the dreaming tree

i’ve been thinking recently that i never use this thing anymore. but that doesn’t mean i’ve stopped thinking about stuff. in fact, that’s the problem. i never feel like i’m fully informed or have completed forming my thoughts enough to put them out for people to read. and usually once i actually do hit publish, i want to go back immediately and revise. a lot of times i think and think about a subject until i find a party willing, or sometimes unwilling, to go through a discussion with me, and then it all comes pouring out. but i’ve been doing that in real life, more than i have in print. but i like to write, and i kind of miss doing that.

recently the big topic of discussion in my head has been politics. i’ve been reading lots of blogs and websites, and i have ideas about stuff, but i like to share those in a setting where i know i’ll get feedback, which (hopefully) further refines my ideas and opinions. (i do have an online forum for that process…it’s called the rumor forum.) but now i’ve been thinking that i’d like to post a little more to this blog. even if i have to go back and revise my ideas later. so i guess the point of this post was nothing at all, other than, perhaps i will post more in the future. haha, that’s lame.

i’m going to try to summarize the conversation i had with just the essentials.

background: i work in a call center for familylife ministries, which has a radio show. so i receive calls from listeners. our program today had parents talking about dealing with the loss a child and how to cope with that…

guy: [with a middle eastern accent] hello, i’m new to this country. is your number an 800 toll-free line?

me: [thinking: didn't you just dial the 800?] yes, it is.

guy: ok, well, i heard your program about people dying, and i want to learn about my grandfather. he was in new york, but i can’t find any documentation about him. he was an upstanding man.

me: … well…ok…

guy: so i’m trying to find out about that.

me: well, good luck with that, sir. but i don’t think i can help you with that.

guy: what about galahad?

[he really did switch to that abrubtly]

me: what? galahad? i’m not sure what you’re talking about.

guy: yeah, sir galahad from the round table. wasn’t he supposed to be like jesus?

me: …

guy: can you explain that to me?

me: yeah, well, he’s a christ figure in some ways, i guess…maybe…

guy: what about arthur? what’s his story?

me: well…um…he’s a legend…

guy: is he real?

me: well, he’s more of a myth at this point in history, but there may have been someone similar to him at some point, historians can’t be sure because there’s so much legend surrounding the story…[and i go on about what i know about the arthurian legend for a few minutes; he periodically interjects more questions]…so, does that make sense?

guy: yes, that makes sense. do i have to give you my name?

me: um, no…

guy: [proceeds to give me his name, which i can't remember] thank you, goodbye.

for those that might still read this and don’t already know, i had my senior composition recital last friday. it wasn’t spectacular, but it happened, and i’m glad it’s over with. although, at the same time, i really wish i had a little more time to make it significantly better. particularly one piece, which i conducted. it was for a small ensemble, and we were only able to rehearse one time…the day of the concert. so that was a little shaky, although it seemed to be ok, because people said they liked it. but they could have loved it. in any case, it was a good experience, only know i’m starved for more like it. but unless i go to graduate school, i likely won’t have too many chances to have my work performed. except for the choir piece, which the choral director told me i could probably get published with just a few adjustments (mainly to make it easier to sing, and thus more effective). so that’s a little exciting, though i don’t really know how to go about that. but anyway, there’s a short, superficial update.

we are the music-makers,
and we are the dreamers of dreams,
wandering by lone sea-breakers,
and sitting by desolate streams;
world-losers, and world-forsakers,
on whom the pale moon gleams:
yet we are the movers and shakers
of the world for ever, it seems.

