Life As an Afterschool Special

What color is Jesus? Does the color of his skin change his message? Does his heritage change our inheritance? Or is the message of hope in the Bible universal?

These questions have been rolling around in my head for the past few days. I was walking downtown last Friday when I heard angry voices amplified on the city streets. I heard the words, but what they were saying didn’t make any sense to me. The voices were quoting Bible verses so familiar to me I could recite them along with the speaker, but they were saying them in a context I have never heard before.

I turned the corner and came face to face with the voices. They were coming from angry black men, dressed in white robes with a red insignia sewn into the cloth. I had never seen anything like it. I thought they were the black Ku Klux Clan. They were members of the Nation of Islam.

One of them held up a famous picture of Jesus. He pointed to it and yelled, “If this is who you think Jesus is, if this is the picture of Jesus in your head or in your house, you are worshiping an idol. You are worshiping the devil. Jesus is not white. Jesus is black. Jesus hates whites”

My breath caught in my throat and I stared the men down. I know enough about the Bible to not believe Jesus was a Caucasian male, but I also know enough about the Bible to know Jesus doesn’t hate whites either.

The man with the microphone continued. “If you are not black you are condemned to hell. God hates you. He hates you for enslaving my people. His people. God’s people are the Jews, and who are the true Jews? Blacks. Blacks are Jews. Blacks are Gods people. But you put the chains on his people, and now he hates you. He hates you and has condemned you to hell” then he took out his bible and misused scripture to prove his point.

I was so angry I began crying. They looked at me with hate in their eyes as they continued to condemn and lie and shout, but I didn’t look away. I looked into their eyes and cried.

This was MY God they were screaming about. This was MY Jesus who had died for my sins, and for theirs, that they were lying about. I felt the anger that can only come when you know someone is hurting someone or something you love very much.

Finally I could take it no longer. When everyone else was walking away I marched up and looked the leader in the eye. With a shaking voice I spoke up.

“Shame on you.” I said.

He just looked at me. I continued.

“Shame on you for telling lies about the character of God. Shame on you for making Jesus into something he is not. Shame on you for taking the Bible and twisting it into lies. You took something that is beautiful and pure and true and made it into something ugly. Shame on you”

His lips curved into a cruel smile. “You are saying that because you are condemned. Because you are a woman. And you are white”

I reeled back from the sting of his false words. The truth is, as a white upper class woman, I haven’t ever been truly discriminated against. I felt angry and helpless and pity all at the same time.

“I don’t understand,” I cried. “I don’t understand how you can stand on this street corner and spread such lies and hate. God loves. The Bible says God so loved the world that he sent his son while we were still sinner. It says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. It says there will be no Jew or gentile. That we are brothers and sisters” I started to cry again. “I just don’t understand”

He looked at me with hate and said, “You never will.”

I had so much more to say but I could tell it was falling on deaf ears. I looked the man sadly, said I would pray for them, and walked away with tears streaming down my face. I felt the way Jesus must have when he discovered sin at the temple and overturned tables in his anger.

I had to process. I had to talk it out. I called a few friends and finally got a hold of a friend who was home. I sank down on a bench and told him the story. He listened, and reminded me that I was angry at the sin, but not the men who were sinning. Truthfully I was angry with both. I thought, “I know Jesus loves them, but I still think they are jerks”

But over the fast days I have thought a lot about that confrontation. And I am sadder at the lies these men believed about Jesus then the fact they were so vocal.

The truth is no matter what color Jesus’ skin was, his promise is the same for all races, all nations, all generations. It isn’t a message of anger and hate, but one of love and forgiveness.

One day we will all face judgment, and we will be separated. It will not be the color of our skin that divides us, but rather our faith in the one true God. The Bible says whoever believes with their heart and confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord will be saved.

It is a hope that transcends racial and economic barriers.

It transcends nations.

I shared these opinions as Part 2 because I think they represent how a majority of us view single Christians in both a positive and negative light.

