“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. “In that coming day,” says the LORD, “you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.
Hosea 2:14-16
It’s been a hard year
But I’m climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it’sLess like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like rememberAnd I know you’re here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands,
a bad, bad situation
But you are ableAnd in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like
CharacterSara Groves
I relate my emotions to music. I think that it’s hard for me to be honest about how I feel a lot of the time… but I can listen to a song and yes… thats it… that is exactly what I want to say.
My friend Susan once sent me a series of mixed cds she called Beauty in the Breakdown… I have listened to them so many times some of them no longer play… They cover the stages of grief, and are wonderfully sad and heartbreaking and encouraging and uplifting.
One of the songs I tend to play over and over is Less like Scars by Sara Groves. I am not sure if it is an example of where I am or where I want to be…
But I am changing…
I don’t know when it happened…
But it is happening.
There is strength in me that I never knew existed. There is a peace that transcends understanding. There is calm below every storm.
I am not at all where I want to be… but I am walking, running, crawling in the direction I want to go.
The truth is I am tired. I am so so so tired. I am tired of looking for love and fulfillment in things that leave me broken and empty and lost. I am tired of lying to myself and to others about what I think and how I feel. I am tired of the fear of rejection and living for the approval of others. Because they fail you. They fall short. You fall short.
I am tired of falling and I am tired of struggling and I am tired of fighting.
But the difference is I continue to fight. The difference is I continue to believe in goodness and truth and happiness and love and faith, not as childish dreams that may or may not be real but as promises from a loving and good God.
And the biggest change is I truly know that all of today’s struggles are temporary compared to the greater joy that comes when we have perservered.
There is always something better.
There is always hope.
I sat down to type out my feelings and expected to write something dark, and brooding, and melancholy. But as I sat here and thought about my circumstances and my life, instead of feeling hopeless I felt hope. Instead of feeling overwhelmed I felt grateful to know there was a God who loved me and protected me and carried me through every trial and tribulation. And who would carry me through this.
It’s been a hard year… but I’m climbing out of the rubble.
I am changing…
You said “Ask and you will receive”
Whatever you need
You Said “Pray and I’ll hear from heaven and I’ll heal your land”You said, Your glory will fill the earth like water to seas
You said “Lift up your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near”You said ask and I’ll give the nations to you
Oh Lord, thats the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see your light
as it rises on us
We sang that at the Rock last night.
I love that song.
I have so many good memories attached to it. The first time I heard it was when I came back to Minneapolis for the Rock Retreat the first year after I moved to Ohio. The song struck a huge cord in me and I went back to Ohio, bought the CD and played it for Amy and Erica. We played it over and over and it became an anthem for ministry in the bottoms. Then we went on a mission trip to the Philippines and the worship band played it there. It just confirmed how no matter where we are in life we are all united in our vision and love of God.
I have been thinking a lot about that lately.
I went home last weekend for the first time in almost a year.
It was so good to see my family, to see old friends, to be surrounded by people who love me and care about me. Just to spend time in the arms of people I love, and see their face light up, and be able to hold my new nephew was such a blessing to me.
It was also very very hard to be in a place where memories are still so strong and fear is so real and in so many ways danger is still literally just around the corner.
The first night I slept in my old house with my sister I couldn’t sleep, so I went down to the kitchen to get a drink of water.
And as I stood in the room that was once so familiar memories came flooding back. Happy memories of times with friends and my sister baking and laughing and entertain. And then the horrible memories of Matt and what he did in the room.
And I sat on the floor by myself in the dark and cried. Angry sad tears for what I had and what I lost and surprisingly, grateful happy tears for what I am regaining.
There is more to tell about the weekend, and about Matt, but I don’t have the time or emotional energy to get into it all right now.
But I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head that I needed to sit down and write some of them out, and make them black and white.
What amazed me most about my trip home why the kids. To see the faces of the kids I invested so much time and energy in when I did ministry with youth for Christ gave me such great joy and broke my heart all at the same time.
I miss the passion I had. I miss the joy that comes with giving your life and time so fully. My sister, Amy, and I had moved to the bottoms to be a light. To be a safe place for the kids and the women that were lost and broken and hurting. And it was so hard and it was complicated and at the end of the day so completely worth it.
I wrote so many “horror” stories on my blog about the kids and life in bottoms, but I loved it.
Because it mattered. It made a difference.
And I miss that. I know I needed to take time off ministry to heal, and to grow, and to be more real so I can be better used… but in so many ways I have grown complacent and selfish. I stopped looking at the world around me and the brokenness and the need and started to only look inward and even upward, but almost never outward.