-arthur o’shaughnessy

last night a girl tried convince i could pull off white jeans, because i look swedish. i nixed that idea.

i work in a call center for familylife, a ministry that focuses, obviously, on the family and marriage, etc. most of what i do is register people for conferences or place orders, and there are some questions. then there are the crazy people…

this morning i had an 83-year old australian woman call and talk to me for 30 minutes about how the communists are trying to take over america and we have to save america from the moral decline by teaching our young people right and wrong, which means we have to take sex education out of the schools, because that is basically pornography. then the abortion clinics do an abortion when they get pregnant, and make billions of dollars, which they use to fund the democratic party. and also, the democrats are communists, and so is the UN. the chinese have a special highway running from mexico to canada that they’re using to plant people inside the US so that they can conquer it from the inside out, and then take over the world. by the way, they want to take us back to a society based on feudalism. hilary clinton is a political manipulator and a criminal, and if the democrats win the next election, christians could be experimented on for medical research. unfortunately, since young people are taught in schools to vote the “other way,” the democrats might be in power soon.

so i’ve been forewarned now, and i have to go out and tell all the young people. you should, too.

so last friday father maple (my band) played at wild river country (a water park) for a citywide youth group-type event of some sort. of course i was super excited about playing in the water and on the slides for free. and so there i was, feeling pretty confident because, well, i was one of the attending rockstars, which always feels great. i was waiting in line for one of the slides and there was a high school kid next to me. a little ways down the line was a group of high school girls who, upon seeing this guy, all waved and did that high school girl thing. now i’m pretty sure this guy was not one of the recognized awesome cool guys at school. he was a little overweight, pretty reserved…all that kind of thing, but still a cool guy. our conversation was as follows:

david: dude, that’s awesome, girls never waved to me like that in high school.

chris (the kid): yeah, well, it’s nothing special…they always do that when they see me.

david: but still, they’re waving at you and being glad to see you…would you rather them not?

chris: i don’t know…

david: maybe it’d be more special if they gave you a hug or a kiss or something…

chris: yeah, especially the one in the black…

david: (high five) alright, man, you need to start talking to her!

chris: yeah, i asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime, and she said sure, but i didn’t say when…

david: (interrupting) DUDE! you have to tell her when!

chris: well, the next time i did…i said, do you want to do something on tuesday. she couldn’t, but she told me to ask her again the next day, but when i did, she said she was sick, so i haven’t asked her since then…

(at this point he is kind of dejected)

david: ok, dude, listen…she told you to ask her again, not to get away from her. you have to keep after her. ask her again…she wants to know that you care enough. you have to pay attention to all her little hints…she’s not going to come right out and tell you she likes you, that’s not how they roll. you’re going to regret it if you don’t get a definitive answer from her…you just have to be confident.

chris: yeah, that makes sense.

david: in fact, my band is about to play…go ask her to dance, she’ll love that.

chris: maybe…

david: ok dude, good luck…wwhhhheeeeee!! (because at that point it was my turn to slide down the slide)

anyway…i thought it was hilarious that i offered any kind of girl advice/encouragement to him, because i was totally the shy reserved guy until about two months ago. and that’s that story.

there’s too much to write about, and not enough time. i don’t have internet at the house anymore, and they took away my computer at work (not because of anything i did, just to give it to someone else), which means i only get online at the library, and while i love the library, i have become increasingly unable to just sit at a computer for vasts amounts of time like i used to. i believe this to be a very good thing and a significant advancement, but it doesn’t lend itself to writing good blog entries (i keep believing that there is someone who will read this and find merit in what i’ve written), although i’m not too sure i’ve written a decent blog post in quite sometime, if ever. anyway, the things i want to write about these days are far too complex and unsorted to really try to share and communicate with anyone through this medium. but i’m really enjoying life these days, which is something i haven’t been able to honestly say in some time. there are still moments of blech, but overall, yes, pretty fantastical.

the lady at the bank told me i had pretty handwriting. i was very pleased with that. i think of all the things i’m vain about, handwriting is pretty near the top. i also immensely enjoy seeing other people’s handwriting. there isn’t much more to say about that, but there is that fact.

yesterday i inadvertently called my sister on national siblings day. i really had no idea, but she did and had planned on calling me herself. i found that to be awesome. i couldn’t call my brother because he is somewhere in europe. anyway, it was great to talk to her and tell her the myriad of things that have been happening in my life since last we spoke, which was probably a month or so ago. reminds me yet again how ridiculous this summer has been. and by ridiculous i mean mind-blowingly magnificent. yes.