My conclusion is there is not a one size fits all answer. People are complicated beings, and love is messy. We don’t all share the same background or lifestyle, therefore we can’t possibly have the same reasons for why we are single. I am guessing, in diving more more into this topic, we will discover there isn’t a one size fits all answer in how to live out single life either.

All the discussion of singleness has lead me to question my own situation and singleness.

I spent six out of the ten adult years of my life dating and engaged to Matt, and another three dealing with the consequences of that choice. Actually I still deal with the consequence of that choice.

While there have been times that I have worried that I spent the majority of my adult life with a man so clearly wrong for me and in the process of doing so missed my chance at love and marriage, in my heart of hearts I don’t really believe that to be true.

I think I will get married. I think one day there will be a man who knows me and loves me just as I am and yet hopes for me and wants to see me grow into the strong woman of God I can be. While often the lies of men who have hurt me play in my head about how hard I am to love and about everything wrong that I do and am, I am learning to hold to the truth.

And (this is where I may sound vain) I know men like me. I date. More then I should at times. But I know some men find me cute, and fun, and sweet. I know I am fiercely loyal and supportive and encouraging. Because of those things and more I think I will make an amazing wife one day, and I think the spiritual gifts I have along with my experience will allow me to become a good “helpmate”. I think God created me like and for that. I think I greatly desire to be a wife and a mother, and I believe that God placed that want on my heart and He is good and faithful.

So why am I 28 and still single if I am so amazing? (I know, I ask myself that all the time. Heh.)

I think my friends had amazing answers to these questions… my answers:

The first answer is because of Gods timing. I agree with Lydia. He is shaping me and molding me to the woman I know He wants me to be. I have experienced a lot of pain and heartache, and I do have issues and baggage that will take many years to overcome, but I am overcoming. I am growing and running the race. Slowly at times, and sometimes my run is more of a crawl, but I am learning through my successes and failures. I am becoming a woman of substance and a woman of courage and a woman of strength and faith. My walk is more real now than it ever was, and I know I can face almost anything.

So I am still single because I am still in a place where I am becoming “me” and because of God timing. I am also still single because between the ages of 18 and 24 I dated the same man, and between 24 and 27 had to run from him. And that is honestly the time when everyone around me was falling in love with people from college and church and such and getting married.

The truth is Jeff and Hannah are right. The dating pool has shrunk. There are a lot less people out there who are looking then there was when I was 18. And a lot fewer places to find someone. I have been at the same church for 8 years, I don’t go to college anymore… where do I find fun attractive single men with good taste in music who love Jesus?

Also… I am picky. I have been really really really hurt. And betrayed in some of the worst ways you can be by someone you love. And even though at times I may seem like an open book, those who know me well know it takes me a long long long time to trust. I stay surfacy for way longer than I should because I am afraid of people knowing the real me and getting hurt. So I stay shallow and silly and fun and flirty and guard my heart and dont let people really in (even though some may think they are). So in that regard Steve is right. I am single because I am broken, and I don’t trust.

And while I am being honest, I will admit I have only been seriously interested and “dating” (not to be confused with going on dates) four men since I was 18. And Matt was one of them, and two of them were long distance. So if I am honest, while I have lots of experience flirting and going on dates, I am actually kind of new when it comes to having good healthy long lasting relationships. In some way I kind of suck at it.

So there you have it. I am amazing, but I am single for all those reasons and more.

And I am ok with it. Usually. I want to get married. I think I will get married. Sometimes I worry because I know loving me wont always be easy, but I really do think I am a good catch and worth fighting for.

So that is WHY I think I am single… now… How to live it out becomes the issue.

As a Christian single can you “date”? And if you do what are the physical boundaries? Where are you supposed to find these single people? What are you supposed to look for? What is appropriate single relationships look like?

Because what Sex in the City tell you you are supposed to look like and what I Kissed Dating Goodbye tell you are polar opposites.

And I find myself in the Grey middle.

