Life As an Afterschool Special

You said “Ask and you will receive”
Whatever you need
You Said “Pray and I’ll hear from heaven and I’ll heal your land”

You said, Your glory will fill the earth like water to seas
You said “Lift up your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near”

You said ask and I’ll give the nations to you
Oh Lord, thats the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see your light
as it rises on us

We sang that at the Rock last night.

I love that song.

I have so many good memories attached to it. The first time I heard it was when I came back to Minneapolis for the Rock Retreat the first year after I moved to Ohio. The song struck a huge cord in me and I went back to Ohio, bought the CD and played it for Amy and Erica. We played it over and over and it became an anthem for ministry in the bottoms. Then we went on a mission trip to the Philippines and the worship band played it there. It just confirmed how no matter where we are in life we are all united in our vision and love of God.

I have been thinking a lot about that lately.

I went home last weekend for the first time in almost a year.

It was so good to see my family, to see old friends, to be surrounded by people who love me and care about me. Just to spend time in the arms of people I love, and see their face light up, and be able to hold my new nephew was such a blessing to me.

It was also very very hard to be in a place where memories are still so strong and fear is so real and in so many ways danger is still literally just around the corner.

The first night I slept in my old house with my sister I couldn’t sleep, so I went down to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

And as I stood in the room that was once so familiar memories came flooding back. Happy memories of times with friends and my sister baking and laughing and entertain. And then the horrible memories of Matt and what he did in the room.

And I sat on the floor by myself in the dark and cried. Angry sad tears for what I had and what I lost and surprisingly, grateful happy tears for what I am regaining.

There is more to tell about the weekend, and about Matt, but I don’t have the time or emotional energy to get into it all right now.

But I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head that I needed to sit down and write some of them out, and make them black and white.

What amazed me most about my trip home why the kids. To see the faces of the kids I invested so much time and energy in when I did ministry with youth for Christ gave me such great joy and broke my heart all at the same time.

I miss the passion I had. I miss the joy that comes with giving your life and time so fully. My sister, Amy, and I had moved to the bottoms to be a light. To be a safe place for the kids and the women that were lost and broken and hurting. And it was so hard and it was complicated and at the end of the day so completely worth it.

I wrote so many “horror” stories on my blog about the kids and life in bottoms, but I loved it.

Because it mattered. It made a difference.

And I miss that. I know I needed to take time off ministry to heal, and to grow, and to be more real so I can be better used… but in so many ways I have grown complacent and selfish. I stopped looking at the world around me and the brokenness and the need and started to only look inward and even upward, but almost never outward.

And I know that God comforts us so we can comfort other people. I know calls us to lay down our lives and serve him. And I am so much happier when I am being used. Being home reminded of that.

So how do I find the balance? How do I take the time I know I need to heal and to grow and still serve, still love, still make a difference?

Any ideas?