Life As an Afterschool Special

They see me rollin
They hatin
Patrolling they tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
My mouth is so numb
I’m swangin
They hopin that they gon catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin

~ CHAMILLIONJAMIE

I went to Ann’s birthday party this weekend and had SO MUCH FUN.

While I was at the party I told a “Jamie Story” and then realized I hadn’t blogged about.

So…

Last Thursday i went to the dentist.
I am TERRIFIED of dentists

I know a lot of people are but I actually have a really good reason! Two years ago I went to the Philippines for a mission trip. While I was there I needed an emergency root canal. Root canals and third world countries do NOT go together well. My bottom tooth was infected, so the medication they were using to numb the pain wasn’t working, and they started drilling on my tooth anyways. It hurt so bad that I bit the dentist hand and the drill went up through my top tooth as well. So now I hate the dentist. HATE them.

But I needed to go so I sucked it up and went to J& D dental. They are fabulous, and made sure I was very very very numb before they did anything. After they were finished I felt a little queasy and decided to ride the bus home.

(This is the good part)

I am on the bus but all the seats are taken so I stand up and hold on the railing. My whole mouth is numb, I don’t feel good, and I shut my eyes. When I open them again I realized that I am drooling. Worse yet, I realize that I am DROOLING on the MAN seated below me. Seriously. Drool running down his cheek. But I can’t really help it because I cant feel my mouth.

So I try to apologize but I can’t really talk yet and it comes out as “swary i dwool on you head”

The bus stops and the man gets off.

Hee. Great! He totally thought I was one of the “special” people on the “shirt bus”

I might as well have been wearing a helmet and mismatched shoes.

So there you have it, yet another Jamie moment.

And even when I *try* to behave, my life is still full of afterschool “special” moments.

Abbott: Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who’s on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing…
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s on first.
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yes.

Man on the Bus: You smell nice.

Jamie: Thanks. It’s fantastic.

Man on the Bus: I know. What’s it called?

Jamie: It’s fantasic.

Man on the Bus: I said like it. It smells like cotton candy. But what’s it called.

Jamie: GAH. It’s fantasic.

Man on the Bus: You said that already. Does it have a name.

Jamie: Fantastic

Man on the Bus: So you aren’t going to tell me?

Jamie: For the love of God, the perfume is called Fantastic.

Man on the Bus:Oh. I get it. So can I get your number?

Jamie: Uh, no.

Man on the Bus: Why not?

Jamie: Ummm, I am married.

Man on the Bus: You don’t have a ring.

Jamie: I am allergic to jewlrey.

Man on the Bus: You have earrings in.

Jamie: I am only allergic in my finger.

Man looks at her skeptically

Jamie: I am very sensative.

Man on the bus: So I can’t call you?

Jamie: No. Not even a little bit.

Man on the Bus: This is my stop.

Jamie: Fantastic.

Jamie Story!

Last sunday I spent a good part of the night talking to my friend Bob. (yes his name really is Bob! I always wanted a friend named Bob!) who I met on Christian Cafe/MySpace. He is pretty funny and kind of quarky.

The next morning I had a phone interview at 7am. So I woke up and went through the interview process. It went extreamly well, and I was asked to do a face to face interview on Friday.

Later that day I realized I hadnt saved Bobs number, and went through my caller id and saved it.

Almost a week goes by, and I am walking during my lunch break and decide to give Bob a call.

His answering machine picks up and says “hey this is Micheal Flarety, leave me a message and I will call you back”

What? Bob is kind of whacky, so without much thought I leave this message…

“Heh. Micheal Flarety. Like Lord of the dance? You are so silly. Did you give up your dream of nursing to become a dancer? What kind of name is Micheal Flarety anyways? Its kind of a gay if you think about it. A man named Micheal Flarety SHOULD be a dancer. Anyways, this is Jamie. The girl from the internet *giggle* You know myspace, christian cafe yada yada yada. It is frikin freezing out here so I thought I would call and distact myself. But I will talk you later… *mocking tone* Mr Micheal Flarety”

Later I am sitting at my desk and I am wondering why Bob would call himself micheal flarety. So I google “Lord of the dance” and see that HIS name is Michael Flatley.

What the hell?

Then who is Micheal Flarety? I google it without much luck then go back through my caller ID and realize to my HORROR that Micheal Flarety is the PRESIDENT of the company I was interviewing with.

And I just left him a long message MOCKING his name and telling him I am “Jamie from the internet”

Dear Lord. I had no idea what to do and called a few friends to ask and they all tell me to call him back and say it was a mistake.

So I call back and he ANSWERS. ANd I dont know what to say so I hang up.

Then he calls ME back. (this just keeps getting worse)

And I say “Hi I am Jamie, I interviewed with you on Monday and I accidently just left you a message I meant to leave my friend. It is an inside joke. And I dialed you instead”

And he says “What are you talking about?”

And I stammer “The message… I left…”

ANd he interrupts to say he hasnt checked his messages yet and he has no idea what I am talking about.

This is no good. So I just say “Ok have a good day” and hang up.

I dont think I will be getting that job.

