the dreaming tree

weird things:

my cat has an artificial hip…his got a little ripped up during a fight.
my knee had spasms all day long.
i have a moustache.

that’s really all i got right now. i’ve been thinking about other issues that i don’t really want to talk about. namely having ptsd because of a girl, who happened to get married last saturday. oops. i feel lame and stupid. and it frustrates me that i can’t not think about it. i feel weak-minded. i feel like i gave away too much of my heart, and that i’ll never get back enough of it to truly devote to someone else. cause i just threw it all into that one, first relationship. i’m such a fool. still, God is merciful and good, which is about the only thing i can count on. so here’s a hymn:

“God moves in a mysterious way” by william cowper (that’s pronounced “cooper”)

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

i especially like it because it’s so easy to get frustrated with life and events that confuse me, but so comforting to be reminded that there is a sovereign God, who also loves and cares for me as a son, because of his Son. i wish i always believed it. i wish i always wanted to believe it. only God can sustain me through the fierce unbelief i have. i want to say i’m trying to believe, trying to be a better christian…but i’m missing the point if i say that, because God does it all, and i have no capability to do anything. Jesus saves by faith, which isn’t even of myself. thank God for that.

yesterday was the 2006 ummer leagu memorial summer league tournament (ultimate). we started out as the 6th seed out of six teams and ended up making it to the championship game, where we lost, ironically, to the only team we beat all season; we had actually beaten them twice, their only losses and our only wins during the regular season. we kept up with them for the first half, but then we just couldn’t keep up our level of play as we all started cramping up and feeling the effects of the brutal brutal heat, so that was a little disappointing, knowing we could have beaten them if we weren’t so wiped out. oh well, that’s part of the game.

the most interesting thing, though, was that a guy actually wanted to fight me. i was basically dominating them (hey, it’s true), and i had spiked the frisbee after catching a touchdown, which is considered bad sportsmanship by a lot of ultimate players. me, i’m just into the game and excited, so…whatever. on the second score i caught on this guy, i basically leaped up behind him and caught the disc, with a little incidental contact, which he didn’t think too highly of. pretty much all i said was, i don’t think so, and turned around. next thing i know he’s being held back by his captain…i just kinda looked at him like, are you kidding me? and walked away. so that was weird. at least i didn’t get head-butted. i guess he ended up with the last word since they won. plus it was kind of annoying because for whatever reason the sideline didn’t like me and decided they’d heckle me, which doesn’t really bother me that much during the game, but i’d certainly prefer to be cheered than jeered. but still, it was a fun day of about 5 hours worth of playing ultimate in the hot hot heat.

i’m posting to my blog at work. i feel so…dumb. and i don’t even have anything real to say, even though i keep thinking of good post ideas, i a) don’t have the time right now, and b) can’t remember any of them anyway. right now the scanner/printer is being worked on, and by worked on i mean in pieces all over the place. which means that i can’t do any work for about 30 minutes to an hour. does this count as my break? actually, i don’t usually even take a break. and by usually i mean never. i feel kinda weird taking a break when i don’t do any kind of taxing work, so i just keep going. besides, what am i going to do on a break? hang out in the break room? while i’ve been scanning drawings, i’ve been trying to think of new song ideas, and the results so far are a myriad of lines that don’t really go together. i know i want to write a song about hosea and gomer, and i want to write one about the folly of corporate america (i think i’ll call it “men on high”). that’s all i got.

sha la la la lo.

i have some ideas for songs…once i write the words down, i’ll give them to michael so he can rewrite them and make them good, and then i’ll post them for you. one we’ve been working on is called “goodnight, moon,” and i think it’ll be pretty special when it’s done. another one is called “nieman,” which is gonna be loosely based on the guy who assassinated president mckinley. i know, i’m a dork. i even got the idea from watching the history channel. it may or may not work out, but i’m hoping it does, cause i like the first little bit we’ve done on it. and then there’s another one that doesn’t have a name, and i can’t really explain what it’s about yet…but i’m excited about where it could go. i know that’s vague, but i also know most of you don’t care, anyway. maybe some poetry will appear tomorrow. i’m kinda feeling something.

