thoughts

imogen heap rocks my face.

i’m pretty much all moved into my new apartment in fayetteville, but i’m kinda apprehensive about being here. i’m not going to be taking any classes, and for some reason i don’t feel like i know anyone here. that’s not completely true, and even if it was, it’s not like there’s a lot of people in little rock who i know…besides, i don’t even really hang out that often, even when the option is available. definitely being far away from the band is a big part of this, but i feel like there’s more to it. i don’t like having to be responsible for so many necessary things in life, like paying bills or buying groceries and other ordinary things. i want a personal manager, aka parents, to do it all for me. it’s ridiculous, but it’s true. i should’ve been on my own and supporting myself years ago, but for whatever reason, i’ve failed to mature to that level. i’m scared of having to find and maintain a “real” job. i don’t want to be part of the real world. i like to sit around and write poems and think about life (but in a philosophical way, not about what tasks i need to take care of) and play music and listen to music and think and read–none of which really help to accomplish…life. i have a tough time being disciplined when no one is around to make, or at least encourage, me to do so. i want to change that…or so i say. at least, i know i need to change, but that is oh so hard. the first step is finishing what i start, and right now that is the correspondence classes i’m registered for at the university. i have until march 8, and i’m pretty far behind, but that’s my current goal, and i really want to reach it…i just need help. asking God would be a good idea, but the problem is that i always ask in the context of my will, rather than seeking his first and only. so there’s a lot of change needing to occur, and i want to embrace it. for the time being i’m in fayetteville, and i think it’d be good if i stop dreading that and just make the best out of the circumstance, do what i need to, and wait to see what God wants.