Life As an Afterschool Special

I took this off of Katiekins blog…

I couldnt think of anything else to write…

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Jamie
2. James
3. Majesta Bianca

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. imjlrw
2. Jamie
3. Jamie Lee

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am fun
2. I am resilient
3. I am loyal

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Polish
2. Irish
3. Native American

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Drowning
2. People I love dying.
3. Bad Matt

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Music
2. Laughter
3. Communication

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Black tee shirt
2. Black pin striped pants
3. Silver flip flops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
1. Violet Burning
2. U2
3. Over the Rhine

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. When It Don’t Come Easy- Patty Griffin
2. Latter Days- Over the Rhine
3. Deep water- Jewel
(clearly I have been in a mellow mood)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Run a 5k and a 10k
2. Sticking to a budget
3. Play guitar

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Honesty
2. Laughter
3. Loyalty

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I have been to Japan
2. I have been to Colorado
3. I have been to Canada

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Sense of Humor
2. A man who is a man
3. Smile

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO:
1. Drive well
2. Wink
3. Flirt

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Swimming
2. Seeing Concerts
3. Laying on the grass.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. See my family.
2. Talk a walk outside (its SO nice)
3. Lay on the beach

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
1. Chick Lit Author
2. Trucker (only for the hat and cool walkie-talkie name)
3. Trophy Wife

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Europe
2. Nashville
3. The Grand Canyon
(That is just three places I would like to go that I have never been… but I’d go anywhere)

THREE KID’S NAMES:
1. Hope
2. Violet
3. Samantha
(I don’t really know what I want to name my kids)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Really fall in love
2. Get married
3. Make babies. (hee)

I am sitting in Kim’s room while she gets ready for her trip to Europe.

She has been going through her bedroom, strategically stashing all personal and incriminating documents so her mother cant find them when she house-sits.

She also has been asking questions about what to pack, including “What shoes should I take”

I suggested all of them, apparently not the right answer.

(She only has thirty or so pairs… they would totally fit in a suitcase)

She also said “What if all the food in England is boring”

And I reassured her it wouldn’t be. She would be sitting in a PUB eating FISH AND CHIPS, using words like BLOODY and WANKER, and TALLY HO and whatever it is British people say now a days.

While I am waiting I decided to check my email.

I had none. Except an email from BMG. Seriously. Someone drop a sister a line.

It has been a million degrees here.

And by a million I really mean mid 90’s. But that’s practically a million.

I am sure hell is this hot.

And heaven is like coming into air condition after being outside in the heat all day.

(That is profound really, if you think about it. I am so deep)

I am sunburned.

My beautiful golden tan is now a delightful blend of red and pink. And I love red and pink. But not so much as my skin tone. I look like a three year old colored me.

Rebecca and I spent all day at the lake yesterday. We walked downtown, ate outside on the patio, and took a bus to the lake.

I love the lake on hot days.

I love sitting on the beach and letting the sun beat down on my face and my body.

I love the contrast of the freezing lake water and the hot humid air.

I love the people running and walking and playing volleyball and swimming and flirting and teasing.

I love the smell of grass and lake and people grilling and suntan lotions all mixed together.

I love how alive everything is, and how laid back and relaxed it is all at the same time.

We spent hours laying in the sun, talking, reading (I brought three gossip magazines and The Undomestic Goddess) and playing in the water.

We even got up and bought ice cream from the ice-cream man as he made his way around the lake.

The only thing I DONT like at the lake is after years of life guarding it is hard for me not to yell at people, and get cranky when they get too far out and CLEARLY cant swim.

I keep telling Rebecca “I don’t even CARE if that man drowns; I am not saving his ass”

But I would have.

Later that night we walked to uptown and decided it didn’t even matter that we were both all
dirty and smelly from being at the beach all day.

We sat on the patio of Williams bar, and enjoyed the dollar burgers and fifty cent fries, and one fifty pints of beer. (How can you not love a burger fries and a beer for three dollars!)

