Life As an Afterschool Special

I have a HOT date

So I got call tonight from an older man who asked me to go out with him.

He said he is going to pick me up at my house tomorrow night at seven, and I should wear a dress. I asked him what we were doing and he said it was suprise.

How fun! I haven’t been this excited in quite a while.

I think what makes me most excited is that I really do care about this man.

In fact, at this point in my life I cant think of a single man I would rather spend the evening with then him.

He is handsome.

He makes me laugh.

He makes me feel safe.

He is strong and smart and loving and gentle.

He is loyal above all else.

He is an overcomes.

He is humble.

He throws a GREAT party.

He likes to dance and sing and he can be so silly.

He rides a Harley.

I know he loves Jesus.

Truthfully I know he loves me, and that he would do anything for me.

What more can you ask for in a date?!

So tomorrow I will put on my dress and wait for this man to show up at my house. And when I open the door I will look into a face that I know so well. I will look into the face of my father.

Yay for “daddy daughter date nights”!!!!!!

My Life as an Afterschool Special

so all I want to say today is Josh and Kat are amazing…

Josh put some of their recorded songs on his blog yesterday, and they are so so so good….

http://rmfo-blogs.com/reilly/archives/2005/03/14/here-they-are/

you should check it out!

*so I dont know how to post a link so you all have to copy and paste. can anyone tell me how to make link*

My Life as an Afterschool Special

I talked to Brian again last night. How wonderful it feels to maintain a friendship with someone who knows you so well, despite the past… to be able to laugh at how awkward everything was…. it is a good feeling.

Its funny because I was just talking to Lisa about Brian, and she said “You havent told me much about him”

and I realized that I didnt because I didnt think there was much to tell. I mean Brian and I were boring. No big drama, nothing crazy, not huge highs and lows… it was just… steady. Even our breakup was steady.

Lisa said “Oh yeah, you dated this godly guy for a long time, but it wasnt drama filled so you didnt mention it?! I mean stability and steadyness, what is THAT?!”

heh. she has a point.

But for the record there WERE highs and lows, and a bit of drama, and a lot of making out….

Last night I started out by asking Brian if he wanted to to be deep and talk about what was going on and his mom, or if he wanted to be silly and shallow and be distracted. He said he wanted to see where the conversation went.

We went silly and shallow.

Brian talked about us smoking cigars together, and I couldnt remember what he was talking about. He said “we smoked them at a party” and I said “whose party” and he said “i dont remember” and i said “well… what state were we in”

Heh. I am such a nerd.

He made fun of me moving so much and pointed out that while we dated I lived in five states. Did I mention I like to move?!

I said “I dont really remember that” and he asked what I remembered about us…

I said “naps, we took a lot of naps”

He said ” You took naps Jamie, you were always sleeping”

I replied “Thats cause you were always making out with me… I got tired”

And we proceeded to talk about making out…

Did you know I made out under a fooseball table at my parents house? heh. I TOTALLY forgot about that until last night. I am such a rebel.

But its true, Brian and I made out all over the midwest, which was ok, because as he pointed out we waited like two and half years to kiss.

Ohhhh to be 19 and in love again… to have wild and reckless and hungry and stolen kisses….

Sadly thoes days are long gone. The closet I have come to kissing in a while was when I kissied dating goodbye, or at least kissed it “lets just be friends for a while”

And now I learning how to be steady and stable all by my self. But every now and then I think back to thoes days, and I smile….

You gotta laugh at yourself, or you’d cry your eyes out if you didnt.

My Life as an Afterschool Special

My ex boyfriend Brain just called me and told me that his mother had died… it seems so strange, because I just talked to her a month ago.

Brian and I dated when I was a freshman at Ohio State. We dated on and off for a while, but after I was raped I pushed him away and got involved with someone else. Brian was a christian, and no matter what mistake I made during taht time he would always push me back towards God. He remained my friend and was loyal and loving when I was unreasonable and hurt. And he convinced me to love again. And for that I am ever greatful. We began to date seriously, and even talked of marriage. He was sweet and supportive, and I loved him deeply, but we were just too young to be able to handle all the trails and chaos that came into my life my at that time. Brian helped me through some of my darkest moments, but it was a lot for anyone to take.

