Science (non) Fiction

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately: I don’t like taking risks. At all. Not in terms of theme parks, or job choices, or relationships. I don’t like fast cars, or roller coasters, or doing anything where the outcome is uncertain. I like knowing what I can and can’t do, and how fast I can go. I’m ok with rules, I like them actually (well, most of the time). I’m happy in a world of black and white, where absolutes are the rule and not the exception. But that’s not the world we live in - our world is colored not only by black and white, but also many shades of gray in between.

And I’m not sure how I turned out this way - there was no childhood trauma where I took a huge risk and it had some horrible effect on my life (I don’t think so anyway, unless I’ve repressed it). I grew up in a very supportive home, where I was challenged to do my best, both academically and personally. But I’ve been very anti-risk taking for a while now, and I’m not sure if I should want to grow out of this phase, or how to go about doing it. I mean, I do think it has kept me from some bad stuff, like broken hearts and broken limbs. But how many more things have I given up by not taking those risks, by keeping my heart or body ‘extra safe’, but not letting someone in. So I quote here C. S. Lewis as I wrestle with this, his quote specifically talking about risks and love:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.