Life As an Afterschool Special

This is my story for thoes of you who didnt click the link….

Did you know….

I peed on my step brother Michaels head once.

Not on purpose mind you, but I did pee on him none the less.

We were little, around 9 or 10. He was in the basement lifting weights and he asked me to spot him. He did a few reps and then he couldn’t do anymore and he asked me to help him pick the bar off his chest.

I straddled the bench and reached down to get the weights off but I began laughing at his frustration…. You know the kind of laughter that makes you unable to move… And the more angry he got the harder I laughed.

Then it happened. Standing there above him I laughed so hard I started to pee!

yep right on his head, as he was trapped helpless by the weights on his chest.

I couldn’t help it and him yelling at me just made me laugh harder. It was running down his forehead and onto the floor. It was pretty gross, but it was really funny.

The funniest part is that he suddenly got the strength of ten men and threw the bar off of him. He didn’t talk to me for a whole week, and in the past 15 years he has never once asked me to workout with him….

I think I will call him and see if he wants to hit the gym after work….

My cell phone is turned off.

Because my accounts are frozen my automatic bill pay could not go through, and the phone company turned my cell phone off.

How sad.

Me without a cell phone is like Batman without Robin, Yogi without Booboo, Simon without Garfunkle, Calvin without Hobbs, Baskin without Robbins…

I need my cell phone. I love my cell phone. It completes me…

It had me at hello.

Never the less I will survive.

On Saturday Greg picked me up and took me to the science museum and out to lunch (I see dead people… no really… we went to Body Worlds)

Later Kim picked me up and bought me dinner and took me to a movie. Afterwards we went to red dragon and drank wondrous punch (its wondrous I tell you).

We had a good time, laughing and drinking and being catty.

SO.MUCH.FUN.

We started naming the people we were talking about…

Mr. Math Club, Mr. Frizzy Hair, Mr. Dinosaur Jr, and my favorites the Rasta’s (although Kim said that wasn’t nice)

We talked about our weeks and I told her about how I had gotten free lunch.

On Thursday I went tanning for lunch time.

And when I got out of the tanning salon I walked the skyway and I noticed that the Radisson was hosting some sort of conference.

Everyone was in the conference room, but the left over badges were still out.

And so was the lunch buffet.

AND there was no staff around.

Oh yes. I did.

Kim called it stealing. I called it “creative borrowing”

(and for the record my friend Susan agreed with me. She said I was just helping them not let food go to waste. And since you can’t take leftover food like that to the homeless shelter (at least in NC), she thinks a girl who has her assets frozen thanks to an asshole is the PERFECT person to have it. And she is a DOCTOR. So she knows all about ethics)

After the talk of my “creative borrowing” we got on the subject of my Tiffany lamp. I told Kim that my friend Andrew had given it to me.

She asked why.

I rolled my eyes and said he gave it to me because I wanted it.

Kim started to laugh at me and recall all the times when people buy me things and give me things and fix things for me and bail me out.

I do have a history of getting what I want, especially from men.

She said maybe my accounts being frozen was karma.

I started to laugh and ask her what she meant. (this is why I love her. Total jerk)

She said after years of getting things free “the universe called… it wants it stuff back”

I was thinking today would be a good day to tell a classic Jamie story….

I was working at Metro V Athletic Club teaching swim lessons.

The Athletic Club is on a road that is U shaped, and last summer there was a classic car show being held at the opposite end of the road as the club.

I taught my lessons and got in my ex boyfriends 1983 rusty Honda. I mean it was a falling apart piece of beauty.

I waited at the driveway and there were classic cars that kept going by but no one would let me in. I tried to edge my way in but that didn’t work.

So I got a little impatient and tried to wave and smile my way out of the driveway, but that didn’t work.

So I mouthed to the other drivers that I would like in, and that didn’t work.

So I yelled out my window that I would like in, and that didn’t work either.

I was thinking “what kind of jerks drive classic cars anyways”

Getting frustrated, I finally honked my horn and smiled sweetly as a Rolls Royce let me in in front of him.

Finally.

So I was in the middle of these classic beautiful cars in my rusty old 83 Honda, and as we turned the corner of the U I see people lined up on the sides of the road.

You have got to be kidding me.

In typical Jamie fashion, I just honked, smiled, and waved myself right into the middle of a classic car parade, driving my rusty 83 Honda.

I mean there are Rolls Royces and Corvettes and Caddys and me…

So I did what any reasonable person in my situation would have done….. I turned on some “I got friends in low places” as loud as I could on my radio and waved to the crowds like I owned them.

just another day in my life as an afterschool special.

