Life As an Afterschool Special

I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving God

Maybe I was mad this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

And that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God

~Sara Groves Maybe There’s A Loving God

Last night that song was running over and over in my head…

I went out with four girlfriends to celebrate my friend Rebeccas birthday.

I got dressed in my new sundress

and threw on some flipflops and put my hair in a ponytail put on my oversized sunglasses and headed out the door with no flair and no purse. There is something about wearing a sundress and flip flops that makes you feel beautiful and feminine and lovely without any effort. I love being a girl.

We met at French Meadow and sat outside on the patio where we traded secrets and laughter and smiles over a bottle of good red wine and some salad and cheesecake.

We were planning on going to Mels Beauty Bar after dinner, but it was so beautiful out and we were having such a good time talking that we decided to have a small bonfire instead.

Rebecca and Miranda went and got Rebeccas guitar and then started the fire and Amanda and I went to my house and picked up my snowcone maker and then went to the liquor store and bought mixings for “big girl slushies”

We all met back at the house and I went inside and made everyone drinks and then came outside and joined the group around the fire.

We talked about love, and loss, and God… and we sang as Miranda played the guitar. It was an amazing mix of serious and silly. (We sang some worship songs, and we also made up songs to God like “Oh where is my husband, oh where is my husband, oh where, where, oh where, oh where oh where, is my husband.” Hee.)

We all talked about why we loved Rebecca and how she has blessed our lives with her compassion, her heart for God, her playfulness, and her friendship.

We went through a pitcher and a half of big girl slushie.

After the fire had died down the four of us kicked off our sandles and laid on an old quilt on our backs and looked up at the stars and the trees and the moving clouds and we prayed together.

It was one of thoes moments where you really feel connected to eachother, and stronger because of each other. It was one of thoes moments where you felt friendship and sisterhood and love so deep and so true and so real it almost took your breath away.

It was one of thoes moments where the spirit of God is so strong and so real you feel like you can reach out and touch it and wrap it around you and never ever let it go.

It was one of thoes moments where everything around you feels so big, and God seems so big and so real, and you seem so small.

And you cant help but think He made the universe and everything in it.

He knows the number of stars in the sky and yet He knows your name.

He had a plan for you even before you were born. He knows everything about you, and he loves you.

And that amazes me.

I came home last night so thankful for good times, and for good friendships, but above all thankful for such a good God.

I forgot! I wanted to post the kick ass mothers day card Kim and I got for Kathy. It was technically Kathys first mothers day, she is due in the beginning of Aug. YAY for baby Lucy!

Kathy reminded me about this card on her blog .

hee. we are so funny

*edited to fix grammer*

On Friday I went out with some friends after work.
I started drinking at 5:15. I was in bed by 10:15.
They call them Zombies for a reason.
And even if you are at casual cocktail Friday and other people are buying, consuming more than one Zombie an hour is NOT a good idea.
Also, calling everyone you know after you have drunk them may or may not be the wisest idea ever.
(But YAY for me that I didn’t call a single ex!)
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On Saturday I enjoyed a chick day.
I went to the mall (where I got a freaking EIGHTY dollar gift certificate for trying on jeans at old navy and telling them what I thought. I got PAID TO SHOP. Hello died and gone to heaven)
Then I met Kim and Kathy for lunch.
Then Kathy and I went and got pedicures.
There is nothing like a pedicure to make you feel beautiful and girlie and pampered.
And after our pedicures we went and bought new open toes high heels.
My toes are SO cute. Seriously. If I had a camera I would take a picture. They are pink with a white flower hand painted on them and they look SO cute in my new white shoes.
Why is usually Asian ladies who work at nail places?
Seriously. Have you ever wondered that?
After our pedicures watched a movie and then met Ann for pancakes for dinner.
They were the worst pancakes EVER.
I didn’t even know pancakes could be bad.
But they were the most vile tasteless pancakes ever made in the history of the Americas.
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On Sunday I got up early and went to the gym and ran on the treadmill.
I love the feeling when you are sweaty and have pushed your body hard. It makes you feel alive and strong and beautiful. After I ran I went tanning, and then caught the light rail to the mall.
Why do men hit on woman on the bus and light rail? What is about me that says… “Man I would love to date someone who takes public transportation”
And why do men hit on you when you have just ran on the treadmill for an hour and sweated like a pig and haven’t showered and now you are stinky and have no makeup on and wearing yoga pants and a yoga jacket.
Because if you hit on me when I look/smell like that I won’t date you just because you have bad taste.
Seriously. Have some standards.
I went to the mall and then met Sally for lunch at subway.
Then I came home and showered and took Susie out for Tai food for mother’s day.
While we were at the restaurant Rebecca called and said her boyfriend had broken up with her.
So we finished dinner, went and bought some chocolate, and headed over for post traumatic breakup duty.
*This is where I rant*
Can someone PLEASE explain to me why Christian men with a good heads on their shoulders become idiots when it comes to relationships?
And someone explain to me why they think “its not you, it’s me” or “I just have this FEELING” or “God said” is EVER a good breakup line?
I don’t understand how a man can say “I am attracted to you, we have the same goals, we have the same vision, and you are one of my best friends” but I just FEEL like we shouldn’t be together.
Stupid “god card”
It makes no sense.
Don’t you think, as Christians, we super spiritualize things?
And maybe it’s just because I didn’t grow up “in the church” but I honestly don’t get how everything can be right and yet they “feel” something is wrong and that’s what they go with.
Didn’t they “feel” like everything was sunshiny last week?
It makes me cranky.
It makes me crazy.
*End rant*
We told a story about Susie’s daughter. Who is amazing and beautiful and articulate and inquisitive? Sometimes too articulate and inquisitive. While shopping at the grocery store Susie and her daughter ran into a woman with a beard and a mustache. The daughter turned to her mom and said “Is that a woman or a man? It looks like a lady, but she has hair on her face” My friend didn’t answer so she asked again louder. “Is that a lady with a beard?”
Hee. We may be single… but at least we arent hairy.
(And we have GREAT toes)
So we hung out and had girl talk and cried a little and laughed a lot and prayed together…
I called a friend on the way home, which made me smile and laugh and stay up way later than I wanted. But it was worth it.
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So that is my weekend. Full of girliness and drama. It was perfect. And completely exhausting

