the dreaming tree

i have decided that i’m that guy. i’m even going to make a t-shirt. although, can i really, truly be that guy if i think, or realize, that i am, or have the potential to be, that guy? cause maybe that guy doesn’t ever realize that he’s that guy. maybe that’s part and parcel to the definition of that guy. in any case, i feel like that guy a lot of the time.

i feel awkward about so many situations, and have the feeling that i’m making others feel awkward, too. for instance, i’m kind of that guy who has acquantainces all over the place, but not really as many people that i am great friends with. this leads to situations in which i become a tagalong, and i think that a vast majority of the time, i’m that guy who barely says a word and is just sorta hangin’ around as everyone thinks to themselves, “why is that guy so quiet? i feel so awkward because of it…i think i’ll go somewhere else.” at parties i try to associate myself with the one or two people i feel accept my often reticent demeanor, which means i just kinda linger in the background, hoping i can laugh knowingly at a few inside jokes.

i’m also very awkward when it comes to social graces and small talk, which i fear leads a lot of people to assume that i’m standoffish, which in turn leads them away from talking to me. i’m that guy who goes to concerts by himself and hopes no one will notice he is alone. i always fathom that i will work up the gumption to actually talk to people i don’t know and stow away my awkwardness and penchant for ruining small talk with short answers. or maybe i’ll actually have something brilliant to say. but it never happens.

somehow the only place i generally feel most comfortable and accepted by the people in the room is when i’m on the stage playing a show with my band (not my band, but you know). i find that ironic. and usually after the show i will retreat back into my comfort zone of discomfort.

i was that guy on all my sports teams who was an outsider from the beginning, and, especially in my younger days, that guy everyone could make fun of…and with no threat of retaliation. nowadays i don’t think i get made fun of as much, at least not in my presence, but i remain that guy who quietly does the workouts, plays and is not much of a comrade with anyone on the team.

i’m that guy in the classroom. i will pretty much not talk to anyone unless they speak to me directly, or say something that either offends or excites me so much that i can’t contain it (this doesn’t happen often). i will never raise my hand and answer a question, even when i know it and no one else does. i simply and quietly sit in class and…well, i almost said do my work, but i don’t really do that very well, either.

i am most definitely that guy when i try to talk to girls face-to-face, even ones that i know a little bit. i pretty much just try to look them in the eyes while they’re talking and try not to seem like a complete loser…and that’s hard to do. well, not so much the look-them-in-the-eyes part, but the latter is most assuredly a tremendous challenge.

i think i’ll be that guy in most situations forever. maybe i should just embrace the awkwardness and be that guy wholeheartedly. i don’t know what gain there would be in that, but…whatever.