Growing Daisies

Trying to keep in the blogging habit…

…today is one of those days where I am distracted.  I’m distracted by friends in town visiting, by friends returning from being away, by friends making me fussy, and all sorts of other things.  They are distracting me from my present reality, which is all together uncertain. 

I’m practically laid off from my present job.  With hours ranging from six to ten a week that isn’t even part time.  That’s classes you take for school.  I have the promise of at least a full time job that should start in a week, but that too is uncertain.  Im running out of funds and funds being some student loan money leftover from last semester and monetary gifts from graduation. 

My living situation has become increasingly….interesting?…to say the least.  It is a place I live, but it I realize it is not my home.  The thought of moving…again, is all together depressing and I begin to understand why people stay in places they need to leave: comfort.  You weigh the pros, the cons, and at the end of the day logic wins. 

So that’s a sum up of life.  Money is running out, job is unknown, home is no longer an address.  It is not altogether meloncoly though.  I wonder, sense, and slightly fear that God is bringing me through this time to prepare my heart for things to come.  A time where things are not comfortable, certain, or secure.  I’ve seen this happen before, so I know the “…joy that comes with the morning.”  I have a peace about things, I’m waiting on the Lord, I’m hungry for Him to reveal more of Himself for me, and I don’t want to waste this time.  I want to savor it.  From a worldly standpoint things look “bleak”, but from a spiritual standpoint I am more and more encouraged.  This is the ushering in of a new chapter.

2008

1.  I moved three times.  No, Im not in the military.

2.  I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my car.

3.  I led worship for the first time.

4.  I graduated college and finally got that degree everyone was talking about.

5.  I lost weight, gained it back, and then lost some again.

6.  I became an adult.

7.  I went to my first NFL game. 

8.   Saw Caedmon’s Call for the second time.

9.  Went cliff jumping for the first time ever.

10.  Made some friends, lost some friends.

2009: A Look Ahead

1.  Loose at least 60lbs, but more like 80lbs.  I’ve lost 7 of those 60lbs already.

2.  I’m seeing a counselor.  The material he gives me to read and the stories he gives me to listen to are more effective than our sessions.  I think that is the point.

3.  Grow in my musicality.  Become a better singer and a better guitar player.  Maybe even learn some piano.

4.  No life changes this year!  No moving, no starting school, none of that. 

5.  Decompress.  Spend lots of time in coffee shops, and bookstores reading and journaling.

6.  Work enough to pay the bills.  For now.

7.  Maybe lead worship some more.  I kind of like it.

Some one tagged me on Facebook, so…

1.  I love music so much I get overwhelmed thinking about it.  I can’t afford to indulge this love.

2.  I’ve kept a journal since I was 12. 

3.  The first time I went to church was 27 years ago, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

4.  I pick at my nails so much while I drive that people honk at me to go on a green light.

5.  You can’t tell, but I had braces once.  I stopped wearing my retainer, my teeth moved back, and now I feel like I owe my mom $4000.  *smile*

6.  If I’m really honest with myself about what I want to do with my life, I think playing music/leading worship would be it.  That’s easier said than pursued.

7.  I was in a band called “No Longer Fatherless”.  I played clarient, Vanessa played cello, and Tasha sang and played guitar.  I still miss her songs, but its been so long I can hardly recall them.

8.  I love hair.  It’s the first feature I notice in other people, and the feature I can be most vain about.

9.  I’m so visual that when I am trying to recall or remember something I often close my eyes to “see” it, even in conversation. 

10.  I think I officially became an adult some time last summer.  No, really.  I felt something different, and something just…clicked…..and I knew I was officially an adult.  Which is exciting, considering I wasn’t expecting that until I turned like 30.  I beat that by a year and a half.

