Life As an Afterschool Special

They see me rollin
They hatin
Patrolling they tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
My mouth is so numb
I’m swangin
They hopin that they gon catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin
Tryin to catch me ridin droolin

~ CHAMILLIONJAMIE

I went to Ann’s birthday party this weekend and had SO MUCH FUN.

While I was at the party I told a “Jamie Story” and then realized I hadn’t blogged about.

So…

Last Thursday i went to the dentist.
I am TERRIFIED of dentists

I know a lot of people are but I actually have a really good reason! Two years ago I went to the Philippines for a mission trip. While I was there I needed an emergency root canal. Root canals and third world countries do NOT go together well. My bottom tooth was infected, so the medication they were using to numb the pain wasn’t working, and they started drilling on my tooth anyways. It hurt so bad that I bit the dentist hand and the drill went up through my top tooth as well. So now I hate the dentist. HATE them.

But I needed to go so I sucked it up and went to J& D dental. They are fabulous, and made sure I was very very very numb before they did anything. After they were finished I felt a little queasy and decided to ride the bus home.

(This is the good part)

I am on the bus but all the seats are taken so I stand up and hold on the railing. My whole mouth is numb, I don’t feel good, and I shut my eyes. When I open them again I realized that I am drooling. Worse yet, I realize that I am DROOLING on the MAN seated below me. Seriously. Drool running down his cheek. But I can’t really help it because I cant feel my mouth.

So I try to apologize but I can’t really talk yet and it comes out as “swary i dwool on you head”

The bus stops and the man gets off.

Hee. Great! He totally thought I was one of the “special” people on the “shirt bus”

I might as well have been wearing a helmet and mismatched shoes.

So there you have it, yet another Jamie moment.

And even when I *try* to behave, my life is still full of afterschool “special” moments.

Abbott: Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third…
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who’s on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy playing…
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s on first.
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s who’s name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yes.

Man on the Bus: You smell nice.

Jamie: Thanks. It’s fantastic.

Man on the Bus: I know. What’s it called?

Jamie: It’s fantasic.

Man on the Bus: I said like it. It smells like cotton candy. But what’s it called.

Jamie: GAH. It’s fantasic.

Man on the Bus: You said that already. Does it have a name.

Jamie: Fantastic

Man on the Bus: So you aren’t going to tell me?

Jamie: For the love of God, the perfume is called Fantastic.

Man on the Bus:Oh. I get it. So can I get your number?

Jamie: Uh, no.

Man on the Bus: Why not?

Jamie: Ummm, I am married.

Man on the Bus: You don’t have a ring.

Jamie: I am allergic to jewlrey.

Man on the Bus: You have earrings in.

Jamie: I am only allergic in my finger.

Man looks at her skeptically

Jamie: I am very sensative.

Man on the bus: So I can’t call you?

Jamie: No. Not even a little bit.

Man on the Bus: This is my stop.

Jamie: Fantastic.

I had to go down to the courthouse this weekend and pay a ticket I forgot about that had turned into a warrent.

I really wanted to take care of it, because this wasnt my first warrent. I had been through the “system” before, although I still maintain my last warrent wasnt my fault.

Most people dont know that I am a jail bird

Yeah I’ve done hard time.

I been in the big house, up the river, in the clink…

I WALKED the green mile…..

I LIVED Shawshank man….

ok well maybe that is a streach but I did spend the night in jail once.

I had been in the depths of despair and had gone over to a friends for a girls night. Let me help you visualize. I was wearing Pajama bottoms, a tank top, a cardigan and no shoes. I had been crying so my eyes were red and my face was puffy and I had been running my hands through my hair so it was a mess. NOT my finest moment.

I am driving home around eleven and I see the po po behind me. UGH. I was in the wrong lane and had to switch in the middle of an intersection. This isnt going to be good.

so of course the lights go on and I pull over. The police man comes to my window and asks me if I have been drinking. Now this isnt an unusual question giving my driving ability. I once had to get out of the car and do a road test when I hadnt had a sip. Thats why you shouldnt put on lipgloss and drive.

I say “no officer of course I havent been drinking”. He asks me to step out of the car which I do in my bare feet. He then pushes me up against the car and handcuffs me.

you have got to be freakin kidding me…..

