Life As an Afterschool Special

I shared these opinions as Part 2 because I think they represent how a majority of us view single Christians in both a positive and negative light.

My conclusion is there is not a one size fits all answer. People are complicated beings, and love is messy. We don’t all share the same background or lifestyle, therefore we can’t possibly have the same reasons for why we are single. I am guessing, in diving more more into this topic, we will discover there isn’t a one size fits all answer in how to live out single life either.

All the discussion of singleness has lead me to question my own situation and singleness.

I spent six out of the ten adult years of my life dating and engaged to Matt, and another three dealing with the consequences of that choice. Actually I still deal with the consequence of that choice.

While there have been times that I have worried that I spent the majority of my adult life with a man so clearly wrong for me and in the process of doing so missed my chance at love and marriage, in my heart of hearts I don’t really believe that to be true.

I think I will get married. I think one day there will be a man who knows me and loves me just as I am and yet hopes for me and wants to see me grow into the strong woman of God I can be. While often the lies of men who have hurt me play in my head about how hard I am to love and about everything wrong that I do and am, I am learning to hold to the truth.

And (this is where I may sound vain) I know men like me. I date. More then I should at times. But I know some men find me cute, and fun, and sweet. I know I am fiercely loyal and supportive and encouraging. Because of those things and more I think I will make an amazing wife one day, and I think the spiritual gifts I have along with my experience will allow me to become a good “helpmate”. I think God created me like and for that. I think I greatly desire to be a wife and a mother, and I believe that God placed that want on my heart and He is good and faithful.

So why am I 28 and still single if I am so amazing? (I know, I ask myself that all the time. Heh.)

I think my friends had amazing answers to these questions… my answers:

The first answer is because of Gods timing. I agree with Lydia. He is shaping me and molding me to the woman I know He wants me to be. I have experienced a lot of pain and heartache, and I do have issues and baggage that will take many years to overcome, but I am overcoming. I am growing and running the race. Slowly at times, and sometimes my run is more of a crawl, but I am learning through my successes and failures. I am becoming a woman of substance and a woman of courage and a woman of strength and faith. My walk is more real now than it ever was, and I know I can face almost anything.

So I am still single because I am still in a place where I am becoming “me” and because of God timing. I am also still single because between the ages of 18 and 24 I dated the same man, and between 24 and 27 had to run from him. And that is honestly the time when everyone around me was falling in love with people from college and church and such and getting married.

The truth is Jeff and Hannah are right. The dating pool has shrunk. There are a lot less people out there who are looking then there was when I was 18. And a lot fewer places to find someone. I have been at the same church for 8 years, I don’t go to college anymore… where do I find fun attractive single men with good taste in music who love Jesus?

Also… I am picky. I have been really really really hurt. And betrayed in some of the worst ways you can be by someone you love. And even though at times I may seem like an open book, those who know me well know it takes me a long long long time to trust. I stay surfacy for way longer than I should because I am afraid of people knowing the real me and getting hurt. So I stay shallow and silly and fun and flirty and guard my heart and dont let people really in (even though some may think they are). So in that regard Steve is right. I am single because I am broken, and I don’t trust.

And while I am being honest, I will admit I have only been seriously interested and “dating” (not to be confused with going on dates) four men since I was 18. And Matt was one of them, and two of them were long distance. So if I am honest, while I have lots of experience flirting and going on dates, I am actually kind of new when it comes to having good healthy long lasting relationships. In some way I kind of suck at it.

So there you have it. I am amazing, but I am single for all those reasons and more.

And I am ok with it. Usually. I want to get married. I think I will get married. Sometimes I worry because I know loving me wont always be easy, but I really do think I am a good catch and worth fighting for.

So that is WHY I think I am single… now… How to live it out becomes the issue.

As a Christian single can you “date”? And if you do what are the physical boundaries? Where are you supposed to find these single people? What are you supposed to look for? What is appropriate single relationships look like?

