Life As an Afterschool Special

(I am so writing TWICE in one day!)

After much prayer and thought I have discovered I don’t actually want to date.

I want to be wanted.

I want to be pursued.

I want a man to be crazy about me and attracted to me and desire me.

But I don’t actually want to date anybody.

At least not right now.

My motives are all wrong.

My heart is all wrong.

And I am still afraid.

And I still have healing to do.

And that’s ok.

It’s ok to wait.

It’s ok to see what God has in store.

It’s ok to wait for God to change my heart.

It’s ok to guard my heart in the process.

I thought I was being independent.

I was being selfish… and shallow.

And that isn’t who I want to be.

And I have been nervous and conflicted about how to deal with the men in my life that I agreed to go on a date with.

I saw the Fed Ex man today.

And I took a deep breath and told him that I thought he was very very nice. But the truth was my heart wasn’t fully available. And I did not want and was not ready for a relationship or the pressure of dating.

And he said ok, that he thought I was beautiful and sweet and funny, and that I could call him if I ever changed my mind.

That wasn’t so awful at all.

I am not saying that dating is wrong… or I will never date again.

But right now, at this moment, I just need to learn to be me.

I need to learn to love me so someone else can love me as well.

And I feel…. relief.

And I feel like that was a huge step for me.

It is a big deal to me to evaluate me needs and my motives and to give myself permission to change my mind.

So it’s a little step… but it’s a step.