i really don’t have the capacity to write much now, but i wanted to be sure to put a sentence or two that i could come back to later. this is my last night in fayetteville as a college student. i’m done. i’m leaving here 100% done with my degree. i’m also leaving behind some of my most memorable college experiences, the majority of which have happened within the last year and a half. i want to cry and laugh at the same time. i’m excited about where i’ll meet these people again. i’m planning to meet up with one of my closest fayetteville friends in argentina a few months from now. hopefully i’ll see a couple of the others along the way. and the adventure will be grand. but as for now, this moment is enveloping me.
and this is the line that is ringing in my ears:
27 years of nothing but failures and promises that I couldn’t keep
that’s from a ryan adams song, if you don’t know (”let it ride”). i’ve been waiting till i turned 27 so i could use it for another fun-filled blog post. pretty sad, i know, but if you know me at all, then you know that i am sad. i don’t want to write another depressive post about how i’m a failure and my life is worthless, but i’m struggling to come up with something more traditionally fitting to the occasion of my birth. maybe later. maybe never.
i finished a book the other night, which was very satisfying. the book was the time traveler’s wife, by audrey niffenegger, and it was an immensely beautiful and moving book. here is a brief summary:
It is an unconventional love story that centers on a man with a strange genetic disorder that causes him to unpredictably time-travel and his wife, an artist, who has to cope with his frequent absences and dangerous experiences.
some of my favorite books appear to be love stories. maybe i’m a lost romantic. i just bought another book that happens to be a love story. it’s called how to kill a rockstar, by tiffanie debartolo. the reason i bought it is kinda bizarre, so i’ll tell you that real quick.
i was on the way home from texas, where i was visiting family for christmas, and, as tends to happen when i drive, lots of thoughts work their way through my head, prodding and poking at my imagination. i was wondering how many of my so-called original thoughts were not original at all. i’m not really talking about thoughts that were disseminated from other sources, or that i can at least trace to a couple of places for the inspiration. i mean just random things that i came up with out of the blue. the reason i thought this was because i was trying to think of clever titles for, say, an album or something. one that i came up with was dreams for insomniacs. and then i had the aforementioned rumination on originality.
fast-forward to that night at the bookstore. the title how to kill a rockstar catches my attention, so i take it off the shelf to peruse. i glance at the author’s bio and read:
tiffanie debartolo is the author of god-shaped hole, a san francisco chronicle bestseller and book sense top 10 selection. she also wrote the feature film dream for an insomniac.
i mean, i almost dropped the book. and then i started laughing (i caught myself from becoming too loud). i pretty much immediately decided i had to buy the book. haven’t started reading it yet, but at least there’s an interesting story for you.
i came here to write about the time traveler’s wife, but i’m not sure i know what i want to say. it was a really well-done book, and i was captivated with the characters. i found myself able to relate to the main character, henry, in a profound way…i think. i’m actually not too sure how exactly i related to him, but there seemed to be a very real connection there, and one that i was not too keen of letting go of as the novel neared its conclusion. i’m certainly going to have to read it again in hopes of finding more clues about that strange association i had with henry.
a large part of it no doubt has to do with the struggle i’ve had lately to really latch on to notions of love and relationship. i’ve found myself in a constant, questioning struggle to really define what it means to be in a loving relationship. i think the real issue, actually, is that i’m not entirely sure i’ll ever be able to handle a relationship like marriage. i work in a place where i encounter brokenness in marriage everyday, mostly from people i’ve never met and never will meet. all i have are these brief nuggets, snapshots from marriage, the majority of which seem to have major troubles. i don’t know that i do well with major troubles.
i came close once to committing my entire life to one girl, and that crashed and was very painful. it still is very painful. i’m not sure how much healing has taken place, or how much healing will take place in coming years. i continue to try to move on, hope another girl will come to take her place, but so far, no one has. i think that would be ok, but more of a concern, i think, is the way my brain has handled opportunities to move on. sometimes i have a sense that my sub-conscious is quietly sabotaging relationships, perhaps trying to protect me from being hurt again. (i’m not sure how accurate a statement like that can be, referring to my sub-conscious. after all, if it’s sub-conscious, how would i know about it?)
i think i am on the verge of writing a lot more than i intended with this, so i’m going to stop spewing forth these sad thoughts.