I of course panic… I start rattling off questions at warp speed “whats happening…. what did I do…. why am I in trouble…”

He reads me my rights.

I didnt get it. Why am I in this situation? He takes me to his car and shows me that there is a warrent out for my arrest for failure to appear.

I had gotten a ticket for not having my plate on the front of my car and I went to court. I did appear I even brought someone with me. But according to his little computer I was a fugitive.

I actually started to relax. I mean this was all just a mistake. Surely they will fix it.

He radios the Police in the county my ticket is in and they ask him to transport “the suspect”. Oh yeah.

Police Man 1 and I drive to the police academy and I get out of his car, unhandcuffed, rehandcuffed and lead to a new car.

Police Man 2 is some cocky younger guy. He looks at me and says “Have you been behaving for the officer”

“Um I guess”

“what do you mean you guess? have you been a good little girl?” he replies

“Dont talk to me like that” I shoot back before being forced into the back seat of his car.

he is listening to Rage Against the Machine. yeah this is going to be pleasent….

Police Man 2 takes me to jail, fingerprints me , takes my mug shot, and puts me in a cell by myself. He tells me he isnt sure how much my bail is, but the judge only works on thursdays, so I may have to be here a while. Its Monday.

you have got to be kidding me.

let me tell you no time is like jail time. It goes by soooooo slow. Minutes seem like hours.

Finally he comes back and tells me my bail is 255 dollars.

Its 3am. I try to call my house and no one answers. I try to call my friends and they are sleeping. Finally I reach my parents. My step mom answers the phone.

“Mom Im in jail and I need someone to bail me out”

“Tim its for you, your daughters in Jail”

great. I make them so proud.

so my dad agrees to come and get me and I am lead to a holding cell with other women. UGH.

A drunk woman comes up to me and says in a slurrred voice ” You aint got no shoes on”

“Dont talk to me” is my only answer. So much for that prision ministry.

My dad FINALLY got there about 4am and bailed me out

I seriously cant spent time in jail. I will turn into some womans girlfriend real quick. I am CLEARLY not cut out for it.

But yeah I’ve done hard time…

so that is why I had to pay my ticket to clear my warrent and why I am carrying the paper to prove I did on me as we speak.

Momma didnt raise no fool

just another chapter in my life as an afterschool special.

I have nothing to write today… so I thought I would pull out one of my infamous “Jamie stories”

I have a whole collection of stories that people who don’t know me well don’t really believe happen, and people who know me well believe only happen to me.

So settle in and I will tell you the Jamie story of how I accidentally made a date with a lesbian and how I purposefully went on the date.

I was on a plane flying from Columbus, in the middle seat.
(Oh how I HATE middle seats.)

The man next to me was sleeping, and there was a woman on the other side.
(And she had a really horrid hair cut she needs to rethink)

I was trying to read my book Shopaholic ties the knot
(which is so cute, and frightingly like me)

And I kept elbowing this lady when I turned the page.
(Again, oh how I hate the middle seat)

So I put down my book but then I was bored.
(I don’t do well sitting still and not talking. that’s shocking I know)

And the man was sleeping and the lady totally didn’t seem to be friendly. But most people can be friendly when given the right opportunity.
(At least I like to think that when I want to start a conversation on a plane or elevator)

So I asked her where she was from. And she was from New Orleans.
(What a small world we live in)

So we talked about the hurricane, and the relief efforts, and when she can go home.
(And how much she hates bush. but I like him. I didn’t tell her I voted for him because he was a cowboy)

And she asked me why I was flying. And I told her all about Matt and how I was leaving because I have a protection order and I just need to get away and blah blah blah.
(Sometimes I over share)

And she was like men are such assholes.
(Not all men, just most of them)

And I said “well matt almost makes me want to give up on men”.
(Not all men just most of them)

And she said “really. I will be in the city for a few months. Want to get together and have a drink or something?”
(And I was totally thinking maybe we can have big girl slushies!)