And I know that God comforts us so we can comfort other people. I know calls us to lay down our lives and serve him. And I am so much happier when I am being used. Being home reminded of that.
So how do I find the balance? How do I take the time I know I need to heal and to grow and still serve, still love, still make a difference?
Any ideas?
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your nameBlessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your nameEvery blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will sayBlessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious nameBlessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your nameBlessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your nameEvery blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will sayBlessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious nameYou give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
It is a perfect summer night, I am at my favorite coffee shop listening to a series of good friends play at open mic, and my thoughts keep wondering.
I am once again struck at the goodness of God.
I find it is so easy to worship God on nights like tonight… when the day has gone well and the night is so beautiful and love feels so real and possibilites seems so endless in front of me.
Its easy to lift my hands and fall on my knees and proclaim that God is good.
But my emotions change and my circumstances change and I soon forget.
How fickle I am…
How unworthy…
But God is good.
In the midst of trails… in the middle of pain… God is good.
When the world is crumbling and nothing makes sense… God is good.
When people fail you and people hurt you… God is good.
If i have learned anything this year… it is that God is good.
When I fall so short of His image and His glory he picks me up and holds me close.
No matter how faithless I am, He remains faithful.
No matter how I stumble, how I struggle, I can not lose his love.
My emotions can change, my circmstances may change.. some days the world is all as it should be and some days there is pain in the offering… but God never changes… He is always good.
I’m trying to work things out
I’m trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the skyI have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don’t know what to do with her
She’s so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moonThey have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I’m thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moonMaybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving GodMaybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving GodMaybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that’s a selfish thought
Or maybe there’s a loving GodMaybe I was mad this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving GodAnd that may be a foolish thought
Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there’s a loving God~Sara Groves Maybe There’s A Loving God
Last night that song was running over and over in my head…
I went out with four girlfriends to celebrate my friend Rebeccas birthday.
I got dressed in my new sundress
and threw on some flipflops and put my hair in a ponytail put on my oversized sunglasses and headed out the door with no flair and no purse. There is something about wearing a sundress and flip flops that makes you feel beautiful and feminine and lovely without any effort. I love being a girl.
We met at French Meadow and sat outside on the patio where we traded secrets and laughter and smiles over a bottle of good red wine and some salad and cheesecake.
We were planning on going to Mels Beauty Bar after dinner, but it was so beautiful out and we were having such a good time talking that we decided to have a small bonfire instead.
Rebecca and Miranda went and got Rebeccas guitar and then started the fire and Amanda and I went to my house and picked up my snowcone maker and then went to the liquor store and bought mixings for “big girl slushies”
We all met back at the house and I went inside and made everyone drinks and then came outside and joined the group around the fire.
We talked about love, and loss, and God… and we sang as Miranda played the guitar. It was an amazing mix of serious and silly. (We sang some worship songs, and we also made up songs to God like “Oh where is my husband, oh where is my husband, oh where, where, oh where, oh where oh where, is my husband.” Hee.)
We all talked about why we loved Rebecca and how she has blessed our lives with her compassion, her heart for God, her playfulness, and her friendship.
We went through a pitcher and a half of big girl slushie.
After the fire had died down the four of us kicked off our sandles and laid on an old quilt on our backs and looked up at the stars and the trees and the moving clouds and we prayed together.
It was one of thoes moments where you really feel connected to eachother, and stronger because of each other. It was one of thoes moments where you felt friendship and sisterhood and love so deep and so true and so real it almost took your breath away.
It was one of thoes moments where the spirit of God is so strong and so real you feel like you can reach out and touch it and wrap it around you and never ever let it go.
It was one of thoes moments where everything around you feels so big, and God seems so big and so real, and you seem so small.
And you cant help but think He made the universe and everything in it.
He knows the number of stars in the sky and yet He knows your name.
He had a plan for you even before you were born. He knows everything about you, and he loves you.
And that amazes me.
I came home last night so thankful for good times, and for good friendships, but above all thankful for such a good God.
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Acts 2:42-47
What is wrong with us?
How have we gotten so far from the passion and the vision of the early church?
Today on the way to work I drove by three huge churches within two city blocks.
There is a church on every corner and a whole city of lost people.
There are millions of people who claim to be Christian and a whole nation of people who know us more for what we are against than what we are for.
Churches keep getting bigger and bigger and yet people are more lonely than ever.
What is wrong with us?
How have we gotten so far from our first love?
How did we get so lost?
I often think about what it must have been like to live in the early church. It amazes me how a group of people were so convinced and so sincere that they changed the world as they knew it. They were persecuted and killed and yet there was such a boldness to their belief.
