A bit of self discovery
Tim the fex ex man came today and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner after work.
He said he could come to my house around 6 and pick me up.
And inside I paniced.
I told him I have plans…
I thought I was just a little nervous, like everyone is when they get asked out…
But the more I sit and think about it the more I think it is so much deeper than that.
My reaction made me realize just where I am in my recovery process from this summer.
The idea of dating at is core is terrifying to me.
The idea of some strange man knowing where I live is terrifying to me.
The idea of being in a mans car that I don’t know very well is terrifying.
Allowing someone into my life that i dont know well is terrifying to me.
The idea of being intimate with someone who I don’t know and trust deeply is beyond terrifying.
I am afraid of my judgement.
I am afraid of making poor choices.
I am afraid of going back to where I was.
I am afraid to feel out of control.
I am afraid to “date”
It makes me feel out of control.
It makes me feel trapped.
I immediatly want to take control of my surroundings.
And I know this isn’t the normal reaction to a man asking you out on a date.
And I waver on what the best way to handle it is.
On one hand I think I just need to get in the game. Live my life. Know that I may may get hurt and I may make wrong choices but at least I wont be afraid. At least I will really be living.
On the other hand, I need to take time to heal and to process. I need to relearn to trust myself and my instincts. An dI know that doesnt happen over night.
And in the process I am lonely.
And its funny really, because my problem is not that there arent people interested in me… its that they arent the right people, it isnt the right time, and it isnt the way I need it to happen.
Oh the heart is complicated.
