Life As an Afterschool Special

Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun.
Oh,girls, They wanna have fun.
Oh,girls, Just wanna have
That’s all they really want…..
Some fun….

When the working day is done,
Oh,girls,They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls, Just wanna have fun…

Cindy Lauper

(I have been behaving so Jamie Stories have been few and far between)

(but since you asked for it… finally a real post)

(sort of)

*read in valley girl speak*

Oh my God! I had, like, the most totally radical night EVER, for sure, for sure! I mean it was like, so totally gnarly!

It was my friend Mirandas birthday, and like, we totally wanted to do something fun, right. Right! So we totally dressed up in our most bitchin 80’s ‘fits and went down to SHOUT a dueling piano bar downtown for their 80’s night. And there is no cover if you wear a bodacious 80’s outfit, so we totally got in for free! Isnt that the best! To say the least! For sure, for sure!

I wore this like, totally adoreable outfit with my most cute leggins and a skirt. And of course I had this like, totally amazing side ponytail and huge plastic hoop earrings. And the other girls had on cut off sweatshirt that looked just like flashdance! (what a feeling) But Miranda like, totally outdid us. She had on these legwarmers that were totally the bomb. As if! But it was, like, her birthday so I was just like, whatever!

When we got to Shout it was totally a drag at first, but then the music was so total tubular and the drinks were so totally cheap (a dollar for bush lite taps or vodka and redbulls, and two dollars for captian and cokes or pop rocks and capri sun shots) that soon people were like, crazy!

The girls and I were dancing in the streets!

And on the stage!

and on the panio!

But really I was like, so totally behaved (as far as behaving goes) and only drank dollar beers. And I only bought three (free ones dont cont) And pretty soon its was like this huge … wedding reception or something. I mean people just laughing and drinking and dancing and singing really loud with strangers.

There was this like, totally cutealicuos clydesdale that wanted to be my boy toy. And we were like dancing to some serious Bon Jovi and he kissed me. GRODY! It wasnt like, a good kiss it was more like he smashed his drunk face into my lips. On purpose. I mean , I dont even KNOW him, for sure, for sure. And I am so not a bimbette. I was all like “ewww” and my friends were all like “ewwww” and then they totally rescued me. What a dweeb-o-rama! That is so lame!

And I totally turned on him and was like “Dude! Gag me with a credit card and stick me back in layway! That Ninja turtle needs to go back in his half shell for sure for sure!”

Some men just need to learn to save their joystick for their atari.

Anyways…

The night was a BLAST and I was so stoked by all the songs they were playing… I mean some of my favorite songs from my favorite artists. It was like, so tototally totally wicked man!

from Vanilla Ice (Ice Ice Baby)and New Kids on the Block (Hanging Tough)

to Journey (Lovin Touchin Squeezin) and Queen (fat bottom girls. one of the best songs EVER) and AC/DC (you shook me all night long)

and Billy Joel (who is one of my all time favorites) (uptown girl) and Micheal Jackson (Beat it)and John Melencamp (Jack and Diane)and Soft Cell. (Tainted Love) and Pat Benatar (hit me with your best shot)

They even played Sweet Child of Mine (my favorite song EVER) and Paradise City by my BOYFRIEND Axel Rose (he is such a choice peice of meat)

By the end of the night we were out.of.control. I have never ever ever had that much fun in a bar ever. It was like… the best night EVER! for SURE! We may have gotten a little crazy like but girls, they wanna have fun (they just wanna)

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Tryin’ on a brand new dress
But you haven’t worn the old one yet
You’ve come too far
To turn around now

You’ve given up the good fight
You’re as strong as anyone
You’re back where you started from
I see you’re back where you started from

Starin’ down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just being where you are
There’s nothin’ you can do
If you’re too scared to try

Drag your pretty head around
Swearin’ you’re gonna drown
With a beautiful sigh
And a river of lies

Why don’t you call me, I could save you
Together we’ll find a God we can pray to
That’ll take you by the hand

I hate to see a friend of mine
Laughing out loud
When she’s crying inside
But you’ve got your pride

You’re starin’ down the stars
Stay where you are
You’re jealous of the moon
But there’s nothing you can do
If you’re too scared to try

Nickle Creek ~ Jealous of the Moon

(the family is SO SO CUTE. The baby is SO SO CUTE. Kathys nightgown… not so much. tee hee. jerks forever!)

It amazing watching people you love meet and fall in love and get married and start a family. I met Tim and Kathy Grunditz almost 7 years ago when the Rock first began. We were young and passionate and just learning what it meant to be an adult and to be a follower of God.

They have always always been good to me, and when my life was crashing last year it was them I called in tears and it was them who flew me home and let me stay at their house while I found stable ground again. They are my safe place and my my best friends.

We have been through alot together. I have watched and cheered as they found eachother, went through trails and heartache of letting go and learning to love, as they grew as a couple and as individuals. I comforted them when they broke up and believed that somehow they would find their way back together. And when they did, I stood beside them as the Maid of Honor at their wedding. I have watched them grow into their marriage and watched them prepare for parenthood the past year.

