Life As an Afterschool Special

The blues come over me
I pack it up and go
The blues come over me
I catch the wind and blow

The blues come in a whisper
And make you scream and shout
And you’ll do most anything
Just to let them out

I may think i’m happy
I may think i’m free
Nothing don’t mean nothing
When the blues come over me

The blues come up behind
The blues wait up ahead
The blues ask why you are born
If you just end up dead

The blues, talking about the blues
The blues, oh the blues, the blues
Talking about the blues
When the blues come over me
Talking about the blues
I have to go away
The blues, the blues
When the blues come over me
I have to pack it up and go

BB King ~ The blues come over me

speaking of my cubicle… it’s all in a box now…. and I am unemployed.

Yeah, I got the dirty down I just lost my job and now I dont know what I am going to do with my life stinkin bluuuuuues.

I am having a terrible day. I am just walking around on the verge of tears, and things that normally wouldnt bother me at all feel completly overwhelming.

It is rather ridiculous. So instead of giving into my mood, I am going to try to focus on the positive and copy Bethany and Brandy’s blog post.

so…

Happiness is…

1. An unexpected gift:
My cousin Tommy sent me the most beautiful pair of earrings. The are emerald green drop earrings. But what I loved the most was the note written in his ten year old handwriting, and the fact that he saw jewlrey and bought it for me. It made me feel very special and very loved.

2. A kind word shared with me recently:
My best friend Susie left a card in my mailbox last week. It was a just because card.

3. Something that makes me stop and praise God:
Fall! The leaves are changing colors and the sky is grey and the clouds are so amazing and the water of the lake is so still and peaceful.

4. Something I’m looking forward to:
(is it horrible my first thought was project runway tonight?) But what I am really really looking forward to is seeing my family again, even though I am not entirely sure when that will be. I miss them more than words can say right now.

5. A particular part of me I’m pleased with:
I think I am pleased with how far I have come in the past few years. I look myself two years ago and I dont even recognize who I was. There is an inner strength I never had before.

6. Something in my life that I wanted but never expected:
peace! My rollercoaster of a life has been amazingly steady for a while now. I have to work hard at not creating drama, just because I am more confortable in the chaos.

7. A place that moved/moves me:
The water. I love the water. A lake a rive, the ocean. I am most at peace and most relaxed when I am closest to water.

8. One thing/person that always makes me smile:
The little pop up I get when I have mail.

9. Most recent “love note” from God:
the weather and my quiet time on sunday

(see I feel better already)

My weekend started amazingly well. I went with Mike and saw Mute Math on Friday. (I will have to write more about it. LOVED it) Saturday I spent the day at one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to (again I will have to write more later) and then went out for a drink with Kim.

Sunday wasnt bloody, but there were lots of red leaves and red wine. And that song is in my head. On Sunday Kim picked me up and we went to church at Open Door. The service was about getting quiet and allowing God to speak to you, even though there is often pain in the silence. It really spoke to me, and later as we took communion and the worship band played I sank to the floor and cried. I cried because I am weary and frustrated and I miss the intimacy I had with God.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. The past year and a half has been incredibly hard, and I have experienced desperation in a way I had never known.

I can remember lying in bed with a grief so deep and a fear so real I would pray “Just the next five minutes God. Please help me make it through the next five minutes. I need you to make it through the next five minutes”

At that time he truly was a light unto my feet. I could only see the step I was taking, and I had to trust him to lead to safety. I needed Him in a way that was more real and truer than anything I had ever experienced.

But I gradually became stronger, and I began to depend on my own strength. I began to take control of my own life. And I started to make plans and lean on my own wisdom. I prayed less. I read my bible less frequently.

And I didn’t even notice how much I missed God until I got quiet enough to hear Him.

After church Kim and I drove to an Apple Orchard/Winery. We turned up Sarah Vaughn and laughed and sat in silence and enjoyed each other and the scenery. Kim is one of my very favorite people because I am so comfortable being real with her and our friendship comes very easy. There is never any pressure.

The drive was beautiful. The sky was grey and bleak but the trees were changing colors and everything looked so alive. I love days like that. They remind me how good God is, and how creation speaks of his glory.

