Life As an Afterschool Special

Tim the fex ex man came today and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner after work.

He said he could come to my house around 6 and pick me up.

And inside I paniced.

I told him I have plans…

I thought I was just a little nervous, like everyone is when they get asked out…

But the more I sit and think about it the more I think it is so much deeper than that.

My reaction made me realize just where I am in my recovery process from this summer.

The idea of dating at is core is terrifying to me.

The idea of some strange man knowing where I live is terrifying to me.

The idea of being in a mans car that I don’t know very well is terrifying.

Allowing someone into my life that i dont know well is terrifying to me.

The idea of being intimate with someone who I don’t know and trust deeply is beyond terrifying.

I am afraid of my judgement.

I am afraid of making poor choices.

I am afraid of going back to where I was.

I am afraid to feel out of control.

I am afraid to “date”

It makes me feel out of control.

It makes me feel trapped.

I immediatly want to take control of my surroundings.

And I know this isn’t the normal reaction to a man asking you out on a date.

And I waver on what the best way to handle it is.

On one hand I think I just need to get in the game. Live my life. Know that I may may get hurt and I may make wrong choices but at least I wont be afraid. At least I will really be living.

On the other hand, I need to take time to heal and to process. I need to relearn to trust myself and my instincts. An dI know that doesnt happen over night.

And in the process I am lonely.

And its funny really, because my problem is not that there arent people interested in me… its that they arent the right people, it isnt the right time, and it isnt the way I need it to happen.

Oh the heart is complicated.

I talked and the teased the UPS man who told me he doesnt date women on his route and then later brought me candy and asked me out.

Then, I talked with the courier man and then went out to lunch with my coworkers. We are walking downtown and we hear this honking and someone yelling “Jamie…” We turned around and its the courier man waving and honking from his truck. I shout “are you coming to see me today..” and he shouts back “I wish” and drives away.

Then today Tim the fedex man comes in and brings the packages and I ask him if he has any weekend plans.. and then he says “what are your weekend plans… we could go out sometime… if you dont have a boyfriend”

Then later he came back.. and said “I forgot to give you one of your packages… and to get your phone number.”

I dont know what it is with the delivery men… but they love me.

to be honest… it feels nice. it feels good to be admired and liked and wanted…

Just one day afer I declare to the world I may become a “dater” I get asked out.

this whole thing seems easy enough…

So… is this my big step?

Am I stepping into the casual dating world?

It’s a scary idea to me!

I havent been on a “date” in ages.

That is, if you dont count my one date with my lesbian girlfriend.

But that was totally different.

What do people even DO on casual dates?

What do they talk about?

And more importantly.. what shoes do they wear?

I signed up for eharomy today.

I think I should be a “dater”.

I get asked out a lot but never go.

I was just never a girl to “date”

I always had relationships.

I was in a relationship from the time I was 14 until I was 26.

And even then I was single-minded about who I wanted to be in a relationship with.

Right now I am single… and yet in my heart I am waiting…

waiting for what?

waiting for who?

I am tired of waiting.

Why not date?

Why not meet a man for dinner and see what happens?

Why invest time and heart into something that may or may not work?

Why does everything have to be so complicated and hard?

Why can’t I join cheesy internet dating sites and go go have coffee without having to fall in love and make any major commitments?

I want to play cards and go to the movies and walk around the mall and laugh and enjoy someone without wondering about tommorow and the day after that.

I want to be a “dater”

It plays out so nicely in my head…

But the truth is I am not sure I am cut out for the dating world.

The truth is so much of my heart is already gone.

The truth is I emotionally invest… and I would hate no strings attached relationships.

Thats not who I am.

Thats not even who I want to be.

But don’t remind me of that today. Just ask me out for a drink after work… and tell me we don’t have to worry about tommorow.

I just want to go on a date.

Some days it is harder to be single than others days. Yesterday was one of those days.

I had an amazing day.

Spring was in the air, children were laughing, and I was surrounded by people I love deeply.

I went to church, had an amazing lunch, participated in an Easter egg hunt and a talent show, sat by a bonfire, and laughed and loved.

And yet there was a loneliness to the day for me.

I watched parents play with their children, new couples share the joy of being close and getting to know each other, and people who have been married for years share private jokes and touch each other tenderly as they passed by.

And it was hard for me.

Because I want that.

All of it.

I want to meet someone, fall madly in love, and have them love me back.

I want them to want to get to know me and be close to me. I want a man who knows my craziness and my drama and all my baggage and still looks at me with love in his eyes. I want to be worthy of fighting for and being pursued.

I want someone who is crazy about me, and needs me in their life always.