I hate scary movies. HATE THEM. I am not like my roommate Amy who says she hates scary movies and the proceeds to tell you about SAW and SAW II and the Grudge and the Ring and every other horror movie she has seen. I actually hate them and dont watch them. I think life can be scary enough, and I have lived through some pretty terrifying things. So I have absolutely no desire to recreate thoes emotions via a movie.

I do however, have pretty vivid memories of a scary movie my mom made me watch when I was little. My mom rented Hitchcock’s “The birds” for my sisters and I one night. I HATED it. And ever since I have hated birds. No really. I kinda hate them. I think they are creepy. I also think they are horrible pets. I mean they are supposed to fly. That’s the whole point of a bird. So why take a creature whos purpose is to fly and then put them in a tiny cage and watch the sit there. Its creepy. But I digress.

As the weather changes more and more birds cluster in the trees that line my streets and along the buildings of downtown. They just sit there watching you with their beedy eyes and their pointy beaks waiting to kill you. Trust me, I know. I’ve seen the movie. They want to kill you.

The other day I walking downtown and a bird came swooping down from a building RIGHT AT MY HEAD. Apparently it had seen the movie too. It wanted to kill me. I literally screamed, ducked down and covered my head and the bird flew right past me into the windows of Kinkos and died.

Thats right. It died! And then I laughed and took a picture. An old woman gave me a horrified look and then crossed the street. Clearly she had missed the memo. The birds are EVIL. They want to kill us. Just ask Hitchcock.

Thinking back I can admit that perhaps it was a little morbid to laugh and even more so to take a picture, but I felt a sense of victory. In fact, I think I will hang the photo from the trees in front of my house as a warning to the other birds… mess with the best, die like the rest. Bwahahahahahahahahaha.

I hate birds.

(I read this to Amy before I posted it. She said I am one strange scary little girl. And that is the stuff scary movies are made of.)

I took Spanish for one year in highschool and one year in college. You would think I would be far more fluent than I am, but instead of working hard and studing the language, I dated my TA and got an A. YAY! Now I can flirt in spanish.

Tu es mui guapo! Toca la guitarra? Tengo gusto de músicos!!Usted desea besarme?

Heh.

Despite my utter lack of bilingual skills, I LOVE watching telemundo. Maybe its because they flirt enough for me to have a tiny clue into what they are talking about, but more than likely its because they are so deliciously dramatic.

Seriously! Have you ever watched a Spanish soap opera? They put english versions to shame. Men get angry and break chairs and tear off their shirts in anguish and woman cry and fall to the ground and beg the men not to leave them almost every show. I love it!

My roommates make fun of me because they often come home to find me on the couch glued to a television program I cant understand. They ask me what is happening and I answer “That man who just crushed the glass in his hand and is now bleeding is angry, and the woman who is crying is very sad”

Oh the universal language of drama!

But I have a new favorite game and it makes telmundo even better (as if that were even possible)

Now I watch with the volume turned down low and make up my very own lines. Amy came home the other day and heard me talking in living room. I was by myself, but I was playing all the characters of telemundo at once. Like this:

Angry Spanish Man: How could you do this to me? After all we have been through? After all I have given you? Look at this house! Look at all we have (throws the chair) This chair means nothing to me now. NOTHING!

Crying Spanish Woman: Please. Please. That chair is from Ikea. Do you know how hard it was to get it past customs?! We can work it out. I didnt mean to sleep with your twin brother but it was so dark I didnt know it wasnt you! I didnt know. (she falls to the ground and grabs his leg) Dont leave me!

Angry Spanish Man: You whore! When I found you broken and begging on the streets who was it that came and rescued you? Who was it that gave you a life and a home and furniture from Ikea? It was Me! ME! And this is how you repay me? How could you do this to me? (man throws open door) Get out! Get out now! I never want to see you again!

Crying Spanish Woman: You cant throw me out. I love you. I love you! (woman continues to grovel at mans feet. Suddenly she looks up and dramatic music plays. Close up of her face)

*I just wanted to interrupt to say this is my FAVORITE moment of telemundo. The dramatic music followed by the close up of a characters face. You just know a shocking secret is being revealed*

Crying Spanish Woman: How dare you judge me! No one is perfect! Not even you! We all have secrets. Even you. I know what you keep locked in the attic. (more dramatic music and close up of mans shocked face)

END SCENE

See! Isnt that just the most delciously dramatic fun game ever?! You should play it sometime!

Telemundo, cómo te quiero! Tendría sus bebés.

I think I have become boring.

I have been trying to behave myself. I havent been on a date in ages. I havent been drunk in a long time. There has been no major drama in my life for a while. I have become boring.

I have no Jamie stories.

Spiritually I havent been doing much ministry. I have not taught at a youth group or met a hooker in ages.

