On this quiet, dreary afternoon, I’m sitting in the office listening to my “Square Pegs & Friends” playlist and I felt compelled to post the lyrics to this song, written by John Newton and, in the case of my iPod, played by Matthew Smith.

The Lord Will Provide

Though troubles assail,
And dangers affright;
Though friends should all fail,
And foes all unite,
Yet one thing secures us,
Whatever betide:
The Scripture assures us,
“The Lord will provide.”

The birds, without barn
Or storehouse, are fed;
From them let us learn
To trust for our bread;
His saints what is fitting
Shall ne’er be denied,
So long as ’tis written,
“The Lord will provide.”

His call we obey,
Like Abram of old,
Not knowing our way,
But faith makes us bold;
For though we are strangers,
We have a good Guide;
And trust in all dangers:
“The Lord will provide.”

When Satan appears
To stop up our path,
And fills us with fears,
We triumph by faith;
He cannot take from us,
Though oft he has tried,
The heart-cheering promise,
“The Lord will provide.”

He tells us we’re weak,
Our hope is in vain;
The good that we seek
We ne’er shall obtain;
But when such suggestions
Our faith thus have tried,
This answers all questions,
“The Lord will provide.”

No strength of our own,
Nor goodness we claim;
Our trust is all thrown
On Jesus’ dear name.
In this our strong tower
For safety we hide;
The Lord is our power,
“The Lord will provide.”

When life sinks apace,
And death is in view,
The word of His grace
Shall comfort us through;
Not fearing or doubting,
With Christ on our side,
We hope to die shouting,
“The Lord will provide.”

It’s Friday night and I’m sitting at Mitchell’s coffeehouse reading and reflecting. Yeah, I know. I feel like I’m doing a lot of that lately. I’ve been learning a lot about contentment lately. (Yes, we’re back to that again…) Real contentment. As in “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” That kind of contentment. What I’m learning is that I am not. I do not focus on the things that I should be focusing on. It’s no wonder that I can’t find contentment. So that is my project for the week. For the rest of the month. For the rest of my life.

(Women’s Bible Study reflections based on the “Glory Questions”: Meditating on God’s Word to be Transformed from Glory to Glory)

Acts 3:1-10
Now Peter and John were going up to the temple at the ninth hour, the hour of prayer. And a man who had been lame from his mother’s womb was being carried along, whom they used to set down every day at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, in order to beg alms of those who were entering the temple. When he saw Peter and John about to go into the temple, he began asking to receive alms. But Peter, along with John, fixed his gaze on him and said, “Look at us!” And he began to give them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. But Peter said, “I do not possess silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you: In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene–walk!” And seizing him by the right hand, he raised him up; and immediately his feet and his ankles were strengthened. With a leap he stood upright and began to walk; and he entered the temple with them, walking and leaping and praising God. And all the people saw him walking and praising God; and they were taking note of him as being the one who used to sit at the Beautiful Gate of the temple to beg alms, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

God can heal. He heals the physical. Even more difficult is the healing of the heart and He does that as well. Through Christ, we are healed in mind and spirit. We may still bear outward infirmities, but we are given the power and the tools (Scripture, His Spirit) to be made whole. He takes broken lives, lives that have given up, lives that have been given up on and restores them. We have no choice but to go into His temple and praise Him. Rejoicing over Him who took us from our despair and brought us into His rest and His love. If we truly lived in this, lives would be different. Relationships would be easier because we would view those around us with the same eyes that we were viewed with by God. This should cause us to enter His temple with praises, but since we so often choose not to live in this manner, we seldom return to Him the praise that is due Him. It is easier to live in or brokenness, telling ourselves that we are, in fact, no broken at all. The more we tell ourselves that, the more we believe it. We find those “friends” who will feed into that lie and ignore the counsel of those friends (true friends) who will speak truth and the knowledge of His healing into our hearts. The world tells us it is ok to be broken. And it is, but that brokenness is no an end, as they would have you believe, but rather a jumping off point from which the healing can begin. Refusing to be open to the healing that is so necessary condemns us to a life of bitterness and often solitude, as we no longer trust those around us. In order to live a life that is open to healing, we must trust those around us to speak His truth into our hearts and minds. We must be continually in the Word, “continually devoting [ourselves] to prayer”, as it says over and over again of the disciples. This means even when we don’t feel like it. Even when we’ve slid back and aren’t feeling “whole” or “healed” at the present moment. Of all the ways to receive His words of healing and promise, I need to work on meditating on His Word. This tool of the Glory Questions is giving me the opportunity to do so. I just need to continue to grow in the discipline of doing it. The encouragement of those around me in Bible Study is a great help toward this end…or beginning, as it truly is.