(yes i am listening to blink)

sounds i like:

steady typing on a keyboard
flowing water
sizzling (food) in a frying pan
tap dancing
clip-clop of horses
crack of a baseball bat
pop of a baseball hitting a mitt
tick-tock of a clock
scissors cutting paper
thunderstorms
crackle of a fire
plop of a small rock hitting the water
small motors
feedback (properly)
a swish
a basketball dribbled on a wooden floor
a flag whipping in the wind
a breeze rustling through the woods
the shower running
the creak of my mattress
the overhead fan
flipping the pages in a book
writing with a pencil
laughing

i love the sound of a flag whipping in the wind.

this morning i played my violin in church. i did a short movement from a bach solo sonata, which is really difficult, but we have a new sanctuary and the acoustics are really great, so that helped out with the sound, i think. the thing that caught my attention, though, was that in the past when i have performed on violin, i’ve always been so nervous that i wasn’t able to play quite so well as i can when i’m alone in my room, and those times were all with a piano accompaniment. this time i was completely alone at the front of the church, but there were no jitters, my palms weren’t sweaty…so that was cool. i think it went well, overall, and i had fun doing it. i might even keep practicing this summer just for kicks.

i just saw a big tour bus with the name of some ministry on the side of it, and with the slogan, “doing God-sized things.” i always just kind of assumed that only God could do God-sized things. maybe i’m too quick to criticize a group who i’m not familiar with; i want to believe they mean well, and i really hope they are doing significant ministry–but i grow weary with man-centered ministry rather than Christ-centered ministry. and churches trying to catch people’s eyes with slogans and cute sayings rather than actually engaging the culture relevantly. paul became all things to all people in order to evangelize, so why do we try to force people to become like us, and adhere to our standards, before we’ll talk to them?

sometimes i like to imagine the lives of extras in movies. especially when i’ve already seen a movie and don’t have to worry so much about following the plot and dialogues of the main characters. i wonder who they are, where they came from and where they’ll be going afterwards. i think about how they’re real people captured in a split second on a movie screen. people who have laughed and cried and gone through devastation and euphoria. but i don’t see any of that, and even though i’ll never know anything about them, God knows every detail of their lives.

this past week i listened to a podcast of a short series of lectures by dr. ergun caner at the seattle worldview conference on islam and christianity. dr. caner is a turkish immigrant who moved to the u.s. when he was a teenager, the son of an imam (prayer leader) in the muslim religion, who converted to christianity and is now an apologist and professor of theology at liberty university. anyway, it was a very enlightening series of talks on islam and what it stands for, and how it is not only very different from christianity, but seeks to violently destroy it. and he spoke about how christians should be prepared to engage muslim people, being fully aware of what they believe, rather than simply condemning it. i really think every christian needs to hear what he says…you can find the podcasts on itunes by searching for seattle worldview conference, and here’s his website: www.erguncaner.com. he’s really very engaging and funny, so don’t be scared by the lengths.

on the same note, i’ve been listening to podcasts of a course at covenant seminary called apologetics and outreach, taught by dr. jerram barrs. it’s really quite challenging, as well as practical and informative. i’d warn you that he is a bit soft-spoken, but once you realize the enormous truths that he is teaching, it’s quite worth hanging onto. he also has a book called the heart of evangelism, which i haven’t read yet, but looks to be that class on paper.

perhaps i’ll write more in-depth about some of these things another time, when i haven’t already provided so much to read.

this is me and lee. (lee lee lee lee lee lee lee lee lee lee lee. we’re talkin’ fuckin’ lee.)

i’m actually watching how to lose a guy in 10 days right now. and enjoying it. so put that on a bumper sticker and…smoke it?

i just found out that my friend aaron lunsford’s band, as cities burn, is breaking up at the end of their summer tour because their lead singer/screamer (they’re a screamo/hardcore/whatever band) is getting married and wants to settle down. now, this news doesn’t directly affect me or anything, but it still makes me sad. i’m sure that some of the members will go on to find other bands, but it still hurts me to hear that, in some measure, dreams are ending. i guess i can’t authoritatively speak to what those guys’ dreams are, but i know what mine are, and i’m scared of what could happen to squelch them. ah…another undeveloped idea from me…enjoy.

and a sigh for good measure.