sunday i spent approximately 19 hours at a studio in fort smith, ar. it was a complete blast, and not just the recording part, but who i was hanging out with. tiring as hell, but completely worth it. and these two guys i was recording with have written some pretty cool songs, especially considering they’re only 18. man, i love making music. my soul is satisfied…thank God.

i’ve seen some people wearing shirts or sporting bumper stickers that say 01.20.09, which is president bush’s last day in office. this is somewhat disturbing to me. it’s like people have lost total respect for the office of president. i mean, sure, he’s done some fishy things, and things i’m not exactly sure about…but he’s the president. at least show some respect. and maybe instead of proclaiming his last day, it would make more sense to proclaim election day. like, we don’t like where this country is going, so we’re actually going to do something, rather than, we hate this president…who cares who comes next, just thank goodness he’ll be gone. what do the two of you think?

just a couple of things before i run off to the weekend:

1) i took what will probably be the last exam i ever take today. my final class is done. all that remains is my composition recital, which will take place in october, but i’m not going to be enrolled in the fall. so this is it. i’m trying to decide what to do with myself. first step: spend tonight celebrating. and probably saturday. and possibly sunday. and all next week. into august perhaps? we’ll see.

2) something that amazes me is close calls…that sounds dumb, but i’m not sure what else to call it like, when i see someone on campus who i might’ve missed had i been delayed or left just a few seconds earlier. then i try to guess just how big of a window it was. yesterday i saw three frisbee players while walking across campus to run an errand for my work/study job. the first i probably would have seen if i had left anywhere within a minute of when i did; the second i would have missed if there was about a 2 or 3 second difference because he was driving by; the third, probably about 20-30 seconds. it’s kind of a goofy game, but it makes me consider how many different, perhaps seemingly unrelated events, have to happen in a certain way and time to lead to other, more important conclusions…which may, in turn, yield something else. good thing God is keeping track of all that, huh?

3) girl(s). uh…nevermind.

4) i’m playing in a frisbee tournament on saturday. our team name is metrosexual healing, so i have to go to the thrift store to get some clothes to wear for that. i guess some interesting polos or something. and then the party that night is a eurotrash theme. i don’t know what that means, so i’m going to have to consult someone. should be fun and interesting, though.

5) sunday i’m going to go into the studio and record some violin tracks for a friend’s brother’s album. i believe that will be a very fun time and i’m really excited about it. perhaps there will be some pictures.

6) another one of my friend’s got engaged the other day. this one i had no idea about, but it made me pretty excited for him. and i get to play violin in their wedding. i will have gone to 5 weddings by the end of this year. i wonder if that number will go up.

7) i love harrison ford.

last night we had a party at my house. and it was a great one, i believe. we played a lot of soul and blues music for dancing, prepared duck and deer meat and a vegetable stir-fry, and had some great conversations. we also jammed out on our own instruments: my roommate on guitar and me on fiddle. and that is where the most insane moment of the entire evening came. there was a steady rise of intensity as we approached the zenith of our performance/sing-a-long. that song would be “isis,” by bob dylan. if you haven’t heard it, listen to the version from the 1975 rolling thunder revue cd. it’s one of the most exciting songs i’ve heard, and anytime we play it, we often end up in a kind of fervent and passionate state of expression. this night, however, was supreme among all the others. i don’t feel like i can do it justice with words. i wish i had a video of the whole affair to post, but at the same time, maybe it’s better that this extraordinary event lives only in my memory. i can’t decide. anyway, as we were playing, a slight rain began to fall, and the excitement seemed to be on a elastic curve spiraling up and up…ever upwards. everyone was moving, everyone was singing, everyone was entranced by the soul of the music. and then it really heated up. peter and sam were suddenly singing at the top of their lungs, more likely screaming the majority of the words. my bow sawed away on the fiddle strings…and suddenly in a terrific bang, it all exploded. peter leapt up from his chair and hurled his guitar over the back porch, then grabbed ahold of the chair and tossed it over the side. sam threw his chair, and then a recliner went over the edge. and then they celebrated and reveled in their primal nature. meanwhile, the rest of us just kind of…stared. i certainly did not join in the launching of instruments. so that was it. peter told me that in that moment, the worth of his $500 guitar seemed perfectly legit to spend on the climax of the most intense “isis” rendition ever. amazingly, the guitar did not suffer any damage to the body. only strings were broken. (we’re talking about a 15-foot drop onto some rocky ground.) it was utterly fantastic.