A band set up in the park across from Williams and we just sat and drank our beers and listened to them jam.

When I came home I discovered my landlord had set the sprinkler on the sidewalk to water the grass.

I ran through it to get to the porch, and then decided it was so much fun that I sat down my bag, kicked off my shoes, and ran through it again and again.

Why don’t more adults play in the sprinklers?

Then today I got up and walked to my favorite coffee shop and checked my email and finished my book.

Then I went to the store, bought brats and chips, and headed over to Kathy and Tim’s for a barbeque.

I love Tim and Kathy. They are two of my very favorite people. I met them almost seven years ago, and they have been my best friends ever since. I was maid of honor at their wedding. It has been so fun to watch them transition from singles, to dating, to married, and now to parenthood.

When I am hanging out with them it is like coming home.

I was so nice just to sit in the sun and eat brats and drink beer and laugh and enjoy them.

I didn’t even mind that everyone else who came was married, and most of them had children. It amazes me that almost all my friends are married.

I am starting to think I may be a late bloomer.

On the flip side I have been engaged more times than most people, so it isn’t like I haven’t had possibilities. I am just picky.

Speaking of picky, (I love Kim) after the barbeque I met Kim at the mall and we went to DSW to try to find me some new running shoes.

I signed up with a class that meets and runs every Monday Night for 10 weeks to get you ready for a 5k.

It cost fifty dollars, but I figured it would be great motivation and accountability…
PLUS you have to buy new shoes!

How have I not been a runner all my life… I mean the only equipment needed is SHOES!

I couldn’t decide on what shoes to buy, so we went and got dinner and rented a movie instead.

It was nice to just to sit in the air conditioner.

Plus I have to be nice to Kim, because one day she promises to give me a laptop so I can finish (and start if you want to be technical) my book. A chick lit book. Which will be highly entertaining and make me a ton of money.

And it will be about me (because it all comes back to me really). And it will be true, except the parts I make up and exaggerate.

And now Kim (or Kimwanda as I will refer to her secretly in my book) is done.

So I simply must be going!

TALLY HO!

(Hee.)

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was mad this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

~Sara Groves Maybe There’s A Loving God

Last night that song was running over and over in my head…

I went out with four girlfriends to celebrate my friend Rebeccas birthday.

I got dressed in my new sundress

and threw on some flipflops and put my hair in a ponytail put on my oversized sunglasses and headed out the door with no flair and no purse. There is something about wearing a sundress and flip flops that makes you feel beautiful and feminine and lovely without any effort. I love being a girl.

We met at French Meadow and sat outside on the patio where we traded secrets and laughter and smiles over a bottle of good red wine and some salad and cheesecake.

We were planning on going to Mels Beauty Bar after dinner, but it was so beautiful out and we were having such a good time talking that we decided to have a small bonfire instead.

Rebecca and Miranda went and got Rebeccas guitar and then started the fire and Amanda and I went to my house and picked up my snowcone maker and then went to the liquor store and bought mixings for “big girl slushies”

We all met back at the house and I went inside and made everyone drinks and then came outside and joined the group around the fire.

We talked about love, and loss, and God… and we sang as Miranda played the guitar. It was an amazing mix of serious and silly. (We sang some worship songs, and we also made up songs to God like “Oh where is my husband, oh where is my husband, oh where, where, oh where, oh where oh where, is my husband.” Hee.)

We all talked about why we loved Rebecca and how she has blessed our lives with her compassion, her heart for God, her playfulness, and her friendship.

We went through a pitcher and a half of big girl slushie.

After the fire had died down the four of us kicked off our sandles and laid on an old quilt on our backs and looked up at the stars and the trees and the moving clouds and we prayed together.

It was one of thoes moments where you really feel connected to eachother, and stronger because of each other. It was one of thoes moments where you felt friendship and sisterhood and love so deep and so true and so real it almost took your breath away.