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin’ ’bout soccer
And how every man’s just the same
We made speculation
On the who’s and the when’s of our futures
And how everyone’s lonely
But still we just couldn’t complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I’m just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I’ll make it okay
I’m given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I’m so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it’s not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day’s been crazy
But everything’s happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
‘Cause You knew how You’d save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can’t plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Caedmon’s Call
Table for Two

That song has been running in my head all morning…

Yesterday I got home from work, grabbed some scissors and cut down some lilacs.

They are finally blooming, and I think the smell is intoxicating and delicious and beautiful and comforting.

Then took my vase and I went in my room and turned on some Violet Burning and attempted to do my “homework”

I was supposed to come up with 25 things that are good about me… and that I love about myself.

And I could only name five.

Only five.

I threw myself on my bed and started to cry.

It felt good to cry… to just let go of the frustration and hurt and anger and just cry.

And I was being silly and slightly overdramatic…

But it was comforting.

Then my friend Kim called and we agreed to meet at my house that evening for cocktails.

So, Kim and I spent another late night over drinks

Talkin’ ’bout love

And how every man’s just the same.

We made speculation

On the who’s and the when’s of our futures

And how everyone’s lonely

But still we just couldn’t complain

Well, maybe we could complain a little.

But just a little.

I adore Kim.

She is sassy, and sympathetic, and strong.

Although she would tell you she is none of thoes things.

She is one of the handful of people I truly consider a friend in every meaning of the word.

And even when I am hard to love, she reminds me that I am loveable.

And she reminds me that there is way more then five things that are good about me.

We sat down at one my favorite bars and had a drink and played the jukebox.

And we talked about love and loss.

And how important good friends are.

And how all this is just a journey. And how we are making progress.

And how each time we discover what we dont want we get one step closer to what we do want.

We talked about deep old wounds, and new fresh ones.

And we laughed.

She laughed at me when I called the bouncer sporty spice and asked if his job was to look pretty.

And when I told the man outside that the wonderous punch was wonderous.

It was exactly what I needed.

It was perfect.

and today I keep thinking about Table for two…

And how we just hate being alone

And wondering if I could have missed my only chance

And now I’m just wasting my time

By looking around

But you know I know better

I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothing

Cause if the birds and the flowers survive

Then I’ll make it okay.

and I will.

with God. and good friends. and lilacs. and a little bit of liquor. and a lot love.

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you’re on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

~Beatles

I really do have amazing friends…

Last week I was so so so sick. I don’t think I have ever felt that sick.

I couldn’t keep anything down, I was in horrible pain… and I was miserable.

I went the ER three times, and was finally admitted last Friday.

I stayed in the hospital until Sunday with severe dehydration… low blood sugar… and an inflamed gall bladder due to gall stones.