Oh the messes I make.

(Tee Hee)

I had to go down to the courthouse this weekend and pay a ticket I forgot about that had turned into a warrent.

I really wanted to take care of it, because this wasnt my first warrent. I had been through the “system” before, although I still maintain my last warrent wasnt my fault.

Most people dont know that I am a jail bird

Yeah I’ve done hard time.

I been in the big house, up the river, in the clink…

I WALKED the green mile…..

I LIVED Shawshank man….

ok well maybe that is a streach but I did spend the night in jail once.

I had been in the depths of despair and had gone over to a friends for a girls night. Let me help you visualize. I was wearing Pajama bottoms, a tank top, a cardigan and no shoes. I had been crying so my eyes were red and my face was puffy and I had been running my hands through my hair so it was a mess. NOT my finest moment.

I am driving home around eleven and I see the po po behind me. UGH. I was in the wrong lane and had to switch in the middle of an intersection. This isnt going to be good.

so of course the lights go on and I pull over. The police man comes to my window and asks me if I have been drinking. Now this isnt an unusual question giving my driving ability. I once had to get out of the car and do a road test when I hadnt had a sip. Thats why you shouldnt put on lipgloss and drive.

I say “no officer of course I havent been drinking”. He asks me to step out of the car which I do in my bare feet. He then pushes me up against the car and handcuffs me.

you have got to be freakin kidding me…..

I of course panic… I start rattling off questions at warp speed “whats happening…. what did I do…. why am I in trouble…”

He reads me my rights.

I didnt get it. Why am I in this situation? He takes me to his car and shows me that there is a warrent out for my arrest for failure to appear.

I had gotten a ticket for not having my plate on the front of my car and I went to court. I did appear I even brought someone with me. But according to his little computer I was a fugitive.

I actually started to relax. I mean this was all just a mistake. Surely they will fix it.

He radios the Police in the county my ticket is in and they ask him to transport “the suspect”. Oh yeah.

Police Man 1 and I drive to the police academy and I get out of his car, unhandcuffed, rehandcuffed and lead to a new car.

Police Man 2 is some cocky younger guy. He looks at me and says “Have you been behaving for the officer”

“Um I guess”

“what do you mean you guess? have you been a good little girl?” he replies

“Dont talk to me like that” I shoot back before being forced into the back seat of his car.

he is listening to Rage Against the Machine. yeah this is going to be pleasent….

Police Man 2 takes me to jail, fingerprints me , takes my mug shot, and puts me in a cell by myself. He tells me he isnt sure how much my bail is, but the judge only works on thursdays, so I may have to be here a while. Its Monday.

you have got to be kidding me.

let me tell you no time is like jail time. It goes by soooooo slow. Minutes seem like hours.

Finally he comes back and tells me my bail is 255 dollars.

Its 3am. I try to call my house and no one answers. I try to call my friends and they are sleeping. Finally I reach my parents. My step mom answers the phone.

“Mom Im in jail and I need someone to bail me out”

“Tim its for you, your daughters in Jail”

great. I make them so proud.

so my dad agrees to come and get me and I am lead to a holding cell with other women. UGH.

A drunk woman comes up to me and says in a slurrred voice ” You aint got no shoes on”

“Dont talk to me” is my only answer. So much for that prision ministry.

My dad FINALLY got there about 4am and bailed me out

I seriously cant spent time in jail. I will turn into some womans girlfriend real quick. I am CLEARLY not cut out for it.

But yeah I’ve done hard time…

so that is why I had to pay my ticket to clear my warrent and why I am carrying the paper to prove I did on me as we speak.

Momma didnt raise no fool

just another chapter in my life as an afterschool special.

I have nothing to write today… so I thought I would pull out one of my infamous “Jamie stories”

I have a whole collection of stories that people who don’t know me well don’t really believe happen, and people who know me well believe only happen to me.

So settle in and I will tell you the Jamie story of how I accidentally made a date with a lesbian and how I purposefully went on the date.

I was on a plane flying from Columbus, in the middle seat.
(Oh how I HATE middle seats.)

The man next to me was sleeping, and there was a woman on the other side.
(And she had a really horrid hair cut she needs to rethink)

I was trying to read my book Shopaholic ties the knot
(which is so cute, and frightingly like me)

And I kept elbowing this lady when I turned the page.
(Again, oh how I hate the middle seat)

So I put down my book but then I was bored.
(I don’t do well sitting still and not talking. that’s shocking I know)

And the man was sleeping and the lady totally didn’t seem to be friendly. But most people can be friendly when given the right opportunity.
(At least I like to think that when I want to start a conversation on a plane or elevator)

So I asked her where she was from. And she was from New Orleans.
(What a small world we live in)

So we talked about the hurricane, and the relief efforts, and when she can go home.
(And how much she hates bush. but I like him. I didn’t tell her I voted for him because he was a cowboy)

And she asked me why I was flying. And I told her all about Matt and how I was leaving because I have a protection order and I just need to get away and blah blah blah.
(Sometimes I over share)

And she was like men are such assholes.
(Not all men, just most of them)

And I said “well matt almost makes me want to give up on men”.
(Not all men just most of them)

And she said “really. I will be in the city for a few months. Want to get together and have a drink or something?”
(And I was totally thinking maybe we can have big girl slushies!)

