Life As an Afterschool Special

So… Its 11:00 am and I already have fun Jamie stories I could tell… but honestly even the momentary high of a few classic Jamie moments has already worn off. Instead of being entertaining today, I think I am going to go out of my box and be real and deep. I hope you don’t mind.

Yesterday was a really really hard day for me. Maybe one of the hardest I have had in a while. After work Kim came to take me out to dinner, and when she got to my house I was sitting on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks.

It was a hard week. And I was just beginning to feel like I had my feet under me and little more steady. Then everything came at once.

Life is a little overwhelming right now. And I am doing a pretty good job being “fine” and “fun” and not focusing on hard things, but inside I am really just so so so sad. If I am honest.

I have been thinking a lot yesterday and today about how ignorance really is bliss. When we don’t know about dying grandparents or angry friends or credit scores or rents being raised or not being able to rent the house you have your heart set on or past employers saying horrible things about you or roommates being upset or past issues that are about to resurface, that finding out changes everything, even though nothing really changed at all.

All those things existed before you knew. People got angry or made those choices or made up their minds long before you actually found out about it. Grandparents were sick long before the hospital pronounced them terminal. You just didn’t know. And knowing changes everything.

I am overwhelmed in the knowing. I would rather not know.

I wish it was a week ago and I still thought I had a handle on my emotions or on my past. I wish that I still thought that I was making progress and getting healthy and moving towards having meaningful relationships and I wasn’t afraid of men or commitment or myself.

I wish it was a week ago and I didn’t know that my rent was being raised and I didn’t meet with a financial advisor and I didn’t know my credit score and I still had hope of subleasing a friends house for half of what I pay now.

I wish it was a week ago and I never got an email from a friend saying that an old employer was saying horrible things about me.

I really really wish it was a week ago and my relationships were still solid and intact and the people I love and trust most in this world still loved and trusted me.

But more than anything else, I wish it was a week ago and I thought both my grandparents were fine and there was lots of time to go home and tell them how much I love them and how much I appreciate everything they have done and how much they loved me and how that love has shaped me in so many ways.

But knowing changes everything… and I do know all these things now. And I am so so so sad.

Pawn Shop

I went to the Pawn Shop for my first time ever today. Like ever ever. I kind of loved it. The manager was this big cute burly white man with lots of tattoos.

I asked him if I could ask a random question. He answered “A pretty girl like you can ask me whatever she wants”

He is my new favorite.

I asked him if he knew anyone who could come to where my broken car was and take the CD player out before I had it towed away. He asked where it was and I said downtown. He asked when I needed it and I said whenever. He offered to come do it himself. I asked how much. He said if it was outside he would have done it for free, but he would do it for the cost of gas. I asked how much. He said 5 or 10 dollars. He is totally my favorite.

He gave me his card and wrote his cell number on the back and said he gets off work at 4. Some days it pays to be a girl.

Pee Dance

I was wondering today, as I did a little dance in the elevator at work, why moving around helps you when you have to pee really bad. What is it about the side to side dance that makes your bladder feel more under control? Shouldn’t it make it worse? These are the things I think as I dance in the elevator at work.

Smells like Cake

I really want new perfume but I am poor. Its from Victoria Secret and its called Slice of Heaven. I think it kind of smells like cake. I love it. My roommate has some and I have coveted it for the longest time. You really should go smell it. And then buy me some. Because its good. And my birthday is coming up. And the people at Victoria Secret in the mall next to my work are getting kind of sick of me going to their store and using the sample every day. And I do mean every day. But I don’t care. It smells that good.

Hubcaps

Is there a point to hubcaps? I mean besides looking cool? See, the problem is that I am, at heart, a girlie girl who was raised in a gated community by upper middle class parents but thinks she is a little bad ass because she has woofers and spinners on her car.

Well only two spinners, because I went to Kmart to buy a fan and someone stole the front two. But that is a different story and different post for a different day.

But now my car only has two spinners, which isn’t very bad ass at all. Where do I get new ones? And can I buy just two. And why would anyone steal just two hubcaps?

And again, what is the point of a hubcap. I should ask my pawn store friend. He would know.

Nose piercing

I think I want to pierce my nose for my birthday. Well not pierce it by myself, because I am not nearly brave enough to stick a needle in my flesh. Luckily, this is why I could never do Heroin. But I would like someone else to poke a needle in my flesh and give me a tiny stud.

Do you think i could rock a pierced nose?

Mark Your Calenders

Its offical, Seth and Ann, Mike J, Adam and I are having an old school birthday blowout out on October 28th at Seth and Ann’s. Costumes, music, and if the weather is nice a bonfire… Good times will be had by all. Start getting your costume ready now.

Kathy Grunditz

Speaking of birthdays, Kathy Grunditz is one of my very best friends. In the world. I love her almost more than I love anyone, and I am not even saying that in a “Jamie is fun and pretends she likes everyone” sort of way. I really do think she is fantastic, and I am so glad we have fought it out and laughed it out and talked it out and remained friends for so long. She is sassy and beautiful and strong and wise and fun and I completly love, respect, and trust her. And that is saying a lot. And yesterday was her birthday. So I thought I would give a shout out to her awesomeness. YAY KATHY!

Geof Morris

Its also my friend Geof’sbirthday today. I love that every year he gets older faster than I do. We dated. I am not sure he will love that I put that here, but he has access to my wordpress so I guess he can change it if he wants… but my point is, we dated, and it was terrible and messy for a while, and I really didn’t think we could be friends. I have trust issues. And it is hard for me to trust especially when I have been hurt. So I didn’t think we could be friends. He didn’t think we could be friends. But we are. He is one of the few men who really really knows me and kind of gets me. And he is fun and kind and smart and has amazing taste in music and I really really appreciate his friendship. And if you can’t say that on someones birthday when can you say that?

That’s all I got kids…

MMMP.