but i can’t quit thinking them.
so i was hanging out with my friend heather last night, eating dinner at her apartment, when i decided to take a bite of chicken that ended up being a little bigger than manageable. as i was trying to swallow this piece, i began having a little trouble with it, so i decided to drink some water. well, the water wouldn’t go down because my throat was clogged, so that, i think, triggered my gag reflex and i spit up all the water. and that’s when i realized i couldn’t breathe. i also decided at that moment that i might need the heimlich maneuver, so i stood up and turned my back to heather (that sounds more straightforward and undramatic than it actually was, because, well, i was choking, but it was how i was thinking) so she could administer the manuever. i guess until then she still wasn’t sure that i was choking, so she asked me, rather frantically, are you choking? i nodded emphatically yes, then wondered if i needed to do the whole international sign for choking, but she understood, so i didn’t have to. so she climbed up on a chair, because i’m about 15 inches taller than her, and did the heimlich for what seemed like a minute or something, but it still wouldn’t come out. then i realized i was still holding my plate, at which point i just walked away from her and set it down, cause i didn’t want to spill the food everywhere. then i came back so she could keep going. i was really hoping to see a large bit of food fly across the room, but instead it just sort of worked its way down, i guess. felt like it took a few minutes, but i really don’t know. it was pretty exhilirating experience, though. i think i freaked her out more than i got freaked out. and she’s a nurse. but she saved my life, so thank God for her and her nursing skills. and also thank God for heimlich and his maneuver-designing skills.
a few weeks ago, i drove down to dallas to see ryan adams and the cardinals with michael, zach, caleb, daniel and scott. and also 1500 other people who i don’t really know.
michael and i arrived at the venue, which was on SMU’s campus, around 8:00. zach, caleb and daniel got there around the same time. scott didn’t arrive until 9:00 or so. read about his adventure on his blog. it was in a very nice old auditorium, and i think it was a pretty great venue for the show. taking our seats, we were pretty stoked about the upcoming madness. with no idea what exactly to expect, we were quite excited about the possibilities, while at the same time weary of adams’ reputation for having mid-show meltdowns. as we would soon experience, basically the entire crowd had the same thought and treaded softly between songs. and i think the band, and more importantly ryan adams, responded to the audience in a pretty positive way. and by positive, i mean playing one of the best shows i’ve ever experienced. the reason i have not written this post until now is because i didn’t feel like i could offer a truly accurate depiction of my experience. so this is basically just storytelling. in fact, if you so desire, you can listen to the concert streaming on archive.org. pretty good quality, too.
i guess what i can tell you is that i don’t remember the last concert i attended that absolutely screamed at me, “you have to do this…you have to make music!” that was the biggest thing i walked away with, a pressing need to produce the kind and quality of music i heard at SMU that night. i walked away feeling jealous, while at the same time awed, of the masterful work the band had done on stage. while some may be intimidated by an artist of that magnitude, it only makes me want to drop everything and work to get to that level. as michael declared, “emergency rehearsal!”
after the show we drove around hoping to find some beer. unfortunately, texas sucks and there is no beer sold after 12:00. so we journeyed a little more to find an open bar near my grandmother’s house, where we would be staying, and ate some dinner and drank some beer. on the way out, michael and i decided to do some tequila shots. so we went to the bar and stood there while the bartender was talking to a friend or something, with his back turned to us. no problem, i can wait a minute or two…until he turned, saw us, and then turned back around, making no motion to indicate he’d be with us in a moment. then he did the same thing a second time. that irked me, so i rattled an ashtray on the bar just a little bit, just to let him know i did, in fact, want to order something. he responded by walking over and calling us dics, and telling us that he was going to be a dic to us. i was like, look, i just want some tequila, do you think you can do that? so he gave us our stuff, but wouldn’t look at us while angrily counting out change on the counter. it was ridiculous, but i still gave him a dollar tip.
once at my grandmother’s house, which i love visiting and showing to new people, we stood outside, marvelling at what we had seen that night. he played a pretty intense set, which included favorites like “wonderwall,” “come pick me up,” “let it ride,” “o my sweet carolina,” “the sun also sets,” and a startling rendition of “i see monsters,” which almost sounded like a grateful dead song. we also had some great conversation about music in general, and i think politics or something, too, which was weird. all-in-all, it was such a fantastic experience. one day i hope to help create something just as amazing for someone else.