So I said “I would love to” and I gave her my number.
(Maybe I need to rethink my friendliness)

But I was just thinking that it would be fun to hang out with a girlfriend
(But I so wasn’t thinking “girlfriend”)

And I saw she had a tattoo and I said I liked it and asked if she had any others
(And I told her I was getting one on my wrist)

And then she showed me a whole slew of lesbian tattoos
(Like a pink triangle and two girl symbols and such truck)

And I was like… ohhh okay. Those are pretty. I like pink.
(I mean what do you say about a pink triangle)

And I was thinking wow that totally explains her horrid haircut
(Up till then I thought she was just a manly woman with bad taste)

And then the plane landed and we stood up and I gave her a hug and said I was sorry about her house and the flood but I hope she has a lovely time on vacation.
(I think more people should hug the person they sit next to on the plane)

And she held on for longer then was comfortable and said she looked forward to going out with me
(And THEN I realized she meant “going out”)

So she called me.
(Quite a few times)

I finally answered the phone when she called.
(It was so awkward)

“Hi… is this Jamie”

“Yes this is Jamie… but I have to be honest that I am not a lesbian. I mean I love lesbians… but I am not one”

“There is a first time for everything”

And I agreed to go out
(A girls gotta eat)

My “girlfriend” picked me up and we went to dinner and had hamburgers and several long island ice teas.
(And by several I mean several.)

We talked a lot. I talked about matt and cried.
(Seriously. I am a big cry baby.)

Then we decided that we were being too serious and it was time to have some fun, so we went to a gay nightclub.
(Can I just say I LOVED it? I mean LOVED it. It was really fun).

I danced to dancing queen with a bunch of drag queens…
(Michael Jackson and Madonna and Prince and all sorts of fun fun music)

I had a few more drinks.
(And by a few I mean a lot. They were FREE!)

I met all sorts of fun people.
(Who bought me drinks)

I decided I love lesbians.
(They are so fun, and they think I am cute)

In fact my “girlfriend” told me I was the most sensual woman she had ever met.
(What can I say?)

And if I were going to be a lesbian I decided I would be a lipstick lesbian.
(And give makeovers to people at night clubs)

So, she took me home, and I gave her a hug, and she went in for a kiss…
(But I kissed her on her cheek)

I told her she was amazing and I had an amazing time… but I still liked boys
(A lot!)

I did have a really really good time.

But I haven’t dated a woman since… and I don’t think I am going to again.

So there you have it. A bonafide Jamie story.

(Thank God for … RMFO).

I never would have remembered all this

Sometimes I think it is really good and healthy to laugh at yourself… And luckily for me I have more than enough crazy moments to look back on and laugh at.

Even when I am feeling dark and lonely and depressed I can usually find something that makes me smile. So here is an untold Jamie moment that made me smile today.

My roommate Melanie had just moved to the cities from a small cattle farm in WI. When she first came I showed her around the city and took her to coffee shops and the Mall of America and even gave her a big city makeover complete with hooker boots.

One weekend she was going home, and I needed a break from life with ten slightly crazy roommates (yes. I said TEN). She invited me to come along and help her family at the county fair where they were showing horses.

I am always up for an adventure and agreed to come along. I actually had a really good time. I milked a cow, I fed goats, I had a baby cow suck on my finger. I bought two cowgirl hats and the cutest bag ever. I went to a Rodeo two nights in a row. Melanie and I were sitting in the stands watching the rodeo and I was so into it, mainly because it was new and exciting. One of the cowboys came and sat by his friends behind us. I was wearing jeans and a black long sleeve tee shirt and my new cowgirl hat and after a while I got up and offered to go get beer. As I was walking away I heard the cowboy say “now there goes a real cowgirl” and Melanie laugh. Heh. Not so much. But when I came back I did give him my number, and I came and watched him the next day. Oh county fair romance. I could be a Garth Brooks song.

The best moment of the weekend was when Melanie took me to a county fair auction where people were bidding on animals. It was AWESOME. The auctioneer was talking a million miles a minute and they were parading sheep and cow and pigs in front of us. I was having a great time, and got the man next to us to buy us soda. I kept talking and gesturing and laughing and suddenly I hear SOLD! To the lady in the lady in the third row.

And I look up and realize he is talking about ME. I just accidentally bought a COW. At first I was excited because the auctioneer repeated that the cow was SOLD for 3.50

I thought, YAY! I just bought a cow for three dollars! And its kind of cute! I can keep him in the backyard!

Then Melanie informed me that the cow cost three dollars a pound and it was over a thousand pounds. Then she asked if my mom could wire me money.

Heh.

The cow no longer seemed like a good pet. However, I thought I do like a good hamburger and I love a good steak. And I could use a cow skin rug. Or a new purse But three thousand is a bit much for a steak.

So I gave it back.

And that my friends is how I accidently bought a cow.