Life As an Afterschool Special

I have nothing to write today… so I thought I would pull out one of my infamous “Jamie stories”

I have a whole collection of stories that people who don’t know me well don’t really believe happen, and people who know me well believe only happen to me.

So settle in and I will tell you the Jamie story of how I accidentally made a date with a lesbian and how I purposefully went on the date.

I was on a plane flying from Columbus, in the middle seat.
(Oh how I HATE middle seats.)

The man next to me was sleeping, and there was a woman on the other side.
(And she had a really horrid hair cut she needs to rethink)

I was trying to read my book Shopaholic ties the knot
(which is so cute, and frightingly like me)

And I kept elbowing this lady when I turned the page.
(Again, oh how I hate the middle seat)

So I put down my book but then I was bored.
(I don’t do well sitting still and not talking. that’s shocking I know)

And the man was sleeping and the lady totally didn’t seem to be friendly. But most people can be friendly when given the right opportunity.
(At least I like to think that when I want to start a conversation on a plane or elevator)

So I asked her where she was from. And she was from New Orleans.
(What a small world we live in)

So we talked about the hurricane, and the relief efforts, and when she can go home.
(And how much she hates bush. but I like him. I didn’t tell her I voted for him because he was a cowboy)

And she asked me why I was flying. And I told her all about Matt and how I was leaving because I have a protection order and I just need to get away and blah blah blah.
(Sometimes I over share)

And she was like men are such assholes.
(Not all men, just most of them)

And I said “well matt almost makes me want to give up on men”.
(Not all men just most of them)

And she said “really. I will be in the city for a few months. Want to get together and have a drink or something?”
(And I was totally thinking maybe we can have big girl slushies!)

So I said “I would love to” and I gave her my number.
(Maybe I need to rethink my friendliness)

But I was just thinking that it would be fun to hang out with a girlfriend
(But I so wasn’t thinking “girlfriend”)

And I saw she had a tattoo and I said I liked it and asked if she had any others
(And I told her I was getting one on my wrist)

And then she showed me a whole slew of lesbian tattoos
(Like a pink triangle and two girl symbols and such truck)

And I was like… ohhh okay. Those are pretty. I like pink.
(I mean what do you say about a pink triangle)

And I was thinking wow that totally explains her horrid haircut
(Up till then I thought she was just a manly woman with bad taste)

And then the plane landed and we stood up and I gave her a hug and said I was sorry about her house and the flood but I hope she has a lovely time on vacation.
(I think more people should hug the person they sit next to on the plane)

And she held on for longer then was comfortable and said she looked forward to going out with me
(And THEN I realized she meant “going out”)

So she called me.
(Quite a few times)

I finally answered the phone when she called.
(It was so awkward)

“Hi… is this Jamie”

“Yes this is Jamie… but I have to be honest that I am not a lesbian. I mean I love lesbians… but I am not one”

“There is a first time for everything”

And I agreed to go out
(A girls gotta eat)

My “girlfriend” picked me up and we went to dinner and had hamburgers and several long island ice teas.
(And by several I mean several.)

We talked a lot. I talked about matt and cried.
(Seriously. I am a big cry baby.)

Then we decided that we were being too serious and it was time to have some fun, so we went to a gay nightclub.
(Can I just say I LOVED it? I mean LOVED it. It was really fun).

I danced to dancing queen with a bunch of drag queens…
(Michael Jackson and Madonna and Prince and all sorts of fun fun music)

I had a few more drinks.
(And by a few I mean a lot. They were FREE!)

I met all sorts of fun people.
(Who bought me drinks)

I decided I love lesbians.
(They are so fun, and they think I am cute)

In fact my “girlfriend” told me I was the most sensual woman she had ever met.
(What can I say?)

And if I were going to be a lesbian I decided I would be a lipstick lesbian.
(And give makeovers to people at night clubs)

So, she took me home, and I gave her a hug, and she went in for a kiss…
(But I kissed her on her cheek)

I told her she was amazing and I had an amazing time… but I still liked boys
(A lot!)

I did have a really really good time.

But I haven’t dated a woman since… and I don’t think I am going to again.

So there you have it. A bonafide Jamie story.

(Thank God for … RMFO).

I never would have remembered all this