I have been thinking about this topic for a while but for now I will make this a small blog series while I formulate my thoughts… please let me know what you think and your opinions and ideas…

PART ONE

My roommate and I have a secret addiction to Sex in the City. We own the DVDs and watch episodes when they come on TV. We uses “City-isms” in referring to men. When in a discussion about men you can often hear us saying “He is so your Big” and “He is a turtle. Total fixer upper” Krista is a Charlotte and I am Carrie. We mesh well. The series makes us laugh and cry and think and feel good about being strong and being single.

The truth is, series or not, I actually like being single. It may be my commitment phobia talking or my terrible past experience, but at this moment I truly enjoy being single in the city. I am city girl.

I love my overly girly duplex. I love that I have a Marilyn Monroe picture and sewing bust with a vintage dress on it in my living room. I love that we used pinks and oranges and deep reds to decorate the house, and my books and DVDs are arranged by color because that’s what I think looks the best. (It tends to drive men and some woman crazy) I love that I am short bus ride from downtown, and across the street from my favorite restaurants.

I love getting together with girlfriends and having a cocktail and seeing a band and dancing and getting home at whatever time I chose. I like buying shoes and furniture without having to worry about how my shopping affects someone else’s budget. I like being home alone and curling up in my favorite chair with a good book and not having to entertain anyone. I like dancing around my room in my underwear and taking as long as I like to get ready. I like takeout for one and leftovers, and eating spaghetti o’s right out of the can for dinner, and a fridge that has ice cream, wine, and pickles in it.

I like that there are opportunities out there. I like that men pursue me. I like that I don’t have to make any choices and fall in love with the next man who chases me, but I have the ability to. I like that I can decide what I need, and what is healthiest for me. I like dating. I like being wooed. I like the thrill of romance and even the heartbreak that comes with failed attempts. I like that I have great girlfriends and a great roommate to come home and talk and process with.

I like all the thing that make my life very Sex in The City. I like the shoes and the bars and the girlfriends and the dating and the coffee shops and the dancing.

But I am missing one thing in my Sex in the City lifestyle…

The Sex.

(Y’all didn’t think I was going to go there did you?)

I don’t have sex. The truth is, I don’t even kiss. I haven’t really kissed in over three years and I haven’t had sex in much much much longer.

And I have been thinking about how hard it can be to be 28 and a single christian girl in a sex in the city world.

You can begin to feel as if your only three options are marriage, promiscuity, or becoming the “cat lady”. You know what I am talking about. No one wants to be the lady who locks herself in her house and knits sweaters for her cats and has terrible taste in clothes and reads romance novels and dreams of being kidnapped by a pirate who looks like Fabio. (It is much better if the dreams involve a Johnny Depp Pirate. Then it is acceptable.)

As a single woman you can begin to feel as if to be empowered you must be sexual, and aggressive, and selfish. The alternative is to be boring, unattractive, and lonely.

That just isn’t true. And as much as I do love all the things I mentioned above, I love that I can be all those things and do all those things and still glorify God. I can be fun and fabulous and have a sexless in the city lifestyle.

But how?

I took a job as a personal assistant to a Christian Counselor/Speaker and I have really liked it. When I took the job I told my new boss that I interviewed at a non profit and I really wanted to work with battered woman someday. A few days after I was hired I got an email from the non profit asking me to come back for a third interview. I talked to my new boss about it, and with her blessing I went to the interview.

I arrive at the interview and there are literally NINE people in the conference room to interview me.

I sit down and they start asking me questions about my experience. Most of my experience with working with battered woman (besides personal) is through Christian organizations. I worked with Lovelines Christian Counseling, and I lead a group with Celebrate Recovery.

They start asking me questions about my faith and the role it plays in my life.

One woman turns to me and says, “We strive to break misogynist views. Its part of our mission statement. These are views the church usually upholds. Doesn’t the church say woman need to be quiet and submit”?

And I am thinking are you KIDDING me?! This is an interview! But I answer.

”The church does believe that, but it also believes men should love their wives the way Christ loved the church, and He died for his love. So it isn’t about women being weak, but about both men and woman being strong enough to not be selfish”

We talked more about the church, and I think I offended them when I said I do think there were men roles and woman roles.

And then (this is a huge moment) they asked me if I could share my own experience without talking about faith.

