Life As an Afterschool Special

Last night I took Malachi on a little foray to Walmart. Ah Walmart, such a classy place, so full of fine upstanding citizens and quality products, especially late at night. Every time I go there I think, “This is America at it’s best, a fine Utopian of goods.”

Actually last night I thought, “Why are all the crazies here? Why am I here? Why is that man pushing that woman” before I proceeded to yell at him to back up and then spraying him in the face with pepper spray. He thought I was a crazy. In fact, I think his exact words were “Crazy white bitch just sprayed me with pepper spray, call the police.”

Then I thought “This seems like a wholly appropriate way to begin a late night trip Walmart. Fitting actually” and “I hope I don’t get arrested”

I didn’t get arrested, so I continued on my shopping adventure.

As I wandered the aisles I found myself thinking “This is all crap. Cheap crap. Crap crap crap. Why did I come here”

“Dear God, please never let me look like someone who shops at Walmart”

“What stylist gave that woman a haircut? Stylists should have to swear some hair oath to uphold beauty and stay away from mullets on women”

Which lead me to think “I wonder if that lady is trying to go for Butch Lesbian or Minnesota Housewife? Either way it isn’t working. Just say no to red and black checkered flannel…embrace your inner girl”

Feeling a little discouraged and gloomy by my surroundings, I found myself heading toward the toy aisle. I love the toy aisle. I still get happy meals at McDonald’s just for the toys. I thought “Surely something in the toy aisle will cheer me up. The toy aisle is such a happy place”

Once I arrived I thought “Who turned the toy aisle into a mini doll red light district? Are those hooker dolls? What the hell? I should blog about this”

I then took out my cell phone and started pictures of Mini Amsterdam, Walmart style, when an employee came over and asked if I needed any help. “No,” I replied “Just taking pictures of these little slut dolls”

Not knowing how to reply, she walked away.

“What in the hell is that doll wearing? IS she a stripper doll?”

“She has stripper makeup. I mean really,a smokey eye and pale lips with dark liner? Is this what we are teaching girls is fashionable?”

“What the hell? That little girl has way too much makeup on! Don’t copy the slut doll little girl! How old are you supposed to be? What age girls are supposed to play with slut dolls? That girl looks like she is sixteen. Are sixteen year olds supposed to play with slut dolls and glitter their own hair? Run away little girl… RUN AWAY!”

“Sports! Sports are good. Little girls should want to play sports. But… wait. what in the world is that doll wearing? What is that doll doing on the cover? What kind of sport is she in? No sport wears a uniform like that. IS pole dancing a sport. I mean she isnt even a cheerleader!”

“Barbie! barbie will better! WAIT. What happened to you? What are you even wearing? Oh Barbie you fail me! What is happening with your shorts?”

“Barbie! You look a little too Debbie does Dallas in this outfit”

“Oh well played Classy Brown Haired Barbie. Well played! Who cares if you were always thought of as Barbie’s less hot brunette friend. You look sweet, and covered! Well played! I have to get out of here. But first shoes… there must be at least one decent pair of shoes in this store.”

And there you have it, a little inking into a night through my eyes. Pepper spray and police and little slut dolls.

Comment by Christine
Why don’t you own a jet?

Have you seen me drive?! I can hardly get Malachi down the road without harming myself; can you imagine me in a Jet Plane?

Comment by Adam
Who do YOU like at the Rock?
OR!
Who would you rather have for a dad: Michael Jackson or Mike Tyson?

Heh. Who do I like at the Rock? We with so many fine men of God LEAVING the sea is getting a little less filled with fish, so at the moment no one has my eye. I am deliciously single and loving it. Although I love my girls.

As for question two… totally Michael Jackson. Mike Tyson is mean and he hits hard. I am pretty sure I could take Michael Jackson if he tried any funny business

Comment by Brandy
What annoying habit gets under your skin?
What would your last meal be?

