Life As an Afterschool Special

Tornado

I have been talking Matt lately a lot more then makes me comfortable. I much perfer to be “fine”. But he is a tornado in my life…

Sara Groves… Tornado

And every time I find healing you’re making a new mess,
And I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness.
And I could move and never send you a forwarding address,
Or I could learn the real meaning of forgiveness.-

Best day ever

I spent last night at my parents house, and I actually slept for the first time in a while. I laid in the darkest room in the basement and just enjoyed the quiet. It was so nice to not worry and not listen for every little noise wondering if it was Matt. It was so nice to exhale.

And today, instead of getting overwhelmed, I just allowed myself to breathe.

I got fired this morning from the portrait studio.

Which, given the rest of the drama in my life, should have been enough to set me over the edge.

But instead it gave me an opportunity to exhale.

Which was so needed.

I made a decision to just to be fully in the moment today.

And in the process of breathing and taking it one moment at a time, I had the most amazing day.

I spent time with some of favorite people, and I truly got to relax.

My roommates and I spent the morning at a picnic for Youth for Christ volunteers. I laughed with my friends, ate steak, and enjoyed the sunshine.

I even joined a game of Chicago softball. I was really good (I even slid into second).

Ok maybe I wasn’t REALLY good. Luckily I am cute enough to not have to rely entirely on my athletic skills.

After the picnic, Erica, Amy, and I went to starbucks and then we drove to Ericas dads and layed out by the swimming pool and read gossip magazines and paperback novels. It was so nice to just lay around in comfortable silence (except when I read to Amy and she talked about how hot Ericas dad was. Neither of us will ever look at white rain the same way again)

Then we came home and got ready for our friend Jess wedding. Sassy heels and flair always puts me in a good mood. The wedding was beautiful, the bride looked incredible, and it was fun just to hang out with my sister Erica and my parents.

Then I came home, threw on some jeans and flip flops, and went with my friends Brian, Lisa, and Felicia to see the new star wars movie.

And now I am back at Lisa and Brians house with Amy and Steve and we are eating McDonald and having a good time.

So today I allowed myself to exhale. And to be truly in the moment. And I had the one of the best days I have had in a long long time in the process.

Rain

its hard to listen to a hard hard heart
beating close to mine
pounding up against the stone and steel
walls that i won’t climb
sometimes the hurt is so deep deep deep
you think that your gonna drown
sometimes all i can do is weep weep weep
with all this rain falling down

Patty Griffin Rain

I know I have quoted that song before but it remains one of my very favorites.

And it has been running in my head for the past couple hours.

I just took a long walk in the rain followed by a long hot shower.

There is something so therapeutic about the rain…

The way it sounds as it hits the pavement, the way it dances on your skin when it reaches you, the way it feels when it runs down your face and mingles in your tears, even the way it can chill you to the very core of your being…

Rain makes you feel alive, it washes away a bit of the brokenness, it comforts you with its own melancholy sound, it soothes your weary soul.

All I want to do is escape.

Somehow, somewhere, find the place where my heart no longer feels and my head is no longer filled with thoughts that don’t let me sleep.

And so I walked in the rain. And for just a moment, the world washed away.

I got a new haircut. It is the shortest it has been in a long long long time. But I like it. It is new. A fresh start. And lord knows we all need fresh starts sometimes. 

True desperation.

Its a funny feeling, truly getting to the point where you have exhausted your own efforts and nothing you do seems to make a difference or change anything.

There is almost a peace that comes from knowing that you are trying your very best, and all your efforts to cope fall short.

At the moment you throw up your hands and hit your knees and beg God to do something, anything because you cant make it through another minute without him, you find He is right there waiting.

The other day I woke up completely overwhelmed.

Matt had come over the night before and I was so angry and overwhelmed.

I had worked 61 hours that week and I scheduled to work two jobs that day.

And everything just seemed to be falling apart around me.

I laid in my bed and started to cry.

And I told God that everything was too much. That I seriously didn’t think I could get out the bed without Him.

I NEEDED Him. I needed to know that above all else and despite anything else He was still good and in control. I needed to know that even when I felt faithless that He would be faithful.

I couldn’t even get out of the bed and face the day without him.

And while it is hard to start the day in tears, there is such an intimacy that comes with desperation.

So while things have been emotionally and physically and spiritually hard, in some ways I wouldn’t trade it.

Because I know more about myself and my weakness, and more about God and His strength than I ever have before.

and that is total desperation like I never knew… But is changing me like I never thought possible.

I haven’t written lately.

I think I have run out of words.

Which is a strange feeling for me, because I tend to be a very verbal processor.

But lately I am tired, and weary, and I just feel like there aren’t words anymore.

Like everything I feel goes so so far beyond any words I have to describe it.

Its not that I don’t have people who are willing to listen. People who care about me and love me and worry about me.

But I just feel like it doesn’t matter…. No matter what I say it is just words and it doesn’t change anything.

And I just feel overwhelmed and like I hate so many things.

I hate everything that is happening with Matt.

I hate that I feel like I have no control over any of this.

I hate that I cant just fix this.

I hate that I question myself and doubt and wonder if I am just being dramatic and I feel like everything I say and do just makes everything worse.

I hate that a protection order is just a piece of paper and only really means something if he obeys it.

I hate that he uses God to justify his actions.

I hate that he thinks I am promised to him, and he makes me feel like I have no say in it.

I hate that he hurts me, and even more so, I hate that I have allowed him to do it.

I hate that I am afraid of him. I hate that when I drive to my house I wonder if he is going to be there, and when I am home alone I worry that he will show up and when my dog barks at night I think that its him.

and most of all I hate that I so could have stopped all this if I had just listened to people six years ago when they told me that this would happen. Or any time during the past six years when he hit me or shoved me or called me names or threatened me. I could have walked away so many times. And I didn’t.

I hate that I believed in love more then I believed in truth.

and I hate that this is all just consequence for those choices.

and there are a million other reasons why I feel overwhelmed. Ministry is hard and living in the bottoms is hard and counseling is hard and life is hard…

And I am ok. Really I am. I am fine. I just don’t have words anymore.