Within Without
Introspection can be dangerous…
In the movie Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind the main characters undergo a procedure to erase their memories.
They feel like life would be less complicated if they didn’t have to deal with the consequence of love and loss.
And today I am wondering if given the opportunity, I would erase my memories of the past year.
I am feeling overwhelmed and I am feeling terribly sad today.
Last night I called my parents and my sister crying.
On June 8th it will be one year since Matt attacked me.
In so many ways it feels like a lifetime ago.
And then something happens and I am right back in that space.
And I hate that space.
Yesterday I discovered someone is suing me.
I have no idea who.
All I know is it is a civil suit from Ohio.
And one of my friends suggested it could be Matt.
He said it would be a good way to try to find me.
And it set me in a tailspin.
Chances are that isn’t true at all.
But the thought of him coming here, of him finding me, of seeing him again terrifies me.
It’s an overwhelming fear.
I hate that space.
I hate that I am still afraid of him.
I hate that he still has that power over me.
I hate that I feel like no matter how hard I try I am not changing, and not healing.
I hate that I want someone to love me, to protect me, to fight for me.
I hate that I want someone to wrap their arms around me and remind me that I am safe, and kindly kill my fears as well.
I hate that I want someone to exorcise and slay the demons one by one.
I hate that no one can.
I hate that this is a journey I have to take by myself.
And I hate that it’s lonely.
And I hate that it’s hard.
I spent much of yesterday thinking about the past year, and how far I have come, and how far I still have to go.
How can you pick up the shattered pieces of your heart and hold them in your hand and ever be the same?
You can’t.
It’s funny to me how life changes so suddenly… how one moment, one night, one knock at the door and everything you knew changes.
You are forever changed.
But how?
How do you gauge the healing of your heart?
How do you remember what you were a lifetime ago?
For so long Matt told me that I was hard to love, and unlovable, and hard to put up with.
He hated my craziness, my spontaneity, my sarcasm, my teasing, and my flirtiness.
He always wanted me to be so different than I was.
And so I tried to change for him… and I started to lose who I really was.
And now I am afraid I will never find her. And I won’t recognize her when I do.
And so I wonder…
Who am I? Am I healing? Am I different? How am I different? How am I any further along than I was a year ago? Am I stronger? Am I wiser?
Because I can the handle the memories, I can handle the loneliness, I can even handle the fear… but I can’t handle knowing that it was all for nothing. I need to know I have changed.