Because what Sex in the City tell you you are supposed to look like and what I Kissed Dating Goodbye tell you are polar opposites.

And I find myself in the Grey middle.

I have been thinking about this topic for a while but for now I will make this a small blog series while I formulate my thoughts… please let me know what you think and your opinions and ideas…

PART ONE

My roommate and I have a secret addiction to Sex in the City. We own the DVDs and watch episodes when they come on TV. We uses “City-isms” in referring to men. When in a discussion about men you can often hear us saying “He is so your Big” and “He is a turtle. Total fixer upper” Krista is a Charlotte and I am Carrie. We mesh well. The series makes us laugh and cry and think and feel good about being strong and being single.

The truth is, series or not, I actually like being single. It may be my commitment phobia talking or my terrible past experience, but at this moment I truly enjoy being single in the city. I am city girl.

I love my overly girly duplex. I love that I have a Marilyn Monroe picture and sewing bust with a vintage dress on it in my living room. I love that we used pinks and oranges and deep reds to decorate the house, and my books and DVDs are arranged by color because that’s what I think looks the best. (It tends to drive men and some woman crazy) I love that I am short bus ride from downtown, and across the street from my favorite restaurants.

I love getting together with girlfriends and having a cocktail and seeing a band and dancing and getting home at whatever time I chose. I like buying shoes and furniture without having to worry about how my shopping affects someone else’s budget. I like being home alone and curling up in my favorite chair with a good book and not having to entertain anyone. I like dancing around my room in my underwear and taking as long as I like to get ready. I like takeout for one and leftovers, and eating spaghetti o’s right out of the can for dinner, and a fridge that has ice cream, wine, and pickles in it.

I like that there are opportunities out there. I like that men pursue me. I like that I don’t have to make any choices and fall in love with the next man who chases me, but I have the ability to. I like that I can decide what I need, and what is healthiest for me. I like dating. I like being wooed. I like the thrill of romance and even the heartbreak that comes with failed attempts. I like that I have great girlfriends and a great roommate to come home and talk and process with.

I like all the thing that make my life very Sex in The City. I like the shoes and the bars and the girlfriends and the dating and the coffee shops and the dancing.

But I am missing one thing in my Sex in the City lifestyle…

The Sex.

(Y’all didn’t think I was going to go there did you?)

I don’t have sex. The truth is, I don’t even kiss. I haven’t really kissed in over three years and I haven’t had sex in much much much longer.

And I have been thinking about how hard it can be to be 28 and a single christian girl in a sex in the city world.

You can begin to feel as if your only three options are marriage, promiscuity, or becoming the “cat lady”. You know what I am talking about. No one wants to be the lady who locks herself in her house and knits sweaters for her cats and has terrible taste in clothes and reads romance novels and dreams of being kidnapped by a pirate who looks like Fabio. (It is much better if the dreams involve a Johnny Depp Pirate. Then it is acceptable.)

As a single woman you can begin to feel as if to be empowered you must be sexual, and aggressive, and selfish. The alternative is to be boring, unattractive, and lonely.

That just isn’t true. And as much as I do love all the things I mentioned above, I love that I can be all those things and do all those things and still glorify God. I can be fun and fabulous and have a sexless in the city lifestyle.

But how?

You’re dangerous ’cause you’re honest
You’re dangerous, you don’t know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You’re an accident waiting to happen
You’re a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you’re not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

U2 Who’s Gonna Ride You’re Wild Horses

My friend recently said that he didnt think that I knew what I wanted. I have laid in bed the past few nights contemplating what he said, and today I spent most of my session with my pay a friend talking through it.

The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I have really honestly stopped to question what I want and also the first time anyone has ever confronted me on the fact that I might not know.

I usually know what I don’t want. But my friend reminded me that knowing what I don’t want is not the same as knowing what I want. And in many ways I have lived a lot of my life focusing on what I don’t want.

And the more I think about it, living a life based on what you don’t want is actually living a life of fear. Its about control. Because its easier to walk away from something you don’t want than let go of control and walk towards something you do.

