Life As an Afterschool Special

I think you can tell a lot about a woman by what her favorite flower is and the way she describes it.

Most people know that my favorite flower to recieve is a gerber daisy

In fact I went to the farmers market yesterday and now have a vase a gereber daisies on my desk at work.

I think they are bright and bold and fun and yet a little fragile.

and I think that is usually a pretty acurate description of myself.

But I have a secret.

But my real favorite flower is really lilacs.

Only a few people know that about me.

My best Susie and I sometimes go on lilacs hunts… we grab scissors and a vase and to the edge of highways and to parks and anywhere we can find lilac bushes that dont technically belong to anyone (and sometimes that do)

I love the way they smell. I love the color. I love the tiny little flowers.

I love that they overpower a room. I love how bold they are and yet how delicate they are.

I think lilacs are such a feminine flower.

There is nothing better to me than to have a whole room full of lilacs.

Last night I was walking home and spring was in the air and all the lilac bushes were starting to bloom and you could just smell flowers everywhere.

And I am so excited I can hardly wait for them to finish blooming.

Tim the fex ex man came today and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner after work.

He said he could come to my house around 6 and pick me up.

And inside I paniced.

I told him I have plans…

I thought I was just a little nervous, like everyone is when they get asked out…

But the more I sit and think about it the more I think it is so much deeper than that.

My reaction made me realize just where I am in my recovery process from this summer.

The idea of dating at is core is terrifying to me.

The idea of some strange man knowing where I live is terrifying to me.

The idea of being in a mans car that I don’t know very well is terrifying.

Allowing someone into my life that i dont know well is terrifying to me.

The idea of being intimate with someone who I don’t know and trust deeply is beyond terrifying.

I am afraid of my judgement.

I am afraid of making poor choices.

I am afraid of going back to where I was.

I am afraid to feel out of control.

I am afraid to “date”

It makes me feel out of control.

It makes me feel trapped.

I immediatly want to take control of my surroundings.

And I know this isn’t the normal reaction to a man asking you out on a date.

And I waver on what the best way to handle it is.

On one hand I think I just need to get in the game. Live my life. Know that I may may get hurt and I may make wrong choices but at least I wont be afraid. At least I will really be living.

On the other hand, I need to take time to heal and to process. I need to relearn to trust myself and my instincts. An dI know that doesnt happen over night.

And in the process I am lonely.

And its funny really, because my problem is not that there arent people interested in me… its that they arent the right people, it isnt the right time, and it isnt the way I need it to happen.

Oh the heart is complicated.

last fall I was walking home from work and a woman came out of a parking garage downtown with a pink moped and a pink helmet and a skirt and highheels.

I wanted to BE that woman.

Mopeds are only around $700.00

And I live and work downtown.

And its PINK.

ohhhhhh, I really want one.

I organized and downsized my shoe closet this weekend

and I got rid of 20 pairs of shoes!

I am TOTALLY downsizing!

I am so proud!

TA DA!

TA DA!

I talked and the teased the UPS man who told me he doesnt date women on his route and then later brought me candy and asked me out.

Then, I talked with the courier man and then went out to lunch with my coworkers. We are walking downtown and we hear this honking and someone yelling “Jamie…” We turned around and its the courier man waving and honking from his truck. I shout “are you coming to see me today..” and he shouts back “I wish” and drives away.

Then today Tim the fedex man comes in and brings the packages and I ask him if he has any weekend plans.. and then he says “what are your weekend plans… we could go out sometime… if you dont have a boyfriend”

Then later he came back.. and said “I forgot to give you one of your packages… and to get your phone number.”

I dont know what it is with the delivery men… but they love me.

to be honest… it feels nice. it feels good to be admired and liked and wanted…

Just one day afer I declare to the world I may become a “dater” I get asked out.

this whole thing seems easy enough…

So… is this my big step?

Am I stepping into the casual dating world?

It’s a scary idea to me!

I havent been on a “date” in ages.

That is, if you dont count my one date with my lesbian girlfriend.

But that was totally different.

What do people even DO on casual dates?

What do they talk about?

And more importantly.. what shoes do they wear?

I signed up for eharomy today.

I think I should be a “dater”.

I get asked out a lot but never go.

I was just never a girl to “date”

I always had relationships.

I was in a relationship from the time I was 14 until I was 26.

