Life As an Afterschool Special

(its been a while)

First let me say my eyes are ON FIRE.

I accidentally sprayed a elevator full of people with my pepper spray

(kind of)

I have a pepper spray pen that looks like this

and I am getting on the elevator and I hear this kind of hissing sound coming from my purse (which is crammed full)

and so I open my purse and the pepper spray is going off.. so opening my purse makes the pepper spray go everywhere, and every one starts yelling and coughing and everyone gets off at the next stop then security shut down the elevator.

and.

my eyes are ON FIRE.

and everyone hates me.

but it is kind of amusing in retrospect.

(Happy Friday)

Sometimes I am not the quickest horse in the stable.

or the brightest crown in the box.

I tend to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

and sometimes people wonder if my elevator goes all the way to the top floor.

Yes I am a natural blonde, although I have dyed my hair.

I like to think of it as artificial intellegence.

Case in point, yesterday evening.

I have new job as a photographer at a protrait studio. There are a few studios in the greater columbus area, and I travel to different studios during the week.

Last night I had just finished working a nine hour shift, and as I closed up the store I pulled out my cell phone to check my messages.

I had three missed calls.

The first two numbers came up as names from my caller id, but the third was just a number.

It looked really really familar.

Because I didnt want to use daytime minutes, I used my work phone to call the number and see who was calling my cell phone.

It was busy. I figured I would wait a few minutes and try again. Every time I dialed the number from my work phone it was busy.

While I was waiting I decided to call my cell from my work phone and check my messages to see if this mystery caller had left me a message.

I dialed then number of my cell phone and it started to ring. I looked and saw that it was the mystery number!

YES!

Whoever was trying to get ahold of me must be trying to call me back.

So while I held my work phone in my hand on one ear I picked up my cell phone and answered it with the other hand.

“Hello” I said into my cell phone.

and “hello” I heard in my ear through the work phone.

Oh yeah, its true.

I had just called myself AND tried to answer myself all at the same time.

yep… I’m quick.

the mystery number was my studio, from when I had checked messages earlier in the day.

Thank God I am cute and fun cause Lord knows I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

and that my friends, is why I need the “shirt” bus

There are many things I have learned in my life over the years.

Some of these things I learned by watching others, but in most things, I learn by experience.

I learn the hard way.

I am not always the brightest crayon in the box when it comes to common sense, and thus I find my life is an after school special.

Today is no exception.

Oh, it began like every other day. I began my ride to work, pink car gleaming in the sunshine and tunes blasting up out of my sunroof. I got to the exit where I normally switch highways. The exit was blocked off because of Vice President Chaney’s motorcade was driving through.

My car at a complete halt on the highway, I scanned the horizon. I didn’t see a motorcade, only police officers. I waited for a while but as I sat there my impatience grew. I reached up to brush the hair out of my face and my hand caught in its tangled mess. I shouldn’t keep my hair down with the windows and sunroof open. “Humm” I thought to myself. Then I had a brilliant idea. My gym bag was in the trunk of my car with a hairbrush in it. As long as we were stopped I could get it.

I opened the door and stepped out onto the highway in my bare feet. I didn’t get to open my trunk. A police man came running out of no where with his gun pointed at me and told me to step away from my car. Many more followed him. They told me to put my hands behind my head and patted me down, which wasn’t easy considering I am wearing a floor length skirt. I tried to explain that my hairbrush was in my trunk but they still had their guns on me as they searched my car. The reaction of the cars around me would have been amusing if I wasn’t terrified to have so many guns pointed at me.

They did find my hairbrush, and some gym clothes. There were no guns or explosives or whatever else they thought I might be hiding, although they did question me about my passport which was in my purse. I also had my Hebrew homework on the passenger seat. That didn’t help my case. I told them I wasn’t a killer just an idiot. They weren’t amused. The Vice Presidents car passed and they let me go, although a police car did follow me all the way to work.

Another lessoned learned. The hard way.

And that my friends, is why my blog is called my life as an after school special.

On Friday I went out with a couple of coworkers after work. We went to gameworks and bowled a few games and had some drinks. It was very fun and very relaxed.

Then I met up with a friend and we went to go a local bar to see a couple bluegrass bands.

The first band was really fun… the second band was scary and clearly worshiped the devil….

The lead singer looked like Edward scissor hands.

And everything he sang was F* this and F* that.

And he screamed. At the top of his lungs. To every song.

After 40 minutes I wanted to go hug him. Or punch him in the mouth.

Instead I became a heckler.

A horrible horrible heckler.

