the dreaming tree

sometimes i wish i had no potential, or maybe just a little in one area…then maybe i wouldn’t feel like such a failure for not achieving something. sometimes i feel like i’ve got all this pressure to do something great. i don’t even know what might fall into that category, but i know it’s not what i am now. maybe i should be thankful that i (sorta) have a variety of options, cause there are a lot of things i’m capable of doing. the problem is that i never seem to fully apply myself, even when i’m doing something i love. somehow i always put forth at least a little, probably a lot, less effort than it would have taken to really, i don’t know, be great for once.

although maybe it’s changing a little. i’ve been working on a new composition for piano–actually, it’s from an idea i started working with a few years ago–and for the first time in probably 4 years i seem to be fully involved in the process of writing it. i find myself thinking about it all the time, working hard on piecing it together so that it’s a unified composition, rather than a bunch of cool sounds in a row. i’m getting excited thinking about it, and also the fact that my professor seems to think it’s good, too. it’s like i can feel my mind pushing itself to solve each puzzle, and then figuring out how to fit that piece into the whole. i know i’ve worked like this a couple of times before on a couple of other pieces, but then i drop off, get lazy, and don’t finish as gallantly as i started. i guess that’s the annoying thing–i’m not a closer. because when the work becomes harder, i scamper off and just…don’t do it. unless i have something, or someone, encouraging me to do what i need to do to accomplish the thing(s) i want to accomplish, i lose focus or desire or motivation or…whatever.

and now it hits me. it’s because i grow confident in myself, rather than relying on God to guide me. i try to fulfill myself with myself and the things i try to accomplish, and so when they either fail or fall however short of my expectations, all i have left is another portrait of my shortcomings. and that picture is a pretty depressing thing when God has been forgotten, or at best shoved aside. oh, that i would truly flee to the cross and be reminded of Mercy.

psalm 13

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

amen.