11.  I hope to write a book one day. 

12.  Some days I want no kids at all, and some days I want like….four, including a set of twins. 

13.  I’ve never done any illegal drugs.  Ever.  In my life. 

14.  The furthest I’ve drived to see a band play was six hours one way to see Caedmon’s Call.  It was totally worth it.

15.  I want to go skydiving one day.  Really.

16.  I’ve met a lot of people through the internet.  Yeah, I’m *that* person.  

17.  I hope to go to Romania one day, and hold children who have never been held.

18.  I love it when people visit me at work, and send me personal mail. 

19.  I’m *really* good with people.  It’s like the one thing I know I’m good at and am confident in.

20.  I was a social smoker.  I use to smoke cigarettes, cloves, and Black and Milds.  Not all at once.  Each had one had it’s own phase.  And only with small groups of friends, because I never wanted to be dubbed a “smoker”.  I bet some of you didnt know THAT!

21.  I’ve never bought furniture, a bed, or a t.v.  I’ve always lived with people who either furnished all those things or they were given to me.  That either makes me a mooch or God incredibly provisional.

22.  Depending on the people, I recommend living with married couples.  You learn a lot about marriage, yourself, and the good stuff relationships are made of.

23.  I feel strong, energized, and healthy when I exercise.  I hope some day to become a runner.

24.   Somewhere down the line I aquired the friendships of some of the most amazing women, and I don’t know how tha thappened. 

25.  After all the reading I did in college I *love* that I can come to the Word of God and know that it is absolutely true.  It pierces my heart, it’s the Living word, it transforming.  And if something supernatural doesn’t happen then it is just another ancient text for scholars to argue over.   I honestly was afraid that I would never want to read the Bible after I graduated college.

…is an attempt to promise that more posts will come, and a new layout. 

I try to not watch the news.  I know I am bad citizen, and many would throw stones my way for now keeping up with what is current.  I don’t have to though, because I am daily surrounded by those who do watch the news.  And I learn so much more by talking to people than any other medium.  One of the more hotter news topics of late is the economy.  Recession.  Unemployment.  Millions losing their jobs.  Stimulus.  Money. These are all buzz words floating around stirring fear in the hearts of Americans…

…but I see something else. 

I see my local Wal-Mart busy ALL THE TIME.  I don’t know the ratio of tourists to locals, but I do know that there isn’t a time or day that Wal-Mart isn’t crawling with consumers.

I see people coming through my drive-thru in their Yukons, H3, and Diesel F750s ordering $4 drinks with orders sometimes totaling up to $42. 

I see people taking weekend trips to go snowboarding and skiing.

I see people taking weekend trips period.

I know things are serious.  I have small business owners saying they are having to layoff their employees for the first time ever, and having to close store locations.  I, myself, am lucky to get 15hrs at work along with my fellow coworkers. 

But I wonder how serious my fellow Americans are taking things in their seat-heated SUVs with their frappuccinos.  I hope not too seriously, because their frappuccinos pay my bills.

I know that phrase is borrowed, but I can’t think of it’s source. It’s completely true though. I, particularly, am having my best life now. I joked around, and I said I would after I graduated college, but I feel as if I am rightfully owning it: I am having my best life now.
I just got back from a graduation party where people who love me and have supported me through this all showed up to tell me how proud they are of me. I’ve received cards, some money, and many kind words that mean more to me than anything material. I get to take, what feels like, two mini vacations. Im spending the weekend with one of my favorite, and dear friends Lynn in Nashville. Im going to my first NFL game on Sunday to see my favorite NFL football team play. Then I leave for Missouri on Christmas Eve to spend some much needed time with my friend Anne. I don’t have to drive either. I get to fly.
When I stop and think about it all I can’t believe it. I’m not feeling overwhelmed enough, which proves the limitness of emotions. I’m beyond blessed to have people in my life to celebrate my accomplishments, and to be able to go away for fun. I’m beyond deserving, but some One disagrees. It’s moments like this where I clearly see God loving me through His body. I’m a child of God, a daughter of the king and He delights in me. Some days I think I just disappoint Him, or I’m a “bad” daughter. But today is different. Right now is different. For in this moment, a brief moment, I can hear my Father say “Rest in My love for you, my daughter, whom I delight in”. May this moment last a lifetime.

