Life As an Afterschool Special

I decided to write a not depressing post today….

and since I have not yet wrote about Katies visit to columbus, I decided to write about her.

Top ten reasons why Katie Jo is one of my top ten favorite people.

(yes I do have a ranking system)

10. She is a really fun drunk for the ten minutes she can hold her liquor before she starts vomiting. And she puts up with all my drunk dials.

9. She sees such beauty in everyday things. She thinks old buildings and numbers and cracks in the road and airports and butterflies can be beautiful things. And she takes amazing pictures.

8. She is like a little kid sometimes. She gets excited about little things, like her very own shiny lifeguard whistle from my work. And she will blow bubbles with me and play playdough. She makes almost any any activity fun. I laughed so hard playing Bingo (stupid instants) that I got a headache.

7. She is a big crybaby. She lets me be a crybaby. And she pets my head and lets me cry.

6. She is fiesty as hell. And she is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. You cant convince her to do anything she doesnt want to do (especially go swimming). And she has a black belt. And she can be a hard ass when she isnt being a crybaby. And she isnt afarid to kick some ass or call the police from a time zone away. and she brought me a bat and named him rawly.

5. She doesnt yell at me when I drive. Even when she has to grab the wheel because I am driving off the road.

4. She lets me call her when I am upset and NOT talk . She will sit on the phone with neither of us saying anything for hours and hours. And she listens to me when I want to talk. Even if I am angry or rambling or drunk and not making sense and have a pillow over my face as I am talking. And when I call her and cry so hard that I cant breathe she makes me breathe until I calm down and then convinces me it will be ok…

3. She reads me bedtimes stories when I call her at 2am and cant sleep.

2. She understands what makes cowboys so sexy. And she doesnt even mind that my counrty boyfriend is Toby Keith, who could totally kick Brad Paisleys ass. And she will sing country music with the radio as loud as it goes and all the windows down with me.

1. She is an amazing friend. And she is loyal. And she is compassionate. And she has been there for me in a million ways that she will never understand.

Just some thought since I havent worote in so long….

• Kathy and Tim made me cry last night. I talked to kathy on the phone last night… told her about what was happening in my life and how I am handling it and how hard everything is, and Tim asked if I needed them to come get me and bring me “home” to Minneaota. kathy said “we are serious.. we will get in the car and come get you” I love them so deeply and I am so so so blessed by the way they love me.

• I need a new battery for my car. I was going to get one for free and the FBI came and arrested the man who was going to give me one… I hope he gets out soon… I hate not having a car. Such is like in the bottoms….

• I really really really love my job. I think it is the one thing that keeps me sane right now. It is good for me to be outside everyday.. in the sunshine.. and to be able to swim. There is something so therepudic about water.

• My favorite cover band.. bad little monkies.. is breaking up. That makes me sad, because my roomates and I love to go watch them play. They are totally danceable, even when you are sober. So if anyone knows any guitarist that live in Columbus let me know.

• Katie gave me a baseball bat when she was here. We named it Rawly. I sleep with it every night. I find it very comforting… People sleep with teddy bears or extra pillows or even blankies…. but I have a bat. I think thats perfectly normal, perfectly heathly.

• Speaking of perfectly normal… my friend Joshewah left me a message last night and told me my answering machine message sounded depressing and if I didnt change it he would kick my ass. It made me laugh and Amy decide I should marry him. And then I didnt call him back. He loves that about me.

• Seriously.. I need some sleep. I think I have slept 5 hours in the past 72.

• Call me… write me… email me… I miss you all… and I need some love.

I have been horrible updating my blog… I have been horrible at communication in general.

I noticed yesterday that all my recent posts have involved someone elses words… and I know I need courage to find my own words…

This is my attempt.

My roommate Amy gave me a journal last night.

It is just a yellow notebook… and on the front in white writing is a single word… courage.

Courage… both appropiate and ironic.

I sat last night in the darkness of my room and watched my clock change numbers. Finally at two am I got up and wrote.

I need to write, to see my life in black and white, to organize the thoughts in my head into words and sentences, to bring some sense of order to the chaos.

I dont sleep anymore. I cant make the thoughts stop long enough to find some sense of peace. When I close my eyes I see him, somehow etched into the blackness of my mind.

I see his eyes, both angry and pleading, wanting me to love him back. Every angry touch and wispered word floods my mind and fills the emptiness with a life all its own.

And last night in desperation to fill the darkness I found the courage to write.

I am angry.

And I am afraid.

Not just of him, although every noise and every shadow takes on new meaning now… but I am afraid of myself.

I cant do this much longer. And while time should make things easier, heal wounds, and allow me to forget it does not.

I feel like i am drowning.

And I want to scream at everyone who knows me “cant you see… can’t you see me standing in front of you… dont you see me drowning”

But the reality is I dont scream…. I get up and force myself out of bed. And I smile at everyone who loves me and I tell them I am fine and I angrily push away their love and their desire to help. And then I feel alone.

Then I feel like I am drowning.

“Too drama, too high maitnence, and so not worth it…” That is what an old friend said once after coming to visit me..

Thoes words roll around in my head now as people I I love drift away, take breaks, and struggle with loving me.

I know it would be easier if I was honest. And I hate myself for pretending… for laughing like I am not dying inside. But I do laugh, and I get up and I go to work and sit in the sunshine and and go to the store and live my life like it hasnt been stolen from me. And with every concearned question and look and touch my answer is always the same…

but the truth is no matter how many times a day I tell myself and others that I am fine, it is still a lie… because I am not fine at all… and part of me doubts I ever will have the courage to be again.

So there you have it. In my own words… I feel like I am drowning..

and I just need to make sense of that chaos that is in my mind…

I need to write.

…so this is what it feels like to drown.
to just give into the pain…
to give into the night…
to let you win…

do you know how long the night is…
do you know that my life was changed
forever
with the touch of your hand.

do you know that I still feel you…
that every sound
movement
unexpected touch
is a child’s “bump in the night,”
reminders of you.
reminders of how quickly things change.

do you know I still see your face above mine….
I still see the look in your eyes as you took what wasn’t yours
and called it love.

do you know that I don’t sleep anymore…
that any attempt to close my eyes,
to force myself into oblivion,
to shroud myself in silence
is weak and pathetic,
and always haunted by the memory of what you did.

do you know that you won…
you didn’t have to kill me…
you just had to hurt me..
hard enough
long enough
deep enough
for me to give into the pain…
give into the night…

this is what it feels like to drown.