It was one of thoes moments where the spirit of God is so strong and so real you feel like you can reach out and touch it and wrap it around you and never ever let it go.

It was one of thoes moments where everything around you feels so big, and God seems so big and so real, and you seem so small.

And you cant help but think He made the universe and everything in it.

He knows the number of stars in the sky and yet He knows your name.

He had a plan for you even before you were born. He knows everything about you, and he loves you.

And that amazes me.

I came home last night so thankful for good times, and for good friendships, but above all thankful for such a good God.

When I was in high school I had my own column in the local paper.

It was a “students view” of what was happening in our town.

Our town LOVED football. They still do. Its like Varsity Blues or something.

My parents went to almost every home game for eight years.

They have the tee shirts, and the sweat shirts, and the jackets.

All of my sisters and I had varsity jackets. We wore blue and gold ribbions in our hair and the boys jerseys to games. We painted paw prints on our faces. We had SPIRIT.

We were PROUD of the home team.

One of my most “famous” articles was about my last highschool home game. After I wrote it grown men came up to me with tears in their eyes and told me that the loved it, that they saved it, that it reminded them of their “glory days”

I was 18. And completely overdramtic, but I had a passion to write and passion for my town and passion for the game.

So here it is….

On Friday I stood on the football field with my eyes closed tightly. Perhaps I was trying to capture the moment, or perhaps I knew if I opened my eyes the tears I felt would soon overflow. I felt as if by closing my eyes, I could immortalize every detail of the night in time. I would remember the crisp autumn air, the full moon, the starry sky, and the thrill of a close game.

It was the last time the class of 1997 would play at home, and I felt a bit nostalgic as I stood on the field.

Over the past four years I have been to countless football games, but it is only now that I truly appreciate what I had. I have come to respect and admire the boys who dedicate so much to our school. I have watched them experience triumph and sorrow on the field, and I have seen them grow because of it.

I have enjoyed watching Coach Rowley. I know he feels every glorious moment of victory and every agonizing moment of defeat along side his athletes. I see it in his face. I have enjoyed the fans, the cheerleaders, the band, and the spirit of the game. I have enjoyed the things you can always count on seeing, like Blue and Gold in the stands and Coach Rowley’s bright yellow pants. I know I will come here many more times in my life, but it will never mean what it does now.

I felt it, and so did many of my friends around me. It was obvious in each of their faces.

It was also obvious in the eyes of the senior athletes. As the boys walked off the field there were tears in their eyes. The field was a place where dreams were made and broken. It was a place where boys became men, and destines were fulfilled. It is the place where their memories will linger on long after they are gone.

As the night drew to a close I reached down and took a small handful of grass off the field. I held it in my hand, taking a piece of the past with me. I looked around at the individuals I had spent the past four years with, and I realized no matter how far we are from one another, we are always united in our history. The class of 1997 held on to each other for a moment, finding comfort in shared experiences.

Then we turned and left the field the same way we entered…together.

Ok so it is cheesy.

Especially the “It was a place where boys became men, and destines were fulfilled” line.

But I meant it at the time.

And the truth is I still mean it.

I loved my high school.

I loved my friends.

I loved going to the games.

And even now, nine years later, that article takes me back to that autumn night… when I believed anything was possible.

And it is true… that no matter how far we go, we ARE always united in our memories.

(go wildcats)

Introspection can be dangerous…

In the movie Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind the main characters undergo a procedure to erase their memories.

They feel like life would be less complicated if they didn’t have to deal with the consequence of love and loss.

And today I am wondering if given the opportunity, I would erase my memories of the past year.

I am feeling overwhelmed and I am feeling terribly sad today.

Last night I called my parents and my sister crying.

On June 8th it will be one year since Matt attacked me.

In so many ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

And then something happens and I am right back in that space.

And I hate that space.

Yesterday I discovered someone is suing me.

I have no idea who.

All I know is it is a civil suit from Ohio.

And one of my friends suggested it could be Matt.

He said it would be a good way to try to find me.

