the dreaming tree

i need people. i need them around me, and i need them to talk to. i need some time alone, but i think, and this is new, i need as much, if not more, time around people. i’ve had plenty of that recently, and it makes me so satisfied to be within a community. if am apart from people for even a short time, i start to fall into slight depression. a little longer and the depression begins to snarl at me again. even now i’m feeling a little down because i’m at work, away from friends (there are some people here, but they’re all at work and i’m sort of isolated at this desk). but as soon as i get home, i know that will immediately disappear.

i’m still organizing my thoughts on this, which means this will be really long and rambly.

i feel like i’m going through a paradigm revolution in regards to my social existence. where i once felt awkward around new people, i have begun to feel contentment, and even excitedness, about engaging them. it’s not an instant transformation, of course. there is still much remaining from long-lived social anxiety, but i can feel it melting away with each day. saturday was one of the great days i can remember in my existence, and one which really solidified what i had slowly begun to ascertain over the past few weeks. i’ll mainly talk about saturday in this entry, as that is fresh in my mind, and perhaps recount morsels of the events of the last month in a subsequent issue.

saturday afternoon michael arrived at my house, as father maple were scheduled to play a concert in springdale that evening. that was very exciting for me, because, well, michael’s my boy. and i was really anxious to show him the house i’d been living in recently and to introduce some of the people with whom i’ve been spending a lot of time.

side note about the house: i moved there june 4 from the apartment i was living in with my now-married ex-roommate. this new place is pretty much everything i’ve imagined about a college experience. there are 7 people living there, 2 of them girls (which is really cool)…it’s basically like a family, and it really feels like one. it’s been at least since ouachita since i’ve felt like i had a group that i belonged to, and even then it was a little uncertain at times. here i feel just like a member of an old family, and it’s wonderful. and also a hugely substantial reason this strange growth has taken place.

so i got to hang out with michael, and that is always satisfying. later zach, the drummer of father maple, and a newly married man, arrived and made us complete. the show went particularly well, according to those in the audience, and the band we opened for, christmas fuller project, was quite enjoyable, as well. they’re probably my most favorite band with which we have played.

following the show, michael and zach had to leave, but my night was just beginning. i drove back to fayetteville and joined some fayetteville friends at a birthday get-together. but we could only stay for a few minutes because big smith was playing at george’s. if you don’t know them, they’re a really superb bluegrass outfit from springfield, mo. i had never seen them live, so i was looking forward to it. little did i know it would become a major step forward in my social evolution…or at the very least make it more clear that one was happening.

i expected to do my usual thing at shows, which is to stand near the front, near my friends (always near someone i know), and enjoy the music with some head-bobbing. maybe move my feet here and there, but on the whole, i’m generally way too self-conscious about it (which is particularly odd, because i don’t really feel that way when i’m actually on stage playing myself). but this night was different. as soon as the band kicked into their set, i let loose. i felt no qualms about moving as much as i felt i needed to, and let me say, i moved quite a bit. i didn’t care if someone was watching, and i didn’t care if i looked cool, i was just in the moment, enjoying it to the fullest, with everyone else in the room.

some of those people were, of course, really attractive girls. if any of you know me at all, or have paid attention to my blog ever, you have probably figured out that i’m not really one to talk to girls that i don’t know in a social situation, especially if they’re particularly attractive. and so when this girl, this really attractive girl, started dancing close to me, and bumping into me frequently, i assumed it was on accident, or a mistake…anything rather than intentional. and so i did the only thing i could do…i ignored it. even when she gave me a firm pinch on the ass, i couldn’t help but feel helpless to do anything about it. i just kept dancing for myself. eventually she moved away, i’m sure because she realized that i wasn’t going to do anything about her. later, when my roommate peter told me he had noticed me dancing with a girl, and that he saw her eyes “burn with passion for [me],” i realized that i am, in fact, retarded.

you may be wondering, how was this one of the best nights of this pathetic man’s life? well, apart from my (perhaps eternal) regret at not dancing with that beautiful girl, i found a new level of social comfort. not to mention the major confidence boost that a girl like that actually wanted to dance with me (and finally it wasn’t merely a figment of my overactive and hopeful imagination…i actually had confirmation). and even moreso, i wanted to dance with her. i just couldn’t quite overcome my previous and life-long habit of shyness, and the nagging suspicion that i was concocting the whole thing and would be humiliatingly shot-down, which is something i am ever and consistently fearful of. but oh, i was so close. and next time, as peter pointed out, this overwhelming regret that i’m feeling now will actually motivate me to seize that moment, capture and hold it.

but the great thing is that the greatness of the night didn’t stop there. afterwards, we returned to our humble house with a few friends and gathered our instruments: peter on guitar and i on violin, with special guest ginger on harmonica. we played for 45 minutes or so in the living room, which was just a blast. oddly, i’ve never been too confident of my violin-playing skills, even though that is the instrument i’ve been on the longest, and have usually shied away from performing on it in public, except of course with an orchestra or something. anyway, that was the fourth or fifth time we’ve done our own little jam session at the house, and each time has been particularly fun.

