the dreaming tree

sometimes i really hate being a composer. like tonight, when i basically stared at the paper in front of me for five hours. i wrote down five new notes…awesome, at this rate, it should take me a thousand years to finish. it’s this solo piano piece i’m working on (which i’m drastically hoping to avoid calling “piano sonata”), and it frustrates me because i don’t play piano, and so therefore i’m having a difficult time writing idiomatically…even though i do have ideas of what i want to happen, i can’t realize it on paper, and it’s really hard for me to imagine in the first place since i can’t play what i’m thinking. everything i write looks stupid to me and i’m afraid it’ll sound like i didn’t know what i was doing. i’m basically unable to move on from something when i can’t figure it out, so i either quit working on it, or get nothing done. it’s like my brain won’t let me skip over the problem and work on something else until i have it figured out…which is also why i didn’t finish my math exam the other day, but that’s another story. so i’m stuck. and it’s an horrific feeling.

i was also thinking about my days at ouachita when i knew all the other composition students. we had lessons together, so i knew what the others were writing and how my stuff compared. it kind of urged me on to be the best and i miss that. i especially miss talking with one michael reed about music (ours and others). i realized that i don’t know any of the other composers here at fayetteville, and that kinda makes me sad. and i’d like to see how i compare with their stuff, too…it might fuel my creativity a bit. now, despite all my complaining, i’m mostly enjoying doing composition again, and i’m having a good experience thus far with my professor. i just want to be better.

this past weekend i went to st. louis for an ultimate frisbee tournament (glory days). as far as the tourney went, well, it was pretty miserable. we lost all 5 of the games we played, and none of them were even close. our best one we went up 3-0, only to lose 13-4. also in the last game i nearly broke my ankle…in fact, i might still get it checked out, cause it’s swelling up quite nicely and turning all kinds of nice colors. anyway, it wasn’t a pleasant weekend for ultimate, but it was my first collegiate tournament and i learned some things playing against other teams. i just hope our next experience will be a little nicer. however, the weekend wasn’t all a wash. saturday night joan was gracious enough to drive to st. louis from peoria, il so we could hang out for a couple of hours saturday night. it was really great to see her again after 2 years, and we had a good time eating and roaming around a couple of record stores. here’s a picture of us that i stole from her:

and on monday night was the university orchestra’s concert, where we played beethoven’s fifth (along with “royal hunt and storm” by berlioz and the hummel trumpet concerto). i’ve never been so emotional during a single piece as i was during the beethoven. i seriously almost lost it a couple of times throughout, and especially at the beginning of the fourth mvt. and then the audience gave us the most enthusiastic response any ensemble i’ve been in has received…our conductor was called back four times. it was really an amazing experience.

does she ever think of me
when she’s with him?
i don’t know
i’ll never know
does she ever lie awake
wondering what might have been?
i do
i always do
i’m lonesome in her memory
sinking like a stone
hoping this’ll be the last time
and hoping it won’t
i can still feel her soul
pressed against mine
and what i know of love
is ever fixed by her name

this post could be called “random things i’ve thought of in the last few hours but didn’t really have anyone to share them with”

i watched “lost” tonight, and it was ridiculous. in a good way. sometimes i try to figure out what’s going on, and others i just want to enjoy the ride, because it is certainly a great one.

i like to carry on coversations on the phone and talk about random stuff, meaningless or otherwise. but it’s something that’s missing from my life recently.

sometimes i wonder how many girls think i’m cute…i imagine most girls could care less, but for some reason i still hope some do. not that it matters, and not that i would really be so bold as to ever talk to them, but i often find it passing through my brain nonetheless. in fact, i’m probably a bit more vain than i’d care to admit, and i want to think i have some kind effect on someone…maybe not everyone, but someone.

i wonder how long we need to wait before calling someone a genius, particularly in the music world. i find myself doing it, too, but i think too many people are referred to as geniuses. we need another designation, either between brilliant and genius or one that surpasses genius…i don’t think adding an adjective will do the trick for me. i also want to do something to make someone call me a genius and mean it sincerely.

sometimes i imagine my life will be chronicled someday, and so i often narrate things in my head, or think about how i would explain certain stages of my life in a concise yet interesting manner.

i like to talk about myself. and to myself.

there are times i don’t want to eat…like it just seems to be an inconvenience. but eventually i go ahead and force myself to eat something.

there are a lot of ryan adams’ lyrics i want to post right now (and also some from adam duritz, now that i think about it), but i’m going to go with some i wrote instead cause it’s been awhile since i’ve posted (or written) any poem/lyric-type stuff…even though it’s not executed quite the way i want, i like the idea, and posting stuff sometimes helps me figure things out eventually.

i want to wake up in the shade
look deeply through
your comfortable eyes
to know you love me
but i’m afraid this blink
is the last i’ll see without tears
so wrap me in your blanket
away from the breeze
safe and warm
before i’m alone again

sometimes i wish i had no potential, or maybe just a little in one area…then maybe i wouldn’t feel like such a failure for not achieving something. sometimes i feel like i’ve got all this pressure to do something great. i don’t even know what might fall into that category, but i know it’s not what i am now. maybe i should be thankful that i (sorta) have a variety of options, cause there are a lot of things i’m capable of doing. the problem is that i never seem to fully apply myself, even when i’m doing something i love. somehow i always put forth at least a little, probably a lot, less effort than it would have taken to really, i don’t know, be great for once.

although maybe it’s changing a little. i’ve been working on a new composition for piano–actually, it’s from an idea i started working with a few years ago–and for the first time in probably 4 years i seem to be fully involved in the process of writing it. i find myself thinking about it all the time, working hard on piecing it together so that it’s a unified composition, rather than a bunch of cool sounds in a row. i’m getting excited thinking about it, and also the fact that my professor seems to think it’s good, too. it’s like i can feel my mind pushing itself to solve each puzzle, and then figuring out how to fit that piece into the whole. i know i’ve worked like this a couple of times before on a couple of other pieces, but then i drop off, get lazy, and don’t finish as gallantly as i started. i guess that’s the annoying thing–i’m not a closer. because when the work becomes harder, i scamper off and just…don’t do it. unless i have something, or someone, encouraging me to do what i need to do to accomplish the thing(s) i want to accomplish, i lose focus or desire or motivation or…whatever.

and now it hits me. it’s because i grow confident in myself, rather than relying on God to guide me. i try to fulfill myself with myself and the things i try to accomplish, and so when they either fail or fall however short of my expectations, all i have left is another portrait of my shortcomings. and that picture is a pretty depressing thing when God has been forgotten, or at best shoved aside. oh, that i would truly flee to the cross and be reminded of Mercy.

psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

amen.