At the Orchard I drank at least ten cups of hot cider (so good) and Kim bought apples. We were leaving and I panicked because I hadn’t picked any apples off the trees. When Kim and I fist pulled up we joked that we don’t look like the type of girls who pick our own apples… but I am always ready for an adventure, so I made Kim stop her car and got out and picked an apple. Just one. But now I can say I picked an apple at the apple orchard.

We also went to a wine tasting, and I bought two bottles of wine.

We were driving home and I had to pee so bad (ten cups of cider and six glasses of wine have that affect) so Kim stopped at a pumpkin patch that had an outhouse. I really was going to take one for the team, but the toilet paper and poo was piled up almost to the top, and I couldn’t sit that close to someone’s poo.

So Kim kept driving and finally stopped in Stillwater. We tried to go at a gas station, but they didn’t have a public restroom and pointed us to the portapotties out back. We walked back and discovered that the art and jazz fest was happening on the lake… YAY!

It was beautiful. The lake was grey and still and the sky was overcast and the leaves were brilliant. And Kim and I walked around with the Jazz music playing in the background and looked at every booth and convinced each other not to buy anything, although we both took the cards of our favorite artists.

On the way home Kim and I laughed a lot and I kept telling her it was the perfect day. It was one of those days that you know you will tuck away in your memory forever.

Kim wrote about Sunday Too!

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Tryin’ on a brand new dress
But you haven’t worn the old one yet
You’ve come too far
To turn around now

You’ve given up the good fight
You’re as strong as anyone
You’re back where you started from
I see you’re back where you started from

Starin’ down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just being where you are
There’s nothin’ you can do
If you’re too scared to try

Drag your pretty head around
Swearin’ you’re gonna drown
With a beautiful sigh
And a river of lies

Why don’t you call me, I could save you
Together we’ll find a God we can pray to
That’ll take you by the hand

I hate to see a friend of mine
Laughing out loud
When she’s crying inside
But you’ve got your pride

You’re starin’ down the stars
Stay where you are
You’re jealous of the moon
But there’s nothing you can do
If you’re too scared to try

Nickle Creek ~ Jealous of the Moon

You’re dangerous ’cause you’re honest
You’re dangerous, you don’t know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You’re an accident waiting to happen
You’re a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you’re not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

U2 Who’s Gonna Ride You’re Wild Horses

My friend recently said that he didnt think that I knew what I wanted. I have laid in bed the past few nights contemplating what he said, and today I spent most of my session with my pay a friend talking through it.

The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I have really honestly stopped to question what I want and also the first time anyone has ever confronted me on the fact that I might not know.

I usually know what I don’t want. But my friend reminded me that knowing what I don’t want is not the same as knowing what I want. And in many ways I have lived a lot of my life focusing on what I don’t want.

And the more I think about it, living a life based on what you don’t want is actually living a life of fear. Its about control. Because its easier to walk away from something you don’t want than let go of control and walk towards something you do.

Especially when you have to let down your guard and trust someone else to provide you with what you want. When what you want is not yours to take but rather someone elses to give.

And the truth is even after you know what you want you usually have to wait for it. And I am not good at that. I am the queen of instant gratification. I see something I want and I buy it. I see someone I like and I take it, and I tease and I pout and I manipulate until its mine.

But I am learning to wait, and I am learning to be honest with myself and others about what I do want.

And that is so so so scary for me.

So what do I want…

I am still not sure… but I have some ideas.

I want to be resonably happy. I want to let go of control. I want to let someone in. I want to learn to trust. I want to be used by God in real and tangible ways.

I want to continue to grow.

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to finish a book.

I want to let go and really fall in love. I want to let someone love me.

What do I want in a husband?

I am still figuring that out… but I know I want to find someone who loves Jesus and has a heart for people and for ministry and who makes me laugh and who I can talk to about anything and who will argue with me and stands up to be and won’t be manipluated.

I want someone who isnt afraid to push me and challenge me and ask me hard questions but is also careful with me and tender with me and knows I have pain and baggage.

I want someone who knows they have their own baggage, and isnt afraid to work on it and admit it.

I want someone I consider a best friend and someone who is passionate and someone who is loyal and someone who has integrity.

I want someone I feel safe with, I want someone who understands me. I want someone who knows that I like to be girlie and dress up and go out and entertain and be around people and that I also love to wear jeans and I don’t usually wear makeup and somedays I just want to stay at home and hang out and watch movies, and I want someone who accepts both sides of me. I want someone I dont have to pretend for. I want someone I dont have to change to make love me.

