Life As an Afterschool Special

You’re dangerous ’cause you’re honest
You’re dangerous, you don’t know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You’re an accident waiting to happen
You’re a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you’re not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

U2 Who’s Gonna Ride You’re Wild Horses

My friend recently said that he didnt think that I knew what I wanted. I have laid in bed the past few nights contemplating what he said, and today I spent most of my session with my pay a friend talking through it.

The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I have really honestly stopped to question what I want and also the first time anyone has ever confronted me on the fact that I might not know.

I usually know what I don’t want. But my friend reminded me that knowing what I don’t want is not the same as knowing what I want. And in many ways I have lived a lot of my life focusing on what I don’t want.

And the more I think about it, living a life based on what you don’t want is actually living a life of fear. Its about control. Because its easier to walk away from something you don’t want than let go of control and walk towards something you do.

Especially when you have to let down your guard and trust someone else to provide you with what you want. When what you want is not yours to take but rather someone elses to give.

And the truth is even after you know what you want you usually have to wait for it. And I am not good at that. I am the queen of instant gratification. I see something I want and I buy it. I see someone I like and I take it, and I tease and I pout and I manipulate until its mine.

But I am learning to wait, and I am learning to be honest with myself and others about what I do want.

And that is so so so scary for me.

So what do I want…

I am still not sure… but I have some ideas.

I want to be resonably happy. I want to let go of control. I want to let someone in. I want to learn to trust. I want to be used by God in real and tangible ways.

I want to continue to grow.

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to finish a book.

I want to let go and really fall in love. I want to let someone love me.

What do I want in a husband?

I am still figuring that out… but I know I want to find someone who loves Jesus and has a heart for people and for ministry and who makes me laugh and who I can talk to about anything and who will argue with me and stands up to be and won’t be manipluated.

I want someone who isnt afraid to push me and challenge me and ask me hard questions but is also careful with me and tender with me and knows I have pain and baggage.

I want someone who knows they have their own baggage, and isnt afraid to work on it and admit it.

I want someone I consider a best friend and someone who is passionate and someone who is loyal and someone who has integrity.

I want someone I feel safe with, I want someone who understands me. I want someone who knows that I like to be girlie and dress up and go out and entertain and be around people and that I also love to wear jeans and I don’t usually wear makeup and somedays I just want to stay at home and hang out and watch movies, and I want someone who accepts both sides of me. I want someone I dont have to pretend for. I want someone I dont have to change to make love me.

I want to not be afraid when I think I found him that I might lose him if I don’t control or manipulate the situation.

I want to let go and trust God and His will and His timing, and not cling desperately to something good when I find it.

I want to not be afraid to give him a name and a face.

But I am.

I am terrified of actually finding love and finding a man who is stronger than me and who I respect and who I will let go of control for.

I am terrified of admiting it. I am terrified that he won’t love me back, and even more terrifeid that he will.

I am terrified of being wrong.

And so I think I have to continue to try to be the person I want to be. I have to continue to grow and explore and change.

And I have to wait.

Because sometimes things worth wanting are worth waiting for.

And maybe its good for your soul to invest in something you cant control.