Life As an Afterschool Special

It’s been a hard year
But I’m climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it’s

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I know you’re here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands,
a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like
Character

Sara Groves

I relate my emotions to music. I think that it’s hard for me to be honest about how I feel a lot of the time… but I can listen to a song and yes… thats it… that is exactly what I want to say.

My friend Susan once sent me a series of mixed cds she called Beauty in the Breakdown… I have listened to them so many times some of them no longer play… They cover the stages of grief, and are wonderfully sad and heartbreaking and encouraging and uplifting.

One of the songs I tend to play over and over is Less like Scars by Sara Groves. I am not sure if it is an example of where I am or where I want to be…

But I am changing…

I don’t know when it happened…

But it is happening.

There is strength in me that I never knew existed. There is a peace that transcends understanding. There is calm below every storm.

I am not at all where I want to be… but I am walking, running, crawling in the direction I want to go.

The truth is I am tired. I am so so so tired. I am tired of looking for love and fulfillment in things that leave me broken and empty and lost. I am tired of lying to myself and to others about what I think and how I feel. I am tired of the fear of rejection and living for the approval of others. Because they fail you. They fall short. You fall short.

I am tired of falling and I am tired of struggling and I am tired of fighting.

But the difference is I continue to fight. The difference is I continue to believe in goodness and truth and happiness and love and faith, not as childish dreams that may or may not be real but as promises from a loving and good God.

And the biggest change is I truly know that all of today’s struggles are temporary compared to the greater joy that comes when we have perservered.

There is always something better.

There is always hope.

I sat down to type out my feelings and expected to write something dark, and brooding, and melancholy. But as I sat here and thought about my circumstances and my life, instead of feeling hopeless I felt hope. Instead of feeling overwhelmed I felt grateful to know there was a God who loved me and protected me and carried me through every trial and tribulation. And who would carry me through this.

It’s been a hard year… but I’m climbing out of the rubble.

I am changing…