god
This weekend I experienced God.
I know that it easy for people to put God in a box and say how He does or does not work. I am not trying to say that this is the ONLY way to experience God, or even the only way that I personally have experienced Him… but this weekend I came to know God in a more intimate way then I ever have before.
This has been a hard six months for me. I have lost friendships and ended a long term abusive relationship. I struggled to know if I was lovable, and I tried to fill that void with a new relationship. I grieved over death. I lost my car and my job. I moved back into the bottoms and I changed churches. I began a new ministry.
I have struggled to maintain my identity when everything I knew about who I was began to change.
Wave after wave of disappointment and disillusionment have swept over me. Every time I thought I had a footing another wave came and sent me off balance again. Sometimes I thought I was drowning, and sometimes I felt like I was just trying to make it through the day.
And in all of my pain, and all of my trails, I tried to give God glory. I wanted so desperately to worship Him, to honor Him, to serve Him. I know the scripture. I know the truth about God. I wanted to prove that I knew He was in the midst of my struggle.
In the past six months I have truly become a servant of God.
But last night I experienced God in a new way.
I attended a Youth For Christ Confrence over the weekend, and I had been to a seminar on Healthy Missionaries and one on Knowing God, and I felt raw and exposed and challenged.
During worship the band began to play Blessed Be Your Name. As those words rolled around in my head my heart began to break.
I slid to the floor and laid my head against the seat and wept.
I came to God not as a servant to master, but as a daughter to her daddy.
I cried and told him that I needed to feel protected, understood, and loved. I wanted nothing more then to sit at his feet and feel His touch. I wanted to be wrapped in His love. I wanted Him to hold me.
As I sobbed I laid my insecurities, my doubts, and my fears at His throne. I held the pieces of my dreams in my hands and offered them to Him. I cried as I told Him that I did have anything to give Him that wasn’t broken or used.
I was honest about how broken I felt, how abandoned I felt, and how hurt I was. I told Him that I was weary. I was fighting so so hard for Him as a servant, that I didn’t think I could come as a daughter . I knew all the scripture and all the truth and all the answers, but it didn’t change the way the trails had made me feel.
I laid down my broken and lost relationships, my ministry, my finances, my job…
and the music played…. “Though there is pain in the offering… blessed be your name“.
I had come to God, But I still had not allowed God to come to me.
Then Dan Webster came and talked about God calling Samuel, and as he closed his message he asked us to sit in the quiet and listen for God to speak to us.
I felt like I needed to write out what I was feeling, and so I grabbed a pen and wrote
what is it you fear?
At first I tried to convince myself I wasn’t afraid, because the Lord is my Light and my Salvation whom shall I fear, and perfect love expels all fear.
I know what the bible says, but that isn’t what I felt.
I heard again
what is it you fear?
so I wrote.
“Who will want to marry me? Will I ever get married?
Where will I work and when will I find a job?
Where will I live and what will my ministry be?
Who us going to protect me?
Who is going to love me?
Who is going to fight for me?
Who is going to care for me?
Who is going to understand me?”
I sat for a moment with tears streaming down cheeks and I heard a voice in my head say
“I AM.”
“what?” I asked outloud. I wrote down what I felt I was hearing word for word and I want to share it…
“I AM.
I AM the one who seeks your attention. I AM the one who has moved heaven and earth to get to you. I AM the one who fights for you. I have cut away what separates… I want YOU. The real you. The broken you. The you that doesn’t have all the answers. The you that isn’t trying so hard to be spiritual that you miss the spirit. I want you Jamie. I want you to NEED me . Not man. not things. ME. Because I AM.
You are my daughter and I love you. I am sorry this is hard, I am sorry you are hurting. But I promise, I PROMISE that I AM. I AM with you. I AM good. I AM your creator, your maker, your master, your husband, your father, and your God. I AM all you need. I AM He who gives and takes away. I AM the only one who knows you. I know everything about you. I knew everything about you before a single day had passed… and I AM the one who loves you still.
trust in me… I AM enough.”
I sat for a moment, tears rolling my cheeks in awe and in worship. I felt a peace that transcended understanding… I knew the scripture, but it had never been so real to me as in that moment.
I had experienced God, and he is I AM.
