compulsive compartmentalization

I said I was going to make 4 miles my short run. Today I did 3. In my defense, I’m going to attempt 8 tomorrow, and didn’t want to spend all my energy and end up killing myself.

Nature was not very accommodating today with the cold wind. In fact, this winter has been assaulting me with its frigid breeze. I do not care. I mock the wind. I defy your cold chill. I will put on a hat.

Take that, nature!

Last Friday I ran 7 1/2 miles. 5 months ago my long run was 4 miles. This year I’m making that my shortest run. The first time I ran 6 miles I was sore a couple of days, especially since my body is used to the route and distance I’ve been running for a few years. After my long run last week, I was a little sore the next day but not nearly as bad.

I’m still trying to keep in the habit of running 4 days a week, but the weather isn’t cooperating. I can go to the gym and do the treadmill, but do you have any idea how boring a 4+ mile run on the treadmill is?

Your soul dies a little.

Unless you can get lost in your iPod and get in the zone, but after doing long runs outdoors, it’s really hard to run and not get anywhere.

My diet is what I need to get a handle on now. I’m not losing any weight (I’m carrying about 10 pounds more than I want, I know I don’t look it, but my pants are getting snug.) I’ve been eating a lot more carbs and maintaining the pounds. I just need to make sure I’m not using running as an excuse to indulge more than I should.

Last night after a 5 mile run I COULD. NOT. STOP. EATING. Today someone told me that I might not be getting enough protein. Entirely possible since I’ve been focusing on the carbs alone.

This Friday or Saturday I’m going to try hitting 8 miles. I’m well ahead of where the training schedule for a half marathon would put me, but my miles were a little higher already than the beginning week of the training program.

So, note to self. Stop gorging.

I’b been training for my first half-marathon. So far my longest run has been 6 1/2 miles, done in about an hour. This week, probably tomorrow, I’ll go for 7. I’ve been running for years, but usually stop around 4 miles for my long run. The last couple of weeks, 4 has been my short runs.

You’d also think I would know the value in stretching after my Taedwondo mishap, but my body needs to remind me from time to time. The last two weekends I’ve felt like I was getting shin splints, which I’ve never had in 8+ years of running. After doing a little research, I learned that one of the causes is your calves being too tight, and the muscle that pulls your foot up may be too weak to counter the tightness. Which is exactly what it felt like…muscle fatigue but not the sharp pain of a true shin splint.

So I stretched for a while before my last run, and was fine.

Now I just need to find the balance in eating. I think I’m eating too much. I have gained a little weight since starting to run. Need to cut that back a little I suppose.

Loose sketching to warm up.

Today five bajilliion people are gathered in Washington at the National Mall to witness history.

I think I know three personally who went. They’ll tell their children and their children’s children “I was there” in years to come. And that will make them feel significant and special. But what they don’t realize is that the real history was made at the Mall twenty years ago.

The year I made shadow puppets on the Washington Monument.

This is perhaps the greatest achievement of my soon to be 33 years. Everything since has been an attempt to recapture the glory of that moment. Everything since has been a disappointment.

How can I surpass the magnitude and significance of shadow puppets dancing halfway up the monument for all the nations of the world to see?

The sad fact is, I can’t. This is what I have to accept. My life, nay, history itself is all downhill from here.

So warm yourselves as best you can, excited throng. Console yourself with this mustard seed of history. Remain blissfully ignorant that 20 years ago a shy 14 year old boy forgot his awkwardness for 20 minutes by making two dudes box on the side of our nation’s pride.

Until his teacher made him stop.

Some people cannot handle history.

I don’t get sports. I know this reflects poorly on me as an American male. But I just don’t.

I’ve tried. I really have. One time in high school I watched a whole college basketball game on my own. I didn’t care who won. I don’t remember who did. In fact, I’m not entirely sure who was playing. All I remember is my parents had gone out for dinner and bought me pizza from Domino’s to eat while they were gone.

I really enjoyed the pizza.

I’ve sat through countless games against my will. Tricked into them by showing up at a friend’s house to hang out, only to discover that meant watching some game all evening. I’ve tried to occupy myself with topical conversations at Superbowl parties, but usually just end up stuffing my face full of chips and Dr. Pepper.

My record at playing sports is almost as bleak. I know the rest of the world loves Soccer.

Clearly this world is fallen.

Soccer was the greatest source of angst during my elementary school years. The kids behind my house always wanted to play soccer. Sometimes, though baseball was the game of choice. I didn’t mind that as much, but would have rather been in the woods building forts and catching frogs.