I was overwhelmed in Ohio, and so I spent a summer in Vermont, then I moved away to Minneapolis, and then spent a summer in CA. Brain waited patiently while I tried to “find myself” but the stress was too much. He came to visit me in Minneapolis. And we flew out and saw my parents in Michigan and hung out in ohio, but we couldnt make it work. Brian and I broke up shortly afterwards. The emotional strain of everything we had been through had taken its toll, along with the ever growing distance and my refusal to settle down. It was hard, because it was emotional, and feelings ran deep. Phyllis, Brians mom, and I were always very close. I loved her and she knew it. I was so afraid to talk her after Brian and I broke up, because I knew how deeply she loved her son.

The first time we talked after the break up she was amazing. She was funny and supportive and loving, and while I cried she just listened and tried to understand. And we have maintained a relationship since then. She has emailed me and Instant messaged me, and even sent me gifts and letters.

I always teased her that I was her favorite, and she was just holding out for me to be her daughter in law. She would always laugh that great laugh of hers and say “Ya, but you cant tell Brian.”

Phyllis was from the south, Gadsen AL to be exact. And she was everything I always pictured a southern belle to be. She was classy, and fun, and loyal, and so so so fiesty.

I remember one time after we broke up Brian and I were talking on the phone and she wanted to tell me something and he wouldnt give her the phone.

Next thing I hear is him yelling “Ow” and then her voice. I asked her what happened and she said “I bit him”

and I said “you BIT Brian?!” and she said ” He wouldnt give me the phone!” But she said it with an accent so it sounded cooler.

She was like that. Unexpected. and amazing. and sweet. and so so loyal and loving to the people in her life, especially Brian and Jessica, her kids.

I could tell you a thousand stories about her but what matters most is I loved her. and she will be missed.

*Bri if you read this, you know that I am always always here, and I love you. Anything you need, anywhere, anytime. Just let me know. I will take the first greyhound bus to Alabama. I’m praying for you.*

My Life as an Afterschool Special

My friend Daniel and I were talking the other day about the possibility of being single our whole lives…

and while I can agree with Daniel that the possibility is always there, the deepest desire of my heart is to be a wife a mother.

I have a reoccuring dream, sometimes I think I can see faces, other times I dont. But I always wake with such peace and such comfort, that I know this dream is written on my heart.

Sometimes I have this dream…

It seems so real I forget that it isnt true.

I am in a garden, the sun is warm on my shoulders, my hands deep in rich soil. Childrens laughter echos through the yard and the smell of dinner drifts from the house.

I look up and see him standing there. I dont know when he arrived but I catch my breath as our eyes meet. This is my husband, my prince, my warrior, my love. This is the man I was created to be with. I know each line on his face. I know every smile, I see every thought. I have watched the years change him, and my love for him has only grown.

He smiles as our children see him standing there. “Daddy Daddy” they cry as they run to him. He picks them up laughing. These are our children, the arrows in our quiver that we hold ever so tightly. They are our future, and they are loved. He kisses them on the head and sends them inside to get ready for dinner.

Now its our turn. He grabs my hand and I stand, wiping off the dirt. He takes me in his arms and we dance slowly and silently to music only we can hear. The sun is warm on my back and I lay my head on his shoulder, just breathing in the moment. A crash comes from inside the house, followed by a little voice yelling “its ok!”, and we laugh as we walk in hand in hand to the house.

Over dinner the kids eagerly talk about what they are learning and the days adventures, and he listens intently soaking up every word. We talk about our days and his work and the church, and I smile as I look around me, satisfied at the home I am tending, the family I am raising, and the man that I love.

Later that night as we tuck the children in, we listen as they say their prayers. Tears come to my eyes as I think about everything we have been through. How hard we have fought for ourselves, our realtionship, and our family. I think back over the years, over the trails and the struggles and the doubts and I realize that I wouldnt change a moment. Every tear, every struggle, every doubt has lead me to this moment.

I am at peace, I am in love, and I am home.

and I wake up feeling rested, feeling happy, and feeling loved.

I dont know what the future holds, but I know what is written on my heart.

My Life as an Afterschool Special

So today my heart is heavy. And I just keep thinking if I can make enough sense of what is in my head to put it in black and white then it will all be ok.

But the truth is, in a lot of ways, it isn’t ok. And it hasn’t been for a while.

My friend Kathy and I used to say, at times like these, that we feel like glass inside…

Today I feel like glass inside…

Today loneliness is crashing over me in waves…

Have you ever seen Bruce Almighty? There is a scene where Bruce tries to use his powers as God to make his girlfriend love him.