And even then I was single-minded about who I wanted to be in a relationship with.

Right now I am single… and yet in my heart I am waiting…

waiting for what?

waiting for who?

I am tired of waiting.

Why not date?

Why not meet a man for dinner and see what happens?

Why invest time and heart into something that may or may not work?

Why does everything have to be so complicated and hard?

Why can’t I join cheesy internet dating sites and go go have coffee without having to fall in love and make any major commitments?

I want to play cards and go to the movies and walk around the mall and laugh and enjoy someone without wondering about tommorow and the day after that.

I want to be a “dater”

It plays out so nicely in my head…

But the truth is I am not sure I am cut out for the dating world.

The truth is so much of my heart is already gone.

The truth is I emotionally invest… and I would hate no strings attached relationships.

Thats not who I am.

Thats not even who I want to be.

But don’t remind me of that today. Just ask me out for a drink after work… and tell me we don’t have to worry about tommorow.

I just want to go on a date.

I am angry right now.

I am angry because I have spent all day apologizing for things I wasn’t sorry for.

I have a horrible need to apologize. All the time. To everyone. For everything.

People who know me well and love me are forever telling me to stop apologizing for things that I have no control over…

I apologize after I state my opinion or after I am honest about my feelings.

And the truth is I get angry after I apologize… Because I am not sorry.

Today a friend hurt my feelings, and my immediate response was to apologize to them because I was upset. But I wasn’t sorry. I was hurt. I still am hurt.

I feel like I have walked on eggshells for some people in my life… and its never good enough. And so I apologize. I apologized today. But I am not sorry and I am doing the best I can.

At my job I apologize to angry callers. All day. Callers who I did nothing to offend, but who are frusterated and angry and who take it out on me. And I apologize because that is my job, but I am not sorry. I think they are nasty and mean and ridiculous.

It has been a long day at work.

And at lunch a lady set me right over the edge.

She bumped into me and made me drop the soup which I just bought down my shirt and all over the floor… It splattered on her shoes. She gave me a nasty look and I immediately said I was sorry. But I wasn’t sorry. I was angry she made me drop my soup and angry she gave me a nasty look. But I apologized to her. Stupid lady.

Once, my friend Janelle said that you could say or do almost anything you wanted to me, because I am easy going, and even if I get mad I wouldn’t stay mad very long and I would always be the one to apologize.

And even though that hurt my feelings a great deal, and I think that is an awful awful thing to say about someone you care about, the truth is she was right.

I have proved her right time and time again.

I proved her right today.

And even as I type this I want to end it with apologizing for not typing something more fun, or deep, or witty.

But you know what, it’s my blog. And I am not sorry.

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Acts 2:42-47

What is wrong with us?

How have we gotten so far from the passion and the vision of the early church?

Today on the way to work I drove by three huge churches within two city blocks.

There is a church on every corner and a whole city of lost people.

There are millions of people who claim to be Christian and a whole nation of people who know us more for what we are against than what we are for.

Churches keep getting bigger and bigger and yet people are more lonely than ever.

What is wrong with us?

How have we gotten so far from our first love?

How did we get so lost?

I often think about what it must have been like to live in the early church. It amazes me how a group of people were so convinced and so sincere that they changed the world as they knew it. They were persecuted and killed and yet there was such a boldness to their belief.

And they didn’t come with angry words and condemnation. They showed their belief by loving each other and loving God well. They gave all they had and had true community and true fellowship.

Where is that sense of community today?

We have churches trying to out market and out sell one another. Division among Christians… angry words and misplaced judgements…

We are divided.

And we are lost.

And we are angry.

And we are broken.

We are a nation that has cleaned the outside of the glass and neglected the inside…

We need a revolution. We need revolutionaries. We need someone to rise up and remind us once again of the vision and the passion of the early church. We need to be reminded of grace, and Gods love, and His power.

Because God is still the same, it is us who have changed…

Some days it is harder to be single than others days. Yesterday was one of those days.

I had an amazing day.

Spring was in the air, children were laughing, and I was surrounded by people I love deeply.

I went to church, had an amazing lunch, participated in an Easter egg hunt and a talent show, sat by a bonfire, and laughed and loved.

And yet there was a loneliness to the day for me.

I watched parents play with their children, new couples share the joy of being close and getting to know each other, and people who have been married for years share private jokes and touch each other tenderly as they passed by.