One year in high school I played on the church basketball team. A few years ago one of my friends showed me a video of one of the games. “You really sucked.” He said. “But you sure could hustle down the court.”

I never learned to dribble.

Does any of this bother me? Do I feel left out?

No. I think all you people are insane.

I’m not good at encouraging people.

At least, I don’t think I am. If encouraging is making people feel encouraged then I’m not good at it. I never have been.

Or maybe my definition of encouragement is wrong. Maybe it’s not making people feel a certain way, but helping push them on in a certain direction.

If that’s the case, then I feel a little better. Oh I mean, I stink at that too, but at least that’s easier to wrap my brain around than having to induce a certain feeling in other people.

Growing up in the church that I did, the word was thrown around, but nothing really practical was ever given.

Or maybe there was and I was busy doodling on the bulletin instead of listening.

Who knows.

I should figure this out.

I did a simple coloring tutorial. Here’s the animation of the steps I did. Whee!

Seriously?

Next month will be the 5th anniversary of this blog.

Five years people. Over the last year or so I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what I’m doing here. Am I here just to use this as a public diary? Is this just where I write about my day? What is this blog about?

Really that’s the question. What is this about?

Looking back over posts from the last half-decade, I’ve come to the conclusion that this blog is about me. And somehow that seems…weird.

Shouldn’t I be blogging about something? A topic? A theme? I think I should. Should I retire this and figure out exactly what direction I should take my writing efforts in?

I dunno. I have the urge to write, but not sure what to settle on. Sometimes I fall into talking about art, and briefly this becomes an art blog. Other times philosophy and theology…(as if me writing about those things publicly matters.) But then the thematic-less blog degerates into “here’s what I did today.”

Which would be fine if my life were adventurous. But it’s not.

Do I keep this here as a place to “communicate” with the 5 people who read (who know my personally already?) And try to find another outlet for really writing? What do I even what to try to write about? To write about one thing means excluding a host of others….and what if I get bored?

What to do….what to do…

I’m taking a class in Biblical exegesis every Monday night. This week someone mentioned praying for personal things as well as praying in a way that bring glory to God.

And it suddenly occurred to me that the phrase “bringing glory to God” has, for me, very little it refers to outside of itself. What I mean is that after being raised in the church, and hearing it over and over with no practical examples usually associated with it, it’s just a disembodied term or phrase. What does it look like? What does it mean?

So that’s what I’m working through. I think it can mean to do things or to pray for things so that the people involved become grateful to God for his provision. So that we realize more of his attributes (his love, power, grace, etc..) and worship and love him more. That’s concrete stuff. I can wrap my head around that easily enough.

It’s just one of those concepts that I’ve heard so many times over and over that those aren’t the things I think of. When I hear the phrase I think of…church services. Preachers and prayers. No tangible examples of what that looks like from experience, because experience and tangible things were never associated with it that I can remember. It’s like saying the word “onion” over and over.

Eventually you stop seeing the onion.

I guess this is why I never use the phrase.

Here’s a sketch

That’s about all I’ve got in me today since I’m so jittery this morning.

In the grocery store tonight I was waxing grateful for not having to go out and forage like my gruffer, more stalwart ancestors.

Then I realized that most of my time there was spent hunting for items…and that I have no idea where things are in a grocery store.

So, be proud my lineage. Your posterity is still as resourceful and capable as ever.

Now for my single serving of ice cream and fat free cool whip.

I know, I’m the last person on earth who hasn’t seen Lost. Or I was, until tonight. Congratulations JJ Abrams, you have assimilated us all.

I knew I’d like it from what I’ve been hearing for years, but kept putting it off because I knew that would be time I would have to spend in front of the TV. And I was right, after two episode I have to know what’s happening.

But, unlike the rest of the masses, I don’t have commercials or waits in between seasons.

I win.

This morning came early, like most mornings do I suppose. But I was up before the sun had thawed my truck. If staying up late means you conquered the night, then I surely beat the snot out of this morning.

This was not without a price. I feel like a lead weight. Or any other thing that weighed however much a lead weight would weigh. In this case, it would weigh as heavy as I feel. Which is about 10-15 pounds more than I’d like to.

I’m not fat, but all my pants are now uncomfortably snug. But that’s okay, because I think I’m going to run a 1/2 marathon in May. That’s 13 miles. So there’s my Winter and Spring. Training for the marathon. I think I’ll take 16 weeks to get to that point, and it’ll help keep me focused on a goal.

