the dreaming tree

i hate studying. but i do like to learn. it’s kinda weird, i know. my favorite thing is to learn in a roundtable-type environment…as in discussion. talking about stuff with other people who actually know what they’re talking about…and i thought i was gonna be able to carry this thought a little further, but i can’t come up with anything. i think my brain is dead right now after the utter monotony of work. i did listen to a couple podcasts today until the mp3 player i was using ran out of batteries at 3 o’clock. certain podcasts are pretty great for learning stuff, too, i’ve discovered…and there’s also listening to interviews with the stars of lost, and insight from the producers of the show. the ones i listened to were: a) dr. os guinness speaking on the nature of truth in today’s world (http://www.veritas.org/3.0_media/presenters/18) and b) discussion by duke professor richard hays and unc-chapel hill professor bart ehrman on the da vinci code (http://www.divinity.duke.edu/news/noteworthy/060428davincicode). really the second one was less about the da vinci code and more about the concerns people have with the history of early christianity and its writings (aka, the gospels) because they read the novel. both were quite interesting, and had i not been able to listen to them, i probably woulda banged my head against the wall…multiple times. i might write some about the da vinci code stuff later when my mind recovers.

i have a job for the summer. i’m working at crafton tull & associates, which is an engineering firm, in little rock. i’m not an engineer, of course, so basically all i’m doing is scanning old projects into the computer for posterity. it’s pretty mundane, but i’ll survive thanks to a small mp3 player i have. today i was even playing some air guitar, trying not to rock out too hard…maybe i’ll just have to listen to only iron & wine or something to keep me calm.

it’s kinda funny, though, cause i’ve been looking at all these blueprints all day and thinking, hm, this coulda been an interesting career, afterall. my mom did try to get me to consider being an engineer back in the day, but i told her i didn’t think there would be enough of a creative element to it, or i might get bored or something. i briefly considered architecture, too (cause i figured that was more creative-oriented), but instead i went with the ever-useful music composition. not that i haven’t completely enjoyed learning more and more about music, but it’s one of those degrees which lends itself to little-to-no job opportunities on the other side (unless you want to get a doctorate and teach). other similar degrees include history, english, theater and philosophy, also known, perhaps, as the arts (or at least, not-science). sometimes i wish i had gotten a degree that led to a specific job after graduation (like engineering or something), and sometimes i wonder if i should actually go get an engineering degree so that i’ll have something solid to fall back on if being a musician doesn’t work out like i hope it does.

the thing is, i’m doing (well, really, pursuing) what i truly love. i do find some fascination in a great many things, perhaps some of which i could find pleasure in applying as a career, but music is so much more exciting and fulfilling for me that i would probably forever despise myself if i decided to give up being a career musician. and as far as i can tell, it’s what God has best equipped me to do: i’m in a band of outstanding musicians/songwriters who share my desire. i don’t know if we’ll ever be huge or anything, but i do believe we can make it as a working band. the pieces are in place, anyway…we just need to act.

i’m what you would call a late-bloomer. i almost just posted a bunch of photographs dating back from junior high till now to show you, but then i realized that you may not want to see that…and also i may not want you to see that. but really, it’s not just about looks; i didn’t have any confidence in myself pretty much throughout junior high and high school. elementary school was alright, cause i had a good friend or two (which means we played together a lot. we didn’t really talk much about anything…but really, what’s there to talk about at that age?).

i can actually remember a few turning points that sent me reeling into my shell. one was in fourth grade, i believe, when my supposed best friend joined with not-my-friends to make fun of me (particular use of four eyes). i came home from school and cried all afternoon.

the next incident was in seventh grade. new school, new opportunities, right? i saw a guy reading the hobbit during spanish class, and so i reported that to my mother, who suggested i talk to him and make friends. so i was like, ok, good idea. the next day i came up with the brilliant, “so…you’re reading the hobbit?” to which he just looked at me like i was a moron and walked off. that kinda hurt my feelings and the transformation into shy, quiet, dork, loser was complete. i’m not gonna hash out my entire experience, but what i will tell you is that i literally had no real friends to hang out with. the highlights of my week were church and boy scouts (which were on monday) when i got to “hang out” with other guys. other than those days, i pretty much could be found at home in my room once the school bell had rung. i didn’t even realize people did stuff with each other on a regular basis, actually, until eleventh grade when i heard some people talking at school about a party the previous night, and i understood my place in the high school hierarchy.

and then i got contacts.

seriously, for whatever reason, getting contacts immediately boosted my confidence by a factor of a thousand, and from there, i started to break out of the shell i had inhabited for so many years. naturally, it didn’t happen overnight. i got my contacts late in my junior year, and so when senior year rolled around, i felt somewhat comfortable talking to a girl i had a crush on, i played football and baseball and i made a couple of friends to hang out with. (it’s true what they say about being on the football team, if they say anything…but being introduced by name to the entire school of 1800 people at a pep rally and getting cheered, well…it’s pretty invigorating.)