And it was hard for me.

Because I want that.

All of it.

I want to meet someone, fall madly in love, and have them love me back.

I want them to want to get to know me and be close to me. I want a man who knows my craziness and my drama and all my baggage and still looks at me with love in his eyes. I want to be worthy of fighting for and being pursued.

I want someone who is crazy about me, and needs me in their life always.

I want a man to drop to his knees and ask me to marry him and then I want to have children and make family dinners and have puppet shows and Easter egg hunts and talent shows.

I want to be married for years and years and watch my children grow old and have their own children and watch my husband turn grey before my eyes and watch time etch wrinkles on his skin.

I want that.

And watching people interact last night in the different stages of relationships tore at my heart. It was hard.

It is hard to be 27 and single.

It is hard to not worry that you are too old, too used, too broken.

It is hard to put your heart out there, to trust and be open to the idea of love, only to have that dream fall short time and time again.

It is hard when things seem so right on paper… when everyone around you thinks you found your perfect match… but you can’t make it work.

It is hard when you fall in love, and no matter how much you want to you can’t make someone love you back.

It is hard not to feel like you must be hard to love… and to worry that no one is ever going to love you… the real you.

It is hard to watch people around you enjoy life, and life, and family….

It is hard.

Most days I don’t care.

I like my freedom… I like open possibilities. I like being single and independent. I like being flirty and going on dates. I like that it’s still okay that men buy me drinks.

I like my house on the edge of downtown and being able to walk to work and making plans without it affecting anyone but me. I like that I can buy what I want, and I don’t have to ask or worry about it.

I like having time and space to work on me, and discover who I am.

I like being single…

But some days are harder than others…

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you’re on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

~Beatles

I really do have amazing friends…

Last week I was so so so sick. I don’t think I have ever felt that sick.

I couldn’t keep anything down, I was in horrible pain… and I was miserable.

I went the ER three times, and was finally admitted last Friday.

I stayed in the hospital until Sunday with severe dehydration… low blood sugar… and an inflamed gall bladder due to gall stones.

It was hard for me to be far away from my family when I was so sick and so scared.

I felt afraid and alone and frustrated.

But I wasn’t alone.

I have an amazing circle of friends who stepped up and took care of me.

When I was sick and couldn’t eat and couldn’t leave my house they brought broth and crackers and medicines and popsicles and flowers… they ordered me food and charged it to their credit card and had it sent to my house…

They sat with me, and loved me, even when I was puking into a family size ice cream bucket.

My friend is a doctor, and all week she was patient and answered my questions and made a very scary process seem less scary…

All my friends encouraged me, sometimes quite forcefully to suck it up and go to the hospital… even when I was being stubborn and didn’t want to go.

And the three times I did go, my friends came and sat with me until the middle of the night. One even slept on the floor in the ER until 5 am.

When I was admitted to the hospital, they called quite often, and sent text messages, and came and sat with me. They all made sure I was okay, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

They dropped what they were doing to take care of me… to pick me up and take me home from the hospital.

They were all good to me.

I have friends that are close to me and other friends from all over the country, and this week they have poured out their love in such tangible ways.

All this week they have checked up on me, and given me time and space to heal.

But the truth is loneliness still creeps up at times… frustration still gets the better of me… my body is still healing and I am still very tired at times… I want to feel sorry for myself… but then my friends hold me close and I am reminded once again of how blessed I am.

Yesterday I was walking home from work feeling sad and lonely.

It was a hard two week, and I miss my friends and my family more than I can say.

It upset me that it was Easter weekend and I had no plans…

I felt alone.

Even though I am feeling better I am still really worn down. And even though all I do at work is sit and answer the phone I am so tired at night I go home and lay down. And it frustrates me to not be able to do all the things I usually do.

I was lonely and frustrated and tired of walking…

I almost worked myself into tears by the time I got to my house…

And then I checked my mailbox and found five cards from my girlfriends.

They all wrote to let me know I was loved and they were thinking about me…

And then I DID cry… not because I was sad or lonely… but because I AM loved, and so lucky, and so blessed.

And today I talked to my friends, and my Easter, which was once going to be filled with loneliness, is now filled with friends and the promise of laughter and love.

So I get by with a little help from my friends….

And I survive with a little help from my friends…

I love you all, and I am more thankful than you will ever know.