Life As an Afterschool Special

On Friday I went out with a couple of coworkers after work. We went to gameworks and bowled a few games and had some drinks. It was very fun and very relaxed.

Then I met up with a friend and we went to go a local bar to see a couple bluegrass bands.

The first band was really fun… the second band was scary and clearly worshiped the devil….

The lead singer looked like Edward scissor hands.

And everything he sang was F* this and F* that.

And he screamed. At the top of his lungs. To every song.

After 40 minutes I wanted to go hug him. Or punch him in the mouth.

Instead I became a heckler.

A horrible horrible heckler.

He said “we are just going to do a few more songs”

And everybody boooed.

Seriously. The whole bar.

Now thoes of you who know me know normally I would say “Oh sad…”

And then say something warm and fuzzy

I mean the poor boy was trying.

But I had a few big girl drinks and I wasn’t feeling warm and fuzzy at all.

In fact I was feeling a little feisty.

And for those of you who know me well, you know my feistiness can cause trouble.

The lead singer starts this rant… “F the establishment… F country music. F bluegrass. F Toby Keith”

Oh no he didn’t!

Toby Keith is my country music boyfriend.

He is all country and patriotic and sexy.

Not horrible and scary and talentless like this clown.

So I say “F your mom, just stop playing.”

Oh No!

His devil music made me mean.

My hand flew over my mouth but I had already said it.

And he starts yelling at the crowd who start yelling back at him…

And then he says “I am going to play one more song… criminal.”

And everyone yelled “NO”

And he said “what do you want me to play”

And the crowd yelled “nothing”

And I yelled “for the love of God just stop playing”

There was almost a bar brawl

It was deliciously dramatic.

But I did feel slightly horrid afterwards

But it isn’t my fault. I was perfectly sweet and content listening to bluegrass… but his devil music made me mean.

My cell phone is turned off.

Because my accounts are frozen my automatic bill pay could not go through, and the phone company turned my cell phone off.

How sad.

Me without a cell phone is like Batman without Robin, Yogi without Booboo, Simon without Garfunkle, Calvin without Hobbs, Baskin without Robbins…

I need my cell phone. I love my cell phone. It completes me…

It had me at hello.

Never the less I will survive.

On Saturday Greg picked me up and took me to the science museum and out to lunch (I see dead people… no really… we went to Body Worlds)

Later Kim picked me up and bought me dinner and took me to a movie. Afterwards we went to red dragon and drank wondrous punch (its wondrous I tell you).

We had a good time, laughing and drinking and being catty.

SO.MUCH.FUN.

We started naming the people we were talking about…

Mr. Math Club, Mr. Frizzy Hair, Mr. Dinosaur Jr, and my favorites the Rasta’s (although Kim said that wasn’t nice)

We talked about our weeks and I told her about how I had gotten free lunch.

On Thursday I went tanning for lunch time.

And when I got out of the tanning salon I walked the skyway and I noticed that the Radisson was hosting some sort of conference.

Everyone was in the conference room, but the left over badges were still out.

And so was the lunch buffet.

AND there was no staff around.

Oh yes. I did.

Kim called it stealing. I called it “creative borrowing”

(and for the record my friend Susan agreed with me. She said I was just helping them not let food go to waste. And since you can’t take leftover food like that to the homeless shelter (at least in NC), she thinks a girl who has her assets frozen thanks to an asshole is the PERFECT person to have it. And she is a DOCTOR. So she knows all about ethics)

After the talk of my “creative borrowing” we got on the subject of my Tiffany lamp. I told Kim that my friend Andrew had given it to me.

She asked why.

I rolled my eyes and said he gave it to me because I wanted it.

Kim started to laugh at me and recall all the times when people buy me things and give me things and fix things for me and bail me out.

I do have a history of getting what I want, especially from men.

She said maybe my accounts being frozen was karma.

I started to laugh and ask her what she meant. (this is why I love her. Total jerk)

She said after years of getting things free “the universe called… it wants it stuff back”

My weekend started amazingly well. I went with Mike and saw Mute Math on Friday. (I will have to write more about it. LOVED it) Saturday I spent the day at one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to (again I will have to write more later) and then went out for a drink with Kim.

Sunday wasnt bloody, but there were lots of red leaves and red wine. And that song is in my head. On Sunday Kim picked me up and we went to church at Open Door. The service was about getting quiet and allowing God to speak to you, even though there is often pain in the silence. It really spoke to me, and later as we took communion and the worship band played I sank to the floor and cried. I cried because I am weary and frustrated and I miss the intimacy I had with God.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. The past year and a half has been incredibly hard, and I have experienced desperation in a way I had never known.