this whole month has been quite an experience. it’s one i’m thankful for, but at the same time a little saddened, because i will be moving away from here next month. this is just the kind of belonging i’ve been waiting and hoping for throughout my college career, and in a flash it’ll be at once begun and ended. i can only hope that this new social paradigm continues to assert itself in my post-college affairs. i worry because this shift is still in transformation and growth; i can still feel a hangover from years past that threatens to cancel out any improvement at the slightest letdown. i have some great friends in little rock, though, and i’m also going to try to return to fayetteville to visit…something that i never would have seriously considered a month ago. ok, i think that’s enough words on my late-blooming social life. i am very excited about it, though…can you tell?

it looks like i’m going to take a job detasseling corn in illinois for july. i’ve applied, so as long as they say yes, i’m going to go. a couple of my friends are doing it, too. now, probably most of you are wondering what in the world i’m talking about. detasseling corn is where you remove the flower, or tassel, from the top of the plant in order to prevent self-pollination. this allows the farmers, or whoever, to create a hybrid seed by planting the detasseled corn among other varieties that have not been detasseled. basically what i would do is walk up and down rows of corn all day, attempting to remove pretty much 100% of the tassels in each row. this is one of those jobs that has become almost exclusively immigrant/migrant labor, but there is a company remaining that likes to hire americans, and mainly college students, to do the job. it lasts about three weeks, and we’ll be camping the entire time, somewhere in the middle of illinois. it’s hot, and pretty grueling work, but it sounds like one of those experiences that will add a lot to my life…lots of different people, all thrown together for an intense few weeks, seems like it will yield some pretty interesting results. plus it pays pretty well. so that’s what i’ll most likely be up to in july. here’s the website if any of you are interested in reading more or seeing pictures…or applying: sunshine enterprises.

i have some memories
and i’m not too sure
that i want to share them
with anyone but you
but lately i’ve been lonely
and they just slip out
oh, i wish i could get them back

do you remember the time…
it doesn’t matter which one
just remember one
and i’ll meet you there

i have decided that i’m that guy. i’m even going to make a t-shirt. although, can i really, truly be that guy if i think, or realize, that i am, or have the potential to be, that guy? cause maybe that guy doesn’t ever realize that he’s that guy. maybe that’s part and parcel to the definition of that guy. in any case, i feel like that guy a lot of the time.

i feel awkward about so many situations, and have the feeling that i’m making others feel awkward, too. for instance, i’m kind of that guy who has acquantainces all over the place, but not really as many people that i am great friends with. this leads to situations in which i become a tagalong, and i think that a vast majority of the time, i’m that guy who barely says a word and is just sorta hangin’ around as everyone thinks to themselves, “why is that guy so quiet? i feel so awkward because of it…i think i’ll go somewhere else.” at parties i try to associate myself with the one or two people i feel accept my often reticent demeanor, which means i just kinda linger in the background, hoping i can laugh knowingly at a few inside jokes.

i’m also very awkward when it comes to social graces and small talk, which i fear leads a lot of people to assume that i’m standoffish, which in turn leads them away from talking to me. i’m that guy who goes to concerts by himself and hopes no one will notice he is alone. i always fathom that i will work up the gumption to actually talk to people i don’t know and stow away my awkwardness and penchant for ruining small talk with short answers. or maybe i’ll actually have something brilliant to say. but it never happens.

somehow the only place i generally feel most comfortable and accepted by the people in the room is when i’m on the stage playing a show with my band (not my band, but you know). i find that ironic. and usually after the show i will retreat back into my comfort zone of discomfort.

i was that guy on all my sports teams who was an outsider from the beginning, and, especially in my younger days, that guy everyone could make fun of…and with no threat of retaliation. nowadays i don’t think i get made fun of as much, at least not in my presence, but i remain that guy who quietly does the workouts, plays and is not much of a comrade with anyone on the team.

i’m that guy in the classroom. i will pretty much not talk to anyone unless they speak to me directly, or say something that either offends or excites me so much that i can’t contain it (this doesn’t happen often). i will never raise my hand and answer a question, even when i know it and no one else does. i simply and quietly sit in class and…well, i almost said do my work, but i don’t really do that very well, either.

i am most definitely that guy when i try to talk to girls face-to-face, even ones that i know a little bit. i pretty much just try to look them in the eyes while they’re talking and try not to seem like a complete loser…and that’s hard to do. well, not so much the look-them-in-the-eyes part, but the latter is most assuredly a tremendous challenge.

i think i’ll be that guy in most situations forever. maybe i should just embrace the awkwardness and be that guy wholeheartedly. i don’t know what gain there would be in that, but…whatever.

5 albums that make me feel cool when i listen to them:

1. radiohead — kid a
2. sigur ros — ()
3. sufjan stevens — illinois
4. wilco — yankee hotel foxtrot
5. daniel lanois — for the beauty of winona