And they didn’t come with angry words and condemnation. They showed their belief by loving each other and loving God well. They gave all they had and had true community and true fellowship.
Where is that sense of community today?
We have churches trying to out market and out sell one another. Division among Christians… angry words and misplaced judgements…
We are divided.
And we are lost.
And we are angry.
And we are broken.
We are a nation that has cleaned the outside of the glass and neglected the inside…
We need a revolution. We need revolutionaries. We need someone to rise up and remind us once again of the vision and the passion of the early church. We need to be reminded of grace, and Gods love, and His power.
Because God is still the same, it is us who have changed…
“Is he — quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”
“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver, “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”
“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
—The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Those lines have been running over and over in my head the past week.
In my woman’s small group and on the rumor forum we have been discussing fear of the Lord.
The bible if full of passages admonishing us to fear the Lord.
To be honest, it is so much easier for me to put God into a box and declare Him safe than to understand how He should be feared.
I don’t like the word fear.
It makes me uncomfortable.
It makes me think of manipulation and control.
It makes me want to run and hide rather than fall on my knees and worship openly and honestly.
I have lived in all consuming fear… and it is hard for me to use that word when talking about my God.
My Savior.
My lover.
My King.
I have spent so much of my life afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of others. Afraid of falling short. Afraid of being unloved. Afraid of love.
Most of these fears were unjustified, but they consumed me. They made it hard to think, feel, and breathe.
When I came to God, I came to Him without fears. When I was told that God accepted me as I was, I set aside the fear and ran towards God. I RAN towards a God who knew all about me, who knew all the things I kept hidden and still loved me. I ran towards the cross and the security of my salvation.
Now, almost ten years later… it is hard for me to reconcile the God who loves me with the God I should fear.
Does anyone else struggle with this?
Am I alone in this?
Maybe where I struggle is the very definition of fear…
fear
A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.
None of those definitions sound very pleasant. And none of them make me want to be in a relationship with the person I am supposed to fear.
This summer I went through a very hard time. I was attacked. And the more I said no, the more persistent my attacker became. I lived in fear…. so I KNOW fear. I know the kind of fear of those definitions.
When I was afraid of a man… it was consuming. Everything I did or said, everywhere I went, every one I let my life, everything revolved around that fear, and keeping myself safe…
It was constantly in my thoughts…
Last night… when I praying about fearing the Lord I realized something.
God is not constantly in my thoughts… everything I do or say is not always centered on him. I let people into my life and don’t think of Him. Everywhere I go He is not in my thoughts…
And maybe he should be.
Maybe that is the part of fearing the Lord that I am missing.
There is a final definition of the word fear.
Fear
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
The more I reflect and pray about it, the more I am beginning to understand fear of the Lord in that aspect…
Reverence because he isn’t safe, and awe because he is good.
I bought a pair of boots to wear in the snow today at nordstrom rack.
I adore them. They are beautiful and fun and pink.
And tonight I slipped on my favorite pair of jeans and a pink camosile and a black shirt and a black hoodie and my favorite striped pink scarf. And then I threw on thoes beautiful pink boots and walked down to my favorite coffee shop downtown.
On the way there it started to snow.
Its the first snowfall of the season…
Now I am sitting in my new pink boots drinking chamomile tea and listening to an old man strumming his guitar and singing cat stevens songs for open mic night.
The snow is falling against the skyline and everything just seems so peaceful and surreal.
Its just one of thoes moments when everything feels so comfortable and so safe and so right.
I am learning how to treasure these moments…
How to truly be IN the moment. To not let my mind wander and worry, but to take each moment as it comes. To allow myself the freedom to feel safe. To trust myself and to trust God. To be at peace. To relax. To move on. To be happy.
And at this moment I feel strong. I feel renewed.
And I am reminded of one of my favorite paslms
Psalm 51
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts ;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
I have written so much lately about how hard everything has been. And how lost I feel. And how hurt I am. But what I have not written enough about is how I get through it. As angry as I get, I could not have survived this year without God.
Because there IS something better. Something more. Something beyond the pain and the confusion and the hurt.
My hope is not in the world and the things of this world because it will all pass. All the pain and all the tears and all the hopes and all the dreams one day will die with me… but God, and my hope in Him… will last forever.
God is good. Even when we fail Him. Even when we are shallow and self consumed and afraid. Even when when we walk away. Even when other people hurt us. Even when there is pain in the offering.
God is GOOD. And He is restoring to me the joy of my salvation.
I posted this on the rumor forum, but I have yet to do a real post on my new blog, so I thought this was a fitting place to start.