I can remember lying in bed with a grief so deep and a fear so real I would pray “Just the next five minutes God. Please help me make it through the next five minutes. I need you to make it through the next five minutes”

At that time he truly was a light unto my feet. I could only see the step I was taking, and I had to trust him to lead to safety. I needed Him in a way that was more real and truer than anything I had ever experienced.

But I gradually became stronger, and I began to depend on my own strength. I began to take control of my own life. And I started to make plans and lean on my own wisdom. I prayed less. I read my bible less frequently.

And I didn’t even notice how much I missed God until I got quiet enough to hear Him.

After church Kim and I drove to an Apple Orchard/Winery. We turned up Sarah Vaughn and laughed and sat in silence and enjoyed each other and the scenery. Kim is one of my very favorite people because I am so comfortable being real with her and our friendship comes very easy. There is never any pressure.

The drive was beautiful. The sky was grey and bleak but the trees were changing colors and everything looked so alive. I love days like that. They remind me how good God is, and how creation speaks of his glory.

At the Orchard I drank at least ten cups of hot cider (so good) and Kim bought apples. We were leaving and I panicked because I hadn’t picked any apples off the trees. When Kim and I fist pulled up we joked that we don’t look like the type of girls who pick our own apples… but I am always ready for an adventure, so I made Kim stop her car and got out and picked an apple. Just one. But now I can say I picked an apple at the apple orchard.

We also went to a wine tasting, and I bought two bottles of wine.

We were driving home and I had to pee so bad (ten cups of cider and six glasses of wine have that affect) so Kim stopped at a pumpkin patch that had an outhouse. I really was going to take one for the team, but the toilet paper and poo was piled up almost to the top, and I couldn’t sit that close to someone’s poo.

So Kim kept driving and finally stopped in Stillwater. We tried to go at a gas station, but they didn’t have a public restroom and pointed us to the portapotties out back. We walked back and discovered that the art and jazz fest was happening on the lake… YAY!

It was beautiful. The lake was grey and still and the sky was overcast and the leaves were brilliant. And Kim and I walked around with the Jazz music playing in the background and looked at every booth and convinced each other not to buy anything, although we both took the cards of our favorite artists.

On the way home Kim and I laughed a lot and I kept telling her it was the perfect day. It was one of those days that you know you will tuck away in your memory forever.

Kim wrote about Sunday Too!

Kim and I did a marathon this weekend.

By the time it was done we were both exhausted and had to go straight to bed.

I am still recovering today.

And by marathon I mean we ate pizza and drank beer and watched a marathon of project runway until one am. It was FABULOUS. And now Kim is all caught up.

On another note, I think my muscle is healing quite nicely (despite my instance on wearing both heels and flipflops) and I started running again.

I dont like it any more than I did before.

When I swim I always get to this point past the tiredness (usually after 15 laps or so) where my body just kicks in to overdrive and I could swim forever. Two miles isnt any harder than one.

But i havent gotten there when I run.

Does that place exist?

Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun.
Oh,girls, They wanna have fun.
Oh,girls, Just wanna have
That’s all they really want…..
Some fun….

When the working day is done,
Oh,girls,They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls, Just wanna have fun…

Cindy Lauper

(I have been behaving so Jamie Stories have been few and far between)

(but since you asked for it… finally a real post)

(sort of)

*read in valley girl speak*

Oh my God! I had, like, the most totally radical night EVER, for sure, for sure! I mean it was like, so totally gnarly!

It was my friend Mirandas birthday, and like, we totally wanted to do something fun, right. Right! So we totally dressed up in our most bitchin 80’s ‘fits and went down to SHOUT a dueling piano bar downtown for their 80’s night. And there is no cover if you wear a bodacious 80’s outfit, so we totally got in for free! Isnt that the best! To say the least! For sure, for sure!

I wore this like, totally adoreable outfit with my most cute leggins and a skirt. And of course I had this like, totally amazing side ponytail and huge plastic hoop earrings. And the other girls had on cut off sweatshirt that looked just like flashdance! (what a feeling) But Miranda like, totally outdid us. She had on these legwarmers that were totally the bomb. As if! But it was, like, her birthday so I was just like, whatever!

When we got to Shout it was totally a drag at first, but then the music was so total tubular and the drinks were so totally cheap (a dollar for bush lite taps or vodka and redbulls, and two dollars for captian and cokes or pop rocks and capri sun shots) that soon people were like, crazy!

The girls and I were dancing in the streets!

And on the stage!

and on the panio!

But really I was like, so totally behaved (as far as behaving goes) and only drank dollar beers. And I only bought three (free ones dont cont) And pretty soon its was like this huge … wedding reception or something. I mean people just laughing and drinking and dancing and singing really loud with strangers.

