Life As an Afterschool Special

I shared these opinions as Part 2 because I think they represent how a majority of us view single Christians in both a positive and negative light.

My conclusion is there is not a one size fits all answer. People are complicated beings, and love is messy. We don’t all share the same background or lifestyle, therefore we can’t possibly have the same reasons for why we are single. I am guessing, in diving more more into this topic, we will discover there isn’t a one size fits all answer in how to live out single life either.

All the discussion of singleness has lead me to question my own situation and singleness.

I spent six out of the ten adult years of my life dating and engaged to Matt, and another three dealing with the consequences of that choice. Actually I still deal with the consequence of that choice.

While there have been times that I have worried that I spent the majority of my adult life with a man so clearly wrong for me and in the process of doing so missed my chance at love and marriage, in my heart of hearts I don’t really believe that to be true.

I think I will get married. I think one day there will be a man who knows me and loves me just as I am and yet hopes for me and wants to see me grow into the strong woman of God I can be. While often the lies of men who have hurt me play in my head about how hard I am to love and about everything wrong that I do and am, I am learning to hold to the truth.

And (this is where I may sound vain) I know men like me. I date. More then I should at times. But I know some men find me cute, and fun, and sweet. I know I am fiercely loyal and supportive and encouraging. Because of those things and more I think I will make an amazing wife one day, and I think the spiritual gifts I have along with my experience will allow me to become a good “helpmate”. I think God created me like and for that. I think I greatly desire to be a wife and a mother, and I believe that God placed that want on my heart and He is good and faithful.

So why am I 28 and still single if I am so amazing? (I know, I ask myself that all the time. Heh.)

I think my friends had amazing answers to these questions… my answers:

The first answer is because of Gods timing. I agree with Lydia. He is shaping me and molding me to the woman I know He wants me to be. I have experienced a lot of pain and heartache, and I do have issues and baggage that will take many years to overcome, but I am overcoming. I am growing and running the race. Slowly at times, and sometimes my run is more of a crawl, but I am learning through my successes and failures. I am becoming a woman of substance and a woman of courage and a woman of strength and faith. My walk is more real now than it ever was, and I know I can face almost anything.

So I am still single because I am still in a place where I am becoming “me” and because of God timing. I am also still single because between the ages of 18 and 24 I dated the same man, and between 24 and 27 had to run from him. And that is honestly the time when everyone around me was falling in love with people from college and church and such and getting married.

The truth is Jeff and Hannah are right. The dating pool has shrunk. There are a lot less people out there who are looking then there was when I was 18. And a lot fewer places to find someone. I have been at the same church for 8 years, I don’t go to college anymore… where do I find fun attractive single men with good taste in music who love Jesus?

Also… I am picky. I have been really really really hurt. And betrayed in some of the worst ways you can be by someone you love. And even though at times I may seem like an open book, those who know me well know it takes me a long long long time to trust. I stay surfacy for way longer than I should because I am afraid of people knowing the real me and getting hurt. So I stay shallow and silly and fun and flirty and guard my heart and dont let people really in (even though some may think they are). So in that regard Steve is right. I am single because I am broken, and I don’t trust.

And while I am being honest, I will admit I have only been seriously interested and “dating” (not to be confused with going on dates) four men since I was 18. And Matt was one of them, and two of them were long distance. So if I am honest, while I have lots of experience flirting and going on dates, I am actually kind of new when it comes to having good healthy long lasting relationships. In some way I kind of suck at it.

So there you have it. I am amazing, but I am single for all those reasons and more.

And I am ok with it. Usually. I want to get married. I think I will get married. Sometimes I worry because I know loving me wont always be easy, but I really do think I am a good catch and worth fighting for.

So that is WHY I think I am single… now… How to live it out becomes the issue.

As a Christian single can you “date”? And if you do what are the physical boundaries? Where are you supposed to find these single people? What are you supposed to look for? What is appropriate single relationships look like?

Because what Sex in the City tell you you are supposed to look like and what I Kissed Dating Goodbye tell you are polar opposites.

And I find myself in the Grey middle.

I have been thinking about this topic for a while but for now I will make this a small blog series while I formulate my thoughts… please let me know what you think and your opinions and ideas…

PART ONE

My roommate and I have a secret addiction to Sex in the City. We own the DVDs and watch episodes when they come on TV. We uses “City-isms” in referring to men. When in a discussion about men you can often hear us saying “He is so your Big” and “He is a turtle. Total fixer upper” Krista is a Charlotte and I am Carrie. We mesh well. The series makes us laugh and cry and think and feel good about being strong and being single.

The truth is, series or not, I actually like being single. It may be my commitment phobia talking or my terrible past experience, but at this moment I truly enjoy being single in the city. I am city girl.

I love my overly girly duplex. I love that I have a Marilyn Monroe picture and sewing bust with a vintage dress on it in my living room. I love that we used pinks and oranges and deep reds to decorate the house, and my books and DVDs are arranged by color because that’s what I think looks the best. (It tends to drive men and some woman crazy) I love that I am short bus ride from downtown, and across the street from my favorite restaurants.

I love getting together with girlfriends and having a cocktail and seeing a band and dancing and getting home at whatever time I chose. I like buying shoes and furniture without having to worry about how my shopping affects someone else’s budget. I like being home alone and curling up in my favorite chair with a good book and not having to entertain anyone. I like dancing around my room in my underwear and taking as long as I like to get ready. I like takeout for one and leftovers, and eating spaghetti o’s right out of the can for dinner, and a fridge that has ice cream, wine, and pickles in it.

I like that there are opportunities out there. I like that men pursue me. I like that I don’t have to make any choices and fall in love with the next man who chases me, but I have the ability to. I like that I can decide what I need, and what is healthiest for me. I like dating. I like being wooed. I like the thrill of romance and even the heartbreak that comes with failed attempts. I like that I have great girlfriends and a great roommate to come home and talk and process with.

I like all the thing that make my life very Sex in The City. I like the shoes and the bars and the girlfriends and the dating and the coffee shops and the dancing.

But I am missing one thing in my Sex in the City lifestyle…

The Sex.

(Y’all didn’t think I was going to go there did you?)

I don’t have sex. The truth is, I don’t even kiss. I haven’t really kissed in over three years and I haven’t had sex in much much much longer.

And I have been thinking about how hard it can be to be 28 and a single christian girl in a sex in the city world.

You can begin to feel as if your only three options are marriage, promiscuity, or becoming the “cat lady”. You know what I am talking about. No one wants to be the lady who locks herself in her house and knits sweaters for her cats and has terrible taste in clothes and reads romance novels and dreams of being kidnapped by a pirate who looks like Fabio. (It is much better if the dreams involve a Johnny Depp Pirate. Then it is acceptable.)

As a single woman you can begin to feel as if to be empowered you must be sexual, and aggressive, and selfish. The alternative is to be boring, unattractive, and lonely.

That just isn’t true. And as much as I do love all the things I mentioned above, I love that I can be all those things and do all those things and still glorify God. I can be fun and fabulous and have a sexless in the city lifestyle.

But how?