It was hard for me to be far away from my family when I was so sick and so scared.

I felt afraid and alone and frustrated.

But I wasn’t alone.

I have an amazing circle of friends who stepped up and took care of me.

When I was sick and couldn’t eat and couldn’t leave my house they brought broth and crackers and medicines and popsicles and flowers… they ordered me food and charged it to their credit card and had it sent to my house…

They sat with me, and loved me, even when I was puking into a family size ice cream bucket.

My friend is a doctor, and all week she was patient and answered my questions and made a very scary process seem less scary…

All my friends encouraged me, sometimes quite forcefully to suck it up and go to the hospital… even when I was being stubborn and didn’t want to go.

And the three times I did go, my friends came and sat with me until the middle of the night. One even slept on the floor in the ER until 5 am.

When I was admitted to the hospital, they called quite often, and sent text messages, and came and sat with me. They all made sure I was okay, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

They dropped what they were doing to take care of me… to pick me up and take me home from the hospital.

They were all good to me.

I have friends that are close to me and other friends from all over the country, and this week they have poured out their love in such tangible ways.

All this week they have checked up on me, and given me time and space to heal.

But the truth is loneliness still creeps up at times… frustration still gets the better of me… my body is still healing and I am still very tired at times… I want to feel sorry for myself… but then my friends hold me close and I am reminded once again of how blessed I am.

Yesterday I was walking home from work feeling sad and lonely.

It was a hard two week, and I miss my friends and my family more than I can say.

It upset me that it was Easter weekend and I had no plans…

I felt alone.

Even though I am feeling better I am still really worn down. And even though all I do at work is sit and answer the phone I am so tired at night I go home and lay down. And it frustrates me to not be able to do all the things I usually do.

I was lonely and frustrated and tired of walking…

I almost worked myself into tears by the time I got to my house…

And then I checked my mailbox and found five cards from my girlfriends.

They all wrote to let me know I was loved and they were thinking about me…

And then I DID cry… not because I was sad or lonely… but because I AM loved, and so lucky, and so blessed.

And today I talked to my friends, and my Easter, which was once going to be filled with loneliness, is now filled with friends and the promise of laughter and love.

So I get by with a little help from my friends….

And I survive with a little help from my friends…

I love you all, and I am more thankful than you will ever know.

I was evil last night.

But I cant help it.

I live in a house with ten woman, and we all have different schedules.

Mine happens to include 4 am mornings.

The girl who has the room next to me happens to include 2 am nights.

We dont always get along.

She is so loud all the time, and last night I just had enough.

She was talking so loudly she woke me up from my sleep.

This usually means she is talking on her cell phone.

And I was so tired and so frursterated that I flew out of my bed and banged on her door.

“Will you just be quiet” I yelled.

“Sorry” she answered. “Sometime I like to pray aloud”

At this point I should have apologized for yelling and returned to bed. I mean the girl was PRAYING for crying out loud.

But I did not.

In fact I yelled “Well Jesus can hear you just fine in your head” and slammed the door.

Hee.

I am so good at loving my neighbor.

or not.

Did I mention I am a big fat sinner. Who rarely sleeps.

Last night I hung out with the girls from my small group and played cranium.

I laughed so hard I may have peed two drops.

One of my favorite moments came when my team picked “data head” and were give a true or false question

“True or false… one of the ten commandments states that thou shall not covet thy neighbors ass.”

WHAT?!

So, my team, being amazing Godly woman that we are, laughed and said no… that isnt a commandent, unless you are reading out of the ebonics bible or something.

Do not covet thy neighbors ass or his crib.

hee.

and we were WRONG. Its TRUE. It is part of the tenth commandment. Its refering to livestock.

Who knew!

We got the only bible question of the whole game wrong!

Later one of the teams had to draw “underwear” and drew a stick figure and little shorts on him. She kept pointing to the shorts until Carol yelled… Thy Neighbors ass.

Ha.

I love my small group. It is an amazing amazing blend of serious and silly. Deep moments and tears and shared giggles. I feel safe when I am with them. And I feel loved. And I feel a little bit stronger everytime I leave them.

They refresh me and revive me and show me Gods love. And for that I am greatful.

hee.

neighbors ass.

I lied.

When I said I was strong.

When I said I was ok.

When I said I was taking back control.

It was a lie.

I want to be strong for the people who love me. I want to be ok because they want it so badly for me. I want to be normal for them. But it is a lie.

What happened to me is just as real right now as it was two months ago.

And even though people around me move on, stop talking about it, and stop asking questions, it is just as much a part of my everyday life as it was.