They are amazing amazing friends, and I know they will be amazing parents.

I am so so so happy for you both, I love you and I cant wait to meet Lucy tonight!

Happy Birthday lulu! Welcome to the world!

You’re dangerous ’cause you’re honest
You’re dangerous, you don’t know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You’re an accident waiting to happen
You’re a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you’re not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

U2 Who’s Gonna Ride You’re Wild Horses

My friend recently said that he didnt think that I knew what I wanted. I have laid in bed the past few nights contemplating what he said, and today I spent most of my session with my pay a friend talking through it.

The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I have really honestly stopped to question what I want and also the first time anyone has ever confronted me on the fact that I might not know.

I usually know what I don’t want. But my friend reminded me that knowing what I don’t want is not the same as knowing what I want. And in many ways I have lived a lot of my life focusing on what I don’t want.

And the more I think about it, living a life based on what you don’t want is actually living a life of fear. Its about control. Because its easier to walk away from something you don’t want than let go of control and walk towards something you do.

Especially when you have to let down your guard and trust someone else to provide you with what you want. When what you want is not yours to take but rather someone elses to give.

And the truth is even after you know what you want you usually have to wait for it. And I am not good at that. I am the queen of instant gratification. I see something I want and I buy it. I see someone I like and I take it, and I tease and I pout and I manipulate until its mine.

But I am learning to wait, and I am learning to be honest with myself and others about what I do want.

And that is so so so scary for me.

So what do I want…

I am still not sure… but I have some ideas.

I want to be resonably happy. I want to let go of control. I want to let someone in. I want to learn to trust. I want to be used by God in real and tangible ways.

I want to continue to grow.

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to finish a book.

I want to let go and really fall in love. I want to let someone love me.

What do I want in a husband?

I am still figuring that out… but I know I want to find someone who loves Jesus and has a heart for people and for ministry and who makes me laugh and who I can talk to about anything and who will argue with me and stands up to be and won’t be manipluated.

I want someone who isnt afraid to push me and challenge me and ask me hard questions but is also careful with me and tender with me and knows I have pain and baggage.

I want someone who knows they have their own baggage, and isnt afraid to work on it and admit it.

I want someone I consider a best friend and someone who is passionate and someone who is loyal and someone who has integrity.

I want someone I feel safe with, I want someone who understands me. I want someone who knows that I like to be girlie and dress up and go out and entertain and be around people and that I also love to wear jeans and I don’t usually wear makeup and somedays I just want to stay at home and hang out and watch movies, and I want someone who accepts both sides of me. I want someone I dont have to pretend for. I want someone I dont have to change to make love me.

I want to not be afraid when I think I found him that I might lose him if I don’t control or manipulate the situation.

I want to let go and trust God and His will and His timing, and not cling desperately to something good when I find it.

I want to not be afraid to give him a name and a face.

But I am.

I am terrified of actually finding love and finding a man who is stronger than me and who I respect and who I will let go of control for.

I am terrified of admiting it. I am terrified that he won’t love me back, and even more terrifeid that he will.

I am terrified of being wrong.

And so I think I have to continue to try to be the person I want to be. I have to continue to grow and explore and change.

And I have to wait.

Because sometimes things worth wanting are worth waiting for.

And maybe its good for your soul to invest in something you cant control.

One of my stipulations is that where ever I live should be close to water…

A river, a lake, the ocean, even a pond would do.

Maybe its the midwest grain belt beer drinking girl in me, but I find something so beautiful and calming and comforting about the water.

I grew up on a lake in Michigan and by a river in Ohio, and I have great memories as child swimming with my family and skipping stones with my dad and fishing with my brothers and sisters and hours upon hours of soaking in the sun.

One of my very favorite places on earth is my moms house in Michigan. The lake comes right up to the backyard and there is a weeping willow and a boat house and a fire pit and tons of green and flowers everywhere. Its beautiful, but I dont get a chance to go home to Michigan that often to enjoy it.

Even far from home I have found a place that is my sanctuary once again. I have spent countless hours at the lake the past few weeks, thinking, praying, laughing and crying. Swimming laps and doing handstands and floating on my back just letting the water and the peace that comes with it wash over me. Soaking in the sun and feeling its warmth and allowing it to remind me of a maker who is good and just and loving.

I have also begun taking walks along the Mississippi. I usually bring a bag with my water and my journal and my bible, and I walk until I find a secluded spot.

Lately I have been bringing old worship cds. I found several CDs at the used cd store for 95 cents. They are familar songs that remind me of what it was like when I first fell in love with God, and how far He has brought me, and how hard the journey was but how much stronger I am because of it. I sit by the water and I open up my heart and I pour out and I sing and I worship and I pray and cry and I write until I feel calm and rested and revived.

Today I went for a walk and opened up my bible and found a verse that spoke to my heart, that eased my sorrow and comforted my fears… it reminded me that while the water is my sanctuary, it is the living water that brings me peace.

And he said, “These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore, “they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them,nor any scorching heat.For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

Revelation 7:14-17