Life As an Afterschool Special

So, I am back on the bus. Oh lovely public transportation, how I love thee.

What does this mean for you? Being back on the bus means that everyone is safer in a snowstorm without me on the road. It also means I have Jamie stories to keep you entertained.

Bus story # 1.

I think my morning bus driver thinks I am a stripper. Or a whore. Or something scandalous along those lines. Surprisingly it isn’t because of how I dress or even my somewhat flirty disposition. No, I think he thinks I am a stripper because the first time I rode his bus to work in the morning I was trying to make sure that he stopped by my work in the Warehouse district. My work happens to be one block away from Sex World, a huge (read HUGE) 24 hour sex shop, and half a block from Dejavu, a popular strip club in the cities.

Because it is easier to explain where I want to get off the bus using such widely known places, I say “Do you stop by Sex World and Dejavu”

He looks at me with curiosity and I say without thinking, “You know the huge pink strip club, do you stop by there? I have to go to work”

Ha! I didn’t give it another thought until a few days later when my bus driver, who is not from America, turns to me and says very sincerely “In America you can be whatever you want to be. You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to do anything you don’t really want to do. You can work anywhere. We are hiring bus drivers. You could work for the bus company. They are a good company. You should call them. You should not have to work where you work”

I thank him and get off the bus thinking ” I wonder what it is that he thinks i do that I need to not work there? I haven’t even told him about my job” And then, the light came on.

Ha! He totally thinks I am a stripper. Which is alarming on so many levels. Especially because Dejavu’s slogan is “1000’s of pretty girls and 3 ugly ones”

(Side note: How do they pick the ugly ones? Do you interview for it, or do you get hired and then somewhere down the line you realize that you are indeed one of the three ugly ones? Is it like American Idol auditions where people make it in front of Simon, Paula, and Randy and sing their hearts out, thinking they actually have a shot, only to have their dreams crushed? They were tricked all along. And am I horrible because that is one of my favorite parts of the show. Total jerk)

Bus story #2

I love the crazies on the bus and they love me. Yesterday there was a practical blizzard in the cities. Traffic was at a standstill and buses were running an hour behind schedule. After waiting in the snow for almost 40 minutes I finally got on a bus. At the next stop a man reeking of alcohol sat down next to me. First words slurred out of his mouth? “You are pretty, want to keep me warm? I like you”

Seriously why do men say things like that? Do they honestly think a woman will say “Oh how romantic! I was hoping you would say that!”

Surprisingly, that isn’t how I responded. I said “Look mister. I stood outside for 40 minutes waiting for a bus. I am tired and wet and I honestly don’t feel like talking with you right now”

He said “Ok I have to call my bitch anyways” Seriously. That is what he said.

He gets on the phone and as soon as someone answers he says “You better come see me tomorrow or I am going back to Saint Paul and you will never see me again” (I try not to laugh. St Paul is 20 minutes away. It isn’t like he is threating to move to the Congo.)

Next he says “You know that cat we have? You better come get it or I will kill it. Yeah that’s what I said. Dead.” (Wow. And to think I missed the chance to keep him warm.)

Then he says “Baby I love you. I am tired of screwing around. You need to step up to the plate. Show me you care. Give me some pictures. Give me some mother f’ing pictures. You know what I want” (Um… what? This is fantastically disturbing.)

He says “You know I just got out of the workhouse right…” (Wait… is the workhouse jail? The share a cat but she doesn’t know he was in jail. Interesting.)

He says “Now I cant drive a car. You know I want to drive my Bentley” (Yeah right)

And he ends the conversation by saying. “What about your people. I don’t care about your people. I will kill them too” (Awww, he is so loving)

He hangs up the phone and turns to me and says “So… can I get your number”

Yeaaaaah.

(Bonus Jamie Story)

We got snowed in at the retreat this weekend. This meant we had to get out and push the cars up the dirt road. I get out with the boys, take my position at the back of the car and start pushing. The car starts rolling so we start running with it… It is starting to feel a little easy breezy beautiful and I realize that my pants are falling down (This is a good thing, I think it means the workouts are working) By the time I can get out of the cars way and grab them they are around my ankles, and I moon all the men and women in my small group.