Life As an Afterschool Special

I posted this on the rumor forum, but I have yet to do a real post on my new blog, so I thought this was a fitting place to start.

(PS. Thanks Geof, its beautiful)

Yesterday I went to a retreat and they took away our bibles. Its amazing when you arent allowed to read the word how much you miss it.

After one of the teachings and worship it was time of quiet refection. I cried and cried and cried. Long after everyone else left I sat in the sanctuary and sobbed.

I miss God. I have been so angry for so long, and I actually MISS him. I miss passion and childlike faith. I miss believing that he is loving and good and strong. I miss Him. I am not sure if you have even felt like that, but its heartbreaking.

I also cried for Matt, and everything that happened, and really mourned the loss of what was and what I thought we would be.

I thought so many things in my life were going to be so different.

And as I sat there I began to reexamine my life and who I was and who I am and who I want to be. Its amazing now that drama has settled, and I have had time to think and be real with myself, when everything else in the world falls away and its quiet what I have discovered.

I wish I were different.

I am selfish.

And self centered.

And shallow.

And vain.

And flighty.

And high maitnence.

I am insincere.

I am insecure.

I am untrusting.

I am a horrible listener.

And a horrible friend.

And I dont think I matter.

I am so consumed with right now. With me. With MY problems and MY worries and MY drama. And I have been for a while. In fact, I have always been like this. I rarely take time to notice anyone else until they effect me.

I create drama, I live in drama, I thrive in drama. In fact all the mess in my life is actually ME. Its because I live out the same drama over and over again and the consequence just gets worse and I blame other people and I blame God, but its ME. i do this.

I dont face it. I run away and throw a party and buy some shoes. And I think no one takes me seriously. Because I don’t even take myself seriously. I know how silly I can be. I know how shallow I am. Because the truth is I LIKE shoes, and clothes, and flair, and laughing, and drama, and being girlie, and all the things that don’t really matter in the end.

Seriously.

What do I offer anyone?

Do I enrich the people around me in any way?

When people look back on my life are they just going to say ”she had a great shoe collection and could drink tequlia with the best of them”

I don’t know that they will say that I made a difference in anyones life.

or that I mattered to much of anyone.

and I dont think anyone will say I was a good friend, or a good and faithful servant.

Sometimes I just wish it was different. I wish that I was less like me… And more like… Someone serious. someone who matters. But sometimes you stay the same because thats all you know how to be. And thats what people expect you to be.

Do you ever just wish you were different?