you might be wondering where i’m going with this. i’ve wondered the same thing. this morning i started looking at old photographs for some reason, so i guess that sparked it to an extent, but i’ve also been thinking about it a lot recently. people seem to think i’m somewhat interesting nowadays. i talk on the phone, girls are interested in me…it’s kinda weird, actually. but at the same time it’s pretty cool (naturally). i do feel a lot more confident in myself, but i’m trying not to develop a super-ego at the same time.

and where is God in all this? of course there is nothing wrong with me being the person he created me to be, so i’m trying to pursue that, but i find that i’m believing in myself perhaps a bit too much these days. what do i have that he has not given me? what ability is mine that was not fostered from above? none and nothing. i fear losing sight of Christ, i fear ignoring him for my own gain (which would be loss) and i fear erecting myself as a god in my own eyes. this doesn’t change who i am, but just who i should be crediting and worshiping. i’m too good at loving myself.

listen to andrew osenga…it will make you cooler.

i have a new guitar! it’s a fender precision bass (american) and quite beautiful, don’t you think?

the buy in ruston, la is over. it really wasn’t too bad at all. i just have one question for the girls: why do you have to wear bikinis and low-cut shirts to sell your books? do you not understand? or do you? seriously, though…it’s not helping.

i’m too tired to write about anything substantial. perhaps tomorrow. anything you want to hear about?

hey ya’ll, i’m down in ruston, la for the week doing another book buyback. i’m probably not going to be able to get online much, so everyone leave me some awesome comments…it’s what i covet from you. and have a beautiful day.

oh…here’s a picture of me when i was 19 and bald because of a ouachita baseball team freshman tradition. make fun of me…

i watched highlander tonight and was struck by the thought that if you were immortal, how long would it be before your brain was so full of memories and knowledge that it would either burst or just quit working?

i’m fascinated by handwriting. i think it is the coolest thing ever. i absolutely love getting letters from people, but especially for the first time so that i can see what their handwriting is like (particularly if it’s from someone i have never met in person). and i don’t really know how to analyze handwriting or anything, but i still like to think about it and sorta analyze it in my own way. i love seeing letters at museums, whether written by a famous historical figure or just from a simple civil war soldier writing to his beloved. i think it’s really interesting how varied and personal handwriting can be, and how most people don’t even give a second thought to theirs. i, on the other hand, think about it immensely.

i’ve got several different styles of writing, and usually i’m using print, rather than cursive. i like to make long flowing loop on a g, but not on a y. i’ve got my own style on lowercase d’s that i don’t even know how to describe exactly, but that i’m very proud of for some reason. i also like my w’s. i usually write in all lowercase cause i like how it looks, but oddly enough, i do crossword puzzles in all uppercase. i used to practice not only my own signature (which i’m also rather proud of), but other people’s, as well. i’d even take my friends’ signatures and try to make them better (at least in my own eyes), or make up names and try to derive the awesomest autograph. one time i offered to help my sister make her signature look cooler and i actually filled up a sheet of paper with ideas. i don’t think she ever took to any of them, but i still had a lot of fun doing it. whenever someone compliments my signature or handwriting, it makes me feel pretty special. and if i’m not chosen when someone asks “who has good handwriting?” i feel like a failure and resolved to prove to everyone that i have the best handwriting (which may or may not be the case). i’m really quite obsessed with the subject.

i also am quite fond of handwritten music scores; i love seeing those as much as handwriting, and i get kinda arrogant about mine looking cool. even when i’m just working on new stuff, rough draft or whatever, in the practice room, i will actually erase a notehead, group of sixteenths, or even a clef if i decide it doesn’t meet my standards. i’ve actually forgotten what i was going to write down before because i decided it was more important to erase what i’d just scribbled and redo it. but i really love the way a handwritten piece of music can look, and so i try to make mine look nice, as well. i’ve thought about framing a few sheets of my stuff, but i would feel kinda weird doing that.

i do obsess about some weird things. i’m almost a perfectionist about how my music looks and my signature and handwriting, but i’m totally not a neat freak or anything like that, i don’t really care about cleaning my car and grades don’t really matter to me much at all. i’m so fascinated with how many different ways of thinking there are in the world, how much variation there is among human minds. it’s boggling, really, and i guess that’s why it’s so amazing when you find someone like-minded in this world.

i’m alive and the bookbuy is over. well, sorta…i’m working again next week at louisiana tech in ruston. it’ll be another tiring week, i’m sure, but the good news is i think i’m going to buy a new bass with the extra cash. yes, i’m serious. right now i’m leaning toward a fender precision bass, but of course i haven’t gone to guitar center to play anything yet, so it’s really pretty up in the air. plus they might have some sweet deals on something used. anyway, i’m pretty excited about that. and there’s no other real news right now. i’m super tired, though, so perhaps i’ll think of something later to write other than this lame “my life” update.

i never said it would be easy,
but i never thought it’d be so hard,
cause day after day
i’m still here wonderin’ why
things change and hearts break.
where’s the cure?
cause who needs that anyway?

c’mon baby, now, let’s dance
and wish upon a star:
wish for dreams worth livin’,
and a love everlastin’.

i never liked to take chances,
but i’d wish upon a star;
and even in the moon’s shadow,
my dreams make me believe
in something more.

so let’s go for a drive,
far away to another place
where all i’ve ever wanted to say
is wide awake in your eyes.