maybe it’s a rainy day. maybe it’s less sleep. maybe it’s the job. maybe it’s life in general. maybe it’s girls. maybe it’s me.
i only write on this stupid thing when i’m at the either end of the emotional spectrum. only elation or depression can prompt me to type a few words. right now it’s depression. i don’t feel better. my mind is blank. whatever.
so last friday father maple (my band) played at wild river country (a water park) for a citywide youth group-type event of some sort. of course i was super excited about playing in the water and on the slides for free. and so there i was, feeling pretty confident because, well, i was one of the attending rockstars, which always feels great. i was waiting in line for one of the slides and there was a high school kid next to me. a little ways down the line was a group of high school girls who, upon seeing this guy, all waved and did that high school girl thing. now i’m pretty sure this guy was not one of the recognized awesome cool guys at school. he was a little overweight, pretty reserved…all that kind of thing, but still a cool guy. our conversation was as follows:
david: dude, that’s awesome, girls never waved to me like that in high school.
chris (the kid): yeah, well, it’s nothing special…they always do that when they see me.
david: but still, they’re waving at you and being glad to see you…would you rather them not?
chris: i don’t know…
david: maybe it’d be more special if they gave you a hug or a kiss or something…
chris: yeah, especially the one in the black…
david: (high five) alright, man, you need to start talking to her!
chris: yeah, i asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime, and she said sure, but i didn’t say when…
david: (interrupting) DUDE! you have to tell her when!
chris: well, the next time i did…i said, do you want to do something on tuesday. she couldn’t, but she told me to ask her again the next day, but when i did, she said she was sick, so i haven’t asked her since then…
(at this point he is kind of dejected)
david: ok, dude, listen…she told you to ask her again, not to get away from her. you have to keep after her. ask her again…she wants to know that you care enough. you have to pay attention to all her little hints…she’s not going to come right out and tell you she likes you, that’s not how they roll. you’re going to regret it if you don’t get a definitive answer from her…you just have to be confident.
chris: yeah, that makes sense.
david: in fact, my band is about to play…go ask her to dance, she’ll love that.
chris: maybe…
david: ok dude, good luck…wwhhhheeeeee!! (because at that point it was my turn to slide down the slide)
anyway…i thought it was hilarious that i offered any kind of girl advice/encouragement to him, because i was totally the shy reserved guy until about two months ago. and that’s that story.
http://dmiessler.com/blogarchive/the-nice-guy-paradox-solved
this is a pretty interesting take on nice guys’ frustrations with girls, something that i’ve been thinking about and trying to deal with a lot recently…read it and see what you think. i might have some comments of my own later.
i recently watched almost famous (the director’s cut, which is really fantastic). i think one of my favorite quotes, from a movie full of good ones, is the following, spoken by lester bangs (played by the always brilliant philip seymour hoffman):
“the only true currency in this bankrupt world… is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.”
i’m pretty much always uncool. but i try to act like i am, which probably completely negates that true currency thing. i think the only times i feel like i’m not completely bullshitting everyone around me is when music is involved. and even then i feel like i put on a front, consistently doing my best to shroud shortcomings until i feel safe enough to fully expose what i consider to be the most privileged information about myself. but at the same time, i treat that shroud as something that can allow a little light inside, revealing shadows of what is beneath. i dangle carrots, hoping they’ll be pursued and i can talk about myself, reveal myself fully to another human, longing to make a connection that is deeper than the idle words we speak. i want to be cool…or do i want to remain uncool? i want them to know that i’m not trying to impress them, i’m not trying to win them over anymore. i merely want them to grapple with my uncoolness–and then decide they’re not too cool to stay with me for a little while. maybe a long while. of course, this is what everyone wants, and what everyone finds so difficult to truly grasp.
there’s too much to write about, and not enough time. i don’t have internet at the house anymore, and they took away my computer at work (not because of anything i did, just to give it to someone else), which means i only get online at the library, and while i love the library, i have become increasingly unable to just sit at a computer for vasts amounts of time like i used to. i believe this to be a very good thing and a significant advancement, but it doesn’t lend itself to writing good blog entries (i keep believing that there is someone who will read this and find merit in what i’ve written), although i’m not too sure i’ve written a decent blog post in quite sometime, if ever. anyway, the things i want to write about these days are far too complex and unsorted to really try to share and communicate with anyone through this medium. but i’m really enjoying life these days, which is something i haven’t been able to honestly say in some time. there are still moments of blech, but overall, yes, pretty fantastical.