Especially when you have to let down your guard and trust someone else to provide you with what you want. When what you want is not yours to take but rather someone elses to give.

And the truth is even after you know what you want you usually have to wait for it. And I am not good at that. I am the queen of instant gratification. I see something I want and I buy it. I see someone I like and I take it, and I tease and I pout and I manipulate until its mine.

But I am learning to wait, and I am learning to be honest with myself and others about what I do want.

And that is so so so scary for me.

So what do I want…

I am still not sure… but I have some ideas.

I want to be resonably happy. I want to let go of control. I want to let someone in. I want to learn to trust. I want to be used by God in real and tangible ways.

I want to continue to grow.

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to finish a book.

I want to let go and really fall in love. I want to let someone love me.

What do I want in a husband?

I am still figuring that out… but I know I want to find someone who loves Jesus and has a heart for people and for ministry and who makes me laugh and who I can talk to about anything and who will argue with me and stands up to be and won’t be manipluated.

I want someone who isnt afraid to push me and challenge me and ask me hard questions but is also careful with me and tender with me and knows I have pain and baggage.

I want someone who knows they have their own baggage, and isnt afraid to work on it and admit it.

I want someone I consider a best friend and someone who is passionate and someone who is loyal and someone who has integrity.

I want someone I feel safe with, I want someone who understands me. I want someone who knows that I like to be girlie and dress up and go out and entertain and be around people and that I also love to wear jeans and I don’t usually wear makeup and somedays I just want to stay at home and hang out and watch movies, and I want someone who accepts both sides of me. I want someone I dont have to pretend for. I want someone I dont have to change to make love me.

I want to not be afraid when I think I found him that I might lose him if I don’t control or manipulate the situation.

I want to let go and trust God and His will and His timing, and not cling desperately to something good when I find it.

I want to not be afraid to give him a name and a face.

But I am.

I am terrified of actually finding love and finding a man who is stronger than me and who I respect and who I will let go of control for.

I am terrified of admiting it. I am terrified that he won’t love me back, and even more terrifeid that he will.

I am terrified of being wrong.

And so I think I have to continue to try to be the person I want to be. I have to continue to grow and explore and change.

And I have to wait.

Because sometimes things worth wanting are worth waiting for.

And maybe its good for your soul to invest in something you cant control.

Random thoughts on marriage….

Kim and I play a game with some of our single friends sometimes called “My Husband”. It started one silly night when Tasha, Andrea, Kim and I went out after the Rock. We stayed after chrurch and talked about life and love and singleness until everyone else was gone, and then we ate at a local diner where we laughed so hard I peed two drops. We were being shallow and silly and girly and started to invent “husbands” for each of us.

“Girls I am so glad our husbands are having a boys night so we geet to hang out”

“I know, you and your husband are perfect for eachother”

“Kim remember at your wedding how I sang that song… etc etc”

At the diner we met a whole gaggle of crazy men that tried to convince us to come back to their house for a late night party. We considered for half a second, but remembered our “husbands” wouldnt like that.

Perfect!

I am going to call Kim and see if she wants dinner. I hope her husband doesnt mind.

*****************************************************

Since that time I have swung the pendulem from being a serial dater (a girls gotta eat) to swearing off men all together.

Now I think I am somewhere in the middle.

I still believe in love and romance and some version of fighting for your happily ever after. But I dont need it. I would rather be single and learn how to serve and love and live then be married and be miserable just for the sake of making my imaginary husband real.

Because I want more than the wedding day and the white dress and a fairy tale.

I dont just want the happily… I want the ever after part. The messy part. The coming together because you are better and stronger and a fuller picture of Christ part.

This is the first time in my life I have no man, and no desire for one. I have no crushes. I have no one waiting in the wings… and I am content.

And its kind of an unnerving crazy feeling.

*****************************************************
I was talking to some girlfriends the other day about marriage and ministry, and I said I think I could be really content marrying someone who was in full time ministry and just being a wife and a mother. I would love having people over, I wouldnt mind the 2am phone calls, and I would feel like I was making a difference.