So I said “I would love to” and I gave her my number.
(Maybe I need to rethink my friendliness)

But I was just thinking that it would be fun to hang out with a girlfriend
(But I so wasn’t thinking “girlfriend”)

And I saw she had a tattoo and I said I liked it and asked if she had any others
(And I told her I was getting one on my wrist)

And then she showed me a whole slew of lesbian tattoos
(Like a pink triangle and two girl symbols and such truck)

And I was like… ohhh okay. Those are pretty. I like pink.
(I mean what do you say about a pink triangle)

And I was thinking wow that totally explains her horrid haircut
(Up till then I thought she was just a manly woman with bad taste)

And then the plane landed and we stood up and I gave her a hug and said I was sorry about her house and the flood but I hope she has a lovely time on vacation.
(I think more people should hug the person they sit next to on the plane)

And she held on for longer then was comfortable and said she looked forward to going out with me
(And THEN I realized she meant “going out”)

So she called me.
(Quite a few times)

I finally answered the phone when she called.
(It was so awkward)

“Hi… is this Jamie”

“Yes this is Jamie… but I have to be honest that I am not a lesbian. I mean I love lesbians… but I am not one”

“There is a first time for everything”

And I agreed to go out
(A girls gotta eat)

My “girlfriend” picked me up and we went to dinner and had hamburgers and several long island ice teas.
(And by several I mean several.)

We talked a lot. I talked about matt and cried.
(Seriously. I am a big cry baby.)

Then we decided that we were being too serious and it was time to have some fun, so we went to a gay nightclub.
(Can I just say I LOVED it? I mean LOVED it. It was really fun).

I danced to dancing queen with a bunch of drag queens…
(Michael Jackson and Madonna and Prince and all sorts of fun fun music)

I had a few more drinks.
(And by a few I mean a lot. They were FREE!)

I met all sorts of fun people.
(Who bought me drinks)

I decided I love lesbians.
(They are so fun, and they think I am cute)

In fact my “girlfriend” told me I was the most sensual woman she had ever met.
(What can I say?)

And if I were going to be a lesbian I decided I would be a lipstick lesbian.
(And give makeovers to people at night clubs)

So, she took me home, and I gave her a hug, and she went in for a kiss…
(But I kissed her on her cheek)

I told her she was amazing and I had an amazing time… but I still liked boys
(A lot!)

I did have a really really good time.

But I haven’t dated a woman since… and I don’t think I am going to again.

So there you have it. A bonafide Jamie story.

(Thank God for … RMFO).

I never would have remembered all this

Sometimes I think it is really good and healthy to laugh at yourself… And luckily for me I have more than enough crazy moments to look back on and laugh at.

Even when I am feeling dark and lonely and depressed I can usually find something that makes me smile. So here is an untold Jamie moment that made me smile today.

My roommate Melanie had just moved to the cities from a small cattle farm in WI. When she first came I showed her around the city and took her to coffee shops and the Mall of America and even gave her a big city makeover complete with hooker boots.

One weekend she was going home, and I needed a break from life with ten slightly crazy roommates (yes. I said TEN). She invited me to come along and help her family at the county fair where they were showing horses.

I am always up for an adventure and agreed to come along. I actually had a really good time. I milked a cow, I fed goats, I had a baby cow suck on my finger. I bought two cowgirl hats and the cutest bag ever. I went to a Rodeo two nights in a row. Melanie and I were sitting in the stands watching the rodeo and I was so into it, mainly because it was new and exciting. One of the cowboys came and sat by his friends behind us. I was wearing jeans and a black long sleeve tee shirt and my new cowgirl hat and after a while I got up and offered to go get beer. As I was walking away I heard the cowboy say “now there goes a real cowgirl” and Melanie laugh. Heh. Not so much. But when I came back I did give him my number, and I came and watched him the next day. Oh county fair romance. I could be a Garth Brooks song.

The best moment of the weekend was when Melanie took me to a county fair auction where people were bidding on animals. It was AWESOME. The auctioneer was talking a million miles a minute and they were parading sheep and cow and pigs in front of us. I was having a great time, and got the man next to us to buy us soda. I kept talking and gesturing and laughing and suddenly I hear SOLD! To the lady in the lady in the third row.

And I look up and realize he is talking about ME. I just accidentally bought a COW. At first I was excited because the auctioneer repeated that the cow was SOLD for 3.50

I thought, YAY! I just bought a cow for three dollars! And its kind of cute! I can keep him in the backyard!