I have an odd issue with the way a lot of girls put on chapstick or lipstick. I hate when they smear it all over their mouth with their lips pressed tight together, or when they move their head back and forth instead of moving the gloss. I know I am totally weird, but it drives me crazy.
My last meal would be steak. And I would praise God for making animals and letting us eat them.

Comment by keith
Name one thing you love about yourself
If you could visit anywhere in the world for a week, where would you go and who would you take with you?

First Question: I think that I often do a good job of making people feel welcomed and special, and that is important to me.
Second Question: At this moment I would pick someplace tropical, but mainly because its -15 before windchill. I am so cold I think I may never be warm again. And I would take all the people who I love the most, because I never have them in one place and I miss them (family, friends etc)

Comment by _steve
What do you see yourself doing in 5 years?

I hate this question on interviews because life never turns out the way it should… and life is what happens when we are busy making plans. I want to be happy, and content, and fabulous. I hope I still wrote. I would love to be in love. And I hope I am braver and stronger and wiser then I am today.

Comment by Dave
So… if you could change one thing about the Twin Cities, what would it be and why?
And… isn’t it true that a juicy lucy and some cheese curds are what God has for dinner?

First Question: I would have a light rail go from Downtown MPLS through Campus to ST Paul. Seriously. Why have we not done this before? We need it. And today I would make it 50 degrees warmer. Because its cold as hell. (Although most people think Hell is hot. I think it is cold. And you don’t have enough layers. For all of eternity)

Second Question: Heck yeah! I love me some meat and cheese. And a good hotdish (I am a Midwestern girl)
9721

Comment by Mark
How do you best worship God?

I love this question. I think I best worship God by loving others and serving them. It is an act of sacrifice and dying to self that I know honors him. I love to sing worship songs in my car by myself at the top of my lungs. I also love water. I mean I LOVE water. I love to go to the river or a lake or an ocean and just be still and worship God in quiet.

Comment by david
would you stop wearing a bra if you could get away with it?

Isnt it great to go from a God question to this?! Such a rockstar question for you to ask Sir david. No. I would not.

Comment by keith
Why is your PM inbox always full?

Because I am popular

Comment by Geof F. Morris
You asked, so …
1. What was it that drew you to me?
2. What’s your biggest regret in life?

Ha. Ok. What drew me to you was your intelligence, and all they things I knew were behind your slightly cold and aloof logical nature. I just wanted to go deeper and get to know you more… and the more I knew you the more I liked you. Plus you were generous and had amazing taste in music, were from Ohio, and liked Hockey and loved Jesus. What more could a girl want? (Oh and the NASA thing was hot too)

Ohhh that is a hard one. I tend to not have regrets, because then you spend so much time on the should have would have could have and not on the now. I guess it would be not perusing a career in journalism when I was younger. Oh! And not learning about how to manage my finances when I was younger

So, Ms. Brandy posted a blog where she asked commenters to post a question, any question, and she would answer it.

I love this idea. Mainly because I love talking about me, and if you love talking about me, we can totally talk (a quote from Steele Crosswhite). I kid. I kid!

But I do think it could be fun…

So, you have 48-hours to post questions. Any questions. And I will answer them, truthfully and candidly.

Do it!

Hells yeah. An etched plexiglass award.

A month ago after going to a concert, I told my boss that we needed to sell hotdogs.

I am completely convinced that hotdog sellers must have the biggest profit margin ever.

You can buy a pack of hotdogs and buns for well under five dollars. A PACK! And yet every concert, sporting event, and street side vendor sells them for three to five dollars a piece

Seriously. Have you thought of that?!

I think my boss thinks I am crazy, but I think it is brilliant.

And I got an award!

The DNA maps uniquely represent your personality. Mouse over any part of the box or strip to learn more about the traits that the colors represent for me.

To sum up…
I am a Benevolent Creator.

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations

You’re not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you’re generally considerate of others’ feelings as well.

You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don’t mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people’s situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You’re a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You’re concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you’ve never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people’s feelings are important to you, and you’re good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

Openness: 96

Extroversion: 94

Empathy: 90

Trust in others : 98

I got an 88 for Femininity but only a 6 for masculinity.