There was this like, totally cutealicuos clydesdale that wanted to be my boy toy. And we were like dancing to some serious Bon Jovi and he kissed me. GRODY! It wasnt like, a good kiss it was more like he smashed his drunk face into my lips. On purpose. I mean , I dont even KNOW him, for sure, for sure. And I am so not a bimbette. I was all like “ewww” and my friends were all like “ewwww” and then they totally rescued me. What a dweeb-o-rama! That is so lame!

And I totally turned on him and was like “Dude! Gag me with a credit card and stick me back in layway! That Ninja turtle needs to go back in his half shell for sure for sure!”

Some men just need to learn to save their joystick for their atari.

Anyways…

The night was a BLAST and I was so stoked by all the songs they were playing… I mean some of my favorite songs from my favorite artists. It was like, so tototally totally wicked man!

from Vanilla Ice (Ice Ice Baby)and New Kids on the Block (Hanging Tough)

to Journey (Lovin Touchin Squeezin) and Queen (fat bottom girls. one of the best songs EVER) and AC/DC (you shook me all night long)

and Billy Joel (who is one of my all time favorites) (uptown girl) and Micheal Jackson (Beat it)and John Melencamp (Jack and Diane)and Soft Cell. (Tainted Love) and Pat Benatar (hit me with your best shot)

They even played Sweet Child of Mine (my favorite song EVER) and Paradise City by my BOYFRIEND Axel Rose (he is such a choice peice of meat)

By the end of the night we were out.of.control. I have never ever ever had that much fun in a bar ever. It was like… the best night EVER! for SURE! We may have gotten a little crazy like but girls, they wanna have fun (they just wanna)

(the family is SO SO CUTE. The baby is SO SO CUTE. Kathys nightgown… not so much. tee hee. jerks forever!)

It amazing watching people you love meet and fall in love and get married and start a family. I met Tim and Kathy Grunditz almost 7 years ago when the Rock first began. We were young and passionate and just learning what it meant to be an adult and to be a follower of God.

They have always always been good to me, and when my life was crashing last year it was them I called in tears and it was them who flew me home and let me stay at their house while I found stable ground again. They are my safe place and my my best friends.

We have been through alot together. I have watched and cheered as they found eachother, went through trails and heartache of letting go and learning to love, as they grew as a couple and as individuals. I comforted them when they broke up and believed that somehow they would find their way back together. And when they did, I stood beside them as the Maid of Honor at their wedding. I have watched them grow into their marriage and watched them prepare for parenthood the past year.

They are amazing amazing friends, and I know they will be amazing parents.

I am so so so happy for you both, I love you and I cant wait to meet Lucy tonight!

Happy Birthday lulu! Welcome to the world!

Random thoughts on marriage….

Kim and I play a game with some of our single friends sometimes called “My Husband”. It started one silly night when Tasha, Andrea, Kim and I went out after the Rock. We stayed after chrurch and talked about life and love and singleness until everyone else was gone, and then we ate at a local diner where we laughed so hard I peed two drops. We were being shallow and silly and girly and started to invent “husbands” for each of us.

“Girls I am so glad our husbands are having a boys night so we geet to hang out”

“I know, you and your husband are perfect for eachother”

“Kim remember at your wedding how I sang that song… etc etc”

At the diner we met a whole gaggle of crazy men that tried to convince us to come back to their house for a late night party. We considered for half a second, but remembered our “husbands” wouldnt like that.

Perfect!

I am going to call Kim and see if she wants dinner. I hope her husband doesnt mind.

*****************************************************

Since that time I have swung the pendulem from being a serial dater (a girls gotta eat) to swearing off men all together.

Now I think I am somewhere in the middle.

I still believe in love and romance and some version of fighting for your happily ever after. But I dont need it. I would rather be single and learn how to serve and love and live then be married and be miserable just for the sake of making my imaginary husband real.

Because I want more than the wedding day and the white dress and a fairy tale.

I dont just want the happily… I want the ever after part. The messy part. The coming together because you are better and stronger and a fuller picture of Christ part.

This is the first time in my life I have no man, and no desire for one. I have no crushes. I have no one waiting in the wings… and I am content.

And its kind of an unnerving crazy feeling.

*****************************************************
I was talking to some girlfriends the other day about marriage and ministry, and I said I think I could be really content marrying someone who was in full time ministry and just being a wife and a mother. I would love having people over, I wouldnt mind the 2am phone calls, and I would feel like I was making a difference.

I would feel like I was helping my husband, and that we were a team.

You would have thought I shot womans lib back a hundred years… questions flew at me asking why didnt I want to do full time ministry and why couldnt I serve or make the money etc etc.

And I said I thought that serving my family and my husband and my church would be full time ministry.

And I started to doubt myself . Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am selling myself short.