I have no near death crisis’s. I havent been shot at in a couple of years. There has been no danger of drive bys. I havent tried to kill the president lately. I have no witty tales of bar fights or breaking into restaurants or getting arrested or dates with lesbians. I havent peed on anyones head lately

Nothing. I am boring.

Some boys take a beautiful girl,
And hide her away from the rest of the world.
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun.
Oh,girls, They wanna have fun.
Oh,girls, Just wanna have
That’s all they really want…..
Some fun….

When the working day is done,
Oh,girls,They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls, Just wanna have fun…

Cindy Lauper

(I have been behaving so Jamie Stories have been few and far between)

(but since you asked for it… finally a real post)

(sort of)

*read in valley girl speak*

Oh my God! I had, like, the most totally radical night EVER, for sure, for sure! I mean it was like, so totally gnarly!

It was my friend Mirandas birthday, and like, we totally wanted to do something fun, right. Right! So we totally dressed up in our most bitchin 80’s ‘fits and went down to SHOUT a dueling piano bar downtown for their 80’s night. And there is no cover if you wear a bodacious 80’s outfit, so we totally got in for free! Isnt that the best! To say the least! For sure, for sure!

I wore this like, totally adoreable outfit with my most cute leggins and a skirt. And of course I had this like, totally amazing side ponytail and huge plastic hoop earrings. And the other girls had on cut off sweatshirt that looked just like flashdance! (what a feeling) But Miranda like, totally outdid us. She had on these legwarmers that were totally the bomb. As if! But it was, like, her birthday so I was just like, whatever!

When we got to Shout it was totally a drag at first, but then the music was so total tubular and the drinks were so totally cheap (a dollar for bush lite taps or vodka and redbulls, and two dollars for captian and cokes or pop rocks and capri sun shots) that soon people were like, crazy!

The girls and I were dancing in the streets!

And on the stage!

and on the panio!

But really I was like, so totally behaved (as far as behaving goes) and only drank dollar beers. And I only bought three (free ones dont cont) And pretty soon its was like this huge … wedding reception or something. I mean people just laughing and drinking and dancing and singing really loud with strangers.

There was this like, totally cutealicuos clydesdale that wanted to be my boy toy. And we were like dancing to some serious Bon Jovi and he kissed me. GRODY! It wasnt like, a good kiss it was more like he smashed his drunk face into my lips. On purpose. I mean , I dont even KNOW him, for sure, for sure. And I am so not a bimbette. I was all like “ewww” and my friends were all like “ewwww” and then they totally rescued me. What a dweeb-o-rama! That is so lame!

And I totally turned on him and was like “Dude! Gag me with a credit card and stick me back in layway! That Ninja turtle needs to go back in his half shell for sure for sure!”

Some men just need to learn to save their joystick for their atari.

Anyways…

The night was a BLAST and I was so stoked by all the songs they were playing… I mean some of my favorite songs from my favorite artists. It was like, so tototally totally wicked man!

from Vanilla Ice (Ice Ice Baby)and New Kids on the Block (Hanging Tough)

to Journey (Lovin Touchin Squeezin) and Queen (fat bottom girls. one of the best songs EVER) and AC/DC (you shook me all night long)

and Billy Joel (who is one of my all time favorites) (uptown girl) and Micheal Jackson (Beat it)and John Melencamp (Jack and Diane)and Soft Cell. (Tainted Love) and Pat Benatar (hit me with your best shot)

They even played Sweet Child of Mine (my favorite song EVER) and Paradise City by my BOYFRIEND Axel Rose (he is such a choice peice of meat)

By the end of the night we were out.of.control. I have never ever ever had that much fun in a bar ever. It was like… the best night EVER! for SURE! We may have gotten a little crazy like but girls, they wanna have fun (they just wanna)

I am sitting in Kim’s room while she gets ready for her trip to Europe.

She has been going through her bedroom, strategically stashing all personal and incriminating documents so her mother cant find them when she house-sits.

She also has been asking questions about what to pack, including “What shoes should I take”

I suggested all of them, apparently not the right answer.

(She only has thirty or so pairs… they would totally fit in a suitcase)

She also said “What if all the food in England is boring”

And I reassured her it wouldn’t be. She would be sitting in a PUB eating FISH AND CHIPS, using words like BLOODY and WANKER, and TALLY HO and whatever it is British people say now a days.

While I am waiting I decided to check my email.

I had none. Except an email from BMG. Seriously. Someone drop a sister a line.

It has been a million degrees here.

And by a million I really mean mid 90’s. But that’s practically a million.

I am sure hell is this hot.

And heaven is like coming into air condition after being outside in the heat all day.

(That is profound really, if you think about it. I am so deep)

I am sunburned.

