Life As an Afterschool Special

I am angry right now.

I am angry because I have spent all day apologizing for things I wasn’t sorry for.

I have a horrible need to apologize. All the time. To everyone. For everything.

People who know me well and love me are forever telling me to stop apologizing for things that I have no control over…

I apologize after I state my opinion or after I am honest about my feelings.

And the truth is I get angry after I apologize… Because I am not sorry.

Today a friend hurt my feelings, and my immediate response was to apologize to them because I was upset. But I wasn’t sorry. I was hurt. I still am hurt.

I feel like I have walked on eggshells for some people in my life… and its never good enough. And so I apologize. I apologized today. But I am not sorry and I am doing the best I can.

At my job I apologize to angry callers. All day. Callers who I did nothing to offend, but who are frusterated and angry and who take it out on me. And I apologize because that is my job, but I am not sorry. I think they are nasty and mean and ridiculous.

It has been a long day at work.

And at lunch a lady set me right over the edge.

She bumped into me and made me drop the soup which I just bought down my shirt and all over the floor… It splattered on her shoes. She gave me a nasty look and I immediately said I was sorry. But I wasn’t sorry. I was angry she made me drop my soup and angry she gave me a nasty look. But I apologized to her. Stupid lady.

Once, my friend Janelle said that you could say or do almost anything you wanted to me, because I am easy going, and even if I get mad I wouldn’t stay mad very long and I would always be the one to apologize.

And even though that hurt my feelings a great deal, and I think that is an awful awful thing to say about someone you care about, the truth is she was right.

I have proved her right time and time again.

I proved her right today.

And even as I type this I want to end it with apologizing for not typing something more fun, or deep, or witty.

But you know what, it’s my blog. And I am not sorry.