I’m leading a class at church. Today while working I suddenly started feeling very inadequate in doing so. Exactly what qualifies me to do so? I like to think ideas stand or fall based on their merit and not necessarily who presents them. This is what I tell myself anyway.

After a few hours I was well into a funk of self-doubt, long after I had forgotten what caused it. Inertia…hooray!

At Barnes and Noble tonight I was perusing through Dedrick Bonhoeffer and Watchman Nee, which once again made me feel very inconsequential.

I did, however, get the complete Sherlock Holmes for cheap. And read a little of The Art of War. Just in case. (You never know which terrorist scenario will make these things come in handy.)

I came home and watched Dr. No, since Sarah spent some of her Christmas money to finish our collection of James Bond movies.

Such is the first Friday in 2009.

Ah, 2008. Come and gone, passed into the annals of history. Rung in no differently than any other, except my neighbor’s party guests (5 cars worth) are still there at 9 this morning. I can only envision all these people lying is various undignified positions throughout the house.

But enough about the new year, what did I manage to accomplish in the old? What was worthy of note? Did I do anything at all? Hmm…maybe I should sort that out.

Professionally
1. Started and Finished a graphic novel adaptation of Tom Sawyer.
2. Completed two sets of Marvel Cards.
3. Was able to assist on a couple more well known books.
4. Started and nearly completed the first 30-page installment of a new graphic novel.
5. Got a little better at drawing.
6. Had a few breakthroughs in inking.
7. Made a number of coffee drinks the exact count of which only God Himself knows.

Books
1)The Hobbit- J.R.R. Tolkien (re-read)
2)Pascal’s Pensee’s (a large chunk of it anyway)
3)What we can’t not know -J. Budziszewski(re-read)
4)John Adams -David McCollough(halfway done, past the revolution!)
5)Truth Decay - Doug Groothius(read about half before noticing vital pages were blank, need a new copy.)
6) Prince Caspian – C.S. Lewis (Re-read)
7) The Two Towers – JRR Tolkien (Unabridged audio book, so it counts.)
8 ) The Fellowship of the Ring – JRR Tolkien (re-read)
9)The Call – Os Guiness
10)Farmer Giles of Ham - JRR Tolkien (well, I guess this was the year of Tolkien.)

I feel like I’m forgetting some books, but it wasn’t much more than that. As I said last year, I should read more. *sigh*

Personal
I got more involved in my new church, and was able to deepen some relationships. Relationships don’t translate well to lists.

Travel
I didn’t go anywhere new or terribly thrilling.
1)Orlando (twice)
2)Knoxville
3)Richmond

Writing
I seriously slacked off in writing. Part of the reason for having a blog is an exercise in being disciplined in slowing down to write. Way to fail, Brian.
Though I did keep a personal journal, filled with the minutia of my days and weeks. This was primarily because this year I realized how much of life I’m going to forget as more life is lived. As I get adapted to the schedule and norms of the moment, I tend to forget how transient life is.

Misc.
- I ran my first 5k
- I started learning a little Greek (but not enough to be dangerous)
- I learned to utilize watercolor a little

Well, there it is. All that comes to mind on this first day of 2009. Do you care? Possibly not. But like I said, the point here is to write and be disciplined. So here’s to a more productive 2009.

It’s not people I don’t like, though you might hear me say so.

What I really mean is that I hate the dynamics that manifest when large groups of people gather in one location for the purpose of spending money. In these places, and for those hapless souls who find themselves trapped there, the rules for four way stops disintegrate. Aisles, typically following the rules of the road, become a mess of foot and cart traffic, as if suddenly England materialized into America in one moment. A moment where half the population think nothing of traveling on the left, the others on the right. Not to mention a few poor souls who simply are too confused by it all to move at all, and instead become medians, bisecting the mayhem.

What is the solution? I have none to offer. Except that if I could I would build everything I needed at home.

I don’t spend a lot of time home during the days lately. Consequently, my studio has become cluttered, and me, claustrophobic. I can’t get anything done in there between knocking papers and piles of junk over. I had managed to clear just enough room to walk to the computer, but have been opting to use the laptop in the den for a few weeks rather than brave the mess.

So today I came home and attacked my room. I’m far from finished, but have ample breathing space now. I can almost utilize my desk. Almost.

Good: Spending time with people and forging relationships over time. Charitable disagreement. Working through hard issues together, though we might not all come to the same conclusion.

Bad: Being physically present in a community, but only seeking out certain people when there’s a perceived issue. Assuming another person’s worldview in absence of actual relationship then confronting that person, giving him the double task of trying to explain himself AND correct all the fallacious views that have been set in place of what he actually holds.