He said “we are just going to do a few more songs”

And everybody boooed.

Seriously. The whole bar.

Now thoes of you who know me know normally I would say “Oh sad…”

And then say something warm and fuzzy

I mean the poor boy was trying.

But I had a few big girl drinks and I wasn’t feeling warm and fuzzy at all.

In fact I was feeling a little feisty.

And for those of you who know me well, you know my feistiness can cause trouble.

The lead singer starts this rant… “F the establishment… F country music. F bluegrass. F Toby Keith”

Oh no he didn’t!

Toby Keith is my country music boyfriend.

He is all country and patriotic and sexy.

Not horrible and scary and talentless like this clown.

So I say “F your mom, just stop playing.”

Oh No!

His devil music made me mean.

My hand flew over my mouth but I had already said it.

And he starts yelling at the crowd who start yelling back at him…

And then he says “I am going to play one more song… criminal.”

And everyone yelled “NO”

And he said “what do you want me to play”

And the crowd yelled “nothing”

And I yelled “for the love of God just stop playing”

There was almost a bar brawl

It was deliciously dramatic.

But I did feel slightly horrid afterwards

But it isn’t my fault. I was perfectly sweet and content listening to bluegrass… but his devil music made me mean.

In my description of myself, I claimed that I loved the roller coaster of life, both the highs and the lows, because it is in those highs and lows that you truly know you are living.

Lately that thought has been put to the test. In a moment of lows do I still enjoy the ride?

I believe that each experience in life is an opportunity to learn and grow, and each experience has the ability to make you better or make you bitter.

But the choice between the two is yours to make.

There are times when no matter how much you desire something , how much you fight for it, and how much you believe in it, it can not or will not exist outside of your hopes or dreams.

And there is a time when you have to decide if you are going to keep struggling, keep hoping, or gracefully walk away.

The choice is never easy. Because your heart wants to hold out hope, and you fear what letting go will mean. But if you are honest with yourself, the choice has already been made for you.

The truth is holding on only hurts you, and takes you one step closer to becoming bitter and one step farther from becoming better.

And so you mourn the loss of what could have been. You cry. You get angry. But you think back over this experience and you realize that you will grow because of it, and that you wouldn’t change a thing.

You have made mistakes along the way.

You weren’t perfect.

You were real and you were flawed.

But you fought as hard as you knew how.

You loved as deeply as you were able.

You believed as truly as you were capable.

And as much as it hurts, you can walk away knowing you truly lived the moment. You experienced the ride.

and end the end, I still believe that’s what counts.

This is my story for thoes of you who didnt click the link….

Did you know….

I peed on my step brother Michaels head once.

Not on purpose mind you, but I did pee on him none the less.

We were little, around 9 or 10. He was in the basement lifting weights and he asked me to spot him. He did a few reps and then he couldn’t do anymore and he asked me to help him pick the bar off his chest.

I straddled the bench and reached down to get the weights off but I began laughing at his frustration…. You know the kind of laughter that makes you unable to move… And the more angry he got the harder I laughed.

Then it happened. Standing there above him I laughed so hard I started to pee!

yep right on his head, as he was trapped helpless by the weights on his chest.

I couldn’t help it and him yelling at me just made me laugh harder. It was running down his forehead and onto the floor. It was pretty gross, but it was really funny.

The funniest part is that he suddenly got the strength of ten men and threw the bar off of him. He didn’t talk to me for a whole week, and in the past 15 years he has never once asked me to workout with him….

I think I will call him and see if he wants to hit the gym after work….

I posted this on the Rumor Forum, but I havent written on my blog in so long I thought I would post it here too.

I have had the WORST headache all day today. Its right under my eyes and is KILLING me.

I am at Centerpoint, which is a massage school, and I told them I had a headache and so far I have been given healing stones, had my shiatsu points on my legs pressed, reflexology done on my hand, and given some terrible ginsing tea.

And none of these things cured my headache.

So I call my dad to chat, and in passing I say “I have a terrible headache… I have had it all day”

And my DAD says “You should hypnotize yourself”

What?!

And my dad says “Yeah, I just got hypnotized” and proceeds to tell me about how I need to regulate my breathing, close my eyes, focus on a happy place like a forest, and not allow headaches into my happy place. And then I will “wake up” with no headache.

What?!

First my mom and her “box” and now my dad and his “happy place”

No wonder I need therepy.

But I laugh and he says “I am serious. I just got hypnotized and learned how to do it myself today. So I quit smoking. Now I am going home to hypnotize Mom.”

What?!

Doesnt anyone believe in asprin anymore?!