the lady at the bank told me i had pretty handwriting. i was very pleased with that. i think of all the things i’m vain about, handwriting is pretty near the top. i also immensely enjoy seeing other people’s handwriting. there isn’t much more to say about that, but there is that fact.
yesterday i inadvertently called my sister on national siblings day. i really had no idea, but she did and had planned on calling me herself. i found that to be awesome. i couldn’t call my brother because he is somewhere in europe. anyway, it was great to talk to her and tell her the myriad of things that have been happening in my life since last we spoke, which was probably a month or so ago. reminds me yet again how ridiculous this summer has been. and by ridiculous i mean mind-blowingly magnificent. yes.
sunday i spent approximately 19 hours at a studio in fort smith, ar. it was a complete blast, and not just the recording part, but who i was hanging out with. tiring as hell, but completely worth it. and these two guys i was recording with have written some pretty cool songs, especially considering they’re only 18. man, i love making music. my soul is satisfied…thank God.
i’ve seen some people wearing shirts or sporting bumper stickers that say 01.20.09, which is president bush’s last day in office. this is somewhat disturbing to me. it’s like people have lost total respect for the office of president. i mean, sure, he’s done some fishy things, and things i’m not exactly sure about…but he’s the president. at least show some respect. and maybe instead of proclaiming his last day, it would make more sense to proclaim election day. like, we don’t like where this country is going, so we’re actually going to do something, rather than, we hate this president…who cares who comes next, just thank goodness he’ll be gone. what do the two of you think?
just a couple of things before i run off to the weekend:
1) i took what will probably be the last exam i ever take today. my final class is done. all that remains is my composition recital, which will take place in october, but i’m not going to be enrolled in the fall. so this is it. i’m trying to decide what to do with myself. first step: spend tonight celebrating. and probably saturday. and possibly sunday. and all next week. into august perhaps? we’ll see.
2) something that amazes me is close calls…that sounds dumb, but i’m not sure what else to call it like, when i see someone on campus who i might’ve missed had i been delayed or left just a few seconds earlier. then i try to guess just how big of a window it was. yesterday i saw three frisbee players while walking across campus to run an errand for my work/study job. the first i probably would have seen if i had left anywhere within a minute of when i did; the second i would have missed if there was about a 2 or 3 second difference because he was driving by; the third, probably about 20-30 seconds. it’s kind of a goofy game, but it makes me consider how many different, perhaps seemingly unrelated events, have to happen in a certain way and time to lead to other, more important conclusions…which may, in turn, yield something else. good thing God is keeping track of all that, huh?
3) girl(s). uh…nevermind.
4) i’m playing in a frisbee tournament on saturday. our team name is metrosexual healing, so i have to go to the thrift store to get some clothes to wear for that. i guess some interesting polos or something. and then the party that night is a eurotrash theme. i don’t know what that means, so i’m going to have to consult someone. should be fun and interesting, though.
5) sunday i’m going to go into the studio and record some violin tracks for a friend’s brother’s album. i believe that will be a very fun time and i’m really excited about it. perhaps there will be some pictures.
6) another one of my friend’s got engaged the other day. this one i had no idea about, but it made me pretty excited for him. and i get to play violin in their wedding. i will have gone to 5 weddings by the end of this year. i wonder if that number will go up.
7) i love harrison ford.