I want to not be afraid when I think I found him that I might lose him if I don’t control or manipulate the situation.

I want to let go and trust God and His will and His timing, and not cling desperately to something good when I find it.

I want to not be afraid to give him a name and a face.

But I am.

I am terrified of actually finding love and finding a man who is stronger than me and who I respect and who I will let go of control for.

I am terrified of admiting it. I am terrified that he won’t love me back, and even more terrifeid that he will.

I am terrified of being wrong.

And so I think I have to continue to try to be the person I want to be. I have to continue to grow and explore and change.

And I have to wait.

Because sometimes things worth wanting are worth waiting for.

And maybe its good for your soul to invest in something you cant control.

It’s been a hard year
But I’m climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it’s

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I know you’re here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands,
a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like
Character

Sara Groves

I relate my emotions to music. I think that it’s hard for me to be honest about how I feel a lot of the time… but I can listen to a song and yes… thats it… that is exactly what I want to say.

My friend Susan once sent me a series of mixed cds she called Beauty in the Breakdown… I have listened to them so many times some of them no longer play… They cover the stages of grief, and are wonderfully sad and heartbreaking and encouraging and uplifting.

One of the songs I tend to play over and over is Less like Scars by Sara Groves. I am not sure if it is an example of where I am or where I want to be…

But I am changing…

I don’t know when it happened…

But it is happening.

There is strength in me that I never knew existed. There is a peace that transcends understanding. There is calm below every storm.

I am not at all where I want to be… but I am walking, running, crawling in the direction I want to go.

The truth is I am tired. I am so so so tired. I am tired of looking for love and fulfillment in things that leave me broken and empty and lost. I am tired of lying to myself and to others about what I think and how I feel. I am tired of the fear of rejection and living for the approval of others. Because they fail you. They fall short. You fall short.

I am tired of falling and I am tired of struggling and I am tired of fighting.

But the difference is I continue to fight. The difference is I continue to believe in goodness and truth and happiness and love and faith, not as childish dreams that may or may not be real but as promises from a loving and good God.

And the biggest change is I truly know that all of today’s struggles are temporary compared to the greater joy that comes when we have perservered.

There is always something better.

There is always hope.

I sat down to type out my feelings and expected to write something dark, and brooding, and melancholy. But as I sat here and thought about my circumstances and my life, instead of feeling hopeless I felt hope. Instead of feeling overwhelmed I felt grateful to know there was a God who loved me and protected me and carried me through every trial and tribulation. And who would carry me through this.

It’s been a hard year… but I’m climbing out of the rubble.

I am changing…

My friend Scott introduced me to the music of Damien Rice.

After seeing him live and getting “O” and “B sides” I must say I am in love. IN LOVE.

AMAZING.

and sad.

and hopeful.

and beautiful.

and perfect.

I have had a rough week, and Damiens music has been passionate and soothing. I love volcano and delicate and blowers daughter and cold water (although the end is odd) and I remember is breathtaking and my new favorite.

But the song I have been playing over and over at the moment is Older Chests…

It it mellow and soft and fits my mood.

And since so often other people say what I feel better than I ever could…

“Older Chests”
She broke down the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
But some things they stay the same

Like time, there’s always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I’ll be fine
Just give me time
Time, there’s always time
On my mind
Pass me by, I’ll be fine
Just give me time

Its nine oclock on a saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
Theres an old man sitting next to me
Makin love to his tonic and gin

He says, “Son, can you play me a memory
I’m not really sure how it goes
But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man’s clothes”

Billy Joel
Piano Man

I am a creature of habit.

I know that may surprise some of you, because I also pride myself on being spontaneous, a little unpredictable and wild…

But I like habit. I like routine.

Before I stopped drinking (for now) Jeff and I had a standing happy hour date every Friday at the Saloon. I always got Pineapple and Malibu. The bartender knows what I like and makes it well. I like that.

I like waking up early every morning and working out. I like seeing the same workers at the gym every day. I like that they know my name. I wear the same thing and have the same pattern. Monday Wednesday and Friday I run. Tuesday and Thursday I swim. I can’t run on a Tuesday or swim on a Wednesday. I just can’t. I always swim on the same side of the lane and run on the same treadmill. I get frustrated when on someone else is on it. I have even been known to wait.