And it set me in a tailspin.

Chances are that isn’t true at all.

But the thought of him coming here, of him finding me, of seeing him again terrifies me.

It’s an overwhelming fear.

I hate that space.

I hate that I am still afraid of him.

I hate that he still has that power over me.

I hate that I feel like no matter how hard I try I am not changing, and not healing.

I hate that I want someone to love me, to protect me, to fight for me.

I hate that I want someone to wrap their arms around me and remind me that I am safe, and kindly kill my fears as well.

I hate that I want someone to exorcise and slay the demons one by one.

I hate that no one can.

I hate that this is a journey I have to take by myself.

And I hate that it’s lonely.

And I hate that it’s hard.

I spent much of yesterday thinking about the past year, and how far I have come, and how far I still have to go.

How can you pick up the shattered pieces of your heart and hold them in your hand and ever be the same?

You can’t.

It’s funny to me how life changes so suddenly… how one moment, one night, one knock at the door and everything you knew changes.

You are forever changed.

But how?

How do you gauge the healing of your heart?

How do you remember what you were a lifetime ago?

For so long Matt told me that I was hard to love, and unlovable, and hard to put up with.

He hated my craziness, my spontaneity, my sarcasm, my teasing, and my flirtiness.

He always wanted me to be so different than I was.

And so I tried to change for him… and I started to lose who I really was.

And now I am afraid I will never find her. And I won’t recognize her when I do.

And so I wonder…

Who am I? Am I healing? Am I different? How am I different? How am I any further along than I was a year ago? Am I stronger? Am I wiser?

Because I can the handle the memories, I can handle the loneliness, I can even handle the fear… but I can’t handle knowing that it was all for nothing. I need to know I have changed.

I smell like chlorine. It seems like it doesn’t matter how much I shower, after 15 years of teaching lessons and swimming, the smell has just settled in my skin. When I get wet it smells like chlorine. Lick me, you’ll smell the pool. I got up and swam with Susie early this morning. I love waking up super early and going to the gym. I loving feeling that by 8 am I have already accomplished something. I love how relaxing it is as my muscles stretch with each stoke. I love how water surrounds you and protects you and how easy it is to get lost in your own world while you swim. After we swam I showered and through on a dress and some sandals and went into work. But a coworker walked by and said “Does it smell like the pool in here?” Heh. That would be me.

__________________________________________________________________________________

As I was typing this Tim the FedEx man came by. It’s been all awkward since I told him I didn’t want to go out. I am sure most of that is me, but some of it is him. Because he always reminds me that if I change my mind he would love to take me out. And today he said “you could be my baby” It was hard not to laugh in his face. Because I can be a bitch. And because that is a HORRID pickup line. No wonder the man is still single.

__________________________________________________________________________________

There are a lot of homeless men out these days. Susie and I drove by one last night that had a big sign that said “trapped in the land of oz, please help”. It was on a piece of white card board and drawn in four different colors of markers. I don’t get it. And once again maybe it’s because I can be a bitch, but HELLO. If you are resourceful enough to find clean white cardboard and FOUR different colors of markers you are resourceful enough to walk your ass to the YMCA homeless shelter where they will FEED you and help you find a JOB. Be a man. I don’t feel sorry for you and you can’t have a dollar.

__________________________________________________________________________________

My trip to the science museum with Greg got canceled on Sunday. Stupid mother’s day. But he just walked by my desk and asked if we could reschedule for Saturday. YAY! I am totally going to go see dead bodies this weekend!

__________________________________________________________________________________

Who decided that leggings should be back in style? Seriously. I walked by forever 21 and apparently styles haven’t changed since I was in middle school. The 80’s are back. Why? They weren’t that cute the first time around. And trust me I was all about the leggings and the short skirts back in the day. I loved them. But I also loved pegged pants and banana clips and sticky pink lip gloss (ok so I still love the lip gloss). It doesn’t mean they should be relived. (Ironically as I was typing this Irene Caras What a feeling started playing on my media player. Heh)

__________________________________________________________________________________

I want these shoes SO BAD.