following that explosion of whatever-it-was, we went back to dancing in the basement, then slowly wound it down and had some conversation. of course, everyone eventually left, but the raw energy of the night paraded itself throughout my dreams and into the morning. even now i’m wistfully recounting all the different happenings of our party. i honestly kind of wish it was still going, or at least would be on again at some certain time. but i don’t know when that might be. peter and mitch are going to illinois to do the corn detasseling (which it looks like i won’t be able to do), katherine and amy moved out, and the ones that are left at the house aren’t really party-starters. or at least i’m not. i just want to go. such a strangely newfound desire, too. especially as it has reached its fruition during my last month of college classes.

this week is my last to spend in a college classroom, if not forever, definitely for a longtime. it’s kind of a strange feeling, but also one that doesn’t appear to have much fanfare in my thoughts. maybe i’ll write about that soon.

it looks like i’m going to take a job detasseling corn in illinois for july. i’ve applied, so as long as they say yes, i’m going to go. a couple of my friends are doing it, too. now, probably most of you are wondering what in the world i’m talking about. detasseling corn is where you remove the flower, or tassel, from the top of the plant in order to prevent self-pollination. this allows the farmers, or whoever, to create a hybrid seed by planting the detasseled corn among other varieties that have not been detasseled. basically what i would do is walk up and down rows of corn all day, attempting to remove pretty much 100% of the tassels in each row. this is one of those jobs that has become almost exclusively immigrant/migrant labor, but there is a company remaining that likes to hire americans, and mainly college students, to do the job. it lasts about three weeks, and we’ll be camping the entire time, somewhere in the middle of illinois. it’s hot, and pretty grueling work, but it sounds like one of those experiences that will add a lot to my life…lots of different people, all thrown together for an intense few weeks, seems like it will yield some pretty interesting results. plus it pays pretty well. so that’s what i’ll most likely be up to in july. here’s the website if any of you are interested in reading more or seeing pictures…or applying: sunshine enterprises.

i have decided that i’m that guy. i’m even going to make a t-shirt. although, can i really, truly be that guy if i think, or realize, that i am, or have the potential to be, that guy? cause maybe that guy doesn’t ever realize that he’s that guy. maybe that’s part and parcel to the definition of that guy. in any case, i feel like that guy a lot of the time.

i feel awkward about so many situations, and have the feeling that i’m making others feel awkward, too. for instance, i’m kind of that guy who has acquantainces all over the place, but not really as many people that i am great friends with. this leads to situations in which i become a tagalong, and i think that a vast majority of the time, i’m that guy who barely says a word and is just sorta hangin’ around as everyone thinks to themselves, “why is that guy so quiet? i feel so awkward because of it…i think i’ll go somewhere else.” at parties i try to associate myself with the one or two people i feel accept my often reticent demeanor, which means i just kinda linger in the background, hoping i can laugh knowingly at a few inside jokes.

i’m also very awkward when it comes to social graces and small talk, which i fear leads a lot of people to assume that i’m standoffish, which in turn leads them away from talking to me. i’m that guy who goes to concerts by himself and hopes no one will notice he is alone. i always fathom that i will work up the gumption to actually talk to people i don’t know and stow away my awkwardness and penchant for ruining small talk with short answers. or maybe i’ll actually have something brilliant to say. but it never happens.