I have to pass this story of faith, hope, and love on. The mother carried the conjoined twins to full term, gave birth, and they lived for an hour. Such a beautiful story full of life.

Thoughts and prayers are with the family.

“There is no such thing as a private life, or a place to hide in this world, for a man or woman who is intimately aware of and shares in the sufferings of Jesus Christ. God divides the private life of His saints and makes it a highway for the world on one hand and for Himself on the other. We are not sanctified for ourselves. We are called into intimacy with the gospel, and things happen that appear to have nothing to do with us. But God is getting us into fellowship with Himself….”
~O. Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (Nov 1)

The second line of this quote has come at such a poignant time in my life, and it’s truth so evident. A while back I use to think that I did have time to myself. This normally would, and still does, look like me going to a coffee shop with my devotional, bible, and journal to go sit and process for a few hours. I finanly realized that those were, and are, my true quiet times. Those times that I think I carve away for myself in the silence of a drive home from school, sitting at a coffee shop or an afternoon at home the Lord is still present and speaking. It was such a beautiful, wonderful, simply realization too.
As God is teaching me about dying to myself, about “putting to death” my own ideas for “my” life He has been driving home this concept of the highway of life that Chambers speaks of. Chambers use of this metaphor “highway” couldn’t have been a better choice. God has been bringing to mind that at work, at home, and at school my life lays barenaked before all the world to see. He has provided numberous opportunities for those around me to see how much of an orphan I still think I am. I’m frustrated with my job, I’m ready to graduate, I’m anxious about the future, and I want so many things for my life. All my frustrations, my disappointments, my rights to myself, my lack of belief, my doubts, my lack of conviction lays before all to see and to judge. But God does not look to them He looks to me. He is calling me to draw closer to Him. He is in control, and He is using all me not just parts of me to bring Himself glory. And in its those vulnerable, embarrassing, raw moments where I act like an orphan that God calls to this adopted daughter “Come…”.

Somethings I learned today…

*I want a new job. I want a new job bad enough to research jobs now instead of slacking off, and stick with the crap one I have to figure out my life.

*I think I need to apply to seminary and/or grad school. That is a more acute awareness of how bad I want a new job/career.

*The closer I get to graduation the more, and more thankful and grateful I am that I will have a degree.

*The closer I get to graduation the more, and more thankful and grateful I am to the people who pushed, encouraged and supported me through out this whole process.

*The gifts and blessing in my life point to how great God’s grace is and how so underserving I am.

*You can go at least 60 days without talking to anyone and without anyone talking to you. A girl said this today, and I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurt my heart to hear her say that. 60 days. 60.

*I love seeing women find their voice, their value, and their self-worth.

*I flirt with guys who are way too young for me.

*I love hearing people stories.

*I can translate Greek. It may take a few hours, but I can do it.

*I find that I am most with comfortable with people who are honest about their brokenness.

*There is a lot of grace in guys not hitting on me at work. A lot of grace. And almost flattering.

*Hope is not the same thing as wishing. Hope is rooted in real possibilities.

*I’m at a really good place and I have high hopes for what is to come.

How can one person want to do so many different things? How can I want to make music and go to seminary? How can I want to travel and stay put? How can I want to indulge my appetite for adventure and pay off bills? How can I want to be married and single? How can I want to move away and be close to people I love here?

Some people just know what they are suppose to do, and they have known for a long time. Some people are outstandingly gifted to do something, and there isnt a question about what they want to do. Some people are told what they are suppose to do, coerced into what they are to do, born to do what they are doing. Some people are assigned to what they will do. And some people just settle in what they do.

Then there is me. Unfocused, hippie-like, free-spirited me. Im good with people, so anything people are interested in I am interested in. But that doesnt really narrow anything down for me. There isnt one area of study, one hobby, one activity that has stuck out and just screamed “Racheal, this is what you need to do for the rest of your life!” I write well. When I try. Im great at being self-aware.

And I love life. Absolutely love it. The good, the bad, the ugly.

And I love Jesus. A lot.

But what to do, what to do, what to do.

I think Ill just…be.