I saw them online today. 90 dollars though. Holy Buckets. But they are awesome.

I forgot! I wanted to post the kick ass mothers day card Kim and I got for Kathy. It was technically Kathys first mothers day, she is due in the beginning of Aug. YAY for baby Lucy!

Kathy reminded me about this card on her blog .

hee. we are so funny

*edited to fix grammer*

On Friday I went out with some friends after work.
I started drinking at 5:15. I was in bed by 10:15.
They call them Zombies for a reason.
And even if you are at casual cocktail Friday and other people are buying, consuming more than one Zombie an hour is NOT a good idea.
Also, calling everyone you know after you have drunk them may or may not be the wisest idea ever.
(But YAY for me that I didn’t call a single ex!)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
On Saturday I enjoyed a chick day.
I went to the mall (where I got a freaking EIGHTY dollar gift certificate for trying on jeans at old navy and telling them what I thought. I got PAID TO SHOP. Hello died and gone to heaven)
Then I met Kim and Kathy for lunch.
Then Kathy and I went and got pedicures.
There is nothing like a pedicure to make you feel beautiful and girlie and pampered.
And after our pedicures we went and bought new open toes high heels.
My toes are SO cute. Seriously. If I had a camera I would take a picture. They are pink with a white flower hand painted on them and they look SO cute in my new white shoes.
Why is usually Asian ladies who work at nail places?
Seriously. Have you ever wondered that?
After our pedicures watched a movie and then met Ann for pancakes for dinner.
They were the worst pancakes EVER.
I didn’t even know pancakes could be bad.
But they were the most vile tasteless pancakes ever made in the history of the Americas.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
On Sunday I got up early and went to the gym and ran on the treadmill.
I love the feeling when you are sweaty and have pushed your body hard. It makes you feel alive and strong and beautiful. After I ran I went tanning, and then caught the light rail to the mall.
Why do men hit on woman on the bus and light rail? What is about me that says… “Man I would love to date someone who takes public transportation”
And why do men hit on you when you have just ran on the treadmill for an hour and sweated like a pig and haven’t showered and now you are stinky and have no makeup on and wearing yoga pants and a yoga jacket.
Because if you hit on me when I look/smell like that I won’t date you just because you have bad taste.
Seriously. Have some standards.
I went to the mall and then met Sally for lunch at subway.
Then I came home and showered and took Susie out for Tai food for mother’s day.
While we were at the restaurant Rebecca called and said her boyfriend had broken up with her.
So we finished dinner, went and bought some chocolate, and headed over for post traumatic breakup duty.
*This is where I rant*
Can someone PLEASE explain to me why Christian men with a good heads on their shoulders become idiots when it comes to relationships?
And someone explain to me why they think “its not you, it’s me” or “I just have this FEELING” or “God said” is EVER a good breakup line?
I don’t understand how a man can say “I am attracted to you, we have the same goals, we have the same vision, and you are one of my best friends” but I just FEEL like we shouldn’t be together.
Stupid “god card”
It makes no sense.
Don’t you think, as Christians, we super spiritualize things?
And maybe it’s just because I didn’t grow up “in the church” but I honestly don’t get how everything can be right and yet they “feel” something is wrong and that’s what they go with.
Didn’t they “feel” like everything was sunshiny last week?
It makes me cranky.
It makes me crazy.
*End rant*
We told a story about Susie’s daughter. Who is amazing and beautiful and articulate and inquisitive? Sometimes too articulate and inquisitive. While shopping at the grocery store Susie and her daughter ran into a woman with a beard and a mustache. The daughter turned to her mom and said “Is that a woman or a man? It looks like a lady, but she has hair on her face” My friend didn’t answer so she asked again louder. “Is that a lady with a beard?”
Hee. We may be single… but at least we arent hairy.
(And we have GREAT toes)
So we hung out and had girl talk and cried a little and laughed a lot and prayed together…
I called a friend on the way home, which made me smile and laugh and stay up way later than I wanted. But it was worth it.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So that is my weekend. Full of girliness and drama. It was perfect. And completely exhausting

Hasn’t stopped raining for days….