(dÄ­s’kÉ™n-tÄ›nt’)
n.
1.
a. Absence of contentment; dissatisfaction.
b. A restless longing for better circumstances.
2. One who is discontented.

adj. Discontented

Ok, now I know what it means. Now to tackle the thing itself. I’ll let you know how that’s going. And now back to work…

Listening to:

So, I decided to get smart and type out my post first, save it, THEN put it online! Yeah, sometimes I make sense. The rest of the time I don’t. And that leads me to the point of my post. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing these days. I am somewhat of a lost soul. As I sit here drinking a Smirnoff Twisted Watermelon (yum!) watching my senior recital from almost 4 years ago, I can’t help but wonder what I’ve really done with my life thus far. (For the record, I didn’t just randomly pull out my recital. My roommates asked if we could watch it, then stopped watching after 2 songs. Apparently, an Icee run was needed.) I’m always waiting for the time. Reagan and I are waiting for the time when he will be done with his calling in Montana and we’ll be able to move forward in our relationship. You know, actually be able to see each other and all. I realized that it’s been 2 years, 2 months, and 15 days since we’ve seen each other. That’s a long time. In the meantime, I’ve been always living as if I’m going to be leaving at any time. You know, not wanting to get too involved in any ministry, not wanting to make too many friends because then I’d have to leave them. It makes things sad. And now I have friends. I have real friends. It’s a weird thing for me to say. I haven’t had real friends since I was in college. When I left Greenville 3 years ago I no longer hung out with friends. I became a loner in a sense. When I was in Naples I was the regular at Starbucks and Barnes & Noble. I was always there with a book and a journal. The same was true once I moved to Lakeland. Then I joined the Wesley group last year and found some amazing friends. And now we’ve extended our hangouts from just Wednesday to Thursday night Open Mic as well. And now I’ve also found my other group of new friends. As we realized last night as we sat at Starbucks, none of us really knew each other until the end of January. (Me, Karis, Lisa, & Shane) And I’m making even more friends now at Trinity. And I’m making musical connections as well. I don’t know. It’s like I’m digging in. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I had felt like I was ready to leave and now I’m not at all ready to leave. I don’t know where my head is. More importantly, I guess I don’t know where my heart is, where it is supposed to be at the moment. So, that’s my search for now. For the place my heart is supposed to be.

In other news, I started painting on Sunday. That is right, folks! I am even more creative now! I’ll have to take pictures once I finish the whole collage that I have planned. I also dyed my hair tonight. And I didn’t even need to drink any salad water. (Don’t worry…most of you weren’t supposed to get that…well, unless you’re a crazy Gilmore addict like me) Don’t worry, it’s not anything crazy. Basically it just looks like it would look if I actually spent time outside. Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of time to spend outside. Although, I did play my guitar out at Lake Bonny Park this afternoon. I need to do that more often. It was so pretty out. It was the first day of spring and all! So, yeah, I practiced some. I should be able to play at least something on Thursday night. If I can remember it, I may even play a song that I wrote a few years ago. That’s right, I said a song that I wrote. I’ve never played anything that I wrote. I’m a little nervous about it. Yeah. So, now I’m doing the rambling thing. We all know that I’m good at that. That usually means that I’m probably just about done with my post. And so I am.

Go under the mercy!

This should pretty much sum it up:

I am tired and you’re so beautiful
I am dirty and old
I am glass and you are the rock that breaks me apart
I am nothing at all

Is there something I can be
More than this tragic comedy
Because if you would die for me
I wish that I could be worth something

I am weak, you are a soldier next to me
You’re everything I wish I could be
I am a page and I am writing you my heart
So please don’t break it

Is there something I can be
More than this comic tragedy
Because if you would die for me
I wish that I could be worth something

‘Cause I am worn and if you asked
Well I would be the last to tell you
Are my prayers as frail as I?

I am tired and you are the one thing real to me
So hold me while I sleep.
~”Tired”, by Andy O and The Normals

Sometimes when I’m all alone
I don’t know if I can take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
‘Cause I am scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
holding onto your hand is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don’t know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in Your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifted from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams
~”Drifting”, by Bebo Norman

So, I forgot to mention in my post yesterday that I got my tickets this weekend for the Andrew Peterson Christmas concert at the Ryman on December 11th! You’d think that I would remember that since I’m so freakin’ excited about it, but noooo, I forgot. I’m sitting in the front row of the balcony again this year. Last year’s seats were so sweet. This year’s will hopefully be just as sweet. My mom and I have roped my aunt into our insanity this year. That’s right, all three of us will drive up to Nashville late Friday/early Saturday to get there and fellowship (read: go to La Hacienda and eat cheese) and sit in awe at the amazing amount of talent on the Ryman’s stage.

And now I’d like to take a moment to say that I love this guy: Randall Goodgame. That is what I’m aspiring to – sharing things from my life to enlighten (and amuse). And heck, if I could write a song like him I wouldn’t be too upset either!

That brings me to the Fall Festival at the church. They’ve asked me to lead the singing while playing my guitar for the “sing-along” after the baking contests and the dinner and all. First of all, what are they…crazy or something? They asked me a while back and said that they want to do campfire songs or something like that. ‘Cause I know a lot of those! I’m not the world’s best guitarist either. They only time that they’ve seen me play is when our worship leader was out of town and I filled in…in the background, with a direct box that was ghetto-rigged and only worked half of the time and they didn’t really even turn me up in the house system. So, yeah. I mean, I like to think that I can play, but I really don’t know. Now I have to try and get that Saturday off (the 15th) as well as the 22nd, since my aunt won 4 tickets to Mark Schultz in Orlando. *Sigh* I don’t know if I can do it or not. It could be a really great experience or it could really suck. Those are my thoughts for tonight. I should go to bed since I’m opening in the morning. Maybe I’ll just play a little bit of guitar first…

Anyway, until next time, God bless!