the dreaming tree

i recently watched almost famous (the director’s cut, which is really fantastic). i think one of my favorite quotes, from a movie full of good ones, is the following, spoken by lester bangs (played by the always brilliant philip seymour hoffman):

“the only true currency in this bankrupt world… is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.”

i’m pretty much always uncool. but i try to act like i am, which probably completely negates that true currency thing. i think the only times i feel like i’m not completely bullshitting everyone around me is when music is involved. and even then i feel like i put on a front, consistently doing my best to shroud shortcomings until i feel safe enough to fully expose what i consider to be the most privileged information about myself. but at the same time, i treat that shroud as something that can allow a little light inside, revealing shadows of what is beneath. i dangle carrots, hoping they’ll be pursued and i can talk about myself, reveal myself fully to another human, longing to make a connection that is deeper than the idle words we speak. i want to be cool…or do i want to remain uncool? i want them to know that i’m not trying to impress them, i’m not trying to win them over anymore. i merely want them to grapple with my uncoolness–and then decide they’re not too cool to stay with me for a little while. maybe a long while. of course, this is what everyone wants, and what everyone finds so difficult to truly grasp.