Then Melanie informed me that the cow cost three dollars a pound and it was over a thousand pounds. Then she asked if my mom could wire me money.

Heh.

The cow no longer seemed like a good pet. However, I thought I do like a good hamburger and I love a good steak. And I could use a cow skin rug. Or a new purse But three thousand is a bit much for a steak.

So I gave it back.

And that my friends is how I accidently bought a cow.

I am not sure I can be as witty and funny as my friends… But i thought I would try to follow the lead of Brandi, Scott, Susan, and Kari…

Dear Cost Cutters,
Have you no shame?! Do you not have a moral code of right and wrong? Do you not cringe at bad hairstyles and is it not your duty to inform someone that the hairstyle they like not only went out of style twenty years ago, but it is in fact debatable on whether “style” can be used when referring to their cut at all? And yet you send my roommate home with what can only be considered a girl mullet. I dont care if she likes the front short and the back long. Have you no shame? How can you sleep at night knowing you did that to her? You charged her for that haircut. Shame on you cost cutters, and your mullet giving stylist.

Love from the 21st century, where mullets are no longer “in”,
Jamie

Dear Peroneus Longus,
I hate you. I do not understand why you decided to tear when I was running. I was trying to make you strong and healthy, and I was starting to actually enjoy running. It hurt when I slipped on the trail and twisted my ankle, but it hurt even more because you tore in the process. Now I ice you and heat you, I have the doctor look at you and the physical therapist rub you out, and still you hurt me. I have even given up highheels and flip flops and switched to shoes with stability for you. What more do you want from me? Please get well soon.

Hating “practical” shoes,
Jamie

Dear OH Drivers Licence,
Please come home. I am sorry I lost you at the liquor store. I hope you know its not because I dont want you or need you. I do! Without you I am nothing. I can’t use my visa debit card or get into bars or drink big girl drinks or drive a car. I tried to replace you with a MN drivers licence today, but they made me take a road test and I failed. Please hurry home. I need you.

Soberly,
Jamie

Dear MN BMV,
I realize that because I lost my Ohio drivers licence I am supposed to pass a road test to get a MN driver licence, but maybe we could bend the rules this once and let my written test suffice. I am sorry that I ran over your orange cones while trying to park and ran a red light today, but I do not think your instructor was warranted in calling me an absolutely terrible driver. He was also being a bit overdramatic when he grabbed the wheel, I was not heading into traffic. And I am sorry I told him that he sucked and I didnt like him, but he was rather unpleasent. You are not my favorite.

Still taking the bus,
Jamie

(its been a while)

First let me say my eyes are ON FIRE.

I accidentally sprayed a elevator full of people with my pepper spray

(kind of)

I have a pepper spray pen that looks like this

and I am getting on the elevator and I hear this kind of hissing sound coming from my purse (which is crammed full)

and so I open my purse and the pepper spray is going off.. so opening my purse makes the pepper spray go everywhere, and every one starts yelling and coughing and everyone gets off at the next stop then security shut down the elevator.

and.

my eyes are ON FIRE.

and everyone hates me.

but it is kind of amusing in retrospect.

(Happy Friday)

Sometimes I am not the quickest horse in the stable.

or the brightest crown in the box.

I tend to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

and sometimes people wonder if my elevator goes all the way to the top floor.

Yes I am a natural blonde, although I have dyed my hair.

I like to think of it as artificial intellegence.

Case in point, yesterday evening.

I have new job as a photographer at a protrait studio. There are a few studios in the greater columbus area, and I travel to different studios during the week.

Last night I had just finished working a nine hour shift, and as I closed up the store I pulled out my cell phone to check my messages.

I had three missed calls.

The first two numbers came up as names from my caller id, but the third was just a number.

It looked really really familar.

Because I didnt want to use daytime minutes, I used my work phone to call the number and see who was calling my cell phone.

It was busy. I figured I would wait a few minutes and try again. Every time I dialed the number from my work phone it was busy.

While I was waiting I decided to call my cell from my work phone and check my messages to see if this mystery caller had left me a message.