I would feel like I was helping my husband, and that we were a team.

You would have thought I shot womans lib back a hundred years… questions flew at me asking why didnt I want to do full time ministry and why couldnt I serve or make the money etc etc.

And I said I thought that serving my family and my husband and my church would be full time ministry.

And I started to doubt myself . Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am selling myself short.

But I talked to my best friends Susie and Kathy, who are both married to men in the ministry, and they seem content and happy and enjoy their roles.

My theory is life changes and we change and ministry changes with it. Right now I am a single woman. What I do and how I serve will be totally different now than when I am married. That doesnt make one way more righteous, just different.

*****************************************************

Tasha sent me a postcard the other day. It made me laugh really hard…

Kim posted this on her blog… I thought it was fun… even if I DID get a horrid cheesy song…

So what is your theme song?

My Theme Song is Oops I Did It Again by Britney Spears

“It might seem like a crush
But it doesn’t mean that I’m serious”

Heartbreaker, superflirt, player… you’ve been called all of those.
You’re not that innocent, and you know that you have a super sexy vibe!
What’s Your Theme Song?

Take the quiz

*edited to fix grammer*

On Friday I went out with some friends after work.
I started drinking at 5:15. I was in bed by 10:15.
They call them Zombies for a reason.
And even if you are at casual cocktail Friday and other people are buying, consuming more than one Zombie an hour is NOT a good idea.
Also, calling everyone you know after you have drunk them may or may not be the wisest idea ever.
(But YAY for me that I didn’t call a single ex!)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
On Saturday I enjoyed a chick day.
I went to the mall (where I got a freaking EIGHTY dollar gift certificate for trying on jeans at old navy and telling them what I thought. I got PAID TO SHOP. Hello died and gone to heaven)
Then I met Kim and Kathy for lunch.
Then Kathy and I went and got pedicures.
There is nothing like a pedicure to make you feel beautiful and girlie and pampered.
And after our pedicures we went and bought new open toes high heels.
My toes are SO cute. Seriously. If I had a camera I would take a picture. They are pink with a white flower hand painted on them and they look SO cute in my new white shoes.
Why is usually Asian ladies who work at nail places?
Seriously. Have you ever wondered that?
After our pedicures watched a movie and then met Ann for pancakes for dinner.
They were the worst pancakes EVER.
I didn’t even know pancakes could be bad.
But they were the most vile tasteless pancakes ever made in the history of the Americas.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
On Sunday I got up early and went to the gym and ran on the treadmill.
I love the feeling when you are sweaty and have pushed your body hard. It makes you feel alive and strong and beautiful. After I ran I went tanning, and then caught the light rail to the mall.
Why do men hit on woman on the bus and light rail? What is about me that says… “Man I would love to date someone who takes public transportation”
And why do men hit on you when you have just ran on the treadmill for an hour and sweated like a pig and haven’t showered and now you are stinky and have no makeup on and wearing yoga pants and a yoga jacket.
Because if you hit on me when I look/smell like that I won’t date you just because you have bad taste.
Seriously. Have some standards.
I went to the mall and then met Sally for lunch at subway.
Then I came home and showered and took Susie out for Tai food for mother’s day.
While we were at the restaurant Rebecca called and said her boyfriend had broken up with her.
So we finished dinner, went and bought some chocolate, and headed over for post traumatic breakup duty.
*This is where I rant*
Can someone PLEASE explain to me why Christian men with a good heads on their shoulders become idiots when it comes to relationships?
And someone explain to me why they think “its not you, it’s me” or “I just have this FEELING” or “God said” is EVER a good breakup line?
I don’t understand how a man can say “I am attracted to you, we have the same goals, we have the same vision, and you are one of my best friends” but I just FEEL like we shouldn’t be together.
Stupid “god card”
It makes no sense.
Don’t you think, as Christians, we super spiritualize things?
And maybe it’s just because I didn’t grow up “in the church” but I honestly don’t get how everything can be right and yet they “feel” something is wrong and that’s what they go with.
Didn’t they “feel” like everything was sunshiny last week?
It makes me cranky.
It makes me crazy.
*End rant*
We told a story about Susie’s daughter. Who is amazing and beautiful and articulate and inquisitive? Sometimes too articulate and inquisitive. While shopping at the grocery store Susie and her daughter ran into a woman with a beard and a mustache. The daughter turned to her mom and said “Is that a woman or a man? It looks like a lady, but she has hair on her face” My friend didn’t answer so she asked again louder. “Is that a lady with a beard?”
Hee. We may be single… but at least we arent hairy.
(And we have GREAT toes)
So we hung out and had girl talk and cried a little and laughed a lot and prayed together…
I called a friend on the way home, which made me smile and laugh and stay up way later than I wanted. But it was worth it.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So that is my weekend. Full of girliness and drama. It was perfect. And completely exhausting