I want a man to drop to his knees and ask me to marry him and then I want to have children and make family dinners and have puppet shows and Easter egg hunts and talent shows.

I want to be married for years and years and watch my children grow old and have their own children and watch my husband turn grey before my eyes and watch time etch wrinkles on his skin.

I want that.

And watching people interact last night in the different stages of relationships tore at my heart. It was hard.

It is hard to be 27 and single.

It is hard to not worry that you are too old, too used, too broken.

It is hard to put your heart out there, to trust and be open to the idea of love, only to have that dream fall short time and time again.

It is hard when things seem so right on paper… when everyone around you thinks you found your perfect match… but you can’t make it work.

It is hard when you fall in love, and no matter how much you want to you can’t make someone love you back.

It is hard not to feel like you must be hard to love… and to worry that no one is ever going to love you… the real you.

It is hard to watch people around you enjoy life, and life, and family….

It is hard.

Most days I don’t care.

I like my freedom… I like open possibilities. I like being single and independent. I like being flirty and going on dates. I like that it’s still okay that men buy me drinks.

I like my house on the edge of downtown and being able to walk to work and making plans without it affecting anyone but me. I like that I can buy what I want, and I don’t have to ask or worry about it.

I like having time and space to work on me, and discover who I am.

I like being single…

But some days are harder than others…

My Life as an Afterschool Special

I talked to Brian again last night. How wonderful it feels to maintain a friendship with someone who knows you so well, despite the past… to be able to laugh at how awkward everything was…. it is a good feeling.

Its funny because I was just talking to Lisa about Brian, and she said “You havent told me much about him”

and I realized that I didnt because I didnt think there was much to tell. I mean Brian and I were boring. No big drama, nothing crazy, not huge highs and lows… it was just… steady. Even our breakup was steady.

Lisa said “Oh yeah, you dated this godly guy for a long time, but it wasnt drama filled so you didnt mention it?! I mean stability and steadyness, what is THAT?!”

heh. she has a point.

But for the record there WERE highs and lows, and a bit of drama, and a lot of making out….

Last night I started out by asking Brian if he wanted to to be deep and talk about what was going on and his mom, or if he wanted to be silly and shallow and be distracted. He said he wanted to see where the conversation went.

We went silly and shallow.

Brian talked about us smoking cigars together, and I couldnt remember what he was talking about. He said “we smoked them at a party” and I said “whose party” and he said “i dont remember” and i said “well… what state were we in”

Heh. I am such a nerd.

He made fun of me moving so much and pointed out that while we dated I lived in five states. Did I mention I like to move?!

I said “I dont really remember that” and he asked what I remembered about us…

I said “naps, we took a lot of naps”

He said ” You took naps Jamie, you were always sleeping”

I replied “Thats cause you were always making out with me… I got tired”

And we proceeded to talk about making out…

Did you know I made out under a fooseball table at my parents house? heh. I TOTALLY forgot about that until last night. I am such a rebel.

But its true, Brian and I made out all over the midwest, which was ok, because as he pointed out we waited like two and half years to kiss.

Ohhhh to be 19 and in love again… to have wild and reckless and hungry and stolen kisses….

Sadly thoes days are long gone. The closet I have come to kissing in a while was when I kissied dating goodbye, or at least kissed it “lets just be friends for a while”

And now I learning how to be steady and stable all by my self. But every now and then I think back to thoes days, and I smile….

You gotta laugh at yourself, or you’d cry your eyes out if you didnt.

My Life as an Afterschool Special

My friend Daniel and I were talking the other day about the possibility of being single our whole lives…

and while I can agree with Daniel that the possibility is always there, the deepest desire of my heart is to be a wife a mother.

I have a reoccuring dream, sometimes I think I can see faces, other times I dont. But I always wake with such peace and such comfort, that I know this dream is written on my heart.

Sometimes I have this dream…

It seems so real I forget that it isnt true.

I am in a garden, the sun is warm on my shoulders, my hands deep in rich soil. Childrens laughter echos through the yard and the smell of dinner drifts from the house.

I look up and see him standing there. I dont know when he arrived but I catch my breath as our eyes meet. This is my husband, my prince, my warrior, my love. This is the man I was created to be with. I know each line on his face. I know every smile, I see every thought. I have watched the years change him, and my love for him has only grown.

He smiles as our children see him standing there. “Daddy Daddy” they cry as they run to him. He picks them up laughing. These are our children, the arrows in our quiver that we hold ever so tightly. They are our future, and they are loved. He kisses them on the head and sends them inside to get ready for dinner.

Now its our turn. He grabs my hand and I stand, wiping off the dirt. He takes me in his arms and we dance slowly and silently to music only we can hear. The sun is warm on my back and I lay my head on his shoulder, just breathing in the moment. A crash comes from inside the house, followed by a little voice yelling “its ok!”, and we laugh as we walk in hand in hand to the house.