But I talked to my best friends Susie and Kathy, who are both married to men in the ministry, and they seem content and happy and enjoy their roles.

My theory is life changes and we change and ministry changes with it. Right now I am a single woman. What I do and how I serve will be totally different now than when I am married. That doesnt make one way more righteous, just different.

*****************************************************

Tasha sent me a postcard the other day. It made me laugh really hard…

I am sitting in Kim’s room while she gets ready for her trip to Europe.

She has been going through her bedroom, strategically stashing all personal and incriminating documents so her mother cant find them when she house-sits.

She also has been asking questions about what to pack, including “What shoes should I take”

I suggested all of them, apparently not the right answer.

(She only has thirty or so pairs… they would totally fit in a suitcase)

She also said “What if all the food in England is boring”

And I reassured her it wouldn’t be. She would be sitting in a PUB eating FISH AND CHIPS, using words like BLOODY and WANKER, and TALLY HO and whatever it is British people say now a days.

While I am waiting I decided to check my email.

I had none. Except an email from BMG. Seriously. Someone drop a sister a line.

It has been a million degrees here.

And by a million I really mean mid 90’s. But that’s practically a million.

I am sure hell is this hot.

And heaven is like coming into air condition after being outside in the heat all day.

(That is profound really, if you think about it. I am so deep)

I am sunburned.

My beautiful golden tan is now a delightful blend of red and pink. And I love red and pink. But not so much as my skin tone. I look like a three year old colored me.

Rebecca and I spent all day at the lake yesterday. We walked downtown, ate outside on the patio, and took a bus to the lake.

I love the lake on hot days.

I love sitting on the beach and letting the sun beat down on my face and my body.

I love the contrast of the freezing lake water and the hot humid air.

I love the people running and walking and playing volleyball and swimming and flirting and teasing.

I love the smell of grass and lake and people grilling and suntan lotions all mixed together.

I love how alive everything is, and how laid back and relaxed it is all at the same time.

We spent hours laying in the sun, talking, reading (I brought three gossip magazines and The Undomestic Goddess) and playing in the water.

We even got up and bought ice cream from the ice-cream man as he made his way around the lake.

The only thing I DONT like at the lake is after years of life guarding it is hard for me not to yell at people, and get cranky when they get too far out and CLEARLY cant swim.

I keep telling Rebecca “I don’t even CARE if that man drowns; I am not saving his ass”

But I would have.

Later that night we walked to uptown and decided it didn’t even matter that we were both all
dirty and smelly from being at the beach all day.

We sat on the patio of Williams bar, and enjoyed the dollar burgers and fifty cent fries, and one fifty pints of beer. (How can you not love a burger fries and a beer for three dollars!)

A band set up in the park across from Williams and we just sat and drank our beers and listened to them jam.

When I came home I discovered my landlord had set the sprinkler on the sidewalk to water the grass.

I ran through it to get to the porch, and then decided it was so much fun that I sat down my bag, kicked off my shoes, and ran through it again and again.

Why don’t more adults play in the sprinklers?

Then today I got up and walked to my favorite coffee shop and checked my email and finished my book.

Then I went to the store, bought brats and chips, and headed over to Kathy and Tim’s for a barbeque.

I love Tim and Kathy. They are two of my very favorite people. I met them almost seven years ago, and they have been my best friends ever since. I was maid of honor at their wedding. It has been so fun to watch them transition from singles, to dating, to married, and now to parenthood.

When I am hanging out with them it is like coming home.

I was so nice just to sit in the sun and eat brats and drink beer and laugh and enjoy them.

I didn’t even mind that everyone else who came was married, and most of them had children. It amazes me that almost all my friends are married.

I am starting to think I may be a late bloomer.

On the flip side I have been engaged more times than most people, so it isn’t like I haven’t had possibilities. I am just picky.

Speaking of picky, (I love Kim) after the barbeque I met Kim at the mall and we went to DSW to try to find me some new running shoes.

I signed up with a class that meets and runs every Monday Night for 10 weeks to get you ready for a 5k.

It cost fifty dollars, but I figured it would be great motivation and accountability…
PLUS you have to buy new shoes!

How have I not been a runner all my life… I mean the only equipment needed is SHOES!

I couldn’t decide on what shoes to buy, so we went and got dinner and rented a movie instead.

It was nice to just to sit in the air conditioner.

Plus I have to be nice to Kim, because one day she promises to give me a laptop so I can finish (and start if you want to be technical) my book. A chick lit book. Which will be highly entertaining and make me a ton of money.

And it will be about me (because it all comes back to me really). And it will be true, except the parts I make up and exaggerate.

And now Kim (or Kimwanda as I will refer to her secretly in my book) is done.

So I simply must be going!

TALLY HO!

(Hee.)