And he looks at her with such pleading and determination and begs her to love him…. His voice breaks as he pleads “love me….”

How I can identify with that moment….

I feel unloved… And worse then that, I feel unlovable… I feel like I am too broken, too raw, too much to love.

I feel like over and over again in my life people have walked away and stopped loving. And I have been taught over and over again how to walk away, how to start over, how to move on.

But the problem lies in the fact that I don’t want to be someone that people can just walk away from. I don’t want to be someone that others just forget. And I hate that I feel like I am someone that you can just stop loving.

But people do. All the time. And its not one particular person that stands out today… Its just the broken promise of the words I love you. Pastors, friends, boyfriends… People in my life who have held my fragile heart in their hands.

And I offered it to them…Believing that they loved me, the real me, the raw me… Only to have them walk away when I didn’t live up to what they wanted me to be…

and now they are fine. They have moved on. They don’t love me, they aren’t hurt, they don’t miss me or even my friendship…. They have tossed their love aside and they don’t look back, while I am broken and confused and hurt and trying to make sense of all this mess.

This is why I don’t trust. I don’t trust myself and I most certainly don’t trust others. And I hang in the balance of wanting so desperately to love and be loved, and wanting so desperately to protect my heart from the pain that love can inflict. And so I build walls.

and I know its all wrong on a million levels. I know that I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and God. I know I am giving people too much power over me and my thought and my emotions. I know that there are a million things that are wonderful about me, and even if other people cant see it, it doesn’t make it less true.

I know I cry over lost love that I never truly had. I mourn the loss of words, when there was no truth behind them… I understand this in my head, but I cant make my heart match.

because today I feel lonely.

and maybe its just because the weather is cold and dreary, or because I only work 10 hours a week right now and have entirely too much time to think and feel…

Or maybe I have been listening to too much Patty Griffin….

Or maybe it is because I had a miserable day teaching yesterday and an even worse night at City Life….

Or maybe its because in the process of deciding where I belong I don’t feel like I belong anywhere….

Or more likely it is because I just ran into an old boyfriend, and saw some members of my old church who no longer talk to me…

and in any case I feel like Bruce, and I just want to yell “Love me”

I KNOW I am rambling and this may not even make sense, but this is me.

The real me.

The me that I am so afraid people are going to walk away from.

I have issues. I am insecure. I am high maitnence and drama. I am not even close to being honest most of the time. I am not nearly as strong as I would like to pretend. Most of the time I only love and am only loyal because I am petrified of being alone if I don’t. I smile and laugh because I want to yell and cry sometimes. And I will become anything you want me to be if you will just love me….

but please…. Be careful with me…

My Life as an Afterschool Special

I hate the grey areas.

You know, when things aren’t black and white. When there isn’t a good choice or a bad choice.. When the possibilities are open and endless.

I feel like I am living in the grey right now. I don’t know where I am going to live, what I am going to do, what ministry I am going to be in.

Right now I am living in the moment. I am serving where I am at. I am trying to be fully HERE, at least until my lease runs out.

But to be honest my heart is somewhere else.

I want to go back to Minneapolis. I really do.

I miss the city. I miss the lakes. I miss my friends. I miss my church.

On the flip side my family is in Ohio. And I love them. I love being close to them… And that is what is keeping me here….

When I moved to Ohio the “plan” was to be here for 6 months.

I was trying to “find” myself.

I wanted to figure out what to do about my relationship with Matt. I wanted to work on being healthier. I wanted to work on my finances. I wanted to get to know my family on a deeper level.

And I have. Its taken almost two years, but I have done what I came here to do…

and now, I have to decide if I am going to stay or going to go home.

Yes to Minneapolis, which is still in my heart of hearts home.

And its grey. I wont be in sin if I chose one or the other. I don’t have this great “Thus sayth the Lord” leading. I have fellowship both places. I have friends both places. I have a church home both places. I have ministry opportunity both places….

But the reality is that I need to decide. I need to pick a place and stay. I have moved 26 times in 26 years.. And the truth is that it is time for me to have roots… It is time to establish myself…..

the amazing this is for the first time I am making a decision on what I want. I am truly single for the first time since I was 14. No one is in the wings… I am just me. I don’t have a job holding me back… There is nothing hindering or influencing my decision…. I can make a decision based on what is best for ME.

and that scares me out of my mind…..

So how do I decide in the grey?