when

when all you see
is pain and misery
when all you feel
is doubt and insincerity
when colors are dull
and people seem like plastic

i hope you don’t know what i mean
but trust me it’s hard to get by
on fake smiles and nicotine

psalm 88

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.

despite the fact that i remain in darkness much of the time, it’s still encouraging to know there is literally nothing that i can come up with, no feeling or philosophy or desire, that is not addressed in God’s Word. it still sucks to feel this way–i’d much rather relate to the happy songs–but at least i can know that God understands where i am. more than that: he put me here. i wish i knew why, but that doesn’t matter as much as whether or not i trust him and continue to call out to him. may i never cease to do so.

what i want

i’m caught in-between and i don’t know what’s going on in my life. the band i’ve loved for 6 years is dissolving before my eyes, and i don’t even know if i care (but i do, i just don’t want to have to). some people say i should move to nashville and hire myself out to whoever. but that’s not what i really want to do…that seems like i’m just a music whore. i want to be in a band with people that love to make music and are passionate about working hard to be the best band possible. that’s all i want. but i don’t know where or how to find it. it takes forever for me to get comfortable with new people, and it would be almost all new people if i moved. but at the same time, i’m sure there’s a bevy of musicians and that i could fit in. i’m simply sick of wasting the talent that i have (that’s not intended to be braggadocios, but i think i’ve been told enough times how good i am that maybe i should start to embrace it a little…and then get better). i want to be on stage, making people dance, sing and just love life.

withinwithout

to what do i owe the pleasure
of your strange ways
hypnotizing me from withoutwithin
and beside you i can only lie
still
still
i think i know what this all means
beams of light
surging through my skull, i can’t grab hold,
and you just spin and dance and laugh
away
away
we go into the mystic
with a push and pull world closing in