last night we had a party at my house. and it was a great one, i believe. we played a lot of soul and blues music for dancing, prepared duck and deer meat and a vegetable stir-fry, and had some great conversations. we also jammed out on our own instruments: my roommate on guitar and me on fiddle. and that is where the most insane moment of the entire evening came. there was a steady rise of intensity as we approached the zenith of our performance/sing-a-long. that song would be “isis,” by bob dylan. if you haven’t heard it, listen to the version from the 1975 rolling thunder revue cd. it’s one of the most exciting songs i’ve heard, and anytime we play it, we often end up in a kind of fervent and passionate state of expression. this night, however, was supreme among all the others. i don’t feel like i can do it justice with words. i wish i had a video of the whole affair to post, but at the same time, maybe it’s better that this extraordinary event lives only in my memory. i can’t decide. anyway, as we were playing, a slight rain began to fall, and the excitement seemed to be on a elastic curve spiraling up and up…ever upwards. everyone was moving, everyone was singing, everyone was entranced by the soul of the music. and then it really heated up. peter and sam were suddenly singing at the top of their lungs, more likely screaming the majority of the words. my bow sawed away on the fiddle strings…and suddenly in a terrific bang, it all exploded. peter leapt up from his chair and hurled his guitar over the back porch, then grabbed ahold of the chair and tossed it over the side. sam threw his chair, and then a recliner went over the edge. and then they celebrated and reveled in their primal nature. meanwhile, the rest of us just kind of…stared. i certainly did not join in the launching of instruments. so that was it. peter told me that in that moment, the worth of his $500 guitar seemed perfectly legit to spend on the climax of the most intense “isis” rendition ever. amazingly, the guitar did not suffer any damage to the body. only strings were broken. (we’re talking about a 15-foot drop onto some rocky ground.) it was utterly fantastic.
following that explosion of whatever-it-was, we went back to dancing in the basement, then slowly wound it down and had some conversation. of course, everyone eventually left, but the raw energy of the night paraded itself throughout my dreams and into the morning. even now i’m wistfully recounting all the different happenings of our party. i honestly kind of wish it was still going, or at least would be on again at some certain time. but i don’t know when that might be. peter and mitch are going to illinois to do the corn detasseling (which it looks like i won’t be able to do), katherine and amy moved out, and the ones that are left at the house aren’t really party-starters. or at least i’m not. i just want to go. such a strangely newfound desire, too. especially as it has reached its fruition during my last month of college classes.
this week is my last to spend in a college classroom, if not forever, definitely for a longtime. it’s kind of a strange feeling, but also one that doesn’t appear to have much fanfare in my thoughts. maybe i’ll write about that soon.
i need people. i need them around me, and i need them to talk to. i need some time alone, but i think, and this is new, i need as much, if not more, time around people. i’ve had plenty of that recently, and it makes me so satisfied to be within a community. if am apart from people for even a short time, i start to fall into slight depression. a little longer and the depression begins to snarl at me again. even now i’m feeling a little down because i’m at work, away from friends (there are some people here, but they’re all at work and i’m sort of isolated at this desk). but as soon as i get home, i know that will immediately disappear.
i’m still organizing my thoughts on this, which means this will be really long and rambly.
i feel like i’m going through a paradigm revolution in regards to my social existence. where i once felt awkward around new people, i have begun to feel contentment, and even excitedness, about engaging them. it’s not an instant transformation, of course. there is still much remaining from long-lived social anxiety, but i can feel it melting away with each day. saturday was one of the great days i can remember in my existence, and one which really solidified what i had slowly begun to ascertain over the past few weeks. i’ll mainly talk about saturday in this entry, as that is fresh in my mind, and perhaps recount morsels of the events of the last month in a subsequent issue.
saturday afternoon michael arrived at my house, as father maple were scheduled to play a concert in springdale that evening. that was very exciting for me, because, well, michael’s my boy. and i was really anxious to show him the house i’d been living in recently and to introduce some of the people with whom i’ve been spending a lot of time.
side note about the house: i moved there june 4 from the apartment i was living in with my now-married ex-roommate. this new place is pretty much everything i’ve imagined about a college experience. there are 7 people living there, 2 of them girls (which is really cool)…it’s basically like a family, and it really feels like one. it’s been at least since ouachita since i’ve felt like i had a group that i belonged to, and even then it was a little uncertain at times. here i feel just like a member of an old family, and it’s wonderful. and also a hugely substantial reason this strange growth has taken place.
so i got to hang out with michael, and that is always satisfying. later zach, the drummer of father maple, and a newly married man, arrived and made us complete. the show went particularly well, according to those in the audience, and the band we opened for, christmas fuller project, was quite enjoyable, as well. they’re probably my most favorite band with which we have played.