I take Yoga on Tuesday and Thursday. Elsie teaches it. It bothers me when there is a sub. I tried to take Yoga on a Saturday, but there was a different teacher and it was in a different studio and it felt all wrong so I had to stop.

I go to the local juice shop at work and get the same smoothie several times a week. They know me. They know what I order. They know my name and where I work and they started carrying Diet Mountain Dew because it was my favorite. I like that.

I have the same salad from the same restaurant for lunch almost every day. I get it with extra spinach and extra chutney. I never have to give my name, or explain what I want. They just know. And I like it that way.

I get my nails done every other week by Lena at U2 Nails. She knows my name. And that I like my nails shorter and squared and I like a French manicure or pale pink on my nails and shimmer pink on my toes. I always get a flower painted on my toenail. I hate dark colors. I tip well. If Lena is busy I wait. I only like Lena.

I go to the same local coffee shop all the time. I know the staff, and the owners. I get the same drink. I am regular. I love that.

I think there is so much of my life that is crazy and unpredictable that I secretly crave routine and stableness. Deep down I want to be the girl with roots and a connection.

Or maybe I just know what I like and how I like it, and once someone does it well I like them to continue doing it…

I’ll think it about it… you think about it… and if you come up with a conclusion, you’ll know where to find me.

You said “Ask and you will receive”
Whatever you need
You Said “Pray and I’ll hear from heaven and I’ll heal your land”

You said, Your glory will fill the earth like water to seas
You said “Lift up your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near”

You said ask and I’ll give the nations to you
Oh Lord, thats the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see your light
as it rises on us

We sang that at the Rock last night.

I love that song.

I have so many good memories attached to it. The first time I heard it was when I came back to Minneapolis for the Rock Retreat the first year after I moved to Ohio. The song struck a huge cord in me and I went back to Ohio, bought the CD and played it for Amy and Erica. We played it over and over and it became an anthem for ministry in the bottoms. Then we went on a mission trip to the Philippines and the worship band played it there. It just confirmed how no matter where we are in life we are all united in our vision and love of God.

I have been thinking a lot about that lately.

I went home last weekend for the first time in almost a year.

It was so good to see my family, to see old friends, to be surrounded by people who love me and care about me. Just to spend time in the arms of people I love, and see their face light up, and be able to hold my new nephew was such a blessing to me.

It was also very very hard to be in a place where memories are still so strong and fear is so real and in so many ways danger is still literally just around the corner.

The first night I slept in my old house with my sister I couldn’t sleep, so I went down to the kitchen to get a drink of water.

And as I stood in the room that was once so familiar memories came flooding back. Happy memories of times with friends and my sister baking and laughing and entertain. And then the horrible memories of Matt and what he did in the room.

And I sat on the floor by myself in the dark and cried. Angry sad tears for what I had and what I lost and surprisingly, grateful happy tears for what I am regaining.

There is more to tell about the weekend, and about Matt, but I don’t have the time or emotional energy to get into it all right now.

But I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head that I needed to sit down and write some of them out, and make them black and white.

What amazed me most about my trip home why the kids. To see the faces of the kids I invested so much time and energy in when I did ministry with youth for Christ gave me such great joy and broke my heart all at the same time.

I miss the passion I had. I miss the joy that comes with giving your life and time so fully. My sister, Amy, and I had moved to the bottoms to be a light. To be a safe place for the kids and the women that were lost and broken and hurting. And it was so hard and it was complicated and at the end of the day so completely worth it.

I wrote so many “horror” stories on my blog about the kids and life in bottoms, but I loved it.

Because it mattered. It made a difference.

And I miss that. I know I needed to take time off ministry to heal, and to grow, and to be more real so I can be better used… but in so many ways I have grown complacent and selfish. I stopped looking at the world around me and the brokenness and the need and started to only look inward and even upward, but almost never outward.

And I know that God comforts us so we can comfort other people. I know calls us to lay down our lives and serve him. And I am so much happier when I am being used. Being home reminded of that.

So how do I find the balance? How do I take the time I know I need to heal and to grow and still serve, still love, still make a difference?

Any ideas?