Struggling in the Storm

Posted on March 5th, 2005 by hanfaith.
Categories: General.

Lately, it seems as if all of our struggles and problems have had to do with trusting God. There’s a pattern etched across weeks of uncertainty.

Last week, Phil didn’t have any work. We’re not even sure if he’ll have work on Monday. Basically, the guy he works for didn’t have enough work lined up (he’s a contractor), so they didn’t work. When we were working at the church, it really helped financially when their were lean times at Phil’s jobsite. Now, we don’t have that security. It’s starting to look very tight. Is it right to ask the church’s food cupboard for help when we have money in savings? That savings is hopefully for our new house… but is it right to ask for help in a situation like this?

Then there’s the whole issue of building a house. Is that really what we want? For years and years, both of us wanted to go into missions. Then Éva came along and had health problems, so we had to put it off. We moved up to Maine to take the Youth Pastor job, hoping for some ministry experience. We did get a lot of experience, but now we’re back where we started. Initially, we had hoped to really plant down roots with this church so that we could have a solid relationship with a home church if we did go oversees. Now we don’t have that. We don’t even have our old church in Virginia to fall back on. We’re adrift in a sea of confusion and uncertainty.

There are so many good things for us here. Phil likes his job (when there is work) and it’s really good for Éva’s health. We also have a lot of opportunities up here. We have family land that we could build on. We have great grandparents living right next door to our kids. We have a beautiful view and wide open fields for our kids to play in. There is so much to be thankful for and appreciate, but is this what is right for our family right now?

I think back to Passion 2000, when Phil and I (then unmarried), stood up with many others in a field of 50,000 to make a commitment to missions. What happened to that commitment? I know we could still be a part of missions in many different ways, but it still leaves me a little uneasy.

I guess it would be easier if missions wasn’t even a possibility. For what seems like forever, I’ve researched mission boards and opportunities and it just seemed like one door after another closed. We really like New Tribes, but we don’t completely line up with them theologically. But then, recently I found that I could teach in one of their missionary schools overseas, and not completely have to line up with them like we would if we had gone into tribal missions. Honestly, I’d like to do this, but I also want to be home with my kids.

So I suppose it’s something that could be done later on when our kids are older. But it just feels like we are pushed and pulled tossed and turned from every direction. Some say: Go! Some say: Stay! Some say: It doesn’t matter, just as long as you are living your daily life for God’s glory. Some say: There’s no urgency. Some say: There’s a need.

I guess it all comes back to trusting God. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if our life plan was mapped out in front of us. If only we could just check in a couple of years and see directly where we are supposed to be and what we should be doing. But as we all know, life is not made in black and white… but in brilliant colors. Decisions aren’t easy… and for the Christian, I don’t really think they should be. Life is not a Thomas Kinkade painting. We’re struggling in a real world with real sin, real pain, and real joy and hope. There’s so much to be gained in the journey and the struggle… but that doesn’t make the journeyman a clown with a smile pasted on his face.

I don’t know where we’ll be in five years. I don’t know where we’ll be in one year. I guess we’ll just have to keep trusting in God to see us through this and watch his story unfold in our lives.

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