(Seriously. Did I move to Seattle and not know it?)

It was so hard to get out of bed this morning.

I stayed on the phone entirely too late (although I did totally WIN) and when my alarm went off at 5 am I decided I didn’t REALLY want to go to the gym, reset my alarm for 6:45.

What FELT like a minute later my alarm went off again.

It was freezing in my room, and raining outside, and my bed was so comfortable and my feather comforter was so warm and it was such perfect sleeping weather that I considered staying in bed, quitting my job, going on welfare, and living off the government.

But then I remembered I was a Republican so I got up.

I was running late, I could only find one of the shoes I wanted, and I stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara.

And then I remembered that I left my umbrella in my friend’s car last night.

I grabbed my purse and my pink raincoat (that doesn’t have a hood, shouldn’t raincoats have hoods?) and ran out the door.

I decided I didn’t want to walk the 10 blocks to work in the rain, but I saw the bus coming, so I took off my high heels and ran barefoot through puddles to get to the bus stop.

And I loved it!

I love playing in the rain. I love going barefoot. I love the moments in life when we let go of inhibition and act like children and just enjoy ourselves.

So now I am at work, my hair is messy and wet, I had mascara running down my face, and I am freezing.

But I think its going to be an amazing day…

Saturday was beautiful here.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the smell of fresh cut lawns and new flowers filled the air.

It was perfect.

I threw on my favorite pair of jeans with a hole in the knee, a tank top, flip flops, and grabbed a sweater. I put my hair on top of my head in a messy ponytail and put on my oversized sunglasses that I love and everybody else hates.

I was relaxed and comfortable and in a great mood.

I grabbed the book I was reading and headed downtown.

I love the walk to downtown.

I love the way the sun reflects in the skyscrapers and the taxis and all the people milling about.

I walked to the heart of downtown and sat on the patio of one of favorite restaurants.

I ordered a glass of wine and some soup and opened my book.

A shadow fell across the pages and I looked up to see a man smiling at me.

He asks if he can sit at my table… and I look around and see ten empty tables… but agree.

He sits down, orders and dirty martini and another glass of wine for me, which I find interesting and amusing.

So I asked him if he is in the habit of sitting at tables with girls he doesn’t know.

He replied “no… But it is such a beautiful day, and I really liked the song they were playing overhead, and you were such a beautiful girl that I couldn’t help myself”

Shut up! Who says things like that? But he called me beautiful and I am in ripped jeans and ponytail and flip flops, so I let him stay.

He was carrying a shopping bag from Barnes and Noble and I asked him what he bought.

He pulled out children’s books and said he was shopping for his God daughter.

He said he owned a construction company, and he was the baby of six kids, and he grew up in the city.

We make small talk and he asks me if I want to go out sometime.

I said maybe.

So he gives me his card and says “Here is my number… no pressure. If you want we can go to church tomorrow and then have lunch. You call me if that sounds like something you want to do”

And then he pays for our drinks and leaves.

Shut up! Who does this happen to? It was like a scene out of a movie.

I debated all night on calling him and finally called him at 10:30 and agreed to meet him at church the next morning.

I had a really nice time. He was sweet, and handsome, and charming.

And after lunch he asked if we could go out again… and I said I didn’t think so.

Maybe I am crazy! This man is amazing and sweet and professes to love God.

But I know I am a mess. And I know I just got out of a relationship that my heart is still in and I am not really over. And I am still hurt, and angry.

And I don’t have a lot to give.

Even to a man who sits at my table and buys me drinks and tells me I am beautiful and invites me to church as a first date.

The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing… right?

(This blog may need to be renamed sexless in the city… I promise I have more to talk about than my love life or lack there of)