Saturday was beautiful here.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the smell of fresh cut lawns and new flowers filled the air.

It was perfect.

I threw on my favorite pair of jeans with a hole in the knee, a tank top, flip flops, and grabbed a sweater. I put my hair on top of my head in a messy ponytail and put on my oversized sunglasses that I love and everybody else hates.

I was relaxed and comfortable and in a great mood.

I grabbed the book I was reading and headed downtown.

I love the walk to downtown.

I love the way the sun reflects in the skyscrapers and the taxis and all the people milling about.

I walked to the heart of downtown and sat on the patio of one of favorite restaurants.

I ordered a glass of wine and some soup and opened my book.

A shadow fell across the pages and I looked up to see a man smiling at me.

He asks if he can sit at my table… and I look around and see ten empty tables… but agree.

He sits down, orders and dirty martini and another glass of wine for me, which I find interesting and amusing.

So I asked him if he is in the habit of sitting at tables with girls he doesn’t know.

He replied “no… But it is such a beautiful day, and I really liked the song they were playing overhead, and you were such a beautiful girl that I couldn’t help myself”

Shut up! Who says things like that? But he called me beautiful and I am in ripped jeans and ponytail and flip flops, so I let him stay.

He was carrying a shopping bag from Barnes and Noble and I asked him what he bought.

He pulled out children’s books and said he was shopping for his God daughter.

He said he owned a construction company, and he was the baby of six kids, and he grew up in the city.

We make small talk and he asks me if I want to go out sometime.

I said maybe.

So he gives me his card and says “Here is my number… no pressure. If you want we can go to church tomorrow and then have lunch. You call me if that sounds like something you want to do”

And then he pays for our drinks and leaves.

Shut up! Who does this happen to? It was like a scene out of a movie.

I debated all night on calling him and finally called him at 10:30 and agreed to meet him at church the next morning.

I had a really nice time. He was sweet, and handsome, and charming.

And after lunch he asked if we could go out again… and I said I didn’t think so.

Maybe I am crazy! This man is amazing and sweet and professes to love God.

But I know I am a mess. And I know I just got out of a relationship that my heart is still in and I am not really over. And I am still hurt, and angry.

And I don’t have a lot to give.

Even to a man who sits at my table and buys me drinks and tells me I am beautiful and invites me to church as a first date.

The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing… right?

(This blog may need to be renamed sexless in the city… I promise I have more to talk about than my love life or lack there of)

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin’ ’bout soccer
And how every man’s just the same
We made speculation
On the who’s and the when’s of our futures
And how everyone’s lonely
But still we just couldn’t complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I’m just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I’ll make it okay
I’m given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I’m so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it’s not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day’s been crazy
But everything’s happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
‘Cause You knew how You’d save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can’t plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Caedmon’s Call
Table for Two

That song has been running in my head all morning…

Yesterday I got home from work, grabbed some scissors and cut down some lilacs.

They are finally blooming, and I think the smell is intoxicating and delicious and beautiful and comforting.

