The second line of this quote has come at such a poignant time in my life, and it’s truth so evident. A while back I use to think that I did have time to myself. This normally would, and still does, look like me going to a coffee shop with my devotional, bible, and journal to go sit and process for a few hours. I finanly realized that those were, and are, my true quiet times. Those times that I think I carve away for myself in the silence of a drive home from school, sitting at a coffee shop or an afternoon at home the Lord is still present and speaking. It was such a beautiful, wonderful, simply realization too.
As God is teaching me about dying to myself, about “putting to death” my own ideas for “my” life He has been driving home this concept of the highway of life that Chambers speaks of. Chambers use of this metaphor “highway” couldn’t have been a better choice. God has been bringing to mind that at work, at home, and at school my life lays barenaked before all the world to see. He has provided numberous opportunities for those around me to see how much of an orphan I still think I am. I’m frustrated with my job, I’m ready to graduate, I’m anxious about the future, and I want so many things for my life. All my frustrations, my disappointments, my rights to myself, my lack of belief, my doubts, my lack of conviction lays before all to see and to judge. But God does not look to them He looks to me. He is calling me to draw closer to Him. He is in control, and He is using all me not just parts of me to bring Himself glory. And in its those vulnerable, embarrassing, raw moments where I act like an orphan that God calls to this adopted daughter “Come…”.

*I want a new job. I want a new job bad enough to research jobs now instead of slacking off, and stick with the crap one I have to figure out my life.

*I think I need to apply to seminary and/or grad school. That is a more acute awareness of how bad I want a new job/career.

*The closer I get to graduation the more, and more thankful and grateful I am that I will have a degree.

*The closer I get to graduation the more, and more thankful and grateful I am to the people who pushed, encouraged and supported me through out this whole process.

*The gifts and blessing in my life point to how great God’s grace is and how so underserving I am.

*You can go at least 60 days without talking to anyone and without anyone talking to you. A girl said this today, and I can’t even begin to explain how much it hurt my heart to hear her say that. 60 days. 60.

*I love seeing women find their voice, their value, and their self-worth.

*I flirt with guys who are way too young for me.

*I love hearing people stories.

*I can translate Greek. It may take a few hours, but I can do it.

*I find that I am most with comfortable with people who are honest about their brokenness.

*There is a lot of grace in guys not hitting on me at work. A lot of grace. And almost flattering.

*Hope is not the same thing as wishing. Hope is rooted in real possibilities.

*I’m at a really good place and I have high hopes for what is to come.

Some people just know what they are suppose to do, and they have known for a long time. Some people are outstandingly gifted to do something, and there isnt a question about what they want to do. Some people are told what they are suppose to do, coerced into what they are to do, born to do what they are doing. Some people are assigned to what they will do. And some people just settle in what they do.

Then there is me. Unfocused, hippie-like, free-spirited me. Im good with people, so anything people are interested in I am interested in. But that doesnt really narrow anything down for me. There isnt one area of study, one hobby, one activity that has stuck out and just screamed “Racheal, this is what you need to do for the rest of your life!” I write well. When I try. Im great at being self-aware.

And I love life. Absolutely love it. The good, the bad, the ugly.

And I love Jesus. A lot.

But what to do, what to do, what to do.

I think Ill just…be.

Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: The Christian way of life does not take away our loneliness; it protects and cherishes it as a precious gift.  Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising immediate satisfaction and quick relief.  But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness is an invitation to transcend our limitations and look beyond the boundaries of our existence.  The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with promise for him who can tolerate its sweet pain.  When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel, too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations.  We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge-that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune or collective, no man or woman, will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition.  This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more  prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence.  Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home.  Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolute expectations (p.78).

In no way does Nouwen advocate against the need for relationships, but what he does is point out how to enter them as a person of wholeness.  When we have a deep understanding of ourselves, and our true nature then we can meet others deeply and guide them to deeper understandings of themselves.  He talks about how we create a “space” in ourselves, out of humilty and not out of self-pity, that invites others to be themselves around us.  I think, on some level, he is also saying that through this process we are freed up to get out of the way to minister to others.  It isn’t about self-reliance, but rather it is about fully understanding loneliness as a condition common to all men and to use this understanding to connect with and help other people. 

Nouwen’s words ring true in the silence of waiting rooms, at the table for two in the restaraunt, in homes all across the world.  As a person who represents hundres of thousands of singles I can say that I find some comfort in Nouwen’s words.  I’ve been in loneliner places in my life than what I found myself at the present.  I can see the loneliness in the eyes of dear friends, single and married, widowed and divorced, professionals and ministers.  It’s the “common enemy” of humanity, and how people deny it is evident by their means of suppressing it’s reality.

But our hope is in Christ, who, as the writer of Hebrews says,

14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (4:14-16)

Christ experienced a loneliness that we will never understand, but in turn He does understand ours.  May we meet each other in our time of need with humility and compassion, not with all the answers, but with an understanding.