I thought about it and answered no. I couldn’t. And I didn’t know how you could train someone to work with broken hurting battered woman and not talk about faith in something. If this life and all the pain were all there was what hope is there?

I am thinking “This is the worst interview EVER” and they all leave the room. They leave me there for almost 20 minutes and I am thinking “They hate me… I never should have worn a dress and heels”

After 20 minutes they come in and OFFER ME THE JOB.

No joke.

At 20.00 an hour.

But the lady said “I hope you are ok with not talking about your faith. I know you love your religion, but I hope you love helping woman more”

And I want to say yes. But I open my mouth and out comes “I am sorry, I can’t. I wish you the best of luck, but I am really not what you are looking for. This isn’t a good fit”

I wanted to cry.

But I realized in that moment that although my heart of hearts is to work with broken women; I can not and I will not do it with out God.

You’ve got to get yourself together
You’ve got stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it
Don’t say that later will be better
Now you’re stuck in a moment
And you can’t get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won’t last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It’s just a moment
This time will pass

U2~ Stuck in a Moment

I woke up this morning and took a deep breath and thought “I am ok” and I meant it. Despite all things that have gone wrong the past few weeks (with Bob and Matt and Amy and my car and money and looking for a roommate) I really am ok.

And it has nothing to do with my “box”

It is because I have learned when everything else is falling apart, when I feel most alone, that is when God is most near. He is comfort and strength and rest.

And I am ok because I have amazing people in my life who love me and care for me and support me.

My family encourages me and prays for me and loves me unconditionally. The hope for me, and they believe in me. Even though they are far away I know I am cared for.

And I have friends who have become family, and who have let me lean on them. On Sunday night I sent a text to a few friends saying only “Can I sleep on your couch. I need a friend”

Every single one of them called me back immediately and listened to me cry and offered comfort and support. One friend text me back and said “Stay where you are, I am coming to you” and picked me up and took me to her house and made me laugh.

My friends have slept at my house and let me sleep at their house this week, and they have come over and helped clean out the mess my roommate left and organize and taken me out to dinner. And yesterday when my car broke down a dear friend sat at Dunn Brothers for over three hours and waited with me while the tow truck came. (This is where I have to add not only did my car break down, but I got a parking ticket because of it. Ha.)

And this morning I got a text from a friend who offered to take me to her parents cabin this weekend. Her text said, “Cabin this weekend. Sex in the City Season one and two. Wine. Red or white?”

I am going to lie in the sun and drink white wine and watch Sex in the City.

And I am going to be ok. Because I am loved. And this time will pass.

You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
And it’s breakin’ my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don’t be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

Cat Stevens Wild World

I sat on the bus this morning with tears streaming down my eyes. I was reading the Star Tribune, and the front page stories were heartbreaking.

In local news two men were killed execution style late night in a normally quiet neighborhood in the cities. They were robbed, force to kneel in an alley, and then shot execution style in head. The three suspects in the killings are a 15-year-old boy, his 17-year-old girlfriend, and their 19 friend. There was no motive for the murders other than the desire to kill.

Making national news were videos made by Cho Seung Hui, the man who killed over 30 people at Virginia Tech this week in the nations deadliest single man killing spree. The videos, along with pictures of Hui posing with guns, were sent to NBC news the day of the murders.

The package included 29 photographs, several short videos and a 1,800-word manifesto in which Cho expresses a desire to get even, though it does not say with whom, according to the NBC News program. In the videos Hui painted himself as a moralist who decried his audience’s hedonistic tastes. It brimmed with recriminations and a sense of persecution, and referred to the killers at Columbine High School in Colorado as martyrs.

“You had a hundred billion chances and ways to avoid today, but you decided to spill my blood,” Cho said in one of the videos. “You forced me into a corner and gave me only one option… You have vandalized my heart, raped my soul and torched my conscience. Thanks to you, I die like Jesus Christ to inspire generations of the weak and the defenseless people.”

Along with the articles were pictures and descriptions of some of Hui’s victims. They were daughters and sons, fathers, brothers and sisters. They had hopes and dreams and goals. They looked forward to a future. They were loved. They were real.

