compulsive compartmentalization

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a major turning point in my life. The day after I will begin remembering what it’s like to not have something in your life that beats your very soul into the ground. Every. Single. Day. I joke about my job a lot. That’s how I deal. I joke. But what I actually have been wishing over and over is that I could take how I feel, how heavy and dark everything looked, the weight and near-dispair I have felt, and let people understand how much this has affected me.

I am not the same person I was when I first walked through these doors 5 years ago. But, I suppose that’s the point, isn’t it?

Still, I’m alone in that no one really knows how it was for me to experience the environment I’ve worked in for so long. In my lifetime I’ve watched two of my family die, one well before what we would call “his time”, but the last five years of work have been harder to understand and take than either of those events.

I have been accused of simply not trying hard enough to find a better job. This accusation only displays the limited insight people have into how hard I have tried, how much I prayed, and how long I raged against this place and situation.

But God is faithful, no doubt. When I honestly think I could have been completely and permanently crushed by the prospect of facing any more, a door opened that I remember only briefly praying for. Vaguely.

“You prayed for this, Brian.”

“I did?”

“Don’t you remember?”

“oohhhh yeah. Briefly.”

I guess be careful what you ask for.

So tomorrow I take a step and wait to see what happens. I’m excited, a little anxious…but not a bad anxious. I know I’ll be taken care of, even though I can’t see what’s really ahead. Just a general path.

And I can tell you one thing. Following God down a vague, general path is far more satisfying than a job with indefinite security.

Here’s to going through the wardrobe.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 30th, 2004 at 3:34 pm and is filed under Abundant Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.