Then took my vase and I went in my room and turned on some Violet Burning and attempted to do my “homework”

I was supposed to come up with 25 things that are good about me… and that I love about myself.

And I could only name five.

Only five.

I threw myself on my bed and started to cry.

It felt good to cry… to just let go of the frustration and hurt and anger and just cry.

And I was being silly and slightly overdramatic…

But it was comforting.

Then my friend Kim called and we agreed to meet at my house that evening for cocktails.

So, Kim and I spent another late night over drinks

Talkin’ ’bout love

And how every man’s just the same.

We made speculation

On the who’s and the when’s of our futures

And how everyone’s lonely

But still we just couldn’t complain

Well, maybe we could complain a little.

But just a little.

I adore Kim.

She is sassy, and sympathetic, and strong.

Although she would tell you she is none of thoes things.

She is one of the handful of people I truly consider a friend in every meaning of the word.

And even when I am hard to love, she reminds me that I am loveable.

And she reminds me that there is way more then five things that are good about me.

We sat down at one my favorite bars and had a drink and played the jukebox.

And we talked about love and loss.

And how important good friends are.

And how all this is just a journey. And how we are making progress.

And how each time we discover what we dont want we get one step closer to what we do want.

We talked about deep old wounds, and new fresh ones.

And we laughed.

She laughed at me when I called the bouncer sporty spice and asked if his job was to look pretty.

And when I told the man outside that the wonderous punch was wonderous.

It was exactly what I needed.

It was perfect.

and today I keep thinking about Table for two…

And how we just hate being alone

And wondering if I could have missed my only chance

And now I’m just wasting my time

By looking around

But you know I know better

I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothing

Cause if the birds and the flowers survive

Then I’ll make it okay.

and I will.

with God. and good friends. and lilacs. and a little bit of liquor. and a lot love.

I am angry today.

Not frusterated.

Not annoyed.

Not even hurt.

I am ANGRY.

And it feels good.

It feels good to yell and swear and cry and just be angry.

It feels good to not make excuses for how I feel or sugar coat it or blame myself for feeling that way.

And the truth is it really isnt one person or one thing making me angry.

Its all these layers of hurt and resentment that I have pretended for so long didnt exist.

Its because I have so often felt hurt and used and then apologized for feeling that way.

Its years of thinking my opinions and my feelings dont matter as much as other peoples do.

And it has built up and built up and now I want to explode.

And so I am ANGRY.

Even if its just for a moment.

It feels good to be expressive.

It feels good to yell.

And I am not even sure I am sorry.

I am sure I WILL be sorry.

But right now I am just ANGRY.

(I am so writing TWICE in one day!)

After much prayer and thought I have discovered I don’t actually want to date.

I want to be wanted.

I want to be pursued.

I want a man to be crazy about me and attracted to me and desire me.

But I don’t actually want to date anybody.

At least not right now.

My motives are all wrong.

My heart is all wrong.

And I am still afraid.

And I still have healing to do.

And that’s ok.

It’s ok to wait.

It’s ok to see what God has in store.

It’s ok to wait for God to change my heart.

It’s ok to guard my heart in the process.

I thought I was being independent.

I was being selfish… and shallow.

And that isn’t who I want to be.

And I have been nervous and conflicted about how to deal with the men in my life that I agreed to go on a date with.

I saw the Fed Ex man today.

And I took a deep breath and told him that I thought he was very very nice. But the truth was my heart wasn’t fully available. And I did not want and was not ready for a relationship or the pressure of dating.

And he said ok, that he thought I was beautiful and sweet and funny, and that I could call him if I ever changed my mind.

That wasn’t so awful at all.

I am not saying that dating is wrong… or I will never date again.

But right now, at this moment, I just need to learn to be me.

I need to learn to love me so someone else can love me as well.

And I feel…. relief.

And I feel like that was a huge step for me.

It is a big deal to me to evaluate me needs and my motives and to give myself permission to change my mind.

So it’s a little step… but it’s a step.