The contrast between the hope of young college students and professors and the despair and hate of Hui and the people involved with yesterdays local shootings took my breath away. It brought tears to my eyes and I felt angry and sad. And I wanted to know why.

What is happening to the world we live in? How did people become so hardened, so cruel, so hate filled? How did we become a society who glorifies death and killing and pain and hate? And where do we go from here?

I think the answer, ironically, lies in some of Cho Seung Hui’s last words. In his last video Hui states “I die like Jesus Christ to inspire generations of the weak and the defenseless people.”

As a Christian, this statement made me angry. Hui is nothing like Jesus, and his death is selfish and cowardly.

Jesus died for us, for our sin and our mistakes. He went to death not as a guilty man, but as a blameless man who received our punishment. Bu it’s easy to look at men like Hui and compare ourselves.

We begin to think in comparison that we really aren’t that terrible. We don’t need a savior. We haven’t killed anyone; we aren’t so hateful and evil. But God says that if you have hate in your heart it is the same as killing. And how often, even in little ways, do we hate and lie and steal and cheat and hurt others with our selfishness?

The truth is killings and death and pain will continue to happen because we are a wicked and fallen generation. We are lost. And we know that any moment our time may be up. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. We are not immortal, and no matter how people one may kill or how many headlines scream our name today, tomorrow we will be a distant memory, or forgotten all together.

There isn’t hope in this world. There isn’t peace in the world. And the truth is, it is a wild world, and there a lot of bad people out there.

But even as I sit and cry and for the lost and the hurting and the broken I have hope. I have peace. Because I know that this life is passing, but when I put my hope in Jesus Christ I can see there is something bigger and better then this crazy wild world we call home.

If you don’t know the peace and hope I am talking about, if you don’t know Jesus, I just encourage you to seek him. Seek him and ask questions and demand answers. Feel free to email me or comment and I will answer as best as I can. But seek him and he will be found. Seek him now before it is too late.

My weekend started amazingly well. I went with Mike and saw Mute Math on Friday. (I will have to write more about it. LOVED it) Saturday I spent the day at one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to (again I will have to write more later) and then went out for a drink with Kim.

Sunday wasnt bloody, but there were lots of red leaves and red wine. And that song is in my head. On Sunday Kim picked me up and we went to church at Open Door. The service was about getting quiet and allowing God to speak to you, even though there is often pain in the silence. It really spoke to me, and later as we took communion and the worship band played I sank to the floor and cried. I cried because I am weary and frustrated and I miss the intimacy I had with God.

I have been thinking about that a lot lately. The past year and a half has been incredibly hard, and I have experienced desperation in a way I had never known.

I can remember lying in bed with a grief so deep and a fear so real I would pray “Just the next five minutes God. Please help me make it through the next five minutes. I need you to make it through the next five minutes”

At that time he truly was a light unto my feet. I could only see the step I was taking, and I had to trust him to lead to safety. I needed Him in a way that was more real and truer than anything I had ever experienced.

But I gradually became stronger, and I began to depend on my own strength. I began to take control of my own life. And I started to make plans and lean on my own wisdom. I prayed less. I read my bible less frequently.

And I didn’t even notice how much I missed God until I got quiet enough to hear Him.

After church Kim and I drove to an Apple Orchard/Winery. We turned up Sarah Vaughn and laughed and sat in silence and enjoyed each other and the scenery. Kim is one of my very favorite people because I am so comfortable being real with her and our friendship comes very easy. There is never any pressure.

The drive was beautiful. The sky was grey and bleak but the trees were changing colors and everything looked so alive. I love days like that. They remind me how good God is, and how creation speaks of his glory.

At the Orchard I drank at least ten cups of hot cider (so good) and Kim bought apples. We were leaving and I panicked because I hadn’t picked any apples off the trees. When Kim and I fist pulled up we joked that we don’t look like the type of girls who pick our own apples… but I am always ready for an adventure, so I made Kim stop her car and got out and picked an apple. Just one. But now I can say I picked an apple at the apple orchard.