I dialed then number of my cell phone and it started to ring. I looked and saw that it was the mystery number!

YES!

Whoever was trying to get ahold of me must be trying to call me back.

So while I held my work phone in my hand on one ear I picked up my cell phone and answered it with the other hand.

“Hello” I said into my cell phone.

and “hello” I heard in my ear through the work phone.

Oh yeah, its true.

I had just called myself AND tried to answer myself all at the same time.

yep… I’m quick.

the mystery number was my studio, from when I had checked messages earlier in the day.

Thank God I am cute and fun cause Lord knows I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

and that my friends, is why I need the “shirt” bus

There are many things I have learned in my life over the years.

Some of these things I learned by watching others, but in most things, I learn by experience.

I learn the hard way.

I am not always the brightest crayon in the box when it comes to common sense, and thus I find my life is an after school special.

Today is no exception.

Oh, it began like every other day. I began my ride to work, pink car gleaming in the sunshine and tunes blasting up out of my sunroof. I got to the exit where I normally switch highways. The exit was blocked off because of Vice President Chaney’s motorcade was driving through.

My car at a complete halt on the highway, I scanned the horizon. I didn’t see a motorcade, only police officers. I waited for a while but as I sat there my impatience grew. I reached up to brush the hair out of my face and my hand caught in its tangled mess. I shouldn’t keep my hair down with the windows and sunroof open. “Humm” I thought to myself. Then I had a brilliant idea. My gym bag was in the trunk of my car with a hairbrush in it. As long as we were stopped I could get it.

I opened the door and stepped out onto the highway in my bare feet. I didn’t get to open my trunk. A police man came running out of no where with his gun pointed at me and told me to step away from my car. Many more followed him. They told me to put my hands behind my head and patted me down, which wasn’t easy considering I am wearing a floor length skirt. I tried to explain that my hairbrush was in my trunk but they still had their guns on me as they searched my car. The reaction of the cars around me would have been amusing if I wasn’t terrified to have so many guns pointed at me.

They did find my hairbrush, and some gym clothes. There were no guns or explosives or whatever else they thought I might be hiding, although they did question me about my passport which was in my purse. I also had my Hebrew homework on the passenger seat. That didn’t help my case. I told them I wasn’t a killer just an idiot. They weren’t amused. The Vice Presidents car passed and they let me go, although a police car did follow me all the way to work.

Another lessoned learned. The hard way.

And that my friends, is why my blog is called my life as an after school special.

On Friday I went out with a couple of coworkers after work. We went to gameworks and bowled a few games and had some drinks. It was very fun and very relaxed.

Then I met up with a friend and we went to go a local bar to see a couple bluegrass bands.

The first band was really fun… the second band was scary and clearly worshiped the devil….

The lead singer looked like Edward scissor hands.

And everything he sang was F* this and F* that.

And he screamed. At the top of his lungs. To every song.

After 40 minutes I wanted to go hug him. Or punch him in the mouth.

Instead I became a heckler.

A horrible horrible heckler.

He said “we are just going to do a few more songs”

And everybody boooed.

Seriously. The whole bar.

Now thoes of you who know me know normally I would say “Oh sad…”

And then say something warm and fuzzy

I mean the poor boy was trying.

But I had a few big girl drinks and I wasn’t feeling warm and fuzzy at all.

In fact I was feeling a little feisty.

And for those of you who know me well, you know my feistiness can cause trouble.

The lead singer starts this rant… “F the establishment… F country music. F bluegrass. F Toby Keith”

Oh no he didn’t!

Toby Keith is my country music boyfriend.

He is all country and patriotic and sexy.

Not horrible and scary and talentless like this clown.

So I say “F your mom, just stop playing.”

Oh No!

His devil music made me mean.

My hand flew over my mouth but I had already said it.

And he starts yelling at the crowd who start yelling back at him…

And then he says “I am going to play one more song… criminal.”

And everyone yelled “NO”

And he said “what do you want me to play”

And the crowd yelled “nothing”

And I yelled “for the love of God just stop playing”

There was almost a bar brawl

It was deliciously dramatic.

But I did feel slightly horrid afterwards

But it isn’t my fault. I was perfectly sweet and content listening to bluegrass… but his devil music made me mean.