It isn’t just something that happened to me….it’s a part of who I am and who I have become.

I am afraid people are tired of my tears, not because they don’t love me, but because they do. They want to believe I am happy, that I am better, that I am strong.

And so I fight, more for them then for myself.

I fight and smile and say I am strong when I know it is a lie.

And I cant do it anymore.

I just can’t.

And there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. I dont understand why this is all happening or when it will stop. It is beoynd reason and explaination. There is no explanation, no words, no way to make sense of any of this or a way to make it right.

It doesnt change anything.

This week I saw him, and everything came to a screeching halt.

I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move.

I felt powerless all over again.

Then I willed myself to shift gears and keep driving. I lied to myself and said it didn’t matter and I was strong, but I wasn’t.

This week I came home from work and the door was unlocked. I walked inside and heard noise coming from the downstairs bathroom.

I ran out of the house and called Brian and Lisa to come to my house and make sure someone wasn’t in it.

I stood in my backyard for ten minutes and tried to convince myself not to panic and that I was safe.

And when Brian and Lisa came over and checked my house (my dog was locked in the bathroom) I didn’t panic.

I smiled and thanked them and let them go and lied to myself and to them and said it was ok even though I was terrified and I wanted them to stay.

This week a cop that was called to my house said that my ex finace was going to kill me or get caught trying. He said he has worked countless cases like mine, and they all have the same ending.

I lied to myself and to him and said that I was ok, that I was strong, that I was different then all those other woman, even though I know I am not.

This week I got into fights with the people I am closest to. And I was left feeling even more alone, more discouraged, and more afraid then before.

And then I lied to both myself and to them, and said it was ok and that I felt better, even though I was terrified I was losing them and just wanted and needed reassurance…

This week I walked into the kitchen as my sister called me to make sure everything was ok, and while she was on the phone someone knocked on the back door.

I screamed.

I paniced.

I physically, emotionally, and mentally flashed back to what had happened in that spot, while I was on the phone, two months ago.

It was like no time had passed.

I could see him, I could smell him, I could feel him even though I was all alone in the kitchen.

Erica yelled into the phone to see why I had screamed, and Steve yelled at the back door that it was ok, it was just him.

And I stood frozen and didn’t answer either of them.

It was so so real to me. And when I finally did open the door I didn’t know how to explain to Erica and Steve what exactly happened.

Because to them it was just someone knocking on the backdoor while I was in the kitchen on the phone.

And even though they understand that I am afraid, they cant understand that is so so much more real then just fear.

Its like I re-experience it all over again.

So I smiled and lied to myself and to them and said it wasn’t a big deal and then I went and took and shower and cried.

This week I went on dates with different boys. Who were amazing and sweet. And I even had a good time.

But the truth is I lied to myself and to others and said I was ok, and I was moving on with my life, when the truth is I am terrified at the idea of being with someone, allowing them in, and being intimate.

And I am so so afraid I will always feel like this.

This week Erica yelled at me for not being completely honest with everyone.

She said I only tell parts of the story that I feel comfortable with, and people close to me never really know exactly what is happening with me.

Which is true. I lie to them and I lie to myself.

The truth is it was actually a really really hard week, and as much as I have tried to seem strong, and normal, and in control, it is a lie.

I should be better. I shouldn’t feel like this. I should move on.

But I cant.

People tell me they worry about me, that they think fear is controlling me, and its true.

But it is so so so real to me.

I never know what will bring the fear back.

Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.

I cant explain why I feel afraid, or sad, or alone.

Sometimes it is a word, or the way someone says it.

Sometimes it is a smell.

Or a knock at the door.

Or a car that looks like his.

It can be anything, and the memories come flooding back.

And they aren’t just memories. I feel everything all over again. I relive that night.

And it doesn’t get any easier.

Maybe if I just had a moment to breathe… to relax… but when someone pounds on my door or tries to get into my house or throws a brick through my window or I see him the fear is just as real, just as present. And that’s my reality.

Maybe someone else could be stronger.

Maybe they could handle all this and be ok. But it too much, too often, for me. It just never stops.

This week Amy asked me if I was suicidal. And I said no. And then I turned on the shower and cried. Bececause I lied.

I am not ok, I am not strong, and I am not taking control.

I am afraid.

I do feel out of control.

And most of all, I feel alone…

I want to be strong for the people who love me, but I cant do this anymore.

I just cant do this anymore…..

And I am sorry….

Even when I have to push to see how far you’d go

Its been a really really long and hard month.

I am a mess.