following the show, michael and zach had to leave, but my night was just beginning. i drove back to fayetteville and joined some fayetteville friends at a birthday get-together. but we could only stay for a few minutes because big smith was playing at george’s. if you don’t know them, they’re a really superb bluegrass outfit from springfield, mo. i had never seen them live, so i was looking forward to it. little did i know it would become a major step forward in my social evolution…or at the very least make it more clear that one was happening.
i expected to do my usual thing at shows, which is to stand near the front, near my friends (always near someone i know), and enjoy the music with some head-bobbing. maybe move my feet here and there, but on the whole, i’m generally way too self-conscious about it (which is particularly odd, because i don’t really feel that way when i’m actually on stage playing myself). but this night was different. as soon as the band kicked into their set, i let loose. i felt no qualms about moving as much as i felt i needed to, and let me say, i moved quite a bit. i didn’t care if someone was watching, and i didn’t care if i looked cool, i was just in the moment, enjoying it to the fullest, with everyone else in the room.
some of those people were, of course, really attractive girls. if any of you know me at all, or have paid attention to my blog ever, you have probably figured out that i’m not really one to talk to girls that i don’t know in a social situation, especially if they’re particularly attractive. and so when this girl, this really attractive girl, started dancing close to me, and bumping into me frequently, i assumed it was on accident, or a mistake…anything rather than intentional. and so i did the only thing i could do…i ignored it. even when she gave me a firm pinch on the ass, i couldn’t help but feel helpless to do anything about it. i just kept dancing for myself. eventually she moved away, i’m sure because she realized that i wasn’t going to do anything about her. later, when my roommate peter told me he had noticed me dancing with a girl, and that he saw her eyes “burn with passion for [me],” i realized that i am, in fact, retarded.
you may be wondering, how was this one of the best nights of this pathetic man’s life? well, apart from my (perhaps eternal) regret at not dancing with that beautiful girl, i found a new level of social comfort. not to mention the major confidence boost that a girl like that actually wanted to dance with me (and finally it wasn’t merely a figment of my overactive and hopeful imagination…i actually had confirmation). and even moreso, i wanted to dance with her. i just couldn’t quite overcome my previous and life-long habit of shyness, and the nagging suspicion that i was concocting the whole thing and would be humiliatingly shot-down, which is something i am ever and consistently fearful of. but oh, i was so close. and next time, as peter pointed out, this overwhelming regret that i’m feeling now will actually motivate me to seize that moment, capture and hold it.
but the great thing is that the greatness of the night didn’t stop there. afterwards, we returned to our humble house with a few friends and gathered our instruments: peter on guitar and i on violin, with special guest ginger on harmonica. we played for 45 minutes or so in the living room, which was just a blast. oddly, i’ve never been too confident of my violin-playing skills, even though that is the instrument i’ve been on the longest, and have usually shied away from performing on it in public, except of course with an orchestra or something. anyway, that was the fourth or fifth time we’ve done our own little jam session at the house, and each time has been particularly fun.
this whole month has been quite an experience. it’s one i’m thankful for, but at the same time a little saddened, because i will be moving away from here next month. this is just the kind of belonging i’ve been waiting and hoping for throughout my college career, and in a flash it’ll be at once begun and ended. i can only hope that this new social paradigm continues to assert itself in my post-college affairs. i worry because this shift is still in transformation and growth; i can still feel a hangover from years past that threatens to cancel out any improvement at the slightest letdown. i have some great friends in little rock, though, and i’m also going to try to return to fayetteville to visit…something that i never would have seriously considered a month ago. ok, i think that’s enough words on my late-blooming social life. i am very excited about it, though…can you tell?
i wrote this poem in 10th grade–10 years ago–but it still feels pretty apt to what i experience in my life everyday, so i’m posting it again, rather than rambling on about the things i hate and how i’m sick and tired of life. i’m tired of letting people down. letting my God down. i want to be folded into safety, but that’s not coming for a long time, and i’m impatient. so impatient.
the stinging desert wind,
steadily rising as if urged on
by an higher authority:
biting, it is hurting me–
can i trust it, or will
i be abandoned?
like the blanket too short
for my bed, the truth never
entirely covers my contorted
body, convulsing in an attempt
to realize its message, screaming,
sweating, it won’t find me
can i become? what?
help me, i must succeed…
when i was younger, though
still i am, wandering, searching;
help me. allow the fall to be
cushioned by the softness of your
Power.
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