(PS. Thanks Geof, its beautiful)
Yesterday I went to a retreat and they took away our bibles. Its amazing when you arent allowed to read the word how much you miss it.
After one of the teachings and worship it was time of quiet refection. I cried and cried and cried. Long after everyone else left I sat in the sanctuary and sobbed.
I miss God. I have been so angry for so long, and I actually MISS him. I miss passion and childlike faith. I miss believing that he is loving and good and strong. I miss Him. I am not sure if you have even felt like that, but its heartbreaking.
I also cried for Matt, and everything that happened, and really mourned the loss of what was and what I thought we would be.
I thought so many things in my life were going to be so different.
And as I sat there I began to reexamine my life and who I was and who I am and who I want to be. Its amazing now that drama has settled, and I have had time to think and be real with myself, when everything else in the world falls away and its quiet what I have discovered.
I wish I were different.
I am selfish.
And self centered.
And shallow.
And vain.
And flighty.
And high maitnence.
I am insincere.
I am insecure.
I am untrusting.
I am a horrible listener.
And a horrible friend.
And I dont think I matter.
I am so consumed with right now. With me. With MY problems and MY worries and MY drama. And I have been for a while. In fact, I have always been like this. I rarely take time to notice anyone else until they effect me.
I create drama, I live in drama, I thrive in drama. In fact all the mess in my life is actually ME. Its because I live out the same drama over and over again and the consequence just gets worse and I blame other people and I blame God, but its ME. i do this.
I dont face it. I run away and throw a party and buy some shoes. And I think no one takes me seriously. Because I don’t even take myself seriously. I know how silly I can be. I know how shallow I am. Because the truth is I LIKE shoes, and clothes, and flair, and laughing, and drama, and being girlie, and all the things that don’t really matter in the end.
Seriously.
What do I offer anyone?
Do I enrich the people around me in any way?
When people look back on my life are they just going to say â€she had a great shoe collection and could drink tequlia with the best of themâ€
I don’t know that they will say that I made a difference in anyones life.
or that I mattered to much of anyone.
and I dont think anyone will say I was a good friend, or a good and faithful servant.
Sometimes I just wish it was different. I wish that I was less like me… And more like… Someone serious. someone who matters. But sometimes you stay the same because thats all you know how to be. And thats what people expect you to be.
Do you ever just wish you were different?
Its amazing how desperate people can be.
The past month I have looked my own humaness in the face as I grapple with the reality of my deperation.
And today I was reminded of my own desperation in an unexpected place.
I was at the pool and decided to run down the the corner market, Sally’s, and get some bottled water and popcicles for my staff.
Sally’s is on the corner of Sullivant and Davis, one block from my house and three blocks from the pool.
Its central in the bottoms, and there is always a slew of questionable people both inside and outside. Its the kind of store that you would never rob, because you know then men behind the counters would pull out a gun and kill you if you even looked at them wrong (And thats not even me being dramatic, people HAVE died trying to rob sally’s)
When I pulled up a woman came to my car and asked me if I had five dollars.
She was overweight and had stringy greasy hair and a stained tee shirt on. She was dirty and smelled liked body oder and cheap liquor.
“I really need five dollars” she begged. “I am hungry”
I told her that I wasnt going to give her money, but if she was hungry she could come in the store with me and I would buy her something to eat. (This is how I usually handle beggers in my neighborhood. Sometimes I even run to McDonalds and bring them back food)
She said she just needed five dollars and I firmly told her no and reiterated my offer to buy her something to eat if she really wanted the money for food.
As I was talking to her a man pulled up and she turned her attention to him.
“Please give me five dollars” she begged.
The man looked at her and smirked and said “What are you you willing to do for five dollars.”
The woman said “Whatever you want me to.”
The man then opened his car doo and she got in and they drove away leaving me standing there open mouthed.
There is no way that just happened! Are you kidding me!
There are just so many things wrong with that whole scene I dont even know where to start.
FIVE DOLLARS.
She just sold herself for five freaking dollars.
And he… he wanted to… touch her smelly body … and pay her to let him do it.
To be honest, at first I judged them both.
And I when I started writing this I was going to make it a funny story about life in the bottoms.
But the more I sat and thought about what I had just seen, the more I realized I wasnt so different from either of them….
The more I thought about how low and desperate people have become to fullfill the desires of their flesh, for cheap thrills and temporary fixes, the more I realized how broken they must be.
And I am no better. I justify and judge and act rightous because I would never sell myself for five dollars… But really, what seperates me from that woman?
Becuase I am just as desperate sometimes… for a quick fix.. to make the pain stop.. to feel far away and distant from my life.
And although it may be wrapped up in a prettier package, the desperation is the same…