Oh and my favorite?!

Aesthetic/Functional: 98 Aesthetic

(I am not functional at all)

Ha. I think that is mostly true.

What are you?

What is this?

Just a blurry cell phone picture of white elephant awesomeness.

Tom Hipps has his annual Single’s Christams Shindig this weekend. As always, there were lots of musicians and wanna be musicians jamming in the basement. I even took the mic, and started the night with a heartwarming rendition of Mele Kalikimaka and then after a cocktail or two ended the night by rocking a duet with Tom Hipps himself to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” (Craig Larson owned the drums)

Pretty much everyone took a turn on the mic or on an instrument, or the very least danced and sang along from behind the bar. Even my roommate stayed until 3:30 in the morning and took a turn singing. (She also busted out the hip hop moves) which is saying a lot.

Good times. Good times.

And the best part of the night? The white elephant gift exchange, were Alf and a bust of Abe Lincoln (”Oh look, a cute little boy”) were the hot commodities. Well that and the three and a half foot painted ceramic Tiger, which I graciously stole from Brit, even though she begged me not to and said she was going to bring it to school so her students could have a pet. She stole it from Bill L, and I wanted it bad and stole it from her. Tom Hipps begged me to keep it at his house, and only let me leave after I promised I would bring it to all parties and we would share custody.

And you know, tis the season.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’d understand
We all need somebody to lean on

I recently took an online test where you enter your view on hot political issues and how important you feel those issues are to you and America. After answering and rating thirty questions my results came back: I most agree with Obama’s politics.

This surprised me for a number of reasons. As far as politics go, I tend to lean to the right. I am a white Christian woman who grew up with white collar parents in a catholic home. My grandparents fought in wars and taught me the value of being an American and being proud of my country. I love fireworks and apple pie and baseball and country music (I love Toby Keith). I am an American and a Republican and proud of it.

After 9-11 I was angry. I wanted a leader who would rise up with the same anger and and righteousness I felt. I wanted a cowboy would would ride off into the distance with his guns blazing and defend my freedom and my rights and my country. I wanted answers. I wanted justice. I wanted war.

And I voted for the candidate who I thought would provide me with answers and action I needed.

Now, Four years later, I am not sure what I think or how I feel. I know that my best friend Brian went to Iraq for a year and a half to defend my freedom and came back bitter and sad and wanting change. He doesn’t believe in the war he fought, or the government he defended in the same way anymore.

I love and respect Brian more than almost man I know and think he is brave and strong. It is hard for me to know that he is so passionately against the things I thought I believed in and stood for. How I can believe in America and support our troops if the troops themselves don’t believe anymore? Who are we really fighting at this point? Where should we go from here and who should lead us?

Brian thinks the answer is Obama. He is passionate about Obama and spends weekends campaigning for him. He has taken me to campaign parties and introduced me to Obama supporters. And while I found it interesting and also found my quiz result interesting, it was and still is hard for me to let go of the right.

On Saturday Brian sent me a text message from Iowa. “I talked to him. He gave me a hug. I was crying because I gave him a poster of the people we lost in Iraq. He was so nice”

Today he sent me a link to a picture.

Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama embraces U.S. soldier Brian Jesness during a campaign rally stop in Mason City, Iowa, December 15, 2007. Jesness came back from Iraq last July after serving for 16 months in An Nasiriyah, south of Baghdad.
REUTERS/Carlos Barria (UNITED STATES

And it gives me pause.

In that picture I see the man who I lean on, who is always strong and brave, leaning on and taking comfort and strength from someone he believes in and trusts.

And that just may be the thing that sways me.

Today my co-workers were discussing Bible Colleges and what it means to be a Christian. Almost every one of them had stories about “crazy Christians” who have forced their beliefs, or been hateful or cruel towards them. Even I could relate.

Ten years ago I had to go to Planned Parenthood for tests. As I pulled up in front of the building I saw protesters outside. Taking a deep breath, I worked up the courage to get out of the car and walk to the building. Hateful faces glared at me as I approached the door, and someone from the crowd screamed “Whore” as I walked by. There were so many people yelling about God and about sin, and I was shaking as I entered the building.