We also went to a wine tasting, and I bought two bottles of wine.

We were driving home and I had to pee so bad (ten cups of cider and six glasses of wine have that affect) so Kim stopped at a pumpkin patch that had an outhouse. I really was going to take one for the team, but the toilet paper and poo was piled up almost to the top, and I couldn’t sit that close to someone’s poo.

So Kim kept driving and finally stopped in Stillwater. We tried to go at a gas station, but they didn’t have a public restroom and pointed us to the portapotties out back. We walked back and discovered that the art and jazz fest was happening on the lake… YAY!

It was beautiful. The lake was grey and still and the sky was overcast and the leaves were brilliant. And Kim and I walked around with the Jazz music playing in the background and looked at every booth and convinced each other not to buy anything, although we both took the cards of our favorite artists.

On the way home Kim and I laughed a lot and I kept telling her it was the perfect day. It was one of those days that you know you will tuck away in your memory forever.

Kim wrote about Sunday Too!

If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn’t such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Nickel Creek~ Tomorrow is a Long Time

My best friend Susie’s brother died suddenly of a heart attack yesterday.

It is strange to have someone who you have known for so long, who is still so young, die. It is hard to wrap your brain around what happened.

Susie and her husband are out of town raising support for their ministry. I found out from Susie’s sister, and I immediately dialed every number I have for Susie and left messages telling her I loved her and I was here if she needed me.

She called back a short time later.

I cried with her on the phone, and I laughed with her as we told stories about her brother and life. I felt honored that she trusted me to share her deepest grief with.

Jeremy was a few years older than us. He was the very first person I told that I became a Christian. I had come over to see Susie, completely excited and overwhelmed with my new love and security in Christ. Susie’s family were all Christians and they had prayed for me and loved me since I was twelve.

Jeremy answered the door and said he didn’t think Susie was in. Unable to help myself I squealed “I just became a Christian”. He smiled the kind of quiet smile he had, and invited me int o tell him about it. I told him about how I had been angry about everyone talking about Jesus so much, and how my friend Kris told me the story of the cross in such a way that I got it. I understood. It was like veil had just been lifted and gods love had come flooding in.

He told me he would be right back and left the room. He came back with a green bible and gave it to me. It was the very first bible I owned, and it well read by him. He told me the importance of staying in the word as a Christian, and how excited he was for me.

Last night after I talked to Susie I laid by myself on a blanket in the grass and listened to Nickel Creek. None of my friends wanted to go to the concert because it was cold and raining, but there is something perfectly melancholy about the music and the rain, and both brought me great comfort.

I laid on my back and let the rain mix with my tears as I listened to the band sing about love and loss. And I thought back to that day, almost ten years ago, and the overwhelming joy I shared with Jeremy as we talked about the hope of heaven and the peace that transcends understanding.

And as I lay there, my overwhelming sadness for Susie and her family began to mix with the overwhelming joy and knowledge that Jeremy realized the hope of heaven. And he was in a place where there is no more pain or sadness. And that place was as real, and solid, and true as the words on the pages of the bible he gave me.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.

Revelation 21:1-7

(Susie I love you and I am praying for you and your family)

(Kari. Much much love. And prayer. And hope.)

You’re dangerous ’cause you’re honest
You’re dangerous, you don’t know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You’re an accident waiting to happen
You’re a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you’re not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

U2 Who’s Gonna Ride You’re Wild Horses

My friend recently said that he didnt think that I knew what I wanted. I have laid in bed the past few nights contemplating what he said, and today I spent most of my session with my pay a friend talking through it.

The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I have really honestly stopped to question what I want and also the first time anyone has ever confronted me on the fact that I might not know.

I usually know what I don’t want. But my friend reminded me that knowing what I don’t want is not the same as knowing what I want. And in many ways I have lived a lot of my life focusing on what I don’t want.

And the more I think about it, living a life based on what you don’t want is actually living a life of fear. Its about control. Because its easier to walk away from something you don’t want than let go of control and walk towards something you do.