somehow the only place i generally feel most comfortable and accepted by the people in the room is when i’m on the stage playing a show with my band (not my band, but you know). i find that ironic. and usually after the show i will retreat back into my comfort zone of discomfort.

i was that guy on all my sports teams who was an outsider from the beginning, and, especially in my younger days, that guy everyone could make fun of…and with no threat of retaliation. nowadays i don’t think i get made fun of as much, at least not in my presence, but i remain that guy who quietly does the workouts, plays and is not much of a comrade with anyone on the team.

i’m that guy in the classroom. i will pretty much not talk to anyone unless they speak to me directly, or say something that either offends or excites me so much that i can’t contain it (this doesn’t happen often). i will never raise my hand and answer a question, even when i know it and no one else does. i simply and quietly sit in class and…well, i almost said do my work, but i don’t really do that very well, either.

i am most definitely that guy when i try to talk to girls face-to-face, even ones that i know a little bit. i pretty much just try to look them in the eyes while they’re talking and try not to seem like a complete loser…and that’s hard to do. well, not so much the look-them-in-the-eyes part, but the latter is most assuredly a tremendous challenge.

i think i’ll be that guy in most situations forever. maybe i should just embrace the awkwardness and be that guy wholeheartedly. i don’t know what gain there would be in that, but…whatever.

5 albums that make me feel cool when i listen to them:

1. radiohead — kid a
2. sigur ros — ()
3. sufjan stevens — illinois
4. wilco — yankee hotel foxtrot
5. daniel lanois — for the beauty of winona

so, i’m re-doing the site. which of course means that tonight i spent a lot of time on it, and then will leave it like this for about a month before i get the wherewithal to spend more time that should be spent elsewhere. especially for a blog that no one reads, right? but i want to be satisfied with it, so i won’t rest…wait…yeah, i’ll rest, but i’ll remain unsatisfied until i’m satisfied. heh.

and the promise…i am actually working on a real post. yes, it’s true. check back if you care.

here’s some fun:

randomly achieved movie soundtrack for my life.

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes for me)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool..

Opening Credits: tora! tora! tora! — main titles

Waking Up: hard time killing floor blues — chris thomas king (from the o brother, where art thou? soundtrack)

First Day At School: cropduster — pearl jam

Falling In Love: this world — caedmon’s call

Fight Song: no matter — cat power

Breaking Up: hope to carry on — caedmon’s call

Prom: faith my eyes — derek webb

Life’s OK: autumn, from the four seasons — vivaldi

Mental Breakdown: two step — dave matthews and tim reynolds

Driving: changer — stereolab

Flashback: sam’s town — the killers

Getting Back Together: cry freedom — dave matthews and tim reynolds

Wedding: delicate — damien rice

Final Battle: lux arumque — eric whitacre

Death Scene: kountry gentleman — family force 5

Funeral Song: because — the bird and the bee

End Credits: don’t push love away — the juliana theory

ok, this is completely off the top of me heart, but here is a list of 22 desert island albums. it was supposed to be 20, but the last two simply couldn’t be left off, and i didn’t want to chop any of the previous. oh, and these are only in the order in which i thought of them.

1. ben folds five - whatever and ever amen
2. the beatles - let it be (the naked version)
3. the normals - coming to life
4. caedmon’s - self-titled
5. ryan adams - love is hell
6. jeff buckley - grace
7. dave matthews band - central park concert
8. jay-z - unplugged
9. u2 - achtung baby
10. murder by death - who will survive, and what will be left of them?
11. radiohead - kid a
12. george szell and the cleveland orchestra - complete brahms symphonies
13. the beach boys - pet sounds
14. pearl jam - yield
15. mute math - mute math
16. marvin gaye - live at the copa
17. miles davis - kind of blue
18. bob dylan - the ‘royal albert hall’ bootleg
19. rage against the machine - self-titled, or maybe battle of los angeles
20. counting crows - live in amsterdam
21. led zeppelin - how the west was won
22. derek webb - the ringing bell