Over dinner the kids eagerly talk about what they are learning and the days adventures, and he listens intently soaking up every word. We talk about our days and his work and the church, and I smile as I look around me, satisfied at the home I am tending, the family I am raising, and the man that I love.

Later that night as we tuck the children in, we listen as they say their prayers. Tears come to my eyes as I think about everything we have been through. How hard we have fought for ourselves, our realtionship, and our family. I think back over the years, over the trails and the struggles and the doubts and I realize that I wouldnt change a moment. Every tear, every struggle, every doubt has lead me to this moment.

I am at peace, I am in love, and I am home.

and I wake up feeling rested, feeling happy, and feeling loved.

I dont know what the future holds, but I know what is written on my heart.

My Life as an Afterschool Special

So today my heart is heavy. And I just keep thinking if I can make enough sense of what is in my head to put it in black and white then it will all be ok.

But the truth is, in a lot of ways, it isn’t ok. And it hasn’t been for a while.

My friend Kathy and I used to say, at times like these, that we feel like glass inside…

Today I feel like glass inside…

Today loneliness is crashing over me in waves…

Have you ever seen Bruce Almighty? There is a scene where Bruce tries to use his powers as God to make his girlfriend love him.

And he looks at her with such pleading and determination and begs her to love him…. His voice breaks as he pleads “love me….”

How I can identify with that moment….

I feel unloved… And worse then that, I feel unlovable… I feel like I am too broken, too raw, too much to love.

I feel like over and over again in my life people have walked away and stopped loving. And I have been taught over and over again how to walk away, how to start over, how to move on.

But the problem lies in the fact that I don’t want to be someone that people can just walk away from. I don’t want to be someone that others just forget. And I hate that I feel like I am someone that you can just stop loving.

But people do. All the time. And its not one particular person that stands out today… Its just the broken promise of the words I love you. Pastors, friends, boyfriends… People in my life who have held my fragile heart in their hands.

And I offered it to them…Believing that they loved me, the real me, the raw me… Only to have them walk away when I didn’t live up to what they wanted me to be…

and now they are fine. They have moved on. They don’t love me, they aren’t hurt, they don’t miss me or even my friendship…. They have tossed their love aside and they don’t look back, while I am broken and confused and hurt and trying to make sense of all this mess.

This is why I don’t trust. I don’t trust myself and I most certainly don’t trust others. And I hang in the balance of wanting so desperately to love and be loved, and wanting so desperately to protect my heart from the pain that love can inflict. And so I build walls.

and I know its all wrong on a million levels. I know that I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and God. I know I am giving people too much power over me and my thought and my emotions. I know that there are a million things that are wonderful about me, and even if other people cant see it, it doesn’t make it less true.

I know I cry over lost love that I never truly had. I mourn the loss of words, when there was no truth behind them… I understand this in my head, but I cant make my heart match.

because today I feel lonely.

and maybe its just because the weather is cold and dreary, or because I only work 10 hours a week right now and have entirely too much time to think and feel…

Or maybe I have been listening to too much Patty Griffin….

Or maybe it is because I had a miserable day teaching yesterday and an even worse night at City Life….

Or maybe its because in the process of deciding where I belong I don’t feel like I belong anywhere….

Or more likely it is because I just ran into an old boyfriend, and saw some members of my old church who no longer talk to me…

and in any case I feel like Bruce, and I just want to yell “Love me”

I KNOW I am rambling and this may not even make sense, but this is me.

The real me.

The me that I am so afraid people are going to walk away from.

I have issues. I am insecure. I am high maitnence and drama. I am not even close to being honest most of the time. I am not nearly as strong as I would like to pretend. Most of the time I only love and am only loyal because I am petrified of being alone if I don’t. I smile and laugh because I want to yell and cry sometimes. And I will become anything you want me to be if you will just love me….

but please…. Be careful with me…

I have been sitting here looking at this very blank screen. There is so much on my heart and in my head that I want to share, but I feel like I have run out of words.

Iam weary. I am tired. In every way possible. I am sad, and I am drained, and I feel emtionally overloaded. I am so tired my whole body hurts. I am tired of thinking, and tired of feeling. I am tired of doubting, and tired of trusting. I am tired of fighting, and tired of letting go.

I need to sleep, because I havent slept in a while, but I cant make the world stop long enough to close my eyes.

What I am most greatful for at moments like these is the belief in something so much bigger then myself. I know that trials will come and go, and I will be stronger for them… and while I may feel very battle weary and tire at this moment, I know my strength does not come from myself

Isaiah 40
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.