Especially when you have to let down your guard and trust someone else to provide you with what you want. When what you want is not yours to take but rather someone elses to give.

And the truth is even after you know what you want you usually have to wait for it. And I am not good at that. I am the queen of instant gratification. I see something I want and I buy it. I see someone I like and I take it, and I tease and I pout and I manipulate until its mine.

But I am learning to wait, and I am learning to be honest with myself and others about what I do want.

And that is so so so scary for me.

So what do I want…

I am still not sure… but I have some ideas.

I want to be resonably happy. I want to let go of control. I want to let someone in. I want to learn to trust. I want to be used by God in real and tangible ways.

I want to continue to grow.

I want to get married. I want to have children. I want to finish a book.

I want to let go and really fall in love. I want to let someone love me.

What do I want in a husband?

I am still figuring that out… but I know I want to find someone who loves Jesus and has a heart for people and for ministry and who makes me laugh and who I can talk to about anything and who will argue with me and stands up to be and won’t be manipluated.

I want someone who isnt afraid to push me and challenge me and ask me hard questions but is also careful with me and tender with me and knows I have pain and baggage.

I want someone who knows they have their own baggage, and isnt afraid to work on it and admit it.

I want someone I consider a best friend and someone who is passionate and someone who is loyal and someone who has integrity.

I want someone I feel safe with, I want someone who understands me. I want someone who knows that I like to be girlie and dress up and go out and entertain and be around people and that I also love to wear jeans and I don’t usually wear makeup and somedays I just want to stay at home and hang out and watch movies, and I want someone who accepts both sides of me. I want someone I dont have to pretend for. I want someone I dont have to change to make love me.

I want to not be afraid when I think I found him that I might lose him if I don’t control or manipulate the situation.

I want to let go and trust God and His will and His timing, and not cling desperately to something good when I find it.

I want to not be afraid to give him a name and a face.

But I am.

I am terrified of actually finding love and finding a man who is stronger than me and who I respect and who I will let go of control for.

I am terrified of admiting it. I am terrified that he won’t love me back, and even more terrifeid that he will.

I am terrified of being wrong.

And so I think I have to continue to try to be the person I want to be. I have to continue to grow and explore and change.

And I have to wait.

Because sometimes things worth wanting are worth waiting for.

And maybe its good for your soul to invest in something you cant control.

One of my stipulations is that where ever I live should be close to water…

A river, a lake, the ocean, even a pond would do.

Maybe its the midwest grain belt beer drinking girl in me, but I find something so beautiful and calming and comforting about the water.

I grew up on a lake in Michigan and by a river in Ohio, and I have great memories as child swimming with my family and skipping stones with my dad and fishing with my brothers and sisters and hours upon hours of soaking in the sun.

One of my very favorite places on earth is my moms house in Michigan. The lake comes right up to the backyard and there is a weeping willow and a boat house and a fire pit and tons of green and flowers everywhere. Its beautiful, but I dont get a chance to go home to Michigan that often to enjoy it.

Even far from home I have found a place that is my sanctuary once again. I have spent countless hours at the lake the past few weeks, thinking, praying, laughing and crying. Swimming laps and doing handstands and floating on my back just letting the water and the peace that comes with it wash over me. Soaking in the sun and feeling its warmth and allowing it to remind me of a maker who is good and just and loving.

I have also begun taking walks along the Mississippi. I usually bring a bag with my water and my journal and my bible, and I walk until I find a secluded spot.

Lately I have been bringing old worship cds. I found several CDs at the used cd store for 95 cents. They are familar songs that remind me of what it was like when I first fell in love with God, and how far He has brought me, and how hard the journey was but how much stronger I am because of it. I sit by the water and I open up my heart and I pour out and I sing and I worship and I pray and cry and I write until I feel calm and rested and revived.

Today I went for a walk and opened up my bible and found a verse that spoke to my heart, that eased my sorrow and comforted my fears… it reminded me that while the water is my sanctuary, it is the living water that brings me peace.

And he said, “These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore, “they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them,nor any scorching heat.For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”

Revelation 7:14-17