My beautiful golden tan is now a delightful blend of red and pink. And I love red and pink. But not so much as my skin tone. I look like a three year old colored me.

Rebecca and I spent all day at the lake yesterday. We walked downtown, ate outside on the patio, and took a bus to the lake.

I love the lake on hot days.

I love sitting on the beach and letting the sun beat down on my face and my body.

I love the contrast of the freezing lake water and the hot humid air.

I love the people running and walking and playing volleyball and swimming and flirting and teasing.

I love the smell of grass and lake and people grilling and suntan lotions all mixed together.

I love how alive everything is, and how laid back and relaxed it is all at the same time.

We spent hours laying in the sun, talking, reading (I brought three gossip magazines and The Undomestic Goddess) and playing in the water.

We even got up and bought ice cream from the ice-cream man as he made his way around the lake.

The only thing I DONT like at the lake is after years of life guarding it is hard for me not to yell at people, and get cranky when they get too far out and CLEARLY cant swim.

I keep telling Rebecca “I don’t even CARE if that man drowns; I am not saving his ass”

But I would have.

Later that night we walked to uptown and decided it didn’t even matter that we were both all
dirty and smelly from being at the beach all day.

We sat on the patio of Williams bar, and enjoyed the dollar burgers and fifty cent fries, and one fifty pints of beer. (How can you not love a burger fries and a beer for three dollars!)

A band set up in the park across from Williams and we just sat and drank our beers and listened to them jam.

When I came home I discovered my landlord had set the sprinkler on the sidewalk to water the grass.

I ran through it to get to the porch, and then decided it was so much fun that I sat down my bag, kicked off my shoes, and ran through it again and again.

Why don’t more adults play in the sprinklers?

Then today I got up and walked to my favorite coffee shop and checked my email and finished my book.

Then I went to the store, bought brats and chips, and headed over to Kathy and Tim’s for a barbeque.

I love Tim and Kathy. They are two of my very favorite people. I met them almost seven years ago, and they have been my best friends ever since. I was maid of honor at their wedding. It has been so fun to watch them transition from singles, to dating, to married, and now to parenthood.

When I am hanging out with them it is like coming home.

I was so nice just to sit in the sun and eat brats and drink beer and laugh and enjoy them.

I didn’t even mind that everyone else who came was married, and most of them had children. It amazes me that almost all my friends are married.

I am starting to think I may be a late bloomer.

On the flip side I have been engaged more times than most people, so it isn’t like I haven’t had possibilities. I am just picky.

Speaking of picky, (I love Kim) after the barbeque I met Kim at the mall and we went to DSW to try to find me some new running shoes.

I signed up with a class that meets and runs every Monday Night for 10 weeks to get you ready for a 5k.

It cost fifty dollars, but I figured it would be great motivation and accountability…
PLUS you have to buy new shoes!

How have I not been a runner all my life… I mean the only equipment needed is SHOES!

I couldn’t decide on what shoes to buy, so we went and got dinner and rented a movie instead.

It was nice to just to sit in the air conditioner.

Plus I have to be nice to Kim, because one day she promises to give me a laptop so I can finish (and start if you want to be technical) my book. A chick lit book. Which will be highly entertaining and make me a ton of money.

And it will be about me (because it all comes back to me really). And it will be true, except the parts I make up and exaggerate.

And now Kim (or Kimwanda as I will refer to her secretly in my book) is done.

So I simply must be going!

TALLY HO!

(Hee.)

Hasn’t stopped raining for days….

(Seriously. Did I move to Seattle and not know it?)

It was so hard to get out of bed this morning.

I stayed on the phone entirely too late (although I did totally WIN) and when my alarm went off at 5 am I decided I didn’t REALLY want to go to the gym, reset my alarm for 6:45.

What FELT like a minute later my alarm went off again.

It was freezing in my room, and raining outside, and my bed was so comfortable and my feather comforter was so warm and it was such perfect sleeping weather that I considered staying in bed, quitting my job, going on welfare, and living off the government.

But then I remembered I was a Republican so I got up.

I was running late, I could only find one of the shoes I wanted, and I stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara.

And then I remembered that I left my umbrella in my friend’s car last night.

I grabbed my purse and my pink raincoat (that doesn’t have a hood, shouldn’t raincoats have hoods?) and ran out the door.

I decided I didn’t want to walk the 10 blocks to work in the rain, but I saw the bus coming, so I took off my high heels and ran barefoot through puddles to get to the bus stop.

And I loved it!

I love playing in the rain. I love going barefoot. I love the moments in life when we let go of inhibition and act like children and just enjoy ourselves.

So now I am at work, my hair is messy and wet, I had mascara running down my face, and I am freezing.

But I think its going to be an amazing day…