I have thought about that experience many many times over the past ten years. I can still see the angry faces and hear their words ringing in my ears. I was a new believer, and their actions angered and hurt me at a time when I was already angered and hurt. What I needed was someone to understand, someone to hold me and tell me that I was still valuable and beautiful and worthy of love. What I needed was someone to explain where God was in all my pain, and how he could love someone as broken and sinful as I was. Instead the protesters reaffirmed the idea that God was angry and vengeful and I could never earn his love.

I think about my own experience outside of Planned Parenthood, and how that contrasts with how Jesus would respond.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

John 8:6-11

As I listened to the stories my co-workers, both believers and non believers told, I was angry. I was angry at the hurt we have caused in the name of Christ. I was angry that the world knows us more for what we are against than what we are for. Most of all, I was angry at myself because I know there have been times that I have been no better.

I am a Christian. Truthfully, it is how I define myself, how I make my decisions, what gives me hope and gives me peace and gives me joy.

But I also know that I get so wrapped up in what being a Christian means to the outside world that I forget that what makes me a Christian is Christ. It is about loving him and allowing Him to love me. Its about learning more about who He is and then becoming more like that, not because I have to, but because I love Him and He asked me too.

That is what I told my co-workers about my faith. That is what I stand for and not what I stand against.

My friend Andrea wrote ten useless facts about herself on her blog lately.

So my turn.

Things you might not know about me

1. I am afraid of mirrors in the dark. I don’t know if i played Bloody Mary too much as a child or what, but mirrors in the dark give me the heebie jeebies.

2. Speaking of mirrors, I find it impossible to pass a mirror or reflection and not look at myself. Unless it is dark.

3. I have weird favorite comfort foods. I only like spaghetti-o’s cold right out of the can. I also like cream of celery soup before you add milk or cook it. Oh and I like potatoes best when they are raw with a little bit of pepper.

4. I have a tiny scar from chicken pox in the middle of my forehead. I never noticed it until my brother threw a bolt at my head, and then spent the next ten years of my life convinced it was an imprint from where it hit me.

5. I date a lot, but I am not dating anymore. Most people know that, but they don’t know that I haven’t kissed a boy since I was engaged almost four years ago.

6. I love writing checks at work. I don’t have a personal checking account, so I always feel like I am “playing office” when I am at work and write checks.

7. I have never been to the zoo, I really want to go.

8. I am way more insecure than I appear in social situations. I am good at faking it. I don’t always like that about myself.

9. I haven’t been able to wear a real pair of heels since I tore a muscle in my calf, but I refuse to give them up. In fact sometimes I wear them out or to work and then end up barefoot within the hour.

10. I can’t whistle or wink

There you go. 10 useless facts about me. To tide you over until I can really post.

LIVING ROOM

Couch= 25 dollars (Oh YES! 25 dollars) on 75% off day at thrift store

Pillows= 4 dollars each from Target closeout as is store

Rug= 5 dollars clearance at K Mart

2 coffee tables= 5 Dollars each at IKEA sale

Working Record player= 10 dollars

Art= 10 dollars at Big Lots

Bowling Pin = Gift!

Total cost of all furniture and accessories in Living Room area= $85-100 bucks.

DINING ROOM

Book Shelf= Free on the side of the Road

Chair = 15 dollars at antique store

Table= Free from a friend

Marilyn Frame= 15 dollars

Poster = 5 dollars

Chairs= Ikea 10 dollars each

Sewing Bust= 7 dollars at a thrift store

Mirror= 3 dollars at a thrift store

Total cost of all furniture and accessories in Dining Room area= $85-100 bucks.

KITCHEN

Pictures and wine holder = 3 dollars at dollar store

Towel Holder= Free Gift

Kitchen Kitsch= 25 dollars various stores

Total cost of Kitchen decorations= 30 dollars

Being in love with the shabby chic place you live…

priceless