And I am pushing everyone who loves me away.

I hate how my life feels upside down and out of control.

I hate that I cant stay at my house alone, that I am always afraid, that I feel so so needy.

I hate how much I want to be loved, and I hate how hard I am becoming to love.

Amy, Erica, Lisa, and Katie have all gotten mad at me this week… And told me nothing they do is good enough and I am pushing them away. They have all said that they don’t know what I want.

How could they? I don’t know what I want.

I am angry and hurt and overwhelmed and confused.

I feel like glass inside.

I need constant reassurace that I am loved, that they aren’t going anywhere. I feel alone.

I am difficult to love right now, and I know it. And that makes me petrified that people are going to walk away and then I really WILL be alone.

And sometimes I want to be consoled and comforted, and other times the attempts at comforting me just make me angry. Because in a lot of ways, there really is no comfort.

I want them to tell me they know how hard it is for me, and then I get mad because they don’t know how hard it is because its not happening to them.

I want to be distracted and I want to not worry, and then I get mad when they tell me not to worry because this is all very real to me, and very fresh, and I cant just not worry about it.

I am a walking contradiction of needs.

And I am so so needy. And so so demanding.

And they have all been there for me in so many ways.

Katie has spent countless nights on the phone listening to me cry, letting me be silent, waiting for me to finally fall asleep. She came to stay with me when everyone else went out of town, and held me when I broke down.

Lisa has let me yell and scream about how frustrated I am. She has let me cry. She and her husband drive by my house, check on me, offer to let me stay at their house, and even spent the night on my livingroom floor last week because Matt had come over and the police had let him go and I was terrified that he would come back.

Erica has gone out of her way to spend time with me, serve me, and understand. She sat with me in the hospital, has gotten out of bed in the middle of the night because I was a mess and afraid I would hurt myself, and she has tried to be patient. She has driven me to our parents house and stayed with me so I didn’t have to be alone.

Amy has held my hand when I am afraid, held me close when I cried, listened to me yell, and let me talk. She has taken measures to make sure I am ok, and that I don’t hurt myself.

All four of them have loved me through the hardest time in my life… And all I do is push them away.

I wish I could tell them in a way that they understood how incredibly grateful I am for all of them… How much I adore them… How much I need them.

I wish they understood that I couldn’t get though this without them.

I wish they knew hoe sorry I was….

I wish I was easier to love right now.

I just wish everything was different.

and since I always say it better in a song

For Katie, Lisa, Erica, and Amy…

SARAH McLACHLAN

“Push”

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ’cause you’re to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

I decided to write a not depressing post today….

and since I have not yet wrote about Katies visit to columbus, I decided to write about her.

Top ten reasons why Katie Jo is one of my top ten favorite people.

(yes I do have a ranking system)

10. She is a really fun drunk for the ten minutes she can hold her liquor before she starts vomiting. And she puts up with all my drunk dials.

9. She sees such beauty in everyday things. She thinks old buildings and numbers and cracks in the road and airports and butterflies can be beautiful things. And she takes amazing pictures.

8. She is like a little kid sometimes. She gets excited about little things, like her very own shiny lifeguard whistle from my work. And she will blow bubbles with me and play playdough. She makes almost any any activity fun. I laughed so hard playing Bingo (stupid instants) that I got a headache.

7. She is a big crybaby. She lets me be a crybaby. And she pets my head and lets me cry.

6. She is fiesty as hell. And she is one of the most stubborn people I have ever met. You cant convince her to do anything she doesnt want to do (especially go swimming). And she has a black belt. And she can be a hard ass when she isnt being a crybaby. And she isnt afarid to kick some ass or call the police from a time zone away. and she brought me a bat and named him rawly.

5. She doesnt yell at me when I drive. Even when she has to grab the wheel because I am driving off the road.

4. She lets me call her when I am upset and NOT talk . She will sit on the phone with neither of us saying anything for hours and hours. And she listens to me when I want to talk. Even if I am angry or rambling or drunk and not making sense and have a pillow over my face as I am talking. And when I call her and cry so hard that I cant breathe she makes me breathe until I calm down and then convinces me it will be ok…

3. She reads me bedtimes stories when I call her at 2am and cant sleep.

2. She understands what makes cowboys so sexy. And she doesnt even mind that my counrty boyfriend is Toby Keith, who could totally kick Brad Paisleys ass. And she will sing country music with the radio as loud as it goes and all the windows down with me.

1. She is an amazing friend. And she is loyal. And she is compassionate. And she has been there for me in a million ways that she will never understand.