An honest post
So… Its 11:00 am and I already have fun Jamie stories I could tell… but honestly even the momentary high of a few classic Jamie moments has already worn off. Instead of being entertaining today, I think I am going to go out of my box and be real and deep. I hope you don’t mind.
Yesterday was a really really hard day for me. Maybe one of the hardest I have had in a while. After work Kim came to take me out to dinner, and when she got to my house I was sitting on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks.
It was a hard week. And I was just beginning to feel like I had my feet under me and little more steady. Then everything came at once.
Life is a little overwhelming right now. And I am doing a pretty good job being “fine” and “fun” and not focusing on hard things, but inside I am really just so so so sad. If I am honest.
I have been thinking a lot yesterday and today about how ignorance really is bliss. When we don’t know about dying grandparents or angry friends or credit scores or rents being raised or not being able to rent the house you have your heart set on or past employers saying horrible things about you or roommates being upset or past issues that are about to resurface, that finding out changes everything, even though nothing really changed at all.
All those things existed before you knew. People got angry or made those choices or made up their minds long before you actually found out about it. Grandparents were sick long before the hospital pronounced them terminal. You just didn’t know. And knowing changes everything.
I am overwhelmed in the knowing. I would rather not know.
I wish it was a week ago and I still thought I had a handle on my emotions or on my past. I wish that I still thought that I was making progress and getting healthy and moving towards having meaningful relationships and I wasn’t afraid of men or commitment or myself.
I wish it was a week ago and I didn’t know that my rent was being raised and I didn’t meet with a financial advisor and I didn’t know my credit score and I still had hope of subleasing a friends house for half of what I pay now.
I wish it was a week ago and I never got an email from a friend saying that an old employer was saying horrible things about me.
I really really wish it was a week ago and my relationships were still solid and intact and the people I love and trust most in this world still loved and trusted me.
But more than anything else, I wish it was a week ago and I thought both my grandparents were fine and there was lots of time to go home and tell them how much I love them and how much I appreciate everything they have done and how much they loved me and how that love has shaped me in so many ways.